Wednesday, August 26, 2009

two hundred thirty nine

I I went to group therapy tonight for the first time in, I don't know, 3 years? I was soooo nervous. I didn't go see N this week so I thought I'd be proactive and go to group instead of doing nothing at all. Especially since its the first week of fall semester and I'm already freaking out ( Mom was so sweet and drove me down because she knew I wouldn't have gone down if I had to drive down there by myself. So she and L and j came down and just hung out while I went to group. I was sooo anxious but felt a lot better when I saw jen and britta and allison there! I didn't know the therapist facillitating the group but he ended being awesome. I think allison's doing okay, but britta's struggling and I feel bad for not being more of a support for her. She's always been so kind to me. She has lost a visible amount of weight, but not too, too much. It's the saddness in her eyes that show how hard she's been fighting lately. I know that seems silly to say, but it's so true. It's noticeable when someone usually so vibrant suddenly isn't anymore... I'm sad that she's so sad. There were these day patients that were so vocal about the magic of being in recovery and part of me wanted to say "sorry to burst your recovery bubble, but it doesn't actually get any better as the years go on..." Of course, I refrained. I think it's great for them to feel so enthusiastic, but they're in for a rude awakening the first time they fall flat on their faces. The whole point is learning to pick yourself back up. But if you never fall, you have no opportunity to learn. I absolutely remember the days of feeling so excited about recovery. But they're long gone... After years of back and forth and going in circles, it just gets exhausting. Uhhh, good group, huh?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

two hundred thirty eight

As much as it sucks to have to manage your time and learn without being face to face with a professor in lecture, I'm quickly coming to the realization that online classes are a god send. No stares as you walk in the room. No uncomfort as you walk past a group of friends in the hall and are walking by alone as they look at you. No awkward urges to make friends with a stranger on the first day of class just so that you don't need to sit alone for the rest of the semester. No false impressions that you're a frigid little snot because you walk in, take copious notes without acknowledging a single person, and then leave as soon as it would be deemed polite to do so.


Online classes are the place for me.

Log out.

Monday, August 24, 2009

two hundred thirty seven

I have a great life,
Its truly not bad,
So can someone explain how I can still feel so sad???