for reals...

two hundred ninety one

2011-05-08T23:26:00.003-06:00

spring semester has finally come to a close and i couldn't be happier to spend my summer doing all of the things i have forgotten to have loved. i'm thrilled to spend my days at the pool side whilst reading classic novels and trashy gossip mags alike. i'm delighted at the prospect of hiking on a whim with my little rockstar by my side. i'm exhilarated to plan my days off by not having plans at all. i want to finish my recovery quilt. i want to build a glass bubble chandelier. i want to do more with my visual journal. the only hinderance to these blissful activities is the monumental pull of staying snuggled in my covers. i could never cheat on my bed, i just love it too much! in order to be happy i need to actually do the things that make me happy. that is what my summer goal is, to spend every bit of my time doing something that makes me happy! today's happiness included deep cleaning my house, repainting a set of bathroom shelves to be a happy summer yellow color, planting tomato seeds, planting asters, painting my nails, snuggling with rox, and hanging out with my family. it has been productive but simple. it's the simplicity that brings me happiness. let's do more of the things that make us happy. what a spectacular concept! happy mother's day!

two hundred ninety

2011-01-12T11:37:00.002-07:00

hello all,

i need to get better at blogging, even if just for my piece of mind.

today's topic? creating your life.

so many of my friends are getting married, beginning a new life together, and have spent years dreaming of what said life would contain. it makes me wonder what my life will hold. even more so, it makes me wonder what i WANT my life to hold. i'm not dreaming of buying a fixer-upper with my husband and getting into paint fights as we slowly create the environment in which we build our memories of a home. i'm not interested in cooking soggy yet burnt casserole concoctions of whatever is left in the pantry and watching devotion manifested through attempts to hide a cringe with every bite. i want to build my surrounding structure without waiting for someone to fall into my life and fix it for me. i want to harness the ability to secure something substantial and free standing without depending on someone else. i want to discover these things for myself so that when this magic man happens to cross paths with mine we can accent our lives together with 1000 thread count bed sheets and perfectly paired turkish cotton towels. to enjoy the splendor of nuance that comes with knowing that i'll never settle.

too often i find myself sitting around waiting for the time for my life to happen- for the pieces to just "fall into place"- but then i realize that i'm in the middle of that time and that the pieces won't find a place until i make them a place. and i'm going to do just that.

happy wednesday.

two hundred eighty nine

2010-10-04T16:26:00.002-06:00

At times I get caught up in existential anxiety and forget who I am. Sometimes it's just for a minute, but that minute is scary. And I need to remind myself that I know exactly who I am.

My name is Alana. I am 23. I have a good heart. I have hope for true change in the world. I have an obsession with dark wash denim. Sunshine on my skin is rejuvenating to my soul. Snugging is my all time favorite past time. I sleep on a thousand pillows and feel safe when I'm haphazardly buried between them. I know my family will love me no matter what. I know I am a daughter of God. I adore dressing according to the season (and accessorizing too). Watching torrential thunderstorms makes me feel calm inside. If I could do one thing for the rest of my life it would be wakeboarding. I try to do one scary thing every single day. I'm an adrenaline junkie with crippling anxiety. I'm learning to accept my limits one day at a time. I am grateful to have discovered that every day is a fresh start into the unknown and that its entirely up to me to decide what I'll do with that precious time.

At times this may be all I know. But in those moments I can also know that this is enough...

two hundred eighty eight

2010-10-02T20:24:00.000-06:00

Love is louder than hate.
Love is louder than pain.
Love is louder than fear.

I love to love the things love is capable of doing.

one hundred eighty seven

2010-09-29T07:56:00.001-06:00

I know I get frustrated, discouraged and experience a multitude of other emotions when it comes to recovery. Sometimes I feel left out that I can't dabble in societal Ed the way most people in the world can. I get jealous of how others can go to the gym every day without getting so caught up in it that they suddenly find that their entire week has been spent on a treadmill. I feel excluded from the girl talk of diet sensations and I get pissed off that my roomie can just leave a scale in the middle of the bathroom floor without getting to a place where the number it flashes becomes your next fix.

But at the end of the day I keep doing what I'm doing because I know its right for me. I know that most people live in a distorted society because they don't know any better and that I'm fortunate to be aware that I don't need to be confined to those unrealistic standards of perfection. I know that hours logged at the gym does not correlate with the success of my day as a decent human being. I can have conversations with friends about real things that actually build relationships instead of talking about petty diets that are ultimately in place to make everyone feel guilty enough about their flaws to set new starvation resolutions until they all meet again. I know that it doesn't matter what the scale says, I will always HATE it, and that I don't need to torture myself by always seeking its approval. Sometimes I have ice cream for breakfast while still in bed because it is a simple pleasure in life. And sometimes I have a snack just because I can- because it is okay to be a little reckless and not overthink everything and remember that there are more things to life than having an eating disorder.

one hundred eighty six

2010-09-16T18:09:00.001-06:00

There's a certain kind of person I choose not to associate with.

Sure, I'm cordial,

but not much beyond polite.

Do I feel bad?

Absolutely not.

And I'm still a good person.
Peace out.

two hundred eighty fve

2010-09-05T12:23:00.006-06:00

I am a predictable mass of contradictions.

I'm the quiet nerd with a secret life as an outspoken, witty human being.

I walk through school, clumsily graceful, with eye avoiding self-confidence.

I whisper flambouyant greetings to friends I have never met.

I wear flip-flops, a skirt, and an old faded t-shirt.

I drive around with the music up and the sunroof open on the rainiest of days.

I am a pristine mess,

a mismatched fashion plate with hot pink fuzzy socks.

I am an intelligent idiot,

a procrastinating perfectionist,

a musician who dreams of never being heard.

Im a gloomy optimist,

a rebellious star patient,

a good girl with a bad attitude....

I am the nerd at a rock concert and the rocker at the symphony.

The Beastie Boys sit next to Bach in my CD collection.

I baby my parents and drive myself to the park to swing on the swings....

I am a practical romantic,

a clear-thinking flake,

an airhead with a good memory.

Im promptly late and lazily busy.

I am a southern Anglophile in suburban Utah,

an old-fashioned woman of the future

and an artist who cant draw.

I am the silent commentator.

I get the jokes, but can't make them.

Im an observer who wont look at people and a show-off who shuns attention.

I am a tongue-tied linguist and a studious slacker.

Im a fan who misses every game and a socialite without a social life.

i am an oxymoron.

two hundred eighty four

2010-08-22T22:04:00.000-06:00

Things that have made me happy in the past week:

*boating
*vespa rides with patrick
*heating pads
*modern day medicine
*convos with my little brother that go something like this:

(While attempting to massage the muscle spasms in my neck and back)
A: Ouch! That's my bone!
L: Oh sorry! I thought it was the nugget!
A: The nugget?! Do you mean the knot?
L: Oh yeah, the knot...

(A few moments later)

A: Ouch!
L: Sorry, I keep telling myself to stay between your spine and razor blade but I keep getting distracted!
A: My razor blade?! You mean my shoulder blade?
L: Oh yeah...
A: That's okay Logan, I think I'm good on the massage...

He's adorable.

And life is good.

two hundred eighty three

2010-08-14T18:14:00.002-06:00

apparently my blog called and it misses me...

i'm attempting to recommit to blogging because i used to love it. and lots has happened between my last post and now.

and on this episode of

"alana goes back to treatment..."

i took a little break from life itself. it was much needed. during that time i have discovered that:

-people like you more when you're not striving for perfection

-my apartment is next to the party pool

-change is hard

-people don't judge as much as i think they do

-the right thing is often the simple thing, but that certainly doesn't make it the easy thing

-i don't believe in AA's philosophy

-i do believe in the 12 steps

-it's okay to spend a seemingly ridiculous time staring at a cupboard full of food while sitting on my kitchen floor as long as i choose to eat something in the end

-i respond to tough love because it means someone cares enough about me to merit the energy of getting mad

-i'm hooked on grey's anatomy

-megavideo only allows 72 minutes of video watching at a time

-i love green apples and creamy peanut butter

-as tough as wanting something is, the people who suffer most are the ones who don't know what they want.

i called it like it was. and it sucked. but i'm better for it. so if you think i'm broken, then fix me. cuz i'm no quitter.

and i think we can do anything we want to if we stick to it long enough.

two hundred eighty two

2010-04-25T14:33:00.000-06:00

Please don't ask,
I don't want to have to lie to you.
Its just a paper.
And I need to prove my penance.
Can't we avoid and pretend just a little bit longer?
Pretty please with a (artifically manufactured, red dye 40 saturated marachino) cherry on top?!

two hundred eighty one

2010-04-22T19:56:00.005-06:00

With lipgloss prepped perfection,

She's out the door without a trace.

Sunroof's open, aviators on

As she zips from place to place.

The music's blaring; she sings along

Just living from day to day.

No one would guess the little girl in the Lexus

Just drives to fight her thoughts away.

two hundred eighty

2010-04-17T15:11:00.002-06:00

holla.

soooo, i kinda had a little freak out this morning. i wish they didn't happen as frequently as they do. i've cleaned, distracted, slept, studied, zoned out, contemplated the notion of leaving my house to enjoy what looks like a beautiful warm spring day, journalled, and have ultimately found myself still in bed, and frustrated at not being able to figure out why i get so anxious about apparently nothing at all.

i was supposed to go rock climbing this weekend. i went climbing down in st. george last weekend and had a blast. i was looking forward to this trip all week long, it seriously got me through my week. we were supposed to leave yesterday morning and i freaked out and bailed. i love climbing. i love road trips. i love st. george. i love the group that was going down. so what was my deal?!

i just kept thinking about all of the homework i need to get done before finals come up. and i stayed home in order to relieve the stress of needing to get it all done (in theory). in reality, i've done like 3 things out of the 2 dozen that i need to do this weekend, and keep getting in bed in hopes of falling asleep and not stressing about it. unfortunately i've maxxed out on my sleep quota and am blogging instead. destructive? no. but not quite productive either...

okay i'm going to study for reals now and perhaps even leave my house at some point today...

here's to no more panic attacks! :)

ciao.

two hundred seventy nine

2010-04-14T21:19:00.003-06:00

got a secret

can you keep it?

swear this one you'll save.

better lock it in your pocket,

taking this one to the grave.

if i show you then i know you won't tell what i've said

cuz two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

why do you smile like you've been told a secret?

now you're telling lies cuz you're the one to keep it.

but no one keeps a secret...

why when we do our darkest deeds, do we tell?

because they burn inside our brains

they become a living hell.

so no one keeps a secret...

[the very thing that connects us to each other?]

[the few secrets we don't think we could ever share with another.]

two hundred seventy eight

2010-04-03T17:20:00.005-06:00

okay it's time for a little update...

-i hiked/camped in arches national park for the first time last weekend and it was freezing but amazing. an album of photos are posted on my facebook page and i'm too lazy to post them twice so feel free to scope them there.

-this weekend i'm going rock climbing in st. george and i can't wait! emily and i always have a blast on PRT road trips!

-my anxiety still sucks and i hate Ed. just needed to make sure i have that in writing somewhere.

-i snagged a schweeeeeet pair of straight leg dark wash Seven For All Mankind jeans for $45 today (that's right, be jealous) and am thrilled.

-it was recently discovered that i am an idiot when it comes to payroll and deductions and taxes and somehow owe the government one thousand US dollars. that's right. fml.

-chillaxin with shelly is quickly becoming one of my favorite past times, even if it means beginning to panic when i can't find her in a crowded store and wandering way too quickly (pretending to browse) while having the look of a lost 2 year old on my face until she eventually finds me! what is my deal?!

-found a rad new journal at B&N (i could spend all day in that store. for reals.). you know the old british war propaganda posters that were red with bold white writing and said "Keep Calm and Carry On"? well i found a nifty (yes, i just said nifty) little journal that's pink (of course) and in the same style says "Keep Calm and Have a Cupcake"! baha! i think it's awesome! (equally entertaining was browsing the aisles with her and suddenly seeing a book sticking out with her on the cover. i started laughing SO hard! sorry shell, but out of every book in the store, what are the odds?!)

-i also almost bought another journal that i thought was funny because it said "shopping is cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist." sometimes i shop a bit impulsively, just fyi... but once i got home i realized i'm glad i didn't buy it because with the way i shop seeing a psychiatrist would totally be cheaper so the sassy little saying wouldn't even be true! and then i started thinking about the cost of shopping and seeing a psychiatrist and decided to just stop thinking about things all together. i think too much ~~sometimes~~ all the time.

-glee returns in a matter of days and i'm mucho stoked!

-it needs to get warmer so i can start biking. this cold weather is killllllllling me. i hate it. i need to be outside.

-i also need to study.

peace.out

two hundred seventy seven

2010-03-20T18:56:00.001-06:00

my new favorite snippet on earth! i probably watch it 3 times a day. for reals.

two hundred seventy six

2010-03-18T21:52:00.006-06:00

i work at a hospital that just spent what seems like a kazillion dollars on a brand new multi-level wing of expansion. so pray tell, can you see what the hell they did wrong here? it drives me crazy to see it every single time i need to walk toward this hall to get to the elevators...

[edit] i abhor elevators in and of themselves but that's an entirely separate post of it's own!

two hundred seventy five

2010-03-15T21:15:00.006-06:00

it's definitely been a looooooong time since i've posted via my mac opposed to my blackberry and it feels uber weird, but it's the only way to post pics along with my post (we all know how much i suck at posting pics), but i'll do it. whatevvvs, because i've been on a few adventures lately!

adventure#1:

last week tuesday i found myself with a few spare hours in which to study and decided to take a trip on the TRAX. i've never been on TRAX before because i've never had a reason to, and frankly, the hobos and germs sick me out and i really have too much to get done in my life than to needlessly put myself into situations which lead me to find myself strung out on benzos more than i already do. but on this day i decided to challenge my crazy ocd anxiety ridden mind and go down to the city library. why? just to see if i could! also, i love that library, hate having to actually pay for parking downtown, and was desperate to be away from campus since i live 5 minutes away and spend almost every waking hour either working at the hospital

on campus or in classes themselves. so i parked my car at the stadium, gandered at the map of stops and crazy colored dots which were indecipherable to me, and didn't freak out (at least not externally)! i am so freaking proud of myself! good job me!!! :)

truth be told, i lurrrrrv getting lost in the stacks or finding a deserted chair in the corner and just studying or people watching or simply taking in the view of the mountains while staying warm inside. as much as i complain about being uprooted and dragged to utah, it really is gorgeous.

adventure #2:

i'd never been to moab before and went rock climbing down there this past weekend! it was a blast, even though it was freezing and we got rained out and had to drive through the world's sketchiest canyon during a snow storm! i slab climbed, crack climbed, hiked a bit, and rappelled down the middle of a 200 foot red rock arch! it was incredible! it's funny to me to think of how scared i get of people but how i have zero fear when it comes to doing crazy stuff like trusting a nylon braided rope to suspend me 200 feet in the air. oh well. i won't question it. here are some of my favorite pics from the trip. rappelling pics are still to come... be excited.

our campsite

my first climb of the trip. holla!!! i try to act soooo hardcore its hilarious!

the eerily beautiful calm before the storm (although, had it not been for the fact that rain renders sandstone unclimbable, i'm all for watching thunder and lightning storms pass through a desert).

don't know why i dig this shot of an old train track running directly through where we were hiking, but i do...

much loves to moab. the end!

two hundred seventy four

2010-03-10T08:50:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was a rockstar. I don't want to ruin any of the delight that will inevitably ensue, BUT be excited about the my upcoming post and pictures documenting a certain impromptu adventure I voyeured yesterday. It was pretty saaaaweeet!

In other news, I'm running on a literal 2 hours of sleep and may not be making much sense to my co-workers today. Thankfully they're willing to indulge me and all the craziness that working with me tends to imply!

More later!

two hundred seventy three

2010-03-05T22:41:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I get caught up in the insanity of life and kinda forget that I have a future... I know this must seem weird.

I often find myself in autopiolot mode, just going through the motions; bouncing from point A to point B; checking things off the list and forgetting that somewhere in all the mayhem I not only have a future to look forward to, but also have the option to decide what I want to do with that future! Pretty incredible, right?!

Sometimes I get so scared of making a wrong decision that I refuse to make any decision at all. It feels safe that way. But after a while I get tired of being so stagnant, of being exhausted from working so doggedly to simply stay afloat but still not make any real progress.

Well here's the latest on my plans for the future (it feels weird to have some). I applied for fall admittance to finish my BSN in nursing. If I get in then I'll go that route and get my masters as a nurse anesthetist. Even if I end up in a low paying state for that profession I'll still be making bank. If I don't get into the full time program then I'll grad in the fall with my psych degree and apply in the spring for PA programs (I can just apply all of my nursing credits as PA school pre-reqs and won't even have to take any additional classes!) and do my masters that way. I think I'd be happy with either path. That's what makes them so hard to choose between. Either way, I won't be in school forever (even though it feels that way sometimes) and I won't end up working my butt off (literally AND figuratively!) for something dumb like a doctorate in nursing.

Who would have thought when this process all began, that I'd have more potential in life than to just be a rockstar of a trophy wife?! Not gonna lie, it still sounds fun, but knowing what I know now, I don't think I'd be satisfied. I'd get bored. And as much as I cringe to admit it, I'm too damn smart to just sit around and look pretty.

xoxo

two hundred seventy two

2010-03-04T13:09:00.005-07:00

guys,

totally don't want this to turn into an ED blog. that's lame. i want it to be about whatever's on my mind at the time. unfortunately, it often revolves around deciding whether or not to fight my ED at that moment in time. that's gotta stop. cuz that's freaking BORING! so here's a random blurb-

i've always been independent, stubbornly independent to the point of my own demise at times. for the most part its served me well and kept me resilient, but one thing i've never had to be independent about is finances. everything was always taken care of. i didn't even bother to ask about budgets or prices because as far as i was concerned, if it was cute enough that i wanted it, then i should in fact, have it. and with the swipe of a plastic or signature of a check it was mine (well, except for the lexus hardtop convertible that my dad tried to bribe me to recover with, i still don't have that toy. but give me time...).

when i moved out in november i didn't want to hear the crap about all the reasons i should stay home and how i don't pay rent there, or have responsibilities, can come and go as i please, don't have any bills to pay other than paying off whatever i spend on my nordstrom card, mom's at my beck and call, all of my meals are taken care of and i was monitored and kept accountable, yadayadayada. so i decided when i moved that i'd be fully independent. and for a while it was fun. it was like driving around in dad's brand new lexus (it only had 6 miles on it?!) and being out with friends and nonchalantly acting like it was mine, or carrying his cell phone in public while in elementary school and pretending it was mine, or like playing house with a cute boy and imagining what it would be like to have that same person sharing your bathroom for the rest of your life (i imagine disaster, just in case you were wondering). exciting, novel, intriguing.

i was so excited about having to write rent checks for myself every month and getting the monthly statements for utilities and sitting down with my paycheck twice a month to decide how i should most responsibly divvy up the fundage. omg i'm even paying for my own orthodontics because i am that much of a responsible adult!

so it's been a few months and the novelty is definitely beginning to fade. i pay my rent. cool. i pay my ortho bills. done. i pay my tithing. check. but all the little things about gas and electric and wireless internet and dish network (that i don't even use) and so many other things like the inevitable requirement of needing to put petro in my car (i didn't even start putting gas in my own car till college! it's such a hassle!), or the fact that buying food is so freaking expensive (and i'm still not sold on the fact that food is even a good way to spend hard earned money in the first place because you eat it and then it's just gone but leads to having to spend even more money as it settles on my butt and thighs so i suddenly find myself needing to buy new jeans, which just perpetuates this money situation) has kind of lead me to the conclusion that this "being a grown up game" kind of blows!

for reals, i just sat down to figure it all out and i'm pretty sure it leaves like $200 for incidentals like gas and play money and whatever else may come up in the next two weeks of my life. how am i supposed to plan for that?! people can't reasonably live on that! it sounds like a lot of money to a 5 year old, but i spend more than than on a single pair of denim!

therefore, today's conclusion:

sometimes being a big kid isn't very fun.

to make myself feel better i'm on my way to pick out some new organic shampoo and conditioner. it'll all work out one way or another, right? i mean, if all else fails i'll hit up the atm, that is my father. i'm his little girl, its not like he'd let me starve to death or anything!

have a good thursday! :)

xoxo

two hundred seventy one

2010-03-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

No encouragement required.
I'm just stating my thoughts which are ever so conveniently not open to negotiation.

I've been fairly/decently/taking things into consideration/generally meaning/for the most part/having compliant intentions toward/but don't hold me to it- sticking to my d's monumental consumption of a meal plan.
Congrats are in order, yes??

I hate it with a fiery blazing inferno of a passion.
I cancelled on her last week and am dreading this week's little get-together because despite the fact that I'm gaining weight at a rate that will soon result in me being large enough to be the sole source of intake for a moderately populated country in africa, I still find myself in the predicament of theoretically being forced to down well over 20 bottles of boost while in her office, as penance for the few times I said "f- it" to my meal plan and missed its stupid little meal and/or snack demands. I've been racking my head to devise a way out of this disaster but have inevitably come to the somber reality that I may be stuck in her office, guzzling boost, for the entire frickin day. Heart burn and nausea are likely to ensue so perhaps I should obtain a script for IM Phenergan before heading in to smile and converse and shake with silent fury as I tell her how great it is to see her on such a glorious spring day. Kill me now.

Lastly, a pink little pill has re-entered my life to ensure that I'm able to sleep for more than, oh, THREE hours a night. While I appreciate its potency to turn off my racing thoughts and give my little noggin a break from the insanity, I do not in any way see the necessity of it causing and facillitating every possible form of weight gain. Where can I petition against that specific side effect?!

Feel free to blame it on my OCD, but I feel like I'm kinda stuck going in circles here...

two hundred seventy

2010-02-27T13:20:00.001-07:00

Things have kinda hit the fan lately...
I'd blog about it all but I'm kind of still in processing mode...

I've made some choices that have resulted in some big changes in my life, which unfortunately demand some major decisions on my part...
Remember how I hate having to make decisions?! Yeah, me too.

Despite the frequency of feeling inadaquate and overwhelmed, I can eagerly recognize that I've been blessed with some pretty stellar people in my life. Understanding friends that fill me with hope, a family that adores me despite my plights of insanity, a kick-A treatment team that I pray will outsmart my eating disorder just one day at a time.

This past week was National Love Your Body Week and I went to some rad activities that really made me think about recovery.

I met up with a friend for some starbies action a few weeks ago and as we chatted we came to the topic of recovery. She's had her share of ups and downs and we usually keep it pretty superficial but as we sat there talking about past (and present) struggles, I asked her if she thought she was really done with her ED. Like for reals, for life, forever. She paused for a second and her eyes welled up and she looked at me and simply said "Yeah. I think I really am." Although she later apologized for tearing up over what she thought was such a seemingly trivial combination of words, I can't describe the impact it had on me to sit there and see such an accomplished, amazing woman say those words with such certainty. It is a moment that I hope I will never forget. But just in case it starts to fade with time (as even the most precious of memories tend to do) I'm blogging about it to remind myself that recovery is real; that it is possible. To remind myself when I forget, that recovery really is more than the ever ellusive ideal of a facade that I all too often accept it to be.

two hundred sixty nine

2010-02-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

I said it every single time.
I realized it would just never be reciprocated.
So it became a joke.
It became empty-
Just a pleasantry before the click.
For the first time,
She said it to me.
But I don't care,
Cuz its too late..
I'm too empty for it to mean anything anymore.
So I said nothing,
And quickly hung up the phone.

two hundred sixty eight

2010-02-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

Its interesting to me to think of all the stereotypical ways we compensate for our perceived inadequacies in our everyday lives. The big girls date skinny guys. The short guys buy giant trucks. I am always feeling my worst on days I look perfect.

Sometimes I feel stuck between the facades of attempting to be who I dream of becoming, being the person every parent envisions their child being, and simply being my ever imperfect self. I wish the masks didn't have to clash...

But on the other hand, today I look absolutely flawless.

two hundred sixty seven

2010-02-08T19:06:00.001-07:00

I'm still shocked that it happened, but I somehow discovered 50 things that I want in my life! Go me! :D Some of them may be silly, but they all mean something to me and that was kinda the whole point of the assignment! Obviously, the material things were WAY easier to think of, but it feels good to have been able to come up with a list that's all my own. I said I'd post them, so here goes:

50 things alana wants in her life:
1. Black Mercedes G500 with 21 inch chromes
2. House boat at bullfrog on LP
3. Own a house
4. Bachelors degree
5. Masters degree
6. To be a mom
7. Have a healthy marriage
8. Supportive, dependable friends
9. Be content with the progression of my life
10. Tan on the beach in greece
11. Wine tasting in italy
12. Ice skate at Rockefeller square
13. Ability to fast for the right reasons
14. Peace and balance in my spirituality
15. Own my car (title and all)
16. Stability & consistency in daily life
17. Confidence in who I am
18. A hot body
19. A hot husband!
20. Speak italian
21. Play the piano
22. Pick on the guitar
23. Write songs on my guitar
24. Dance in a healthy way
25. Volunteer in a foreign country
26. Go hang-gliding or sky diving
27. Make a recovery quilt
28. Financial security
29. Balance with productivity
30. Get married in the temple
31. Recover from my ED without becoming a blimp
32. Truly be an intuitive eater
33. Have a Mastercraft ski boat
34. Shop for my wedding dress with my bff
35. Actually complete a legit college writing assignment (they terrify me)
36. Chat with friends on the steps of the Met
37. Spend an entire day getting lost in books in Barnes & Noble
38. Fall in love reciprocally (yes, I made that word up)
39. Have a bonfire and camp out on the beach
40. Go 4-Wheeling in moab
41. Hike angel's landing in zions
42. Go on a cruise
43. Name a star
44. Watch a meteor shower
45. See a solar eclipse
46. Hike Mt. Olympus
47. Hike Mt. Timpanogos
48. Beatrice Inn and all it implies
49. Have a double dry martini (two olives) at butter
50. Build and sleep in an igloo
51. Read the BoM from start to finish
52. To be simply, carelessly, whimsically, wholeheartedly happy... For REALS

Not only was I an overachiever in coming up with 52 instead of 50 (anyone surprised?), but I also paid the last installment on my car! Hooray! I can officially check number 15 off of my list!!! Yayyyy! It feels weird to post accomplishments in which I am congratulating myself, but I'm just super excited! Who buys their first car at 19, pays it off without any help, and finds themselves with a Lexus title in their name free and clear at 22?! For someone who once wondered if they'd live to see their 20th birthday, I'm super proud of myself and feel like this is an instance when its okay to say it! :)

xoxo,
alana

two hundred sixty six

2010-02-05T19:03:00.002-07:00

Yesterday with the dreaded D:

While walking back to her office-
J: "So Miss Alana, long time no see..."
Me: "Uh, yeah, life's busy, but its good to see you!" (supress eye roll)
J: "We're getting your weight today and you haven't shown up for an appointment in over a month so don't argue with me about it."
Me: (its been a staggering 10 seconds and I already feel defeated?! We're in for a rough session...just act nonchalant) "Okay... Sure..."

As I'm getting a blind weight taken:
Me: "I swear I've gained the weight of a hearty sized mammoth in the past 2 weeks."
J: "Why would you assume something like that? Have you been weighing yourself?"
Me: "What kind of ED patient would I be if I didn't weigh myself?"
J: (without a single note of sarcasm) "A compliant one."

Whoa J! Ouch! Whatevs, that was brilliant. One point to the D! Haha

When all's said and done?
-weekly sessions are a must. no excuses or negotiation.
-i must be medically stable if i have any hope of staying OP so i need to keep up with my lab draws, EKGs, blah, blah, blah.
-meal by 0900 and 1400, snack by 1900 or boost it up. this we KNOW I'm good at. body by boost baby. hollllllla!

This sucks. But I'm the only one who can get myself out of this mess so I gotta suck it up and just do it.

How were today's dietary goals?

Done and done. :)

two hundred sixty five

2010-01-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, on time (for almost the first time in my entire life), waiting for the first class of the semester to commence. I've been at work since 5:30am and am ever so uncomf as I look around at my darling peers- hair all done, big star jeans, and affliction tees- as they make friends with their neighbors. Not surprisingly, I sit here, not making eye contact, texting on my blackberry as I sit alone in my navy scrubs. Welcome to my life.

I've been thinking a lot lately and I have totally been a downer, which is lame-o even in the most positive light. I think about what's been going on in my life and figure its time for a less cryptic update. I am who I am and sometimes things straight up suck, and I guess that's okay as long as I'm willing to be honest about it. So here goes...

The holidays were lots of ups and downs. I moved out with my friend charlotte the day after thanksgiving and have been having a blast. I'm seriously like 2 minutes from my family's house so I can go home whenever and let rox stay there and play with oaks while I'm working. I like paying my rent and budgeting money for utilities and acting like a legit adult. I'm a dork, but I've embraced it. :)

My dad moved out a few days after I did. I felt like it was my fault for setting off the chain of events, but I know its not. I needed to do what was best for me and not worry about care taking everyone else in my fam. I still see them lots and definitely think I made the right choice. My dad moved back home on christmas eve but I'm just waiting for him to leave again. Its not my problem to fix, nor do I have the ability to, so I try to just accept things for how they are and know that I'm not the cause of anyone's misery.

After doing a food log for N for a while I went back to seeing a dietitian. Her name's jessica and I think I'd really like her if it wasn't for the fact that she's my dietitian and I think she hates me. I was supposed to go once a week and went every few weeks for a little while because apparently I couldn't see N unless I was seeing J. Whatevs.

N also gave me an assignment from back in the inpatient days. I needed to re-do my list of 50 things I want in my life. On my previous list I listed stupidly hopeful stuff like founding a charity and who knows what else... It was obviously not a life changing collaboration, being that I don't remember what I wrote down. As far as I was concerned, I just needed to list 50 random things so I could phase advance. This time around I have other worthwhile tasks to fill my days with and decided I would do it for real if I was going to do it at all. I said I wouldn't come back to see her until I had finished said list because I am an achiever and there's no way I was going to show up and say I was unsuccessful at completing my task. That was several weeks ago... I've been a bit of a debbie downer upon realizing that in trying my hardest, there aren't 50 things that I want in my life. For reals. Only 5 of them can be material things and those were the only easy ones to come up with. I think about my list every day and am up to 32 things. I'll post them once (if) I reach 50. At that point I'll also schedule to see N. I really miss her. But until then why go see J if I'm not seeing N anyway.

I finally met with my bishop on sunday. I've done some dumb stuff that needs to be fixed but it feels good to not be hiding from it anymore. And that always brings relief. :)

Over the break from school I became preeeeetty crafty and have loved it! I finished a scarf that I attempted to start 5 years ago. It ended up being way cute and I was so proud of myself! I gave it to Loni for Christmas since the yarn was originally bought with her in mind. :) I'm almost done crocheting a pink and grey fuzzy scarf for my sister, L. I'm also planning on finally making a quilt (thanks to Ivy!) from all of the designer denim I had to get rid of after treatment but can't bear to give or throw away. I'm super excited about it! AND I made my first batch of cupcakes! All by myself! And they didn't burn or make anyone sick or anything! Funfetti for zeke's last day working with us in same day and they were delish! :D

There are still lots of things that I need to fix in my life but at this point I'm trying to simply take life one day at a time!

Ciao bellas.

two hundred sixty four

2010-01-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

Something always brings me back to him,
It never takes too long.
Hold me without touch,
Keep me without chains.
Set me free, leave me be,
I don't want to fall another moment
S was my gravity.

B,
I would pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.

C's my good time cowboy casanova.
Looks like a cool drink of water but is candy coated misery.
He gives me feelings that i don't want to fight
I'd better run for my life.

Storybook endings,
Fairy tales coming true,
Deep down inside I want to believe they still do. It's my favorite part of the story.
All I'm looking for is my happily ever after.

two hundred sixty three

2009-12-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

A few realizations have hit me recently:
-im not very fun. This was made evident by the depressing convo with my little sis. "Can we ever hangout and actually do something? I don't care what- we can do whatever you want to do, but please can we just do something?" Sorry J, yes we can definitely do something. I haven't a clue what, but we must do SOMETHING. Yikes.
-i can't fix everything. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with this fact, but acknowlegement is the first step, right?!
-family time and misery are perpendicular. I am depressingly familiar with both angles and the persistent collision of them.
-i have a love/hate relationship with all things "karma," but seem to be bff's with irony.
-my favorite fairytale has become "a proclaimation to the family."
-i stopped believing in dreams after discovering the reality that happiness is merely a wish your heart makes.

two hundred sixty two

2009-12-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

Its super easy to kiss the boys you know you'll never see again. The ones you tire of in a matter of weeks. But its scary when you can't figure out why you are still into the same one after multiple months. When you're not finding excuses to stay home and study. When you talk everyday but it still feels like it could all end in an instant. So you put off anything that may ruin it, and anything that may make you fall for him, because you don't want to contribute to the hurt you'd inevitably feel if (when) it all falls apart.

And then one day it does. But you somehow find that ever allusive place where you realize that even if in some strange, alternative reality-

It really will be okay in the end.

two hundred sixty one

2009-11-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

wow. there's nothing funnier than seeing a guy rocking out alone as he drives by in his ford taurus while wearing "faux-kleys" on a cloudy day!

two hundred sixty

2009-11-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

Dear professor whom I am too classy to specifically name,
Just because your exams take me 15 minutes to complete opposed to the alotted 2 hours you expect from your other mediocre students does NOT mean that I do not take my education seriously. If you give us 2 hours and I allow myself a full 30 minutes, don't attempt to make me feel like a careless person. I fully utlized my time this morning to straighten my hair and match my eyeshadow to my coat and lipgloss and there's nothing wrong with that. I feel no regret over not kissing your ass the way you expect everyone else to just because you have the letters p, h, and d after your name. They mean nothing to me. I finished my test with a complete 15 minutes to spare so don't harass me mmmkay? I don't harass you about your lack of teaching ability, your insufficient breadth of knowledge for the course, or even about your permapressed stain resistant treated khakis from kohl's. And finally, when you make me go upstairs to the office because you're assuming it will take me 2 hours and you don't have the patience to sit and attempt to collect your ever-so-fragmented thoughts, do not assume the hollow plywood encased door I sit behind is soundproof as you bad mouth me to the secretary you have handed me off to. Proctor your own test. Understand that we aren't all as dense as you are. And learn how to keep your voice down as you gossip about the student you have in the next room.

Sincerely,
Me

two hundred fifty eight

2009-11-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

My heartbeat beats me senselessly-
Why's everything gotta be so intense with me?
Im trying to handle all of this unpredictability,
And in all probability
It's a long shot
But I say why not?
If I say forget it I know that I'll regret it.
It's a long shot just to beat the odds,
And the chance is we won't make it
But I know that if I don't take it
There's no chance.
And you're the best I've got.
So here goes a long shot...

two hundred fifty seven

2009-11-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

{Sometimes I forget that I can't live as an island unto myself}

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
God grant me patience for things that take time, appreciation for all that I have, tolerance for those with different struggles, and the strength to get up and live one day at a time.

{And its okay to need a little help from time to time}

two hundred fifty six

2009-11-01T17:12:00.001-07:00

I have an odd facination with home depot. I'm serious. Every time I walk in there I get a little tingle that goes through me. Its different than the buzz that I get when I walk into nordy's, but its definitely from the same lineage. I think the difference is with nords I know what I'm in for and the delight which will inevitably ensue as I hand pick my latest baubbles. But HD is so foreign and new to me. I am completely overwhelmed at its vast aisles but am paralyzingly thrilled at the limitless possibilities! I don't even know where to start and I love the potential it encompasses!

I don't know what it is, but there's something about fall that leaves me feeling creative and inspired. This is usually satisfied through indulgence at nordy's annual october lingerie campaign, but this year I was vastly disappointed. How can something as fabulous as fall lingerie (in all of their phenomenal, complexion complimenting jewel toned goodness) not bring immediate and lasting bliss?! If only betsy johnson would come to grips with the fact that hot pink rose bud printed mesh will never again be coveted intimate apparel... Hopefully the holidays will bring more shopping delight, but in the mean time Home Depot and DIY projects may be just what I need to keep my creative bug happily at bay!

two hundred fifty five

2009-10-29T12:08:00.000-06:00

Of anything he could have chosen to say-
"Ohhh I love scar stories!"
Well pumpkin,
Let the stories begin...

Happy halloween, indeed.

two hundred fifty four

2009-10-27T14:14:00.000-06:00

what I've been thinking about today...

-this morning it snowed for the first time this season. It hasn't stopped.
-i didn't bring a coat. Of course it didn't even dawn on me leaving my house at 5:30am in the snow, to bring a freaking coat!
-i've been at the u since summer of 2oo7 and have never owned a single piece of collegiate apparel.
-i just bought my first u of u hoodie and I am THRiLLEd to be wearing it right now! :)

Happy snow day! :)

two hundred fifty three

2009-10-25T11:13:00.002-06:00

Some say I'm picky,

others may even say spoiled,

but I see it as merely being accustomed.

I know what I like, and I know what I don't like.

I make no apologies for having experiences that lead to having higher standards and expectations due to the fact that once I've encountered the best I will not settle. It's the unique combination of my likes and dislikes that make me who I am. And I love that.

I'm not fond of:

-Earthworms-Spitting on sidewalks-Spitting at all-Fountain sprite-Peanuts-Avacados-Corn on the cob-Muffin tops over pants-Holes in food-Video game music-When bangs get stuck in sunglass hinges-Getting cute new bangs cut, then going tanning and realizing you forgot bobby pins to hold them back!-ice in orange juice-Chanel handbags-when people put an "'s" on the end of words that are singular (Ex: "I was at Nordstrom'S the other day...")-mushrooms-chocolate syrup-cucumbers-plastic siding-anything spicy-sticky movie theatre floors-when people manually unlock a single door on automatic car doors-soup spoons-lotion between my toes-white SUVs-rose toned gold-ER waiting rooms-kathy griffeth-walnuts-arrowhead water-panty lines-self parking-crystal light-wingers-old navy tv commercials-dirty fingernails-mayo in anything-eggs

But I do find tremendous delight in:

-Guess stilletos-Michael Kors-Marc Jacobs-The Body Shop-Chanel cosmetics-hydrogen peroxide-kettle corn-snail mail-almonds-hot fudge-peanut butter-smoothly blended guacamole-candy canes-stucco-being the baby spoon!-teaspoons for everything-magenta sunsets of indian summer-garlic stuffed green olives-cruise control-pandora for blackberry-bold white watches-bright colored lingerie-lounging in boyshorts and a cami-the first few coats of a brand new mascara-chelsea handler-pecans-vapor distilled water-nielsen's frozen custard finally taking visa-going commando under white-energy conservation-overindugence in the use of cleaning products-valet parking-clever, witty advertising-blairbands-1000 thread count sheets-buying products that were proudly made in the USA-thunder & lightning-dark, glossy, matte nail polish hues for fall-anticipating the holidays, their celebration, decoration, and accessori-zation! :)

Hope you're all having a great weekend!

xoxo

two hundred fifty two

2009-10-24T10:28:00.000-06:00

With increasing age and decreasing visual acuity, why do senior citizens opt for cars which are closer to the size of cruise ships than automobiles? Doesn't it seem like a bad idea to give diminished eyesight more surface area to keep track of??

Hmmm. Interesting...

two hundred fifty one

2009-10-22T16:00:00.000-06:00

I've been immensely contemplating career decisions in respect to school classes and planning for the future and have been a wee bit stressed about it. Me- stressed and indecisive?! What?! ;) Yeah, I know, story of my life! Haha

Well I've been doing my research on the different programs and career routes and found myself completely overwhelmed. Its like the more I tried to understand, the more confused I was! Super frustrating, and super worrisome when I think of time just ticking down and graduation deadlines looming and all of that anxiety inducing, imminent death producing dread. I've been praying a lot and trying to plan to the best of my ability, but still felt so uneasy about it all. Its a sucky feeling which prompted many notions of wanting to simply drop out and call it good.

I know that there is more than one path I can take in my life that will lead to success, and happiness, and self actualization, and all other earthly joy imaginable. I'm sure HF would support a number of my options. But it'd be so much easier to receive an solid answer that says "go to PA school" or "do the DNP program" or even "don't finish your BSN because you'll hate getting your doctorate in nursing." But no answer came. I was feeling fairly hopeless and wanting to make no progress for myself so that I could just wait for HF's prompting to knock me in the head in the direction of my perfect destiny. But no such revelation came...

Instead, I made appointments with 4 different advisors in my multiple I'm-a-psycho-who-has-a thousand-majors-but-doesnt-know-what-to-do-with-them departments and prayed lots before going into them, and miracle of all miracles, things are finally beginning to make a slight bit of sense! :) Wanna know the plan of attack? I'm thrilled to have one! I will continue with my psych major next semester and apply for the traditional BSN program in january. I find out if I'm in by the first week of may. If I'm in the program I will start in the fall and graduate with a bachelor of science degree in both psychology and nursing before going on to get my masters in psychiatric nursing or doctorate in acute care. Thankfully I do not need to decide which one yet! If I don't get in to the traditional BSN program I will graduate with my psych degree in the summer and apply for PA school in the fall and get my masters that way.

Things may change, but I can't think about this any more right now. My head feels about to explode. But this seems like a good plan- at least for now! ;)

two hundred fifty

2009-10-19T21:40:00.003-06:00

~~{flat on the floor with my head down low}~~

to have never tried-

so that you'll never have to deal with the possibility of failure...
some claim its "having the backbone to not run away from responsibilities."
i say it takes having a backbone to actually lead the life you want to live.
and I say it takes even more backbone to go face-to-face with the things you've dreamed of for years but destroyed in the matter of just 60 little minutes.
i'm just not ready yet...

~~{hiding from the storm till the damage is done}~~

two hundred forty nine

2009-10-18T08:14:00.000-06:00

Maybe I just don't get it,
But what is it about boys that makes them feel so compelled to make all vehicles sound like diesel run busses? Does the excess noise make them feel superior? I'd be personally embarrassed if anything. Explain this to me!

two hundred forty eight

2009-10-08T07:29:00.002-06:00

[a post of substance]

i know my posts are often vague. but they say what i need to say and can be applied to whatever i need them for. this one's not so cryptic. it is simply what it is and i'm okay with that.

in order to reestablish a smidgin of accountability in my life, n has me doing a food log in which i need to be signed off by whoever witnesses me eat. it pretty much sucks. but she didn't think i'd be able to do it, so here i am getting my meals signed off on an (almost) daily basis. super embarrassing. especially at work. fml.

i've also been going to group more often- as in making the 40 minute drive like 3 times a week. killer on the gas tank. last night i was sick of making the drive and paying the money that doesn't seem to be giving tangible progress, and thinking of all of the incredible clothes, and shoes, and handbags that could have been enjoyed with all of the dough that's been dumped into treatment of my "condition." the hospitalizations, inpatient treatment, residential treatment, day patient, intensive outpatient, normal outpatient sessions, group therapy, individual therapy, dietary sessions, blah blah blah... so sherla drove me down in order to make sure i went to process group last night and it was surprisingly good to be there. it's good to be around other people who get it, and who are back in forth and just honest in not being 100% committed 100% of the time.

most of the girls in group are struggling to find out why they do the things they do and have these periods of encouragement for change as they are enlightened with the motivation behind their behaviors. it's a pretty rad feeling. i've been there. but i have been in treatment for the past 7 years and know exactly why i do things, but can't quite figure out why i'd still rather do them than risk the anxiety of failure when i try to get better for good and simply can't do it. so i go through the motions and know all the right lines, i have been better and i have most definitely been worse, and now i'm just here. not going forward, but not really going backward. just not going anywhere.

sherla always asks so enthusiastically "was group good tonight?!" and of course i say yes, because all she can do to help is be sure that i actually show up and i don't want her any more frustrated or discouraged with me. the worst thing possible would be for your own mother to give up on you. group really was good so shouldn't things be getting better? but every time i attempt to explain why things are still so hard she kind of shoots a wall up and just says "okay honey, well just keep going to therapy and group." it's kind of weird because i'm so used to being the one who shoots up the wall whenever i don't want to let a conversation in. thanks anyway, mom.

so i guess at this point i'll go to group, show up to see n, and continue to wait for a miracle that will suddenly make recovery seem worth fighting for again.

two hundred forty seven

2009-10-04T10:27:00.002-06:00

i lurrrv storms.

for reals.

the dark sky,

cold wind,

thunder,

lightning,

all of it.

it leads to hot chocolate,

classic novels,

comfy sweats,

and snuggling by the fireplace while looking out a large picture window.

all of my favorite things!

happy sunday to all!

two hundred forty six

2009-10-03T18:33:00.002-06:00

i love listening to a good rumor

especially when it involves myself

more than anything, i love making those rumors

t.r.u.e.

[itWILLalwaysGETbackTOme]

quiet people are s k e t c h y. i don't buy that "i'm shy" crap. don't come to dinner with us, not say a word, and then fill your dreary therapy sessions with gossip inferred by the conversation joined by everyone BUT you... don't you have enough of your own stuff to work on during those precious 50 minutes?!

wow.

classy.

[iAMsoOVERyou]

two hundred forty five

2009-09-26T17:05:00.002-06:00

the highlight of my entire WEEK:

we've all seen the beyonce video for single ladies.

we've seen the drama that all too frequently occurs whenever kanye is invited to an awards show.

we've even enjoyed the SNL spoof featuring the deliciousness that is justin timberlake.

today i was telling my little sibs about the SNL spoof and logged on to pull it up on youtube.

they started telling me about the spoof the saw and showed me this:

not gonna lie, the man can dance! they thought it was so funny, but i was seriously impressed!

then i went to pull up the JT version.

instead, i was equally shocked and disgusted by the hilarity of discovering this little ditty!

you KNOW this guy was serious.

OMG.

go ahead and watch it again.

talk about a guilty pleasure, i have seriously watched it at least a half dozen times!

the best part?

i laugh JUST as hard with each subsequent viewing!

two hundred forty four

2009-09-25T23:29:00.005-06:00

"you're not starting over.

the foundation's still there,

perhaps a little cracked,

but definitely still there.

umm, you did burn the house down to the ground though..."

~~what a gem~~

two hundred forty three

2009-09-17T16:28:00.001-06:00

My concern is in my comfort.
With the way my head whirls every time I stand.
The way my thoughts no longer feel muddled,
But in an instant feel crisp & pristine.
Logically I should probably be alarmed at the ease in which the past has become the present,
But instead I feel calm.
Like I've finally found home again.

two hundred forty two

2009-09-13T14:56:00.001-06:00

It's simple-
Just tell me the truth.

I used to live by it
And I need to live that way again.

You know what's so good about the truth?
Everyone knows what it is,
No matter how long they've lived without it.
No one forgets the truth-
They just get better at lying.
So tell me.
Because all I know is what I feel.
And if you can't...

Then I guess there isn't much more to say, is there???

two hundred forty one

2009-09-10T19:51:00.000-06:00

I am going to make an effort to post more regularly, because let's be honest, I have lots to say! ;)

First of all,
I still know more than my proffesor and walked out of his lecture today because I could have explained everything about his shotty powerpoint way better than he could even hope to. I was so embarassed for him. Who gave his man a PhD, and can they PLEASE take it back?! It really feels like what I imagine a community college class to be like...

Second,
I'm required to take a nutrition intervention class for my major. I took it online because years of seeing a dietitian and desperately searching for ways to rationalize an eating disorder make me quite the knowledge bank when it comes to the function of macronutrients in the human body. The unexpected part was having to go into a room and get weighed, measured, and analyzed in order to procure my assignments for the course. I kind of freaked out and didn't show up to my first scheduled appointment, but didn't want to fail the class so I went today. It ended up just being 2 grad students in the room conducting the tests, so it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated it being, but the numbers and percentages part still sucked big time. at least there was a hottie doing my blood panels. Apparently I'm an abnormally slow bleeder... He said it was because my hands were so cold, I say he just wanted to hold my hand! ;) totally kidding. I'm just glad to be done with it.

Lastly (for today),
I went to a new primary care doc today (I'm sick of having to drive 45 minutes away every month just to pick up a stupid script) and I really like her! She's young(er), seems to know what she's talking about, and is really nice! At the end of my appointment she mentioned me having my records sent from my old doc, who has been my ED doc since the CFC days... No doubt that stuff will be in there, so I casually said "yeah, okay, well it may say stuff about heart problems and having an eating disorder, but I don't have that stuff any more so just disregard it!" She was chill and was like "that's okay, I have a bunch of ED patients so we can talk about it later." Ummm, sure, whatevvvs! So I peaced out, but it was great. But I like that I liked her. Its hard to find docs that I like. Most of them are scary or mean or don't listen to what I'm trying to say, but she was great. So hooray! :)

two hundred forty

2009-09-06T10:25:00.000-06:00

Can someone explain to me why we pay thousands every semester to take class from someone who has no idea what they're talking about?! I mean really. I'm taking this class called drugs & behavior through the psych department. Obviously, we need to understand the basic anatomy of the brain in order to understand how these specific substances affect normal brain functioning, but this professor has no idea what he's talking about and it drives me crazyyyyy! Granted, I recognize that psych majors don't need to understand neuron function to the degree that I do as a nursing student, but that shouldn't mean that its okay to just make up answers to questions the professor doesn't know the answer to! I wanna raise my hand and say "excuse me sir, you seem like a nice guy but I think you're full of it..." Whatevvvs. I just needed to vent a little because academic credit aside, this class feels like a waste of time and I think that's LAME. Here's to getting an easy A this semester!

two hundred thirty nine

2009-08-26T20:58:00.000-06:00

I I went to group therapy tonight for the first time in, I don't know, 3 years? I was soooo nervous. I didn't go see N this week so I thought I'd be proactive and go to group instead of doing nothing at all. Especially since its the first week of fall semester and I'm already freaking out (story.of.my.life). Mom was so sweet and drove me down because she knew I wouldn't have gone down if I had to drive down there by myself. So she and L and j came down and just hung out while I went to group. I was sooo anxious but felt a lot better when I saw jen and britta and allison there! I didn't know the therapist facillitating the group but he ended being awesome. I think allison's doing okay, but britta's struggling and I feel bad for not being more of a support for her. She's always been so kind to me. She has lost a visible amount of weight, but not too, too much. It's the saddness in her eyes that show how hard she's been fighting lately. I know that seems silly to say, but it's so true. It's noticeable when someone usually so vibrant suddenly isn't anymore... I'm sad that she's so sad. There were these day patients that were so vocal about the magic of being in recovery and part of me wanted to say "sorry to burst your recovery bubble, but it doesn't actually get any better as the years go on..." Of course, I refrained. I think it's great for them to feel so enthusiastic, but they're in for a rude awakening the first time they fall flat on their faces. The whole point is learning to pick yourself back up. But if you never fall, you have no opportunity to learn. I absolutely remember the days of feeling so excited about recovery. But they're long gone... After years of back and forth and going in circles, it just gets exhausting. Uhhh, good group, huh?

two hundred thirty eight

2009-08-25T12:00:00.000-06:00

As much as it sucks to have to manage your time and learn without being face to face with a professor in lecture, I'm quickly coming to the realization that online classes are a god send. No stares as you walk in the room. No uncomfort as you walk past a group of friends in the hall and are walking by alone as they look at you. No awkward urges to make friends with a stranger on the first day of class just so that you don't need to sit alone for the rest of the semester. No false impressions that you're a frigid little snot because you walk in, take copious notes without acknowledging a single person, and then leave as soon as it would be deemed polite to do so.

Yes.

Online classes are the place for me.

Log out.

two hundred thirty seven

2009-08-24T21:17:00.000-06:00

I have a great life,
Its truly not bad,
So can someone explain how I can still feel so sad???

two hundred thirty six

2009-07-18T12:07:00.000-06:00

I love nordys.
I love the anniversary sale.
I just love shopping.
It sounds cliche,
The muse of pre-teen girls around the world.
But it completes me.
Because when I shop my world gets better.
My world IS better.
And then its when not I know I can go buy something,
Anything-
And suddenly (even for a moment),
The world is okay again.

two hundred thirty five

2009-07-12T14:40:00.001-06:00

knowing what you've got.

knowing what you need.

knowing what you can do without.

[inventory control]

two hundred thirty four

2009-05-22T09:20:00.003-06:00

take a look at yourself in a mirror.

who do you see looking back?

is it the person you want to be?

or is there someone else you were meant to be,

but fell short of?

is there someone telling you that you can't?

or that you won't?

because you can.

and i believe that.

i believe that love is out there.

somewhere.

i believe that sometimes happiness doesn't come from money,

or from fame,

or from power.

i believe that sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family,

and even from the quiet nobility of simply living a good life.

so take a look into that mirror and remind yourself to be happy.

because you deserve that.

and believe that dreams come true every single day.

because they do.

two hundred thirty three

2009-05-22T00:50:00.000-06:00

There comes a time in every child's life when they reach the inevitable conclusion that their parents may potentially be even more screwed up than they are...

And as disturbing as this realization is,
I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of the notion that one day my kids may be thinking the exact same thing about me...

And perhaps they too, will discover they're right...

two hundred thirty two

2009-05-20T22:07:00.000-06:00

Ever wondered how many anorexic nurses work at the u? Probably not...

But if you were to ever find yourself curious, just take a peek at how many svelte girls are walking up and down 6 flights of stairs during their lunch break...

Interesting indeed...

two hundred thirty one

2009-05-07T14:54:00.002-06:00

and in classic alana fashion,

i show up 45 minutes late to my last final,

finish the exam with another 20 minutes on the clock,

and promptly head home-

thrilled that i now have justifiable time

to reorganize my bookshelf,

vacuum every dusty bunny from the corners they sought to occupy,

and do the inconceivably massive amount of laundry that has accumulated throughout the course of an entire semester of not having time to wash my dirty clothes.

my linen closet door can now close without piles of color coordinated filth spilling out

and i am thrilled!

not just about the abundance of clean clothes,

some of which i had forgotten i owned,

but also about the fact that the sun is shining and

i actually have enough time to enjoy it

without having to pry my face away from a textbook!

hooray for summer!

two hundred thirty

2009-05-06T01:24:00.002-06:00

make a wish and place it in your heart.

anything you want.

and everything you want.

do you have it?

good.

now believe it can come true.

you never know where the next miracle is going to come from.

the next smile.

the next wish come true.

but if you believe that its right around the corner,

you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it,

to the certainty of it,

you might just get the thing you're wishing for.

the world is full of magic,

you just need to believe in it.

so make your wish.

do you have it?

good.

now believe in it.

with all your heart.

two hundred twenty nine

2009-04-11T09:33:00.000-06:00

"What big eyes you have," said little red riding hood to her grandmother. "The better to see you with," said grandmother as she lay in her bed.

"What big sunglasses you have," they say to me. "The better to hide from you with," is my reply as I slowly disappear from this world.

Doing it in style.
And looking looking doing it.

two hundred twenty eight

2009-03-01T09:46:00.007-07:00

a little update on my life:

i'm still sick of school. this is inevitably what happens when i attempt to study.

i'm less physically sick than last week.

thank god.

in between my naps nick and i just played our guitars. good times.

i'm still in love with the fox boys.

cute as ever, and getting bigger every day!!!

i want them to stay little, for even just a little longer!

i went to rascal flatts with anna last week.

i'll love them till the day i die!

i cried when they played Stand. i think i always will. anna said she thinks of me every time she

hears it play, and that made me cry even harder!

we like it,

we love it,

we want some more of it!!!

(yeah i know that's tim, but country love is country love, right?!)

two hundred twenty seven

2009-02-24T22:49:00.002-07:00

~~to find personal truths through the secrets of strangers...~~

~~i just can't get enough.~~

two hundred twenty six

2009-02-17T12:07:00.006-07:00

its yucky weather today. and i love it.

here are some other things i love:

- spending quality time with the little bro

-chilling with rockstar, yes, she will ALWAYS top my list!

-getting together with friends you haven't seen in a while and realizing that some relationships will never change.

-the goo goo dolls

-adele's new cd

-doing well on a dreaded anatomy exam

-getting enough sleep

-staying warm when its cold outside

-pink blackberrys

-snugging with cute boys

-hanging out with my siblings and not wanting to be anywhere out in the world

have a fabulous day! :)

two hundred twenty five

2009-02-15T08:01:00.007-07:00

it was the world's best friday the 13th!

it's 6:30 am on friday, feburary 13, 2009 and i get a call from alisa. her water broke and she couldn't get ahold of her mom. i went straight up to watch alexander and jaxon and we could barely contain our excitement! they were so stoked to have a new baby in their family! the hardest part was keeping them distracted until mom delivered! all they wanted to do was go see "their baby" at the hospital. it was adorable!

to pass the time we hung out at home and played for a while, ran some errands, and hit up starbucks for "milkshakes." we even stopped by sherla's house to play for a bit with rockstar and oakley! they were thrilled to see the boys! we were eating lunch on the train at shivers when jason finally called to say that baby fox had arrived!

introducing dayne xavier fox. 19.25 inches, and just 6 pounds, 4 ounces! he is so little, but just perfect!!! the boys and i jumped back in the car so that they could finally meet their baby brother. they were so cute and were able to give baby d his first bath!

i had to work that afternoon but was lucky enough to be working just one floor up in the same hospital! i delighted in stopping in throughout the day and after my shift to spend some time with the fox family. congrats on their new addition! what a perfect little family!

two hundred twenty four

2009-02-10T07:41:00.002-07:00

dear meg,

if i was invisible,

i would just watch you in your room!

hahaha

dear _____,

something always brings me back to you.

it never takes too long.

no matter what i say or do,

i still feel you here

till the moment i'm gone.

i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity,

but you're on to me-

and all over me.

dear everyone else,

i'm totally a zombie today.

i'm blogging in class in order to attempt staying awake after working a killer grave shift.

i got everything done and the charge nurse told me to go take a nap at 5am,

so i did.

too bad she forgot to wake me up and a patient's family was sent back to the room to find me sleeping in their bed!

i was seriously SO embarrassed.

and startled, and insanely disoriented.

but mainly just really embarassed.

so i was stoked to get outta there

assoonaspossible

yikes.

in other news,

i had to get a restraining order against a crazy man who wouldn't leave me alone.

super fun.

not.

icky.

boys are bad news.

except for the fox boys.

alex, jax, and xavier to the rescue!

i heart them.

in even better news,

i went bowling with the fox familia and rob,

and my dad and my sisters came too

and it was uber fun!

i am definitely not a bowler by any stretch of the imagination,

but i bowled a 141!

bom chicka wah wah!

and yes,

the bumpers WERE on.

you know you love me!

xoxo

two hundred twenty three

2009-02-09T16:14:00.005-07:00

since interest rates are so low, a few months ago i refi-ed my car.

when the original loan was paid off i apparently i sent in a little too much, so i received this nifty cool check in the mail...

preeeetttty sure it cost them more to print and mail me the check than the amount the check is actually good for!

i'm blown away and naturally needed to snap a pic!

hahahahahahahahaha

two hundred twenty two

2009-02-07T10:17:00.002-07:00

Its funny how just when you need it, you are reminded of exactly what you've known all along-

"That sometimes in life you're gonna fall,
Lose your grip,
Trip and fall.
When you can't lean on no one else,
That's when you find yourself.
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walking's easy when the road is flat
But dang those hills'll get you every time.
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we can learn how to CLIMB."

Strength for the climb 2oo4,
And going the distance,
And one step at a time.

And regardless of the outcome,
You do what you can do,
And in the end that's all that's asked of you.

two hundred twenty one

2009-02-04T15:19:00.001-07:00

Let the breakdown continue.
He's a jerk.
I'm a baby.
I finally cracked and called her.
She said she was thrilled.
She said she wasn't disappointed.
And I finally started to cry.
Like 3 big crocodile tears,
But lots of sniffles,
And head nods,
And "okay"s.
And I felt a little better.
And it had nothing to do with the fact that I'd just bought a pair of $300 boots.
But I'm still exhausted.
And frustrated.
And sad.
And I hate that.
But at least I'm willing to admit it.
This time...

two hundred twenty

2009-02-03T08:05:00.003-07:00

so she says she doesn't understand why i don't understand,

because apparently i understand it all a little too well...

i just ~~can't~~ won't take a step.

i'm frustrated.

(she's frustrated.)

she brings up the term

"mentally masturbating"

and it makes me mad.

because what does that even mean???!!!

then she dares to mention

BPD

and it makes me furious.

so upset in fact that i spit out the truth.

i almost start to cry.

and she calls it a breakthrough.

what do i do?

...shut down...

ever so naturally.

because i'm sick of working in circles.

sick of wondering why i lack the motivation to act,

opposed to torturing myself with the cyclical analysis of it all.

at the end she casually says

thank you for your honesty

and tells me to

embrace my weaknesses.

she has no idea how piercing that honesty feels as it courses out of me

as unfiltered as it was in that impulsive instant of pure truth.

i feel bad that i've cracked.

that she's seen that i'm broken.

and that the facade can never be resurrected.

she tells me to come back next week-

i say i'll see her in like, a month, maybe.

she says to call if i need anything.

and i simply smile as i

walk.out.the.door

because i'm bored, and stuck, and exhausted.

and i really just need a diet coke

and a few other things

and a break from it all.

two hundred nineteen

2009-01-09T18:26:00.000-07:00

Its me again, be excited! :) well team, life's been good. Busy and sleep deprived as usual, but good. And I can't complain. And I feel grateful. What I'm not grateful for is the fact that I've spent over $400 US dollars on textbooks for just one of my multiple classes for this upcoming semester. Remember how I'm a poor starving college student?! Okay so the starving part doesn't apply as much anymore, but the poor college student part is totally applicable! I am getting totally ripped off here! And yet I pay it. Because I'm a pleaser to the system, because its cheaper to buy the books in the first place than have to retake the class later, because all I want to do is get my freaking degree and be done with escuela! I took last semester off and I loved it, but all of a sudden spring 09 is commencing at 8:30 am on monday morning and I'm panicking already! School is so stressful and I hate that! But I don't want to keep delaying it either. So I'm going to suck it up, try my best, and call it good (This vote of confidence brought to you by the lovely creators of ativan). Wish me luck!
Xoxo

two hundred eighteen

2009-01-05T16:15:00.001-07:00

Hi friends.

Just a quick update, I survived the last hour of church yesterday (barely) and ended up having a pleasant afternoon/evening with the familia.

Also, get well soon wishes to loni, my dear little sickie who deserves every bit of tlc the boy bestows on her! Especially becuase she is the very one who has taught him to be such a good bf! So cute. Defy gravity meeks, in more ways than one (you know what I'm saying)!

Welcome back whitters! You thought you were getting away from the arctic tundra huh?! Surprise! Haha rr soonsies?

Loves to you all!

two hundred seventeen

2009-01-04T14:40:00.003-07:00

So I make this goal to be happy and balanced in my life. And I wake up this morning, happy and content with the sun shining and rockstar snugging on my pillow, and jenna makes us brunch, and I hang out with my uber adorable sibs, and I feel prompted to go to church. Weird, but fine. Nothing's ever easy with my family so of course we show up 20 minutes late (better late than never, right?) And of course there is no where to sit except for the very FRONT row. And of course my heart starts pounding and I think I should just turn around and go home instead of walking through a packed chapel full of people I don't know. And of course my madre proceeds to walk right down the middle of the chapel with my family in tow. At this point I really don't have an option but to follow, so I do. But of course I'm terrified becuase I'm convinced that everyone is staring in horror at how big my ass is and how un-washboard like my abs have become under my banana republic sweater. So the meeting ends and I slip out before feeling obligated to make eye contact with anyone and end up following my sibs to their new primary classes for 2009. And sherla stops to observe all of our kids classes and insists on questioning the answers of any primary leader trying to giving direction to the unruly bunch of hellions. At the end of it all I politely ask if we could just sit in the back for sunday school and fly under the radar becuase I'm feeling so anxious and she rolls her eyes and tells me I'm being ridiculous. Understanding and supportive as always, right? And so we go to our adult class and of course by the time we get there (after micromanaging the primary) the only seats left are in the very front again. I said I couldn't walk through a whole congregation of strangers again and so she just STANDS in the doorway drawing attention to us as she attempts to come up with a plan of action. She finally suggests that we just stand in the back since I don't want to have to walk to the front. That's gotta be the worst plan ever! So I am now just sitting on a couch in the foyer waiting for it to finish because I've convinced myself that I will somehow sit in this church for the whole 3 hour block. Sherla is sitting next to me, resenting the fact that I have now made HER self conscious of walking to the front when there is no reason for that and she says I shouldn't feel that way. And I feel like a jerk. And I have no desire to smile or mingle or introduce myself to my parents new ward members. And I'm sure it looks like I'm just a total bitch but I really don't care right now. I still have another hour to go. And all I want to do is run away. To anywhere, anywhere but here.

two hundred sixteen

2009-01-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

I can't believe its 2009 already. Where did 'o8 go?! I ended up having a low key but fantastically satisfying new years eve. The morning after I thought to myself of how dorky I must be to choose to spend my night at home with my little sister while everyone else was out being crazy. But then I realized why this chill, uneventful evening was so appealing to me. I'm exhausted by the cumulative consequences of a lifetime of hasty choices and chaotic passions, often from passions for chaos itself. And its silly. And I set a resolution, to find more enjoyment, and peace, and balance in my life. To take the time for a pedi, or to get a massage. To feel no guilt for taking care of my body, and my mind, and my soul. And to indulge in things that truly make me happy. Becuase life's too short not to.

Happy 2009 to each and everyone of you!

Kalos kai agathos
xoxo

two hundred fifteen

2008-12-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

We all know of my weakness for good looking men.
The kind that give me movado watches for christmas,
The kind with abs so hard they could be used to wash every piece of fabric on earth and not show a sign of wear and tear,
The kind that are absolute self absorbed pigs yet leave me breathless and fluttering with every interaction.
There's no denying that I love me a good looking man.
Well this week I have discovered a new favorite.
Enter cody:
The final semester doctorate student who has decided to study chiropractics and save my back,
But has also single handedly saved my vision through his delicious good looks.
He's smart, funny, and has a jawline chiseled by god himself!
Suddenly my neck has been absolutely KILLiNG me and I have a funny little feeling that I may 'need' to go in to the chiropractor a bit more often than I used to-
Say, oh... 3 times a week?! ;)

two hundred fourteen

2008-12-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

I know that I tend to get restless. And I know that I tend to be insatiable. But I also know that I have been blessed with so so SO much. I am sitting here at the chiropractor, reflecting over the past year as 2008 is about to come to a close, i am amazed at all that I have. I have a somewhat dysfunctional but amazingly fun and loving family that would do anything for me. I have the most incredible friends that I know will support me through anything I deal with in life. I have two jobs that I enjoy doing and in this recession I feel ever so blessed to even have a secure income at all. I have the world's most wonderful dog. Rox will always be my baby and never ceases to make me smile, no matter how crappy I'm feeling. Being a girl, I complain about never having anything to wear, but as I think about it, I have multiple closets and am so fortunate to not only own a coat to keep me warm, but to have numerous options to choose from when its subzero temperatures outside. I have a car that does much more than simply get me from point a to point b. More than anything, I have a belief in god- that even if all of things were stripped from my life, I could somehow find a way to be okay. And no amount of juicy couture could take that away!

two hundred thirteen

2008-12-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

At my job we must escort our darling students to and from their gates at the airport to ensure that they are flying where they say they're going on their homepasses. Due to the holidays I've had my fair share of gate waiting and airport cuisine. Tonight, as I'm waiting for the third arrival of my shift, I decided to treat my lazy self to some frozen yogurt. I remembered loving tcby as a child and was not disappointed in the least to find out that the only flavor they still had available was strawberry. So I pay my $5 dollars for my 4 ounces of red dye 40 frozen yogurt and hurry to my gate to enjoy it before the flight gets in. I take my first highly anticipated bite and something immediately tastes off. Suddenly it hits me like a semi- this tastes EXACTLY like strawberry boost!!! The same sickeningly cheerful color, the same syrupy sweet flavor that you can't quite swallow down... I realize that by the time I sit down to enjoy my so called frozen yogurt, its no longer really frozen and is in fact becoming the same smooth, thick, cold liquid that was literally pumped down my throat at one time. And not gonna lie, it freaked me out. And not gonna lie, I can't stomach another OUNCE ("2 oz minimum" lame!) Of that nasty stuff. And not gonna lie, I threw that sucker away. Red mango anyone? I need some agua. Stat.

two hundred twelve

2008-12-18T08:36:00.002-07:00

Its the happy girl,
She's the little ray of sunshine.
But there's been a mistake
And the light's leaking from her eyes.
She's getting lost in her head
And its dark in there
Thrown between vicious riptides of
Whirling strands of thought.
Disoriented and nauseous,
She's getting tangled in there
But every attempt of extrication
Seems to further tie her down.
Its that web like a spider's web,
The kind that's made of silver light trapped shadows,
But spun by regret and shame and doubt.
And though by the moonlight it spreads
Capturing any opportunity that nightfall provides,
In the day its getting harder
To fight her way out.

two hundred eleven

2008-12-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Loni has been the latest to comment on my lack of blogging and it is not for lack of desire, but merely lack of time! I know, story of my life, right?! Well here, for the few yearning minds, is the most recent happenings which fill my days:

-i moved into my parentals new place. I'm sharing a room for the first time in my life and I love it! Its like shlee and I get to have a slumber party every night! :) we decided to make one of the family rooms into our bedroom and its giant and we love it and we affectionately refer to it as 'the studio.' Super trendy, and fun, and freaking cute too!

-i thought roxy broke her leg last week and I was such a mess! She kept limping and would lie down so she didn't have to walk on it and it made me so sad! She has been improving and ended up just having a bad sprain so that's a relief. She's still cute as ever and snugging with her is still my favorite thing in the whole entire world!

-i'm still working at university and its a good time. My coworkers are hilarious! Oh update! I have started wearing blue scrubs... Yes, caution status blue. They're free from the hospital and everyone wears them so I might as well blend in. They will never be my favorite though!

-i'm also still working at the treatment center and wow things have been crazy. Going out to dinner on saturdays, rec night outings on tuesdays, and emotional breakdowns galore. More documentation than ever imaginable, late night jam sessions, and the strangest boundaries ever conceived. Never a dull moment!

-i'm thrilled the snow has held off...until this morning! But naturally i'm hoping for a white christmas so I guess I have to be okay with the snow coming sometime!

In conclusion, i've had a bunch of ups, a few downs as well, and a whole lot of sleep deprivation, but all in all I have incredible family, friends, and opportunities, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I hope you're all having a fabulous holiday season and know that if you ever need someone to go christmas shopping with- i'm your girl!

Loves to you all.
Xoxo

two hundred ten

2008-12-03T15:45:00.002-07:00

shawnee
tagged me, so here we go:

Rules:
1. Post rules on your blog
2. Answer the six '8' items (i personally think it should be 8 "8" items, not 6.)
3. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving them a comment

8 Favorite TV Shows
1. gossip girl
2. one tree hill
3. alias
4. house
5. the simple life
6. code blue
7. america's next top model
8. anything on discovery health

8 Things I did yesterday
1. got off of a grave shift at university
2. took a shower
3. went to work at LEA
4. cooked corn
5. went bouncing at classic
6. drove a 12 passenger van
7. ran a drug test
8. went back to sleep!

8 things I look forward to
1. trimming the tree tonight
2. christmas shopping
3. playing with rox
4. christmas parties
5. movie nights and rio with shlee
6. getting my LEA raise
7. more christmas shopping!
8. eventually finishing school

8 Favorite Restaurants
1. cpk
2. cafe rio
3. takashi
4. tepanyaki
5. red mango (does that count?)
6. chilis
7. mimi's
8. cheesecake factory

8 Things on my wish list
1. true religion sweats
2. knitted fold over uggs
3. old fashioned flannel pjs!
4. a cute boy for the holidays :)
5. i don't know...
6. honestly, i have everything i want.
7. maybe that sounds bratty but im acknowledging the truth.
8. and im grateful for it so i think its okay to admit it!

8 People I Tag
1. whoever
2. feels
3. so
4. inclined
5. as
6. to
7. play
8. along.

two hundred nine

2008-11-25T07:19:00.003-07:00

I've been thinking about how a great percent of us live our lives according to and dictated by our fear of how our choices may or may not affect the course of our life. I think the majority of us will meet our destiny while on a road travelled in hopes of avoiding it. So many say they dream of living fearlessly, but I think the term "fearless" entails so, soo much.

Here's what I think of being fearless- to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots and lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your first day of high school. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think its fearless to stop believing them. Its fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what other people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...that's fearless too. But no matter what life throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because at the end of it all, it all comes down to love. Loving someone else, and most importantly, fearlessly loving yourself. Am I fearless yet? No. But I'm fearlessly on my way to becoming so.

xoxo
Lana

two hundred nine

2008-11-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about how a great percent of us live our lifes according to and dictated by our fear of how our choices may or may not affect the course of our life. I think the majority of us will meet our destiny while on a road travelled in hopes of avoiding it. So many say they dream of living fearlessly, but I think the term "fearless" entails so, soo much.

Here's what I think of being fearless- to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots and lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your first day of high school. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think its fearless to stop believing them. Its fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what other people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...that's fearless too. But no matter what life throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because at the end of it all, it all comes down to love. Loving someone else, and most importantly, fearlessly loving yourself. I'm I fearless yet? No. But I'm fearlessly on my way to becoming so.

xoxo
Lana

two hundred eight

2008-11-13T18:28:00.003-07:00

Crash.
Have you ever seen a collision up close?
In this world its unavoidable.
Lives slam together in this playground that inspires our best...
And fuels our worst.
But no matter how you try to resist it-
you just can't look away.

two hundred seven

2008-11-03T14:28:00.005-07:00

alisa called to specifically request that i update my blog.
and i've been tagged by the briester.
so here goes nothing:

the rules:
1. link to the person who tagged you.
2. mention the rules on your blog.
3. tell 6 unspectacular quirks about you.
4. tag 6 fellow bloggers and link to them.
5. leave a comment on the 6 bloggers you tagged letting them know they've been tagged.

quirk 1:
i don't drink tap water. it sicks me out. the exception to this is when i'm at a restaurant, but it has to have mucho ice so i can't taste the chlorination and such. but at home, i think i'd rather die of thirst than drink water from a sink faucet.

quirk 2:
i am fond of numbers that are multiples of three. especially even numbers which are multiples of three. let's just chalk it up to ocd and call it good, mmmkay?

quirk 3:
i have many opinions but often don't care to share them. i know what i believe and feel no need to prove their validity to anyone else. i'm not for heated debates. you have your opinions and i have mine. and i respect our differences.

quirk 4:
peppermint ice cream is one of my all time favs, but only if it's the pink kind. i'm sure the blue peppermint tastes just the same but i just don't like it.

quirk 5:
i love bad weather. storms, clouds, wind, all of the above. it makes for perfect weather to curl up in bed with hot chocolate and a good book. i devour good novels. once started, i won't stop reading till i finish the very.last.page.

quirk 6:
i'm known to answer my phone in the middle of the night or respond to a text and have no recollection of it the next morning. there's always an anxiety ridden moment as i check my outgoing texts/recent call list to find a correspondence i don't remember having. but my friends find it hilariously amusing so i guess i have that going for me!

i tag...
abigail rose
gidg
meeks
scooter
t
alisa rae
and anyone else who would like to participate!

xoxo

two hundred six

2008-10-07T09:21:00.003-06:00

you know life is going just swimmingly when...
you got 3 hours of sleep because you just did a 12 hour graveyard shift at the hospital putting together 50 IVs and their proper tubing but are totally in a good mood about it - the boy just cancelled tomorrow night's date but you're not devastated in the slightest - your parents are moving and their new house has a pool (!) - you smile every time you look at your adorable kate spade bag because of its pink and white polka dots - you feel perfectly in place wearing bubble gum pink scrubs while everyone else is in the trademark light blue (i can't wear those, it reminds me of being on caution so that color has forever been ruined for me!) - kate winslet and leo dicaprio are finally reuniting to do a gut wrenching oscar worthy drama and you feel no shame in admitting that you are dying to see it when it's released in december - you stop on the side of a random highway to take a rockin picture on a particularly cloud strewn day - you haven't seen your t in 3 weeks, have another 12 to go and are only slightly apprehensive - you have the absolute coolest mentee ever and love going on fun passes with her - you haven't practiced a certain negative coping mechanism in over 3 months - you often feel compelled to write something amazing on the guitar but find yourself laughing over the inspired nothingness that has been gleaned over the past hour of your life - you happily spend your morning in the windy pouring rain in order to catch the few fleeting moments of bliss across your brother's face as he scores the sole 2 goals at his high school lacrosse game before #1 ranked bingham slams the lofty skyline eagles out of the sky - that no matter the weather, it's a beautiful day and no amount of bad drivers on the freeway can change your mind!

two hundred five

2008-10-02T07:57:00.002-06:00

hey team,
i know, i've been a major slacker on the blog front. here's an update of what's going on in my life:

•i really did take the semester off from school and it feels fabulous!

•i am working at a residential treatment center for adolescent girls and i love it. the girls are awesome, my co-workers are fabulous, and after one short month i'm already getting a promotion! yeah! :) sometimes its kind of weird to think that i'm a care tech but guess what, i love it and i'm good at it so i think it's okay!

•i'm also working in same day surgery at university hospital. it's long hours and lots of running back and forth but i'm having a blast! i love wearing my cute scrubs and working in the hospital. i've wanted to do that for so long.

•since i'm no longer a full time student i no longer get the benefits of my parental's medical insurance and that kind of stresses me out so send healthy vibes my way! gracias gracias.

•having more time to play with rockstar has been the biggest perk of my little break. we love going running, out on hikes, to the dog park, and snuggling in bed. she's still s a s s y as ever and i loves it!

•my eyes are almost healed but still a bit cloudy from the scar tissue. my corneal specialist thinks the scarring is too deep for lasik, they'd have to take out too much healthy tissue to clear out all of the scarring, but i still have another 6-9 months to wait before i can have the official evaluation for it. hopefully things will continue to slowly improve...

•i'm currently obsessed with red mango. it is the most deliciously delectable frozen yogurt EVER. add fresh mango and i am in heaven! anytime, anywhere- i'm there! for realsies, i go at least 3-4 times a week.

•yesterday alisa found out that she's having a boy and i'm so excited for her! 3 little fox boys, what could possibly be cuter than that?!

•i'm craving a little yorkie and already have the perfect name for her. coco chanel! and i'd get her a chanel collar! uber cute! rox may be a little jealous at first but she get over it. love, peace, and chanel baby! :)

•i'm freezing. already. and it's barely october. bad news bears!

•but on the majority of my days i can honestly say that i'm happy. and that's the best part of my entire little story. the end!

two hundred four

2008-09-14T14:27:00.001-06:00

this has got to be one of the funniest things i have ever seen! the guy trying to do the splits cracks me up everytime! if anyone wants to organize a game... i'm down!!!

two hundred ninety one

2008-09-10T23:11:00.002-06:00

-there is something uncontrollably weird about the moment you find out your ex has found someone else and is engaged to marry them. you're happy for them but it's still just kinda weird!
-there is something hilarious about watching your dog chase it's own tail. it doesn't matter how many times i've seen it before, it's still just as funny!
-there is something about working out so hard that you're shakey all over and it hurts to breathe. it's one of my favorite feelings in the world.
-there is something instantly satisfying about having lunch with a friend and talking for hours about absolutely nothing at all.
-there is something frustrating about the object of your infatuation losing it's grip on you. as much as you're ready to move on, sometimes you wish the facination would never end.
-there is something effortlessly delightful about playing with a puppy. i dont mind getting up in the morning as long as i wake up with rox snuggled up with me.

-there is something about spring sunshine that makes my optimism come out of it's wintery shell.

and there is something about this moment in time that leaves me wanting nothing more than what i already have.

{who knows how long this contentment will last}

two hundred three

2008-09-08T21:01:00.003-06:00

darling 3 year old Austin was just diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia and is in for the fight of his life. he was just admitted to primary children's medical center last week and will need a lot of blood transfusions over the course of his treatment. we're meeting up at ARUP blood services (near the U) this saturday morning to donate in his name and would LOVE if you could come donate too! when ARUP runs short on blood donations they are forced to purchase needed blood from outside sources and the cost ends up being paid by the family. by donating blood it helps to ensure that his family can have blood available free of charge.

-bring a picture ID.
-it just takes 30 minutes.
-one donation can save up to 3 lives.
-we'll be there at 9am but stop in at any time!!!
-let me know if you need any more info!

two hundred two

2008-09-02T09:00:00.002-06:00

sometimes when things are not okay,

an elite group of people somehow manage to make it okay.

and i wonder,

i've always wondered,

where that strength comes from-

that dignity and grace

they put on in the face of everything that's happened in their lives.
because i really want to be that kind of person someday...

two hundred one

2008-08-31T00:11:00.006-06:00

"1. alana
The most amazing person in the world,
sometimes on back order,
everybody loves her and wishes to be her friend.
No guy can resist!
(ie: Darn my Alana isn't coming till thanksgiving.
Man i wish i was alana.
I love Alana!)"

no really! its true!
check it out for yourself,
and then go see what your name means!
:)

two hundred

2008-08-30T10:06:00.005-06:00

first, happy birthday to anna katharine kaelin!!!

we had a crazy night on saturday that resulted in a random birthday cake for her so we took pics! haha love her!

second, this is my two hundredth post! instead of posting two hundred things you'd never want to know about me, i'll just post the random ones that happen to come to mind:

-pear yogurt is my favorite. strange but deliciously true.
-i'd rather die than have to wear a sleeveless polo shirt.
-i find something inherently trashy about posing for a picture with an alcoholic beverage in hand. i don't care if it's a glass of dom or a straight up bud lite, just don't do it.
-same goes for attaching things to your car windshield/dashboard. it declass-ifys your mercedes to the status of a ford.
-i like crunchy fruit- apples, pears, etc... the crunchier the better.
-you'll never catch me wearing an anklet or more than 2 rings on one hand. i'd feel too much like a gypsy.
-i secretly like katie perry's "i kissed a girl" song. i hate the message of trendy bisexualism but love the hook of the chorus and the lyrics are catchy.
-although i know the masses flock to MAC with unwavering devotion, i am willing to stand alone in saying that Chanel cosmetics is where it's at.
-ginger ale is my favorite soda.
-i've never attended a college football game.
-even as a dancer, the rhythm of playing the drums on rockband somehow elude me every time. i'm horrible! my brothers find it hilarious.
-i love maple and brown sugar malt-o-meal. it's kind of like cream of wheat but so much better.
-my grandfather used to make me eat salted grits for breakfast as he told stories of eating them in the war.
-i'm finally reading the 6th and 7th harry potter books. please don't spoil my belated suspense by ruining anything about future story events!
-i'm allergic to ibuprofen. and bees. and gold.
-i'm precisely 11 months younger than my best friend. today she turned 22. the last 30 days are my favorite of the entire year because it means we're the same age.
-i am an avid glasses wearer until my eyes are cleared for contacts again. and i hate it. but at least they're kate spade. and they came in a bright pink case.

hope you're having a good weekend!

loves to you all.

xoxo

one hundred ninety nine

2008-08-28T12:59:00.002-06:00

lana's 20 Qs:
1. What do you want right this minute? perfect eyesight
2. If you were a boxer, what would your ring name be? magenta electra
3. Would you rather be perfect from the waist up or the waist down? dude. both.
4. Would you rather meet Oprah or Ellen? i heart oprah, but i think ellen is way more personable, so ellen, i choose you!
5. Have you ever had Gonorrhea? negatory on that one. nast.
6. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like? as long as they are low rise hanky panky thongs, they will due just splendidly. but my current fav is a pair of teal ones. super cutie.
7. What’s one thing you’re afraid of? the dark. how ridiculous, i know. but i am super paranoid ever since ryan mcqueery decided to stop in! this needs to end. pronto.
8. If you could be reincarnated as someone/something, what would you pick? i'd love to be reincarnated as the 9 foot tall chinese man. i can't even imagine what life would be like at that height. but the next day i'd jump off a bridge so then i could be reincarnated again. i'd love to spend a day as something different until i tried them all and decided what i liked best.
9. Who is your least favorite actor? kirsten dunst drives me crazy. can't stand her.
10. Do you ever have recurring dreams? i rarely dream at all. sad but true.
12. Do you like reality TV? yuppers, but not as much as GG and OTH! monday night baby! yeah!
13. Are you happy right now? i'm actually pretty content. i'm sure i've been better but i've definitely been worse so i can't complain! :)
14. Would you rather have a salad or a burger? gardenburger por favor
15. What would you do if you were locked in a room with your worst enemy for 3 days? try to sleep the 3 days away and pretend the person wasn't there.
16. Were you popular in high school? i've yet to meet a person that would actually respond yes to this question, and yet 99.9% of parents would immediately say their child was one of the most popular kids in school. funny huh?
17. What did you want to be when you were little, and did you follow that dream? i wanted to be a pop star. didn't quite work out...
18. What’s one of your favorite quotes? "the definiton of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
19. What is one of your weaknesses? spending money. often impulsively. heck, sometimes compulsively! i'm a spender and i know it. and i love it. they've always said to turn weaknesses into strengths, so i buy really nice clothes! ;)
20. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full? i think i'm pretty optimistic, but i agree with brie, if it's half full of boost, then it's way too full for anyone's good! haha

i feel like i should have post this on a myspace bulletin instead. it doesn't seem like a blog kind of thing... whatevvvvs... ciao.

one hundred ninety eight

2008-08-24T18:30:00.004-06:00

i've been pretty cooped up with my lame-o eye ulcer and al yuen knew that. so this morning he decides to surprise me with a daddy daughter brunch date. they're my fav. he calls at 10 and i'm awake but still in bed. he says to hurry and get dressed because he's on his way to pick me up. i'm groggy but thrilled as i trade my pink polka dot booty shorts for black juicy warm ups and throw a peach bebe deep-v tee over my tank top. havianas are barely slipped onto my feet as i run out the door- hair in a pony tail, not a lick of makeup, but sporting my favorite sassy shades. i ask where we're going and he says its a surprise... imagine my supremely underdressed horror as we pull into La Caille of all places. it was not my finest moment as the gg-esque socialite i am known to be. dress for the occasion. fashion forward, but situationally appropriate. this my friends was an utter wardrobe disaster. granted, i felt a little better as i passed the man in khaki shorts and a RL Blue line piqued polo, but as i sat on the 22 acre grounds of a magnificently decadent french chateau surrounded by sauntering peacocks and ponds poised with giant white swans, i couldn't help but feel that my 3 course (more-than-i-spend-on-a-pair-of-rock-&-republic-denim breakfast) would have been more thoroughly enjoyed had i been in my element: sipping my mimosa in a white eyelet sundress with a sweet-as-candy, killer pair of manolos or christian louboutins. this my dear, requires adaquate planning and preparation. but somehow the fact that it was a complete and total surprise made it the most charming and delightful brunch to date. it was delish, from the amuse bouche, carmel walnut croissants, and creme brulee baked petite pain a la francaise, to the swan profiterole for dessert. well done daddy, well done indeed.

one hundred ninety seven

2008-08-22T11:28:00.003-06:00

i heart gossip girl. its true.

season 1 just came out on dvd.

loves it!

tantalizing and altogether terrific.

described as "eye candy, mind candy, and as pretty as a perfectly prepared martini."

could anything be more perfectly suited for me?

you know you love it.

xoxo

one hundred ninety six

2008-08-17T10:53:00.004-06:00

i tried to remember this quote as people were sharing their favorite quotes and i totally butchered it. so here's the real deal:

i loves it. but the trick comes in learning to believe it...

one hundred ninety five

2008-08-16T12:29:00.006-06:00

what the (insert your favorite word here) is going on?!

i have an awesome life- for the most part. but some things just bug and i need to vent because i promised my therapist i'd journal before i did anything destructive. why journal here and not on my private blog? because i just went to a freaking treatment reunion last night and feel bad about not being honest when i'm struggling with things. dang it! so here's what's on my mind:

rant #1: my anxiety is out of control.
you would think it would be better now that i'm out of school and have made the decision not to go back at all next semester but it's not. i am a freaking basket case and feel like i'm going insane. i almost didn't go to clinicals one morning because i was to anxious to walk from the chair i'd fallen asleep in to my car because i'd have to go through the garage out to my car in the driveway and it was still dark out. yesterday at the ED conference shindig i was so anxious about getting up from my seat to go to the bathroom that i almost wet my pants. for reals. who cares if you get up to go to the bathroom?! apparently in that moment i cared immensely.

rant #2: i am lacking a treatment team.
my dietitian no longer works at cfc, which is fine since i haven't seen her for over a year anyway, but there's a sense of security in knowing she was there if i ever needed help and now that security is gone. i haven't seen a psychiatrist in my life except for dr. ellis at cfc because i'm totally opposed to them (not for other people, just for myself) and their pill subscribing happiness. i didn't really need one because during the time that i accepted the fact that i may be in need of a little medication i was able to get them through my pcp. her office screwed me over and so now i don't have a doctor either. so i finally set my pride aside and got a referral for a psychiatrist and don't you worry they can "squeeze me in" near the end of october. thanks folks, super helpful.

rant #3: i am blind.
not truly blind but i fear i am getting there. my eyes have been getting red and irritated with my contacts and it was about time for a new prescription so i didn't think it was weird that things were all blurry or that my eyes were starting to water frequently. maybe i had allergies? what was weird was that i found myself unable to be in bright light- especially outside in the sunlight without dark sunglasses on. my eyes were too sensitive. i know that i'm chinese and squinty already, but this was like super squinting and even then i couldn't see! bad news. so i go in to my opthamologist after having to pull off on the side of the freeway while driving up a canyon because i couldn't even see to drive and am told i have not one but two nifty ulcers in my right eye and maybe some forming on my left eye. wtf?! i didn't realize eyes could even get ulcers! congratulations fount of knowledge, indeed they can. the scary part is that even after you get them to heal, they will leave permanent scars on your cornea. i'm trying to be chill but i'm not gonna lie, it totally scares me. i really don't want to go blind at 21. so my eyes are red, i'm walking around my house with the lights off and blinds closed, and i still have sunglasses on. bummer. the worst was being at cfc yesterday and having to explain it to everyone who assumed i either had pinkeye (gross, i've never had it, but gross), was crying all day long (probably because recovery is such an emotional endeavor to be talking about), or was straight up stoned (thank you nicole hawkins). obviously i can't wear contacts and i can't drive because i can't put my sunglasses over my regular glasses and so i'm essentially homebound with the eyesight of a mole. fantastic.

rant #4: my mother is insanely triggering to me.
most people have triggers like a pair of pants fitting snuggly (and dude that sucks!), or celebrity photos in magazines or movies. although none of those made me feel like parading in downtown SLC wearing a string bikini, i have discovered that nothing makes me more emotionally volatile than my mom. that sucks because i love her and i love being with my sibs, but the more i'm around her, the more unbalanced and detrimental my life becomes. we got in a big fight last night and she took the key to her house off of my key ring, and told me to never come back. who says that to their child?! i'll be honest, i was thinking of employing some pretty negative coping mechanisms and it made me so mad because i had just come from cfc where i felt so grounded and content. it blows my mind how she can affect me so quickly and intensely. i didn't feel like fighting with the thoughts in my head so i just went to bed. sometimes that is my saving grace. just going to sleep so things can't bother me anymore. so with my dad working all the time, my room mate being gone till next week, and no longer being welcome at my parent's house (according to sherla) (nor do i have a key to it), i feel totally lonely! at the same time all i want to do is isolate. no bueno, but i know that this is a situation only i can get myself out of so we'll see how the day progresses...

rant #5: i took the semester off to relax and i'm already overbooked.
i got a job at a treatment center for adolescent girls and i'm stoked. i don't know if i ever really thought i'd be in a healthy enough place to work as a tech, but i strived for it and all of a sudden here i am. i submitted applications all over because i didn't want to depend on just one job and then not get hired. so then i get a call from the U hospital offering me a position in their same day surgery unit. i told them about my other job offer and they said they would give me hours that wouldn't conflict so i said yes. this is wonderful news because i am insanely in debt and would really like to be able to keep my car (not that anyone can really afford to be driving around with gas prices as high as they are) and i need all of the hours i can get so i don't need to feel so stressed about money. i'm trying so hard to be an adult and not have my dad pay for things. i appreciate his help but i've gotten myself into this mess and it's my responsibility to get out of it. so i may be working insane hours, graveyard shifts at the hospital, etc... but hopefully it will put me in a better place by the time i go back to school in the spring.

rant #6: recovery's still hard sometimes.
i left treatment a long time ago and at this point i have a hard time being patient with results. i feel like i've totally put in the work and seen some results but i want it all to just go away for good. sitting in that conference yesterday i was thinking about my recovery and what pieces of my eating disorder i still secretly hold on to. i don't want to be holding on to any of it. i thought of a few that had perhaps been in the back of my mind, and maybe i just wasn't ready to admit them yet, but now i'm looking forward to bringing them up in therapy and working on them and getting rid of them. it was so great to see everyone at the reunion. there were a lot of people i didn't know, but enough that i did know and it felt good to know that we all share in a common struggle and can support each other through it. i have come so far from where i was when i went into treatment and i'm proud of myself, but sometimes i still worry that it isn't far enough. i feel like i need to verbalize everything i feel about recovery because if i step back for even a second i will go right back to my ED. it terrifies me. some days i feel so content in where i am in recovery, but there are still those days that i want nothing more than to go back to it. why? why do i get so far and then have the urge to sabotage it all? i felt so motivated and inspired while surrounded by so many courageous women. i felt so powerful- that together we truly could do anything. so why is it almost 2pm the day after, in a house all alone, and all i want to do is starve?

hey melissa- was this honest enough for you?

one hundred ninety four

2008-08-10T14:01:00.006-06:00

summer 2008's been great!

even though the majority of my waking hours were spent logging countless hours in buildings on campus- lectures, labs, and review sessions galore- i still had some great times this summer. i love summer! but for reals, i will never do a summer semester again. there's too much to do during summer break and not enough time to do it all!

here are some of the highlights: i stuffed 8 pieces of week old pizza down the disposal and apparently that's no bueno. it definitely broke the disposal. i made jen try plunge it at 2 in the morning and had to hurry to snap this picture before she stopped plunging. various profanities ensued after she realized i was able to capture this, albeit blurry, picture. hil.ar.i.ous!

i built myself a dresser! thank you ikea for being a royal pain in product availability. but i love it so that's okay. i'm uber proud of myself!

i've been able to see anna lots this summer and it's been delightful! we've had so much fun going to dinner, having movie nights, going on double dates, etc... she's the best other half i could ever hope to have! please notice jake's grinch face in the background.

we hung out lots with tyler and jake. backyard bbqs, mini golf, projector movies under the stars, and much discussion of nielson's frozen custard. delish!

we went to the secondhand serenade concert and it was freezing. good, but freezing. jake insisted that a super bright star was a satellite but had to concede after it stayed in the same place for the entire night, that it could not be a satellite. we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and just say his satellite/star mistake was due to the fact that it was his first night in new glasses and his eyes were still getting used to the change in visual perception. whatevs! haha

happiness is a coke slurpee with a pink straw. i lived on these.

i hit up lake powell in july and got in some sweet jumps on the wakeboard. it was the highlight of the summer. i look forward to this one week all year long. it's so beautiful down there! it blows my mind!

i was rockin it on "kays rays." i sent this pic to patrick who was stuck in biochem. a few weeks later he went to powell without me. lame!

shlee and i hit the pool and had backyard swim parties so that oakley and rox wouldn't feel left out of our sunbathing rituals! if sunbathing was a offered at the u, i would major in it! for reals.

on july 30, i turned 21. crazy. i dont feel any different, just a little more legit. haha

anna took me to chilis for lunch on my birthday. and made the servers sing to me. and got it on video. and i was embarrassed and have to check everyday to see that she is not following through with her threat to post it on facebook.

we hit lagoon last week and riding the rides together made me think of her senior trip to orlando. good times. "merry christmas, welcome to florida!" haha i just love this girl!

i was set up with my DDF meke's cousin kasey for their family tradition of cousin date night last week saturday. it was a blast. i was uber proud of our aladdin puzzle. what can i say? we're pro. last night we met up with some of his buddies and their dates to play sand volleyball, have a fire in his backyard and make smores. classic. the best part- he is a country music fan. enough said! :)

sunshine and summertime.

what more could i ask for?!

one hundred ninety three

2008-08-09T14:33:00.002-06:00

gidg sent me a text asking for my favorite memory of us, to just send her the first one that came to mind. my response had to do with a certain naked person hanging out on her bed and then i sent the memory text out to some of my friends. the responses were hilarious and totally made my day! i had forgotten about so many things!

here's the responses, maybe you were there for some of them and it can prompt some laughter in your life:
-alisa: "wow- nose piercing, new years, what if!"
-ali: "merry christmas, welcome to florida!!!" :)
-britta: "u bringing pink hangers 2 the center. i remember u standing there all confident about ur pink stuff! B"
-brie: "what if questions!"
-jen: "don't take my glasses, i can't see without my glasses!" "who's that crazy girl?!"
-katie: "connect 4"
-katherine: "getting my ear pierced and you taking all those damn pictures! scratch that. i think it was walking bridal veil falls with trace and jen. or one of our trips to red robin. or superbowl sunday."
-rachel: "when we got lost in the ghetto in california. and mike disney."
-savannah: "when i said you didn't have to pretend that everything was okay and that you could talk to me anytime. it was somewhere along those lines."
-hiccup: "my favorite memory is when we had that awesome long talk that night up at brighton."
-jessie: "us coming up with our own dances on the side :)"
-trina: "no one can top almost capsizing- soaking you and your scriptures and your ipod and going to church in a see through white skirt. that was great!"
-spencer: "the time we went to the dance together and everybody was getting drunk except for us. good times..."
-marie: "ruined ipod and wet dresses. :-D"

i think it's so funny to think of these memories as the first ones to pop into someone's head! tell me, what's the first thing that pops into your head when you think of us?!