two hundred eighty nine

At times I get caught up in existential anxiety and forget who I am. Sometimes it's just for a minute, but that minute is scary. And I need to remind myself that I know exactly who I am.

My name is Alana. I am 23. I have a good heart. I have hope for true change in the world. I have an obsession with dark wash denim. Sunshine on my skin is rejuvenating to my soul. Snugging is my all time favorite past time. I sleep on a thousand pillows and feel safe when I'm haphazardly buried between them. I know my family will love me no matter what. I know I am a daughter of God. I adore dressing according to the season (and accessorizing too). Watching torrential thunderstorms makes me feel calm inside. If I could do one thing for the rest of my life it would be wakeboarding. I try to do one scary thing every single day. I'm an adrenaline junkie with crippling anxiety. I'm learning to accept my limits one day at a time. I am grateful to have discovered that every day is a fresh start into the unknown and that its entirely up to me to decide what I'll do with that precious time.

At times this may be all I know. But in those moments I can also know that this is enough...

two hundred eighty eight

Love is louder than hate.
Love is louder than pain.
Love is louder than fear.

I love to love the things love is capable of doing.

one hundred eighty seven

I know I get frustrated, discouraged and experience a multitude of other emotions when it comes to recovery. Sometimes I feel left out that I can't dabble in societal Ed the way most people in the world can. I get jealous of how others can go to the gym every day without getting so caught up in it that they suddenly find that their entire week has been spent on a treadmill. I feel excluded from the girl talk of diet sensations and I get pissed off that my roomie can just leave a scale in the middle of the bathroom floor without getting to a place where the number it flashes becomes your next fix.

But at the end of the day I keep doing what I'm doing because I know its right for me. I know that most people live in a distorted society because they don't know any better and that I'm fortunate to be aware that I don't need to be confined to those unrealistic standards of perfection. I know that hours logged at the gym does not correlate with the success of my day as a decent human being. I can have conversations with friends about real things that actually build relationships instead of talking about petty diets that are ultimately in place to make everyone feel guilty enough about their flaws to set new starvation resolutions until they all meet again. I know that it doesn't matter what the scale says, I will always HATE it, and that I don't need to torture myself by always seeking its approval. Sometimes I have ice cream for breakfast while still in bed because it is a simple pleasure in life. And sometimes I have a snack just because I can- because it is okay to be a little reckless and not overthink everything and remember that there are more things to life than having an eating disorder.

one hundred eighty six

There's a certain kind of person I choose not to associate with.

Sure, I'm cordial,

but not much beyond polite.

Do I feel bad?

Absolutely not.

And I'm still a good person.
Peace out.

two hundred eighty fve

I am a predictable mass of contradictions.

I'm the quiet nerd with a secret life as an outspoken, witty human being.

I walk through school, clumsily graceful, with eye avoiding self-confidence.

I whisper flambouyant greetings to friends I have never met.

I wear flip-flops, a skirt, and an old faded t-shirt.

I drive around with the music up and the sunroof open on the rainiest of days.

I am a pristine mess,

a mismatched fashion plate with hot pink fuzzy socks.

I am an intelligent idiot,

a procrastinating perfectionist,

a musician who dreams of never being heard.

Im a gloomy optimist,

a rebellious star patient,

a good girl with a bad attitude....

I am the nerd at a rock concert and the rocker at the symphony.

The Beastie Boys sit next to Bach in my CD collection.

I baby my parents and drive myself to the park to swing on the swings....

I am a practical romantic,

a clear-thinking flake,

an airhead with a good memory.

Im promptly late and lazily busy.

I am a southern Anglophile in suburban Utah,

an old-fashioned woman of the future

and an artist who cant draw.

I am the silent commentator.

I get the jokes, but can't make them.

Im an observer who wont look at people and a show-off who shuns attention.

I am a tongue-tied linguist and a studious slacker.

Im a fan who misses every game and a socialite without a social life.

i am an oxymoron.

two hundred eighty four

Things that have made me happy in the past week:

*boating
*vespa rides with patrick
*heating pads
*modern day medicine
*convos with my little brother that go something like this:

(While attempting to massage the muscle spasms in my neck and back)
A: Ouch! That's my bone!
L: Oh sorry! I thought it was the nugget!
A: The nugget?! Do you mean the knot?
L: Oh yeah, the knot...

(A few moments later)

A: Ouch!
L: Sorry, I keep telling myself to stay between your spine and razor blade but I keep getting distracted!
A: My razor blade?! You mean my shoulder blade?
L: Oh yeah...
A: That's okay Logan, I think I'm good on the massage...

He's adorable.

And life is good.

two hundred eighty three

apparently my blog called and it misses me...

i'm attempting to recommit to blogging because i used to love it. and lots has happened between my last post and now.

and on this episode of

"alana goes back to treatment..."

i took a little break from life itself. it was much needed. during that time i have discovered that:

-people like you more when you're not striving for perfection

-my apartment is next to the party pool

-change is hard

-people don't judge as much as i think they do

-the right thing is often the simple thing, but that certainly doesn't make it the easy thing

-i don't believe in AA's philosophy

-i do believe in the 12 steps

-it's okay to spend a seemingly ridiculous time staring at a cupboard full of food while sitting on my kitchen floor as long as i choose to eat something in the end

-i respond to tough love because it means someone cares enough about me to merit the energy of getting mad

-i'm hooked on grey's anatomy

-megavideo only allows 72 minutes of video watching at a time

-i love green apples and creamy peanut butter

-as tough as wanting something is, the people who suffer most are the ones who don't know what they want.

i called it like it was. and it sucked. but i'm better for it. so if you think i'm broken, then fix me. cuz i'm no quitter.

and i think we can do anything we want to if we stick to it long enough.