one hundred twenty six

not so much raves, its actually more of a rant.
be forewarned.
about girls that are mean...
i want to know why-
i want to know why a group of girls assembles at the beginning of the semester in my chemistry class and turns around, gives me a dirty look, or talks about me during every single class. i want to know what i've ever done to them that makes them feel so entitled to be such bitches... sorry for the language, but it really is fitting for their behavior. we are now a month into the semester and i have tried SO hard to ignore them and just do my thing. i don't talk to anyone so its not like i'm "that one kid" who always asks too many questions, talks too loudly to their neighbor, or struts in with a posse that is practically screaming to be challenged. no, i sit quietly, take copious notes, and jet as soon as it wouldn't no longer be considered rude to leave. i don't know these girls, so what do they have against me? honestly, i'm not trying to play the victim here, but i don't know why the heck i have been singled out to be gossiped about. isn't that hierachally a role reserved for the kids that pick their nose or are still wearing their tie dyed shirts or still excessively using their 1980-era hair crimpers? i tried telling myself to stop being so paranoid, but today, after a pretty crappy day in the first place, i'm running late for class and of course the only convenient seat to take is the one right in the row in front of them. so i take a deep breath, sit down and hear whispering followed by stiffled giggles and a voice saying in the fakest tone ever to "quit it and be nice." obviously i'm feeling so self conscious that i want to walk out and hide in a cave somewhere. i din't though, because i didn't want to have them looking at me as i walked out, and i reminded myself that i am in school for me, not for them or to get their approval, and that i shouldn't let my anxiety conflict with my desire to go to class. so i sat there for the first 2/3 of the class with eyes boring a hole- not just the back of my head, but pretty much the rest of my body and soul. being that our pompous professor takes personal offense to people getting up out of their seat while he is lecturing (he says if you are in class he expects you to respectfully remain in your seat till the lectures through), i am trying not to lose it so i discreetly grabbed my smartwater and an ativan from my bag. i didn't want to take a full dose since i needed to drive home and be productive tonight, but its a tiny pill to begin with and is already scored so i broke it in half and popped it in my mouth, along with a tic tac. one of the junior high-ites is practically straining her neck to the side so she can see what i'm doing, and then we have this dumb 5 minute break when there's only 15 minutes of class left anyway, and as i am checking texts/voicemails/whatev, i totally hear them behind me whispering about how i just took something and broke it in half, and how it wasn't advil, it was "like a pill" and how they were totally reading eachother's minds earlier in the class when bitch #1 had to tell bitch #2 to be nice. naturally more giggling ensues. i knew how curious they were about that secret drug i was popping and i wanted to turn around and say "since you can't mind your own business, i'm happy to let you know that i'm taking an anti-bitch pill in hopes of not losing my cool and turning into someone like you!" i mean really, are we still in junior high? i really wanted to snap at her and ask if she could help me figure out why she thought she was so great and powerful, because i just can't see it. i mean, while i appreciate her attempt at junior high aeropostale fashion, she's not pretty, DOES NOT have a cute body(i know i shouldn't judge people on that, but its all fair game when they are so openly critiquing me), her highlights are poorly placed in bad shades for her pastey skin tone, and by her behavior alone, she OBVIOUSLY isn't a nice person, so really, what is she so sure of herself about?! i am so confused! i even glanced at her handwriting, which says a lot about a person, and it wasn't cute either. i know some people say that girls act like that if they are jealous of something, but its not like i'm walking in and flaunting a guy that she's secretly crushing on and resenting me for. no, insecure girls keep it to themselves and beat themselves up about not being as pretty, thin, smart, etc... as the girl they are jealous of. MEAN GIRLS pick insecure people out for no reason at all and make them feel so uncomfortable that they want to run and cry. an aside: in my own little snotty way, i pretended not to notice that one of them dropped their pencil in the middle of class and it rolled right under my chair. ready for this- she was too snotty to ask me to pick it up, but made a big deal in the middle of lecture about finding someone that could loan her an extra! bet your bottom dollar i didn't help her out. now, i'm not going to give them the satisfaction of making me leave, but i am wholeheartedly blaming on them the fact that i now dread going to that class 3 nights a week. thanks bitches. and finally, don't be surprised that as mad as i was at these girls, at the end of the class i still grabbed her pencil, turned around, handed it to her, and with a smile said "see you tomorrow." welcome back to junior high.

one hundred twenty five

RIP Gordon B. Hinckley
1910-2008

what an amazing man. what else is there to say?

we all know how i've had my issues with religion/spirituality/myself/pretty much everything else in the world, but no matter what was going on in my life, i have always had nothing but the highest respect and adoration for president hinckley. you know they're great if they're called to be prophets of God, but there was just something about him that bought me the greatest sense of peace. i don't know if it was the sincere kindness in his eyes that are nearly impossible to find in this world today... i don't know if it was his sweet disposition as he cracked jokes in the middle of giving a talk... i don't know why. what i do know is that every day i drove up the same street to go to work- you know the one that goes through the eagle gate and passes right next to his apartment with their green tinted bulletproof windows that looks directly onto the temple? everyday i would think of him as i drive by and suddenly all of the craziness in my head didn't seem that catastrophic. i thought to myself about what it would be like if i somehow met him one day and had to admit that i didn't go to church anymore, and had some wine every now and then, and wasn't quite as temple worthy as i used to be. but i genuinely don't think he would have judged me for it and feel like he was the only living person on this earth that honestly wouldn't. so now i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, so grateful for a man that i have never met. i seriously can't believe i am crying so hard over this. i can't believe i'm crying- its been over a year- it's like a miracle in and of itself! but you know what, it feels good. i'm not sure if this was the best night to have put a facial mask on because it is now dripping down my face, but thats okay. sorry, this isn't supposed to be about me! president hinckley will probably always be the first person i think of when i hear the word "prophet." he has been the prophet for the majority of my life! he was the prophet when i was baptized, he was the prophet when i first went into the temple to do baptisms for the dead, he was the prophet i admired, revered, and prayed for since the time i said my bedtime prayers as a primary child, through the time i'd cry through my prayers at the center for change! i'm so grateful for all he's done for the church, i'm grateful for all that he's done for the world, and i'm grateful for all that he unknowingly has done for me. i'm not sure why i'm so sad over this since i went to primary and know all about how he must be so happy to be back with the savior and able to be with his wife again. i can't imagine how much he must have missed her. thank god for eternal marriages, huh? i guess i'm just sad to see such an amazingly kind and influential man leave a world that still so desperately needs him. but i understand. and i'm happy for him. and i'm sure the next prophet will be a good one too. but i'll just miss him, that's all. here's to president hinckley. :)

one hundred twenty four

it's going to be a long weekend.
i just wrote out my list of homework to knock out in the next 48 hours.
the list totals out at 20.
yep, 20.
doesn't that seem a bit excessive?
what's funny is that while attmepting to write the word excessive, i actually typed the word obsessive.
how's that for a freudian slip?!
although being a psych major, i know that that term is too frequently misused, just as it was in my last sentence.
it has become such a catch phrase term in society today that most people overlook it's true meaning.
just as i am willing to do right now! haha

so i've inadvertently decided that i need to work harder on true nutrition.

first, the lack of water consumption needs to stop. my skin would thank me endlessly. as well as the rest of my organs!

second, now that i don't eat chicken i need to work even harder at getting adaquate protein. proteins are totally the worker bees of the entire body and would blow your mind if you truly realized all that they do. its amazing! i'm actually finding that i really like all different types of beans, which are fabulous sources of protein and that's very exciting to me. since my fam had some chicken casserole-ish thing for dinner i had to resort to finding something to eat on my own. first of all, my house is full of teeming with 4 overly active kids that eat everything in sight (including any sort of leftover that i am attempting to savor at a future time), and unless i physically go grocery shopping (which probably hasn't happened since my days of day patient since i'm never home at meal time), no one ever buys anything that i like to eat. thankfully i have a little cupboard of food-ish things that i can resort to in times such as these. well, being the culinary genius that we all know me to be, i am currently munching a cranberry almond granola bar, rice cake smeared with peanut butter, and sipping a fantastically blended caramel macchiato from the nordy's e-bar. i had it made with soy milk so it wouldn't hurt my tummy and am totally considering that 1 cup serving to be a source of protein. yeah!!

third, the lattes should probably take a back seat to meals. sometimes when i'm on the run and short on time i hit starbucks and somehow convince myself that it's pretty much the same as drinking a boost. apparently i'm pretty convincing sometimes...

finally, i'm coming to the conclusion that i have precisely 71 minutes to finish my ethical dilemmas readings and make my class post before the deadline so i should probably go... with all of this homework hanging over my head, why the heck am i blogging?? because i want to, that's why! :)

one hundred twenty three

tonight as i watched yet another fantasmic episode of OTH i began to ponder about what brings people together. some say it's all about opposites attracting. others think they are best friends with their best friend because they are so identical they should have be monozygotic twins. i started thinking about the diversity of relationships in my life and marveling at how such seemingly different people could all get along so well. everyone has their quirks, preferences, vices, etc... each one of us is so very different, and with all the differences in their varying degrees, its the perfect example of how there truly isn't a "normal" even if we wanted to label someone or something as it. here's what i mean:

-anna can't smell, periodically pinches herself to see if the feeling has returned to her arm, and doesn't like ice in her water. (she also hasn't gotten on board with the blogolution yet.)
-loni doesn't like cheese but orders a pizza and then scrapes the cheese off- but in the most un-ED way in the planet. she also doesn't like raisins but gets oatmeal in a oatmeal raisin cookie bowl.
-brie is the mission president's daughter that delights in dirty jokes and perverted cat fondling.
-whit doesn't like cotton balls or when her fingers get pruny from being in water for too long. she is also slowly but steadily creating a profit deficit for red robin through ranch dressing and fry sauce consumption.
-hailey genuinely believes it might be a good idea to try back handsprings after back surgery, motivates YW volleyball games by having the girls chant things like "go get em tiger on the count of three!" (tiger wasn't even our mascot), and has a bottomless pit of a stomach for any combination involving bob's brain freeze, diet coke, and cafe rio.
-alisa rae won't eat chicken even though she likes it, cuz its not ideal for her blood type, works out her arms while balancing on the edge of the tub as the boys delightfully splash her, and pretty much considers ice cream to be one of the main food groups. she also subscribes to the "blame alana" philosophy of avoiding tricky situations in life.
-steve is mr. "its not okay, but its okay" if you know what i mean... steve, i know what you mean and im SO not down with that, if you know what I mean!
-davis is mr. "hey lets hang out" one day, but mr. "i haven't seen you in months but am still offended that you didn't buy me a christmas present" the next day...all of these schizo moments are sporadically received via text message...even better.
-spencer is a little bit spoiled and high maintenance, swears on his life that he isn't, but then pouts like a 5 year old prince when you point out blatant examples of it.
-kate sheller is the sweetest, most innocent looking people i know, but the girl can use the f bomb as more parts of speech in a single sentence than anyone i have ever met! its hilarious. and actually quite impressive.
-alriggles comes from a cute dairy farm in idaho but relishes moments at sketchy tattoo parlors on state street, flashing gangsta faces to the camera while a fire crotched, gauge eared homie pops a needle through her nose.
-trina, always the ultimate "feminist, ms. independent, boys are idiots" leader of skyline high school, suddenly gets engaged after what, 2 weeks?! and is now being the ultimate suzie homemaker; preggo and everything. it blows my mind! and i miss her like crazy!
-and then i'm still the weirdest of all, asking for appetizer recommendations at a certain ridiculously busy restaurant while saying "but i don't eat fish, chicken, other seafood, eggs, milk, soft cheeses, onions, cucumbers, bell peppers, or things with too much white flour in them...and i'm kinda lactose intolerant today." i guess the good thing is that i really narrow the menu down for myself. alisa's favorite is that i order the mushroom stroganoff from noodles and company without the mushrooms. whatevvvs! i also keep a spool of floss in my car and would rather stay home with a chick flick or a good book, than hit sundance or the star studded concert at harrios. i am a spelling snob who makes up and uses words that do not even exist, and wakeboard even though the premise of being in a lake majorly sicks me out. so i'm a weirdo, what can ya do?

okay after spewing all of this i have come to a profound conclusion... i think the reason i'm friends with all of these people is because in one way or another they are weird like me! :)

one hundred twenty two

face lost in a crowd,
feet wandering empty streets.
voice crying out loud,
heart aching with every beat.
someone searching,
everywhere and endlessly.
soul battered and bruised,
pride wounded and left for dead,
ears deaf to good news,
eyes tear drenched in sleepless red.
isolation,
trepidation,
a body scarred with hate.
hope suffering long,
faith urging that its not too late.

one hundred twenty one

many of you know my mom, sherla. here's a picture of her on thanksgiving with my bro chris... thats not really her name but if you don't know the story, don't worry about it. so she keeps bugging me about going running and saying that i could even take roxy with me if i wanted and it would be good exercise for her too. first of all, my dog runs about 1/2 of a mile in the direction opposite of my house and then cries till i carry her the rest of the way. unless i strap her into a backpack to bring her along, i'm not going to carry my dog as i go running- it really does nothing for my stride or form. and backpacking her really defeats the purpose of bringing her to give her some exercise. second of all, its like 13 degrees out with a wind chill making it feel closer to 0. i'm always freezing in the first place, so being out in the elements just doesn't sound like a good time to me. i thought it was a valid point and thought she'd leave me alone after telling my reasoning. but the result of my comment was being dragged to sports authority yesterday and made to buy underarmour, a headband for my ears, and running gloves to keep me warm(er) as i'm out in the arctic weather. my amusement came through realizing that i chose a unitard of all things as my base layer. don't
worry, its not the only thing i'm planning on wearing! i thought it seemed great so i didn't have to worry about pulling up/down different layers as i ran. it seems terribly practical, am i wrong? my family thinks its hilarious, saying that no one in their right mind chooses to wear a unitard, for the fact alone that as they were out in public they would know they were wearing one. i'm going to chalk it up to the years of strange dance costumes, that i'm apparently accustomed to the idea of seemingly embarrassing apparel. so i guess i'm out of excuses now that i have new running clothes and a new workout mix(gracias to the folks at itunes)... but at least now i'll be a bit warmer, right?!

one hundred twenty

a few things:

first, i went to the dentist this morning since i had yet another cavity. good times. apparently the combination of years of stomach acid and compulsive tooth brushing don't go too nicely with the attempt to maintain strong tooth enamel... okay well to make a long story short i am now sitting at the back of my stats class feeling pretty strung out (thank you ativan), my mouth, jaw, lips, etc all numb, and hoping and praying that i don't get called on or spoken to. i'm not really a fan of drooling all over myself or speaking like a stroke patient. i would be so embarrassed, so of course now i'm all paranoid!

second, jenni schaefer(the life without ed lady) wants me to help her with an article and i don't know how to say no so... yeah. its going to be in cosmogirl and that freaks me out. what should i do? this whole ED thing is frigtarded. i wish it would all just go away.

third, i am in class till 9:30 tonight and have to cart around my supplies for my chemistry lab tonight. let me just say that i feel a bit nerdy walking around campus with a full roll of paper towels, jug of dish soap, kitchen matches and combo lock. yeah. but at least it all fits in a giant pink juicy bag, so i guess it could be worse.

i hope this all made sense. i'm seriously feeling pretty out of it. okay i'm out.