forty four

time slips, i slip.
tomorrow's a new day...
but its all the same.
the dice are cast,
the pattern set,
still waiting on that winning bet.
life goes on, so do i.
i swim and swim,
yet where's the top?
i'm sinking low,
my life's a mess,
why am i sick in my perfectness?
so few know through pretty eyes,
a smile, a shrug,
see through my lies?
they're all fooled,
and so am i,
i wink at myself with my own eye.

i'm tired and ready to quit the game i've set up for myself, but i can't. i'm not a quitter. i don't do failure. i can't because i don't know how to stop it without everything crashing down. again. i'm sick of picking up the pieces. and she's just waiting to say "i told you so."

forty three

today i had therapy and was so honest it blew my mind. i said exactly what i've been thinking, exactly what i'm feeling(or not feeling), and was honest about exactly what i'm doing right now. i thought she'd be ticked and threaten to kick me out of therapy, but she didn't. aside from our usual sarcasm and banter, it was real. completely in the moment. and the words coming out of my mouth were somehow coming from the me that's buried deep behind the superficial appearance. as cool as it would be to say it was some "breakthrough session, full of emotion and tears, and that my facade finally cracked and i was suddenly congruent again," it wasn't. but whatever it was, it felt good. now i just have to figure out WHY it still feels like the right thing for me to keep doing what i'm doing...

aWORKinPROGRESS.

forty two

math equation.
lb-kg
by dividing 2.2
and in-cm
by dividing .39

kg x 9.6
+ (cm x 1.85)
- (age x 4.68)

x 1.3-1.7=
bam.

apparently a magic number is 1423.3
but 21.97 feels like 3.97 too much.

the.sun.will.come.out.tomorrow

forty one

[today]
i'm over your lies
and i'm over your games
i'm over you asking me
when you know i'm not okay.

high fructose corn syrup is in everything.
people should recycle more.
i finally opened a nordstrom account
and have successfully charged over $500 in 3 days.
but i love it.
just in time for anniversary!
bob's brainfreeze is a god send.
i miss hailey.
melissa switched me so i can have sunday off.
still working on the power of positive thinking.
never enough time to watch simple life.
i hate lying, especially when i'm the one doing it.
by the look of my car i am the mother of two toddlers
and on the outside i'm waterspotted.
the new rascal flatts song is awesome!
steve comes home in 81 days.
i should really figure some things out.
maybe i'll go down to corona del mar next weekend.

[peace]

forty

last night alex got his first shot- of whipped cream in the face!
the girls had a blast
i had a panic attack
and the cops showed up
but that's apparently the sign of a successful party, right?
the fireworks were awesome and mom's cake rocked my world!
i can't wait till the 24th.
get ready t!

thirty nine

i just want to say happpy fourth of july! today is beautiful, i got to sleep in, play a bit with roxy, and then will work for a few hours before watching fireworks with josh. it'll be fun. i am so grateful for this amazing country and feel so blessed to live in a nation that allows us such freedom and security. proud to be an american is an understatement! have a great day!

thirty eight

right now i'm feeling kinda stuck.
kinda not wanting to work at getting back up, but not at a rock bottom.
things are steadily rocky. a total oxymoron huh? but it applies to my life 100%. i went to group tonight and heard "someone" give her recovery story. i'm not sure why i even drove down. it made me feel worse, not better. thats kinda been the trend with IOP groups lately...

so right now i'm feeling, ...or not feeling. funny how that works. i can't quite figure it out anymore. not all the time, like before, just sometimes. this is one of those times. people have told me that no matter what's going on, i will get through it. i keep reiterating that to myself but i still feel like i'm slipping back into the black every so often. i wish i could absorb incongruence until it was truth.

since i obviously can't verbalize things effectively anymore(probably cuz i can't even figure out what i'm trying to say) and am so busy that i can't journal, or even remember the last time i felt something deeply enough to cry over it, maybe songs can help me figure things out...

so here's my snippet for the night- coming from taylor swift:

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

kinda cliche, but something about it jumps out to me. i'm not sure what. maybe the coming undone part! anyway, i gotta pull myself together for my classes tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to actually get it all done tonight!

ciao.