thirty eight

right now i'm feeling kinda stuck.
kinda not wanting to work at getting back up, but not at a rock bottom.
things are steadily rocky. a total oxymoron huh? but it applies to my life 100%. i went to group tonight and heard "someone" give her recovery story. i'm not sure why i even drove down. it made me feel worse, not better. thats kinda been the trend with IOP groups lately...

so right now i'm feeling, ...or not feeling. funny how that works. i can't quite figure it out anymore. not all the time, like before, just sometimes. this is one of those times. people have told me that no matter what's going on, i will get through it. i keep reiterating that to myself but i still feel like i'm slipping back into the black every so often. i wish i could absorb incongruence until it was truth.

since i obviously can't verbalize things effectively anymore(probably cuz i can't even figure out what i'm trying to say) and am so busy that i can't journal, or even remember the last time i felt something deeply enough to cry over it, maybe songs can help me figure things out...

so here's my snippet for the night- coming from taylor swift:

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

kinda cliche, but something about it jumps out to me. i'm not sure what. maybe the coming undone part! anyway, i gotta pull myself together for my classes tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to actually get it all done tonight!

ciao.

the real thirty seven

so i'm kind of spacey sometimes and just noticed that i skipped thirty five, so this is the real thirty seven! here's some things i've been thinking....

*sale is a four letter word that gets me into trouble, but most of the time i'm okay with that!
*whoever thought up Mobile2Mobile minutes was a genius
*whoever thought up unlimited text and picture messages was even smarter
*most of the time i'm big on recycling and going green
*but all of the time i'm big on organic
*walking around without shoes when you know there's broken glass around isn't the smartest thing to do
*it's a bit awkward to run into your old dietitian when she's out with a bunch of patients'; it's awkward to run into them anywhere!
*the situation gets even worse when she honks and waves at you when she doesn't really like you in the first place and you know the other girls are going to end up talking about you cuz that's just what inpatients do when they see someone they don't know
*i have never fallen asleep in a class, but its becoming a habit and i hate it!
*i just wish there were more hours in the day to get everything done!
*i found a house in holladay, am moving out in august and am so excited!!!
*someone needs to discover the gene for strong fingernails so i can switch mine out with someone! i hate how my nails break so easily!
*i think the new michael moore movie looks so interesting so i'm debating going to see it
*i totally picked up some black dress capri's from nordstrom for like $15 bucks when i thought they were marked down to $38. i love surprises like that!
*i also got a shirt that is all wrinkled. i usually avoid those cuz i think it looks like someone just picked up a t-shirt from their bedroom floor and threw it on before walking out of the house, but this one was super cute. now i'm just worried that once i wash it the wrinkles will all come out!
*i'm pretty disappointed with the new kelly clarkson cd
*i'm also disappointed that she made it seem really easy for people to just snap out of an eating disorder. i'm glad it worked that way for her, but by making general statements about "quitting cold turkey" to the media it kinda discounts the struggle that so many people have with recovery. maybe i don't know what i'm talking about, but maybe i do...
*i am SO stoked for the new rascal flatts cd to come out september 25! loves them!
*the fact that steve comes home the day after that is even more exciting!
*my family is taking a vacation together in october and i think its going to be a disaster
*my mom is now all trendy with her hair and clothes and has started borrowing my pants and t-shirts when i'm not around. it pretty much freaks me out.
*i don't think i can procrastinate my history homework anymore and still get it done, so i guess i'll call it done for the night.
*but before i go, the victoria's secret semi-annual sale is going on and is amazing this year so everyone reading this should check it out, and if you don't have anyone to go with i will happily accompany you! happy shopping!

thirty seven

this cd is awesome, capital a! i loves it!!!

thirty six

today was a blast. the new ride at lagoon was wicked fun, excuse the pun! the boy loves country, sang to me in the car, and we even went to red robin for dinner! AMAZING! and to chill and play some phase 10 at the end of a day of standing in line in the sun was a perfect way to end the night. thanks josh!

thirty four

random and i love it!

1-my sisters are crazy and i wouldn't have them any other way

2-there's a little scooter called a plasmacar and its loads and loads of fun!

3-alexander went to his first movie and was so excited, of course it was about surfing!

4-jaxon has now takes great pleasure in wrestling his dogs as they squirm and try to run away. he thinks its hilarious and squeals as he chases after them!

5-jax also decided to pick me a flower from my backyard, and was sweet enough to give it a test smell before handing it to me! i just love these cute boys!

thirty three

I believe in the whole "Happily Ever After" deal.

Good things happen to people who give themselves good things

I'm extremely intuitive when it comes to the right things.

You may not be as unpredictable as you say you are.

i love love acoustic

cute boys make me happy =)

i never live in contentment.

I never know when to use my heart or my brain

My life is fast-pace & upbeat.

I laugh at my own jokes...a little too much

I see the good in people most of the time.

i'm temporarily reserved till saturday

i like impractical people

i like concerts

i'm known to be impatient..

"surrender the lies that bind you to the God that frees you"

i'm optimistic-open to new people & experiences

I get nervous easily

i don't like mountain dew or dr. pepper

I don't like concrete traditional gender roles

i love love love watching the Olympics

i like to pamper myself

but as much as i try to deny it...a little high maintenance.

i'm searching

i wouldn't know what it's like to pay bills & get your heart broken,

although the former will be a reality in just 43 days and the latter i hope never comes.

i exude profashionalism

a clean-cut girl who likes rugged not-so-pretty boys

sometimes i fake it

i have set my level of "standard" but i find it difficult to live above it

you can't find what you're looking for..one day, you'll just encounter it

Rising Sign Sagittarius Moon Sign Capricorn Sun Sign Leo

Hawai'i is my state

i don't make mistakes..i just date them

if you're not happy with something, fix it or leave it and don't complain..kapeesh?!

ciao.

thirty two

.in.the.last.little.bit.
-the tim and faith concert was AMAZING yet again! thanks to the daddy-o for the free tix!
-i'm deciding between a jeep liberty, lexus rx300, or vw bug and think they'd all be fun
-in order to get my money back from the lake powell trip i didn't even make it to, i am now being blackmailed to go to dinner on a date saturday night and i think that's so lame
-this weekend i get to go to a "boston tea party" for my friend who's leaving for her mission in boston and i'm stoked
-i went to bad super early so i could wake up and finish studying for this morning's history midterm, but instead spent half of the night in the ER a room away from a man whose toe was bleeding so much it looked like he'd cut his whole foot off and across the hall from a crying girl whose mother would stop into other people's rooms cuz she was curious what everyone was there for! it was hilarious!
-the good news is i showed up to class just in time to take my test and even if i don't score too well, at least i'm done having to worry about it!

have a good day!