twenty four

a few things i'm thinking about today...
-i abhor history and am praying for something about it to interest me so i don't fail the class
-my mental health psych class is exactly what i thought it would be and i love it
-if i dislike writing almost as much as i don't like math, and i hate math almost as much as i abhor history, why the heck did i decide to take them all in the same semester?
-but on the plus side, my writing professor flirts with me so it may help get me a better grade if i flirt back a tiny bit, and today i realized that there's totally potential with a cutie in my math class, so really my only issue is with having history at 7:30 in the morning three times a week...once again, what was i thinking?!
-in other news, a friend and i have decided to dissolve our friendship and i'm not really sure if its because of her having a hard time not being in the caretaking role, or if its because i no longer go to church...maybe its both. anyway, i hope its the former because i think the latter is a ridiculous reason not to be friends with someone. whatevs.
-i got a call from the woman doing the documentary i'm in and i'm not even sure if i want to do it anymore. i would feel bad backing out at this point though cuz i've already comitted to it and she's super excited. we'll see what happens i guess...
-and finally, i don't know what it is about this blog that is such a release for me, but its fantastic. i try to pretend that no one reads it (even though my profile view log shows otherwise), cuz then i can say what i'm thinking without feeling the need to change my tone depending on my anticipated audience. i can't even do this in therapy, so i'm not sure why i'm still even going.

so if you're reading, welcome. and if you're not, that's okay cuz as selfish as it sounds, i'm not writing it for you. it's for me.

judge if you will.
its your call.

twenty three

i love those times when you're just going about everyday life and suddenly a sensory memory jolts you back to a time in the past. all week i was walking to class and would suddenly think of brighton. i couldn't figure out why and just attributed it to the sunshine, but then concluded that i felt all nostalgic every time i passed by this corner of campus that was landscaped with pine trees and fresh bark chips on the ground. its now my favorite place to walk through. retarded, i know! oh well. i hope i never forget the mingled scent of pine, bark, and crisp clean air mixed with the occasional thunder storm. it gives me goosebumps, but the good kind. and i love that feeling!

twenty two

today was my first.
my first in 713 days.
the moment felt like forever,
but all i could handle was one breath at a time
a little fresh air and an ativan later
i calmed down.
a rush, a blur
then back to autopilot
its done and i remember that i'm okay
i've done it before
i'll do it again
at the end of the day i realize
you are who you are
and its probably who you've always been.

-can-we-ever-really-change-who-we-are?-

twenty one

I never promised you a ray of light

I never promised there’d be sunshine everyday

I give you everything I have

The good the bad

Why do you put me on a pedestal?

I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below

So help me down, you've got it wrong I don’t belong there

One thing is clear

I wear a halo

I wear a halo when you look at me

But standing from here

You wouldn’t say so

You wouldn’t say so if you were me

I always said that I would make mistakes

I’m only human and that’s my saving grace

I fall as hard as I try

So don’t be blinded

See me as I really am

I have flaws

Sometimes I even sin

So pull me from my pedestal,

I don’t belong there

One thing is clear

I wear a halo,

I wear a halo when you look at me

But standing from here

You wouldn’t say so,

You wouldn’t say so if you were me

Oh I, I don't want to let you down.

twenty

i ignore the advice...

i complain that every time i hop on i recieve the same reading...

and i really do want to...

so why do i keep going back?

apparently i'm not quite as smart as people think i am.

nineteen

why.do.people.have.to.change?

eighteen

sad.but.true

i can't help but question

why?