Tuesday, December 30, 2008

two hundred fifteen

We all know of my weakness for good looking men.
The kind that give me movado watches for christmas,
The kind with abs so hard they could be used to wash every piece of fabric on earth and not show a sign of wear and tear,
The kind that are absolute self absorbed pigs yet leave me breathless and fluttering with every interaction.
There's no denying that I love me a good looking man.
Well this week I have discovered a new favorite.
Enter cody:
The final semester doctorate student who has decided to study chiropractics and save my back,
But has also single handedly saved my vision through his delicious good looks.
He's smart, funny, and has a jawline chiseled by god himself!
Suddenly my neck has been absolutely KILLiNG me and I have a funny little feeling that I may 'need' to go in to the chiropractor a bit more often than I used to-
Say, oh... 3 times a week?! ;)

Monday, December 29, 2008

two hundred fourteen

I know that I tend to get restless. And I know that I tend to be insatiable. But I also know that I have been blessed with so so SO much. I am sitting here at the chiropractor, reflecting over the past year as 2008 is about to come to a close, i am amazed at all that I have. I have a somewhat dysfunctional but amazingly fun and loving family that would do anything for me. I have the most incredible friends that I know will support me through anything I deal with in life. I have two jobs that I enjoy doing and in this recession I feel ever so blessed to even have a secure income at all. I have the world's most wonderful dog. Rox will always be my baby and never ceases to make me smile, no matter how crappy I'm feeling. Being a girl, I complain about never having anything to wear, but as I think about it, I have multiple closets and am so fortunate to not only own a coat to keep me warm, but to have numerous options to choose from when its subzero temperatures outside. I have a car that does much more than simply get me from point a to point b. More than anything, I have a belief in god- that even if all of things were stripped from my life, I could somehow find a way to be okay. And no amount of juicy couture could take that away!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

two hundred thirteen

At my job we must escort our darling students to and from their gates at the airport to ensure that they are flying where they say they're going on their homepasses. Due to the holidays I've had my fair share of gate waiting and airport cuisine. Tonight, as I'm waiting for the third arrival of my shift, I decided to treat my lazy self to some frozen yogurt. I remembered loving tcby as a child and was not disappointed in the least to find out that the only flavor they still had available was strawberry. So I pay my $5 dollars for my 4 ounces of red dye 40 frozen yogurt and hurry to my gate to enjoy it before the flight gets in. I take my first highly anticipated bite and something immediately tastes off. Suddenly it hits me like a semi- this tastes EXACTLY like strawberry boost!!! The same sickeningly cheerful color, the same syrupy sweet flavor that you can't quite swallow down... I realize that by the time I sit down to enjoy my so called frozen yogurt, its no longer really frozen and is in fact becoming the same smooth, thick, cold liquid that was literally pumped down my throat at one time. And not gonna lie, it freaked me out. And not gonna lie, I can't stomach another OUNCE ("2 oz minimum" lame!) Of that nasty stuff. And not gonna lie, I threw that sucker away. Red mango anyone? I need some agua. Stat.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

two hundred twelve

Its the happy girl,
She's the little ray of sunshine.
But there's been a mistake
And the light's leaking from her eyes.
She's getting lost in her head
And its dark in there
Thrown between vicious riptides of
Whirling strands of thought.
Disoriented and nauseous,
She's getting tangled in there
But every attempt of extrication
Seems to further tie her down.
Its that web like a spider's web,
The kind that's made of silver light trapped shadows,
But spun by regret and shame and doubt.
And though by the moonlight it spreads
Capturing any opportunity that nightfall provides,
In the day its getting harder
To fight her way out.

Monday, December 8, 2008

two hundred eleven

Loni has been the latest to comment on my lack of blogging and it is not for lack of desire, but merely lack of time! I know, story of my life, right?! Well here, for the few yearning minds, is the most recent happenings which fill my days:

-i moved into my parentals new place. I'm sharing a room for the first time in my life and I love it! Its like shlee and I get to have a slumber party every night! :) we decided to make one of the family rooms into our bedroom and its giant and we love it and we affectionately refer to it as 'the studio.' Super trendy, and fun, and freaking cute too!

-i thought roxy broke her leg last week and I was such a mess! She kept limping and would lie down so she didn't have to walk on it and it made me so sad! She has been improving and ended up just having a bad sprain so that's a relief. She's still cute as ever and snugging with her is still my favorite thing in the whole entire world!

-i'm still working at university and its a good time. My coworkers are hilarious! Oh update! I have started wearing blue scrubs... Yes, caution status blue. They're free from the hospital and everyone wears them so I might as well blend in. They will never be my favorite though!

-i'm also still working at the treatment center and wow things have been crazy. Going out to dinner on saturdays, rec night outings on tuesdays, and emotional breakdowns galore. More documentation than ever imaginable, late night jam sessions, and the strangest boundaries ever conceived. Never a dull moment!

-i'm thrilled the snow has held off...until this morning! But naturally i'm hoping for a white christmas so I guess I have to be okay with the snow coming sometime!

In conclusion, i've had a bunch of ups, a few downs as well, and a whole lot of sleep deprivation, but all in all I have incredible family, friends, and opportunities, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I hope you're all having a fabulous holiday season and know that if you ever need someone to go christmas shopping with- i'm your girl!

Loves to you all.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

two hundred ten

tagged me, so here we go:

1. Post rules on your blog
2. Answer the six '8' items (i personally think it should be 8 "8" items, not 6.)
3. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving them a comment

8 Favorite TV Shows
1. gossip girl
2. one tree hill
3. alias
4. house
5. the simple life
6. code blue
7. america's next top model
8. anything on discovery health

8 Things I did yesterday
1. got off of a grave shift at university
2. took a shower
3. went to work at LEA
4. cooked corn
5. went bouncing at classic
6. drove a 12 passenger van
7. ran a drug test
8. went back to sleep!

8 things I look forward to
1. trimming the tree tonight
2. christmas shopping
3. playing with rox
4. christmas parties
5. movie nights and rio with shlee
6. getting my LEA raise
7. more christmas shopping!
8. eventually finishing school

8 Favorite Restaurants
1. cpk
2. cafe rio
3. takashi
4. tepanyaki
5. red mango (does that count?)
6. chilis
7. mimi's
8. cheesecake factory

8 Things on my wish list
1. true religion sweats
2. knitted fold over uggs
3. old fashioned flannel pjs!
4. a cute boy for the holidays :)
5. i don't know...
6. honestly, i have everything i want.
7. maybe that sounds bratty but im acknowledging the truth.
8. and im grateful for it so i think its okay to admit it!

8 People I Tag
1. whoever
2. feels
3. so
4. inclined
5. as
6. to
7. play
8. along.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

two hundred nine

I've been thinking about how a great percent of us live our lives according to and dictated by our fear of how our choices may or may not affect the course of our life. I think the majority of us will meet our destiny while on a road travelled in hopes of avoiding it. So many say they dream of living fearlessly, but I think the term "fearless" entails so, soo much.

Here's what I think of being fearless- to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots and lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your first day of high school. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think its fearless to stop believing them. Its fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what other people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...that's fearless too. But no matter what life throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because at the end of it all, it all comes down to love. Loving someone else, and most importantly, fearlessly loving yourself. Am I fearless yet? No. But I'm fearlessly on my way to becoming so.


two hundred nine

I've been thinking about how a great percent of us live our lifes according to and dictated by our fear of how our choices may or may not affect the course of our life. I think the majority of us will meet our destiny while on a road travelled in hopes of avoiding it. So many say they dream of living fearlessly, but I think the term "fearless" entails so, soo much.

Here's what I think of being fearless- to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots and lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your first day of high school. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think its fearless to stop believing them. Its fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what other people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...that's fearless too. But no matter what life throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because at the end of it all, it all comes down to love. Loving someone else, and most importantly, fearlessly loving yourself. I'm I fearless yet? No. But I'm fearlessly on my way to becoming so.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

two hundred eight

Have you ever seen a collision up close?
In this world its unavoidable.
Lives slam together in this playground that inspires our best...
And fuels our worst.
But no matter how you try to resist it-
you just can't look away.

Monday, November 3, 2008

two hundred seven

alisa called to specifically request that i update my blog.
and i've been tagged by the briester.
so here goes nothing:

the rules:
1. link to the person who tagged you.
2. mention the rules on your blog.
3. tell 6 unspectacular quirks about you.
4. tag 6 fellow bloggers and link to them.
5. leave a comment on the 6 bloggers you tagged letting them know they've been tagged.

quirk 1:
i don't drink tap water. it sicks me out. the exception to this is when i'm at a restaurant, but it has to have mucho ice so i can't taste the chlorination and such. but at home, i think i'd rather die of thirst than drink water from a sink faucet.

quirk 2:
i am fond of numbers that are multiples of three. especially even numbers which are multiples of three. let's just chalk it up to ocd and call it good, mmmkay?

quirk 3:
i have many opinions but often don't care to share them. i know what i believe and feel no need to prove their validity to anyone else. i'm not for heated debates. you have your opinions and i have mine. and i respect our differences.

quirk 4:
peppermint ice cream is one of my all time favs, but only if it's the pink kind. i'm sure the blue peppermint tastes just the same but i just don't like it.

quirk 5:
i love bad weather. storms, clouds, wind, all of the above. it makes for perfect weather to curl up in bed with hot chocolate and a good book. i devour good novels. once started, i won't stop reading till i finish the very.last.page.

quirk 6:
i'm known to answer my phone in the middle of the night or respond to a text and have no recollection of it the next morning. there's always an anxiety ridden moment as i check my outgoing texts/recent call list to find a correspondence i don't remember having. but my friends find it hilariously amusing so i guess i have that going for me!

i tag...
abigail rose

alisa rae
and anyone else who would like to participate!


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

two hundred six

you know life is going just swimmingly when...
you got 3 hours of sleep because you just did a 12 hour graveyard shift at the hospital putting together 50 IVs and their proper tubing but are totally in a good mood about it - the boy just cancelled tomorrow night's date but you're not devastated in the slightest - your parents are moving and their new house has a pool (!) - you smile every time you look at your adorable kate spade bag because of its pink and white polka dots - you feel perfectly in place wearing bubble gum pink scrubs while everyone else is in the trademark light blue (i can't wear those, it reminds me of being on caution so that color has forever been ruined for me!) - kate winslet and leo dicaprio are finally reuniting to do a gut wrenching oscar worthy drama and you feel no shame in admitting that you are dying to see it when it's released in december - you stop on the side of a random highway to take a rockin picture on a particularly cloud strewn day - you haven't seen your t in 3 weeks, have another 12 to go and are only slightly apprehensive - you have the absolute coolest mentee ever and love going on fun passes with her - you haven't practiced a certain negative coping mechanism in over 3 months - you often feel compelled to write something amazing on the guitar but find yourself laughing over the inspired nothingness that has been gleaned over the past hour of your life - you happily spend your morning in the windy pouring rain in order to catch the few fleeting moments of bliss across your brother's face as he scores the sole 2 goals at his high school lacrosse game before #1 ranked bingham slams the lofty skyline eagles out of the sky - that no matter the weather, it's a beautiful day and no amount of bad drivers on the freeway can change your mind!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

two hundred five

hey team,
i know, i've been a major slacker on the blog front. here's an update of what's going on in my life:

•i really did take the semester off from school and it feels fabulous!

•i am working at a residential treatment center for adolescent girls and i love it. the girls are awesome, my co-workers are fabulous, and after one short month i'm already getting a promotion! yeah! :) sometimes its kind of weird to think that i'm a care tech but guess what, i love it and i'm good at it so i think it's okay!

•i'm also working in same day surgery at university hospital. it's long hours and lots of running back and forth but i'm having a blast! i love wearing my cute scrubs and working in the hospital. i've wanted to do that for so long.

•since i'm no longer a full time student i no longer get the benefits of my parental's medical insurance and that kind of stresses me out so send healthy vibes my way! gracias gracias.

•having more time to play with rockstar has been the biggest perk of my little break. we love going running, out on hikes, to the dog park, and snuggling in bed. she's still s a s s y as ever and i loves it!

•my eyes are almost healed but still a bit cloudy from the scar tissue. my corneal specialist thinks the scarring is too deep for lasik, they'd have to take out too much healthy tissue to clear out all of the scarring, but i still have another 6-9 months to wait before i can have the official evaluation for it. hopefully things will continue to slowly improve...

•i'm currently obsessed with red mango. it is the most deliciously delectable frozen yogurt EVER. add fresh mango and i am in heaven! anytime, anywhere- i'm there! for realsies, i go at least 3-4 times a week.

•yesterday alisa found out that she's having a boy and i'm so excited for her! 3 little fox boys, what could possibly be cuter than that?!

•i'm craving a little yorkie and already have the perfect name for her. coco chanel! and i'd get her a chanel collar! uber cute! rox may be a little jealous at first but she get over it. love, peace, and chanel baby! :)

•i'm freezing. already. and it's barely october. bad news bears!

•but on the majority of my days i can honestly say that i'm happy. and that's the best part of my entire little story. the end!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

two hundred four

this has got to be one of the funniest things i have ever seen! the guy trying to do the splits cracks me up everytime! if anyone wants to organize a game... i'm down!!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

two hundred ninety one

-there is something uncontrollably weird about the moment you find out your ex has found someone else and is engaged to marry them. you're happy for them but it's still just kinda weird!
-there is something hilarious about watching your dog chase it's own tail. it doesn't matter how many times i've seen it before, it's still just as funny!
-there is something about working out so hard that you're shakey all over and it hurts to breathe. it's one of my favorite feelings in the world.
-there is something instantly satisfying about having lunch with a friend and talking for hours about absolutely nothing at all.
-there is something frustrating about the object of your infatuation losing it's grip on you. as much as you're ready to move on, sometimes you wish the facination would never end.
-there is something effortlessly delightful about playing with a puppy. i dont mind getting up in the morning as long as i wake up with rox snuggled up with me.
-there is something about spring sunshine that makes my optimism come out of it's wintery shell.

and there is something about this moment in time that leaves me wanting nothing more than what i already have.

{who knows how long this contentment will last}

Monday, September 8, 2008

two hundred three

darling 3 year old Austin was just diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia and is in for the fight of his life. he was just admitted to primary children's medical center last week and will need a lot of blood transfusions over the course of his treatment. we're meeting up at ARUP blood services (near the U) this saturday morning to donate in his name and would LOVE if you could come donate too! when ARUP runs short on blood donations they are forced to purchase needed blood from outside sources and the cost ends up being paid by the family. by donating blood it helps to ensure that his family can have blood available free of charge.

-bring a picture ID.
-it just takes 30 minutes.
-one donation can save up to 3 lives.
-we'll be there at 9am but stop in at any time!!!
-let me know if you need any more info!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

two hundred two

sometimes when things are not okay,
an elite group of people somehow manage to make it okay.
and i wonder,
i've always wondered,
where that strength comes from-
that dignity and grace
they put on in the face of everything that's happened in their lives.
because i really want to be that kind of person someday...

Sunday, August 31, 2008

two hundred one

"1. alana
The most amazing person in the world,
sometimes on back order,
everybody loves her and wishes to be her friend.
No guy can resist!
(ie: Darn my Alana isn't coming till thanksgiving.
Man i wish i was alana.
I love Alana!)"

no really! its true!
check it out for yourself,
and then go see what your name means!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

two hundred

first, happy birthday to anna katharine kaelin!!!
we had a crazy night on saturday that resulted in a random birthday cake for her so we took pics! haha love her!

second, this is my two hundredth post! instead of posting two hundred things you'd never want to know about me, i'll just post the random ones that happen to come to mind:

-pear yogurt is my favorite. strange but deliciously true.
-i'd rather die than have to wear a sleeveless polo shirt.
-i find something inherently trashy about posing for a picture with an alcoholic beverage in hand. i don't care if it's a glass of dom or a straight up bud lite, just don't do it.
-same goes for attaching things to your car windshield/dashboard. it declass-ifys your mercedes to the status of a ford.
-i like crunchy fruit- apples, pears, etc... the crunchier the better.
-you'll never catch me wearing an anklet or more than 2 rings on one hand. i'd feel too much like a gypsy.
-i secretly like katie perry's "i kissed a girl" song. i hate the message of trendy bisexualism but love the hook of the chorus and the lyrics are catchy.
-although i know the masses flock to MAC with unwavering devotion, i am willing to stand alone in saying that Chanel cosmetics is where it's at.
-ginger ale is my favorite soda.
-i've never attended a college football game.
-even as a dancer, the rhythm of playing the drums on rockband somehow elude me every time. i'm horrible! my brothers find it hilarious.
-i love maple and brown sugar malt-o-meal. it's kind of like cream of wheat but so much better.
-my grandfather used to make me eat salted grits for breakfast as he told stories of eating them in the war.
-i'm finally reading the 6th and 7th harry potter books. please don't spoil my belated suspense by ruining anything about future story events!
-i'm allergic to ibuprofen. and bees. and gold.
-i'm precisely 11 months younger than my best friend. today she turned 22. the last 30 days are my favorite of the entire year because it means we're the same age.
-i am an avid glasses wearer until my eyes are cleared for contacts again. and i hate it. but at least they're kate spade. and they came in a bright pink case.

hope you're having a good weekend!

loves to you all.


Thursday, August 28, 2008

one hundred ninety nine

lana's 20 Qs:
1. What do you want right this minute? perfect eyesight
2. If you were a boxer, what would your ring name be? magenta electra
3. Would you rather be perfect from the waist up or the waist down? dude. both.
4. Would you rather meet Oprah or Ellen? i heart oprah, but i think ellen is way more personable, so ellen, i choose you!
5. Have you ever had Gonorrhea? negatory on that one. nast.
6. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like? as long as they are low rise hanky panky thongs, they will due just splendidly. but my current fav is a pair of teal ones. super cutie.
7. What’s one thing you’re afraid of? the dark. how ridiculous, i know. but i am super paranoid ever since ryan mcqueery decided to stop in! this needs to end. pronto.
8. If you could be reincarnated as someone/something, what would you pick? i'd love to be reincarnated as the 9 foot tall chinese man. i can't even imagine what life would be like at that height. but the next day i'd jump off a bridge so then i could be reincarnated again. i'd love to spend a day as something different until i tried them all and decided what i liked best.
9. Who is your least favorite actor? kirsten dunst drives me crazy. can't stand her.
10. Do you ever have recurring dreams? i rarely dream at all. sad but true.
12. Do you like reality TV? yuppers, but not as much as GG and OTH! monday night baby! yeah!
13. Are you happy right now? i'm actually pretty content. i'm sure i've been better but i've definitely been worse so i can't complain! :)
14. Would you rather have a salad or a burger? gardenburger por favor
15. What would you do if you were locked in a room with your worst enemy for 3 days? try to sleep the 3 days away and pretend the person wasn't there.
16. Were you popular in high school? i've yet to meet a person that would actually respond yes to this question, and yet 99.9% of parents would immediately say their child was one of the most popular kids in school. funny huh?
17. What did you want to be when you were little, and did you follow that dream? i wanted to be a pop star. didn't quite work out...
18. What’s one of your favorite quotes? "the definiton of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
19. What is one of your weaknesses? spending money. often impulsively. heck, sometimes compulsively! i'm a spender and i know it. and i love it. they've always said to turn weaknesses into strengths, so i buy really nice clothes! ;)
20. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full? i think i'm pretty optimistic, but i agree with brie, if it's half full of boost, then it's way too full for anyone's good! haha

i feel like i should have post this on a myspace bulletin instead. it doesn't seem like a blog kind of thing... whatevvvvs... ciao.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

one hundred ninety eight

i've been pretty cooped up with my lame-o eye ulcer and al yuen knew that. so this morning he decides to surprise me with a daddy daughter brunch date. they're my fav. he calls at 10 and i'm awake but still in bed. he says to hurry and get dressed because he's on his way to pick me up. i'm groggy but thrilled as i trade my pink polka dot booty shorts for black juicy warm ups and throw a peach bebe deep-v tee over my tank top. havianas are barely slipped onto my feet as i run out the door- hair in a pony tail, not a lick of makeup, but sporting my favorite sassy shades. i ask where we're going and he says its a surprise... imagine my supremely underdressed horror as we pull into La Caille of all places. it was not my finest moment as the gg-esque socialite i am known to be. dress for the occasion. fashion forward, but situationally appropriate. this my friends was an utter wardrobe disaster. granted, i felt a little better as i passed the man in khaki shorts and a RL Blue line piqued polo, but as i sat on the 22 acre grounds of a magnificently decadent french chateau surrounded by sauntering peacocks and ponds poised with giant white swans, i couldn't help but feel that my 3 course (more-than-i-spend-on-a-pair-of-rock-&-republic-denim breakfast) would have been more thoroughly enjoyed had i been in my element: sipping my mimosa in a white eyelet sundress with a sweet-as-candy, killer pair of manolos or christian louboutins. this my dear, requires adaquate planning and preparation. but somehow the fact that it was a complete and total surprise made it the most charming and delightful brunch to date. it was delish, from the amuse bouche, carmel walnut croissants, and creme brulee baked petite pain a la francaise, to the swan profiterole for dessert. well done daddy, well done indeed.

Friday, August 22, 2008

one hundred ninety seven

i heart gossip girl. its true.
season 1 just came out on dvd.
loves it!
tantalizing and altogether terrific.
described as "eye candy, mind candy, and as pretty as a perfectly prepared martini."
could anything be more perfectly suited for me?
you know you love it.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

one hundred ninety six

i tried to remember this quote as people were sharing their favorite quotes and i totally butchered it. so here's the real deal:

i loves it. but the trick comes in learning to believe it...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

one hundred ninety five

what the (insert your favorite word here) is going on?!

i have an awesome life- for the most part. but some things just bug and i need to vent because i promised my therapist i'd journal before i did anything destructive. why journal here and not on my private blog? because i just went to a freaking treatment reunion last night and feel bad about not being honest when i'm struggling with things. dang it! so here's what's on my mind:

rant #1: my anxiety is out of control.
you would think it would be better now that i'm out of school and have made the decision not to go back at all next semester but it's not. i am a freaking basket case and feel like i'm going insane. i almost didn't go to clinicals one morning because i was to anxious to walk from the chair i'd fallen asleep in to my car because i'd have to go through the garage out to my car in the driveway and it was still dark out. yesterday at the ED conference shindig i was so anxious about getting up from my seat to go to the bathroom that i almost wet my pants. for reals. who cares if you get up to go to the bathroom?! apparently in that moment i cared immensely.

rant #2: i am lacking a treatment team.
my dietitian no longer works at cfc, which is fine since i haven't seen her for over a year anyway, but there's a sense of security in knowing she was there if i ever needed help and now that security is gone. i haven't seen a psychiatrist in my life except for dr. ellis at cfc because i'm totally opposed to them (not for other people, just for myself) and their pill subscribing happiness. i didn't really need one because during the time that i accepted the fact that i may be in need of a little medication i was able to get them through my pcp. her office screwed me over and so now i don't have a doctor either. so i finally set my pride aside and got a referral for a psychiatrist and don't you worry they can "squeeze me in" near the end of october. thanks folks, super helpful.

rant #3: i am blind.
not truly blind but i fear i am getting there. my eyes have been getting red and irritated with my contacts and it was about time for a new prescription so i didn't think it was weird that things were all blurry or that my eyes were starting to water frequently. maybe i had allergies? what was weird was that i found myself unable to be in bright light- especially outside in the sunlight without dark sunglasses on. my eyes were too sensitive. i know that i'm chinese and squinty already, but this was like super squinting and even then i couldn't see! bad news. so i go in to my opthamologist after having to pull off on the side of the freeway while driving up a canyon because i couldn't even see to drive and am told i have not one but two nifty ulcers in my right eye and maybe some forming on my left eye. wtf?! i didn't realize eyes could even get ulcers! congratulations fount of knowledge, indeed they can. the scary part is that even after you get them to heal, they will leave permanent scars on your cornea. i'm trying to be chill but i'm not gonna lie, it totally scares me. i really don't want to go blind at 21. so my eyes are red, i'm walking around my house with the lights off and blinds closed, and i still have sunglasses on. bummer. the worst was being at cfc yesterday and having to explain it to everyone who assumed i either had pinkeye (gross, i've never had it, but gross), was crying all day long (probably because recovery is such an emotional endeavor to be talking about), or was straight up stoned (thank you nicole hawkins). obviously i can't wear contacts and i can't drive because i can't put my sunglasses over my regular glasses and so i'm essentially homebound with the eyesight of a mole. fantastic.

rant #4: my mother is insanely triggering to me.
most people have triggers like a pair of pants fitting snuggly (and dude that sucks!), or celebrity photos in magazines or movies. although none of those made me feel like parading in downtown SLC wearing a string bikini, i have discovered that nothing makes me more emotionally volatile than my mom. that sucks because i love her and i love being with my sibs, but the more i'm around her, the more unbalanced and detrimental my life becomes. we got in a big fight last night and she took the key to her house off of my key ring, and told me to never come back. who says that to their child?! i'll be honest, i was thinking of employing some pretty negative coping mechanisms and it made me so mad because i had just come from cfc where i felt so grounded and content. it blows my mind how she can affect me so quickly and intensely. i didn't feel like fighting with the thoughts in my head so i just went to bed. sometimes that is my saving grace. just going to sleep so things can't bother me anymore. so with my dad working all the time, my room mate being gone till next week, and no longer being welcome at my parent's house (according to sherla) (nor do i have a key to it), i feel totally lonely! at the same time all i want to do is isolate. no bueno, but i know that this is a situation only i can get myself out of so we'll see how the day progresses...

rant #5: i took the semester off to relax and i'm already overbooked.
i got a job at a treatment center for adolescent girls and i'm stoked. i don't know if i ever really thought i'd be in a healthy enough place to work as a tech, but i strived for it and all of a sudden here i am. i submitted applications all over because i didn't want to depend on just one job and then not get hired. so then i get a call from the U hospital offering me a position in their same day surgery unit. i told them about my other job offer and they said they would give me hours that wouldn't conflict so i said yes. this is wonderful news because i am insanely in debt and would really like to be able to keep my car (not that anyone can really afford to be driving around with gas prices as high as they are) and i need all of the hours i can get so i don't need to feel so stressed about money. i'm trying so hard to be an adult and not have my dad pay for things. i appreciate his help but i've gotten myself into this mess and it's my responsibility to get out of it. so i may be working insane hours, graveyard shifts at the hospital, etc... but hopefully it will put me in a better place by the time i go back to school in the spring.

rant #6: recovery's still hard sometimes.
i left treatment a long time ago and at this point i have a hard time being patient with results. i feel like i've totally put in the work and seen some results but i want it all to just go away for good. sitting in that conference yesterday i was thinking about my recovery and what pieces of my eating disorder i still secretly hold on to. i don't want to be holding on to any of it. i thought of a few that had perhaps been in the back of my mind, and maybe i just wasn't ready to admit them yet, but now i'm looking forward to bringing them up in therapy and working on them and getting rid of them. it was so great to see everyone at the reunion. there were a lot of people i didn't know, but enough that i did know and it felt good to know that we all share in a common struggle and can support each other through it. i have come so far from where i was when i went into treatment and i'm proud of myself, but sometimes i still worry that it isn't far enough. i feel like i need to verbalize everything i feel about recovery because if i step back for even a second i will go right back to my ED. it terrifies me. some days i feel so content in where i am in recovery, but there are still those days that i want nothing more than to go back to it. why? why do i get so far and then have the urge to sabotage it all? i felt so motivated and inspired while surrounded by so many courageous women. i felt so powerful- that together we truly could do anything. so why is it almost 2pm the day after, in a house all alone, and all i want to do is starve?

hey melissa- was this honest enough for you?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

one hundred ninety four

summer 2008's been great!

even though the majority of my waking hours were spent logging countless hours in buildings on campus- lectures, labs, and review sessions galore- i still had some great times this summer. i love summer! but for reals, i will never do a summer semester again. there's too much to do during summer break and not enough time to do it all!

here are some of the highlights: i stuffed 8 pieces of week old pizza down the disposal and apparently that's no bueno. it definitely broke the disposal. i made jen try plunge it at 2 in the morning and had to hurry to snap this picture before she stopped plunging. various profanities ensued after she realized i was able to capture this, albeit blurry, picture. hil.ar.i.ous!

i built myself a dresser! thank you ikea for being a royal pain in product availability. but i love it so that's okay. i'm uber proud of myself!

i've been able to see anna lots this summer and it's been delightful! we've had so much fun going to dinner, having movie nights, going on double dates, etc... she's the best other half i could ever hope to have! please notice jake's grinch face in the background.

we hung out lots with tyler and jake. backyard bbqs, mini golf, projector movies under the stars, and much discussion of nielson's frozen custard. delish!

we went to the secondhand serenade concert and it was freezing. good, but freezing. jake insisted that a super bright star was a satellite but had to concede after it stayed in the same place for the entire night, that it could not be a satellite. we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and just say his satellite/star mistake was due to the fact that it was his first night in new glasses and his eyes were still getting used to the change in visual perception. whatevs! haha

happiness is a coke slurpee with a pink straw. i lived on these.

i hit up lake powell in july and got in some sweet jumps on the wakeboard. it was the highlight of the summer. i look forward to this one week all year long. it's so beautiful down there! it blows my mind!

i was rockin it on "kays rays." i sent this pic to patrick who was stuck in biochem. a few weeks later he went to powell without me. lame!

shlee and i hit the pool and had backyard swim parties so that oakley and rox wouldn't feel left out of our sunbathing rituals! if sunbathing was a offered at the u, i would major in it! for reals.

on july 30, i turned 21. crazy. i dont feel any different, just a little more legit. haha

anna took me to chilis for lunch on my birthday. and made the servers sing to me. and got it on video. and i was embarrassed and have to check everyday to see that she is not following through with her threat to post it on facebook.

we hit lagoon last week and riding the rides together made me think of her senior trip to orlando. good times. "merry christmas, welcome to florida!" haha i just love this girl!

i was set up with my DDF meke's cousin kasey for their family tradition of cousin date night last week saturday. it was a blast. i was uber proud of our aladdin puzzle. what can i say? we're pro. last night we met up with some of his buddies and their dates to play sand volleyball, have a fire in his backyard and make smores. classic. the best part- he is a country music fan. enough said! :)

sunshine and summertime.

what more could i ask for?!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

one hundred ninety three

gidg sent me a text asking for my favorite memory of us, to just send her the first one that came to mind. my response had to do with a certain naked person hanging out on her bed and then i sent the memory text out to some of my friends. the responses were hilarious and totally made my day! i had forgotten about so many things!

here's the responses, maybe you were there for some of them and it can prompt some laughter in your life:
-alisa: "wow- nose piercing, new years, what if!"
-ali: "merry christmas, welcome to florida!!!" :)
-britta: "u bringing pink hangers 2 the center. i remember u standing there all confident about ur pink stuff! B"
-brie: "what if questions!"
-jen: "don't take my glasses, i can't see without my glasses!" "who's that crazy girl?!"
-katie: "connect 4"
-katherine: "getting my ear pierced and you taking all those damn pictures! scratch that. i think it was walking bridal veil falls with trace and jen. or one of our trips to red robin. or superbowl sunday."
-rachel: "when we got lost in the ghetto in california. and mike disney."
-savannah: "when i said you didn't have to pretend that everything was okay and that you could talk to me anytime. it was somewhere along those lines."
-hiccup: "my favorite memory is when we had that awesome long talk that night up at brighton."
-jessie: "us coming up with our own dances on the side :)"
-trina: "no one can top almost capsizing- soaking you and your scriptures and your ipod and going to church in a see through white skirt. that was great!"
-spencer: "the time we went to the dance together and everybody was getting drunk except for us. good times..."
-marie: "ruined ipod and wet dresses. :-D"

i think it's so funny to think of these memories as the first ones to pop into someone's head! tell me, what's the first thing that pops into your head when you think of us?!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

one hundred ninety two

"bless me father for i have sinned..."
in the catholic church all mortal sin is absolved only through the sacred act of confession.
and although i've never been in a cathedral for mass,
i can only imagine what that priest would say:
stay away from the drinks,
keep your clothes on,
try avoiding those that will tempt you to stray...
so on the eve of my 21st birthday
i'd be willing to hear his sermon
if he'd grant me just one birthday wish-
but unfortunately those priests you call "Father"
apparently don't play the role of genie as well...
let the countdown begin.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

one hundred ninety one

advice from others is about as diverse as my own feelings on the situation.
they say to take a risk.
they say to fight for the things i want in life.
they say to take a stand.
they say to let it go.
but it gets to a point when things go on for too long and enough is enough.
i come to my senses and realize that i deserve better.
mid kiss last night the thought pops into my head,
that he will never be one to tell me what he wants,
to push for what's important to him,
to just be a man.
he's too selfish for those thoughts.
and that's okay.
it's pretty much the biggest turn off of my life.
i come to the abrupt conclusion that that boy will do whatever i say,
and that takes all the fun out of it.
the passion was gone and the moment was d r a g g i n g,
so i stop kissing him and walk away.
it feels final.
and it feels good.
because i've been there and done that,
and feel no sense of loss
when thinking of how that was the last time my lips will ever linger on his.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

one hundred ninety

allow me to document the most depressing day of my life. its true, i bought a pair of crocs. i am utterly mortified and embarrassed to have willingly succumb to the social pressure. as you can see i was less than thrilled. i tried to think of every other possible option for footwear and finally gave in. the fact is, when it comes to smelly old people and their bodily fluids while doing clinicals in the hospital, i really don't want to worry about ruining pair after pair of perfectly accent coordinated nikes. crocs i can rinse off and wear only on shifts. its practical. and let's be honest, the only time anyone can ever hope to carry off crocs is when wearing scrubs. so crocs it is, well at least until i'm done with the icky part of direct patient care! it was a sad, sad day indeed!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

one hundred eighty nine

call me insightful...
call me dense for taking so long to figure it out...
i've come to the conclusion that balance is truly worth seeking in this crazy life of mine.
and i've noticed a pattern...
approximately two weeks into a semester,
and approximately one week before finals,
i am a hot mess.
i think it's because 2 weeks into new classes i begin to grasp the entirety i am attempting to accomplish in 16 weeks,
and a week before finals i realize that no amount of time in the world could possibly make me feel secure in my academic abilities that will soon need to be proven and on display.
so i stress.
and i worry.
and i get a little crazy.
ideally i would anticipate these impending freak outs and plan for them.
but i'm known to be a little bit compulsive.
and driven.
and straight up stubborn.
so instead i run until i hit the wall and have a breakdown.
then i feel bad that i couldn't hold it together and the cycle of negativity keeps on spinning.
and it usually ends in something i regret doing.
and feel guilty for.
and end up having to confess in therapy.
there are lots of possibilities.
take your pick.
today was one of those breakdowns in which i felt overwhelmed.
and burnt out.
i was pondering the fact that i would need to pay for school next semester because i took too many classes in a 12 month period and used more than my allotted scholarship amount.
is nothing to be commended of over achievement?!
and then i started thinking about how much i just didn't want to go to school anymore.
i could graduate with my BS in psych next semester but then i wouldn't be getting my BS in nursing.
as easy as that seems,
and as sick of school as i am,
i know i want my BSN and would regret not taking the time to get it.
but i want it now!
i just want them both right now, okay?!
call me indecisive.
call me demanding.
call me insatiable.
there's no negating the fact that when it comes to getting what i want,
patience is in a state of nonexistence.
i was on the phone with my cute dad,
who is mr. "remember your #1 priority is school" and i totally had a melt down.
thank goodness i was in the car because i was straight up sobbing and would have been really embarrassed to be seen in public.
i just couldn't hold it together anymore.
i'd been trying to decide what to do next semester for the past few weeks but nothing seemed like a good plan of attack.
do i really spend the money if i don't really want to go?
do i take a semester off so that i can come back dedicated and refreshed?
i deserve a break.
i've completed 66 credits in 12 months and it's just about killed me.
a break would mean having to wait until jan 2010 to even apply for the nursing program and even then it's no guarantee i got in.
decisions, decisions...
well believe it or not,
a decision was made.
and it was actually a good one!
i've decided to go to school next semester but to only to take one class.
human anatomy's my last prerequisite before applying for the nursing program and even though i won't be on track to have all of my psych major done before starting nursing like i'd planned,
it will save me from needlessly waiting another year before application,
it will keep me in school without paying a full load's worth of tuition until my scholarship kicks back in in january,
and i won't be so stressed or burnt out!
and if i don't get into the nursing program i will have that entire next year to finish up my psych stuff before reapplying for nursing without the stress of trying to do everything at once.
i've been looking forward to taking anatomy since my first semester back and i'm excited to be able to take it and concentrate on getting a good grade in it without stressing over a bunch of other classes.
i think the best part is that it's a balanced way of looking at things.
i tend to lack that in my daily life.
i was so set on either taking a 17 credit course load or just not going at all and it totally doesn't need to be like that!
it feels good to figure it out.
and it feels good to have a breakdown over things every once in a while.
the more i refuse to give in,
harder on myself i am when it inevitably happens.
but when i allow it to happen,
i feel so much better when it's done!
in combination with
moderation, conservation, and a little less self depreciation.
and that my friends feels like a good place to be.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

one hundred eighty eight

the caterpillar story:
for abby! :)
one day alisa, alexander, jaxon and i were playing at the park. we were playing in the sand and alexander found a caterpillar! he named him fred and brought him to play all over the park. in the mean time i found another caterpillar and named her lula mae (after audrey hepburn's holly golightly's character in breakfast at tiffany's). i kept trying to have jaxon hold lula mae but every time she started crawling on him he would freak out and shake her off of his arm! it must have been a reflex or something... it was hilarious! alex was nice enough to take fred over to the giant twisty slide and allow fred to take his turn down the slide first. when alex could no longer see fred he went down the slide himself. bad idea buddy. alexander gets to the bottom of the slide and can't find fred anywhere! he turns his back toward me and i spot unfortunate little freddy- stuck to the back of alexander's shorts! he was still wiggling a little bit and i didn't want to touch the semi smooshed caterpillar so i had alex take him off of his shorts and "somehow" fred ended up crawling home to his momma caterpillar in the bushes bordering the playground. we "couldn't find fred" before we left so we took lula mae home with us instead. i remember catching caterpillars in hawaii when i was in kindergarten and having them turn into beautiful monarch butterflies and really wanted lula mae to metamorph at well! so we made her a little home (thanks to alisa) and i went home for the night. the next morning i showed up to check on lula mae and was informed that we somehow "mixed up" the caterpillars and actually brought fred home instead. apparently alex was very upset that we forgot fred at the park! alex did a great job of checking on fred and giving him fresh sprinkles of water every day and a few days later we were thrilled to see that "fred" had turned into a cocoon! a few weeks after that we were checking on him and fred had become a butterfly!

but the story doesn't end there! we were so excited to see that fred the butterfly had emerged and immediately took him outside to fly away but he wouldn't fly! he just sat on his branch and wouldn't move so we left him outside all morning, hoping that we would check on him and find that he had flown away. no such luck. at one point he fell to the bottom of his make shift cage and i was thinking "how anticlimatic- catch a caterpillar, watch it's metamorphasis, and then the dumb thing dies. how disappointing!" jason came outside to see how we were doing and i signed to him that i thought fred might be dead. jason is an animal lover through and through (the man was petting and talking to the limp cat i ran over) and refused to believe fred was dead. he took fred out of his cage and suddenly fred stretches his wings twice and flies off into the backyard! jason and i were so excited to see him fly and were talking to alex but watching fred when all of a sudden alex starts bawling the saddest little cry ever! "come back to me freddie!" "i didn't want him to leave us yet!" "he was my pet butterfly!" "will you come back to me once you go visit your family?" it was so sad and the cutest thing i've ever seen! he spend the rest of the day watching for fred out of the windows and telling us all about how fred would come back to us.
and to this day every time alex sees a butterfly he says "i saw fred! he says hello to me!" unless its a pure white one, in which case he is always the first to inform us that "that's fred's grandma, she is going to tell fred where we are!"

the end! :)

Sunday, July 6, 2008

one hundred eighty seven

perhaps i'm attempting to make up for my lack of posts while i'm gone, but i feel the need to document my public acknowledgement of the fact that i am an overpacker. it's true. admitting it is the first step, right? i'm packing for powell and am trying to only take the essentials, but am worried and convinced that i will end up there without something i need. therefore, i overpack. and my luggage becomes burdensome and i spend the trip thinking "why did i bring all of this stuff i don't need?" and i get irritated every time i take something out of my bag because i then need to repack the entire thing. lame! i'll be gone for 6 days on a lake- not at a cruise or at a club or somewhere that multiple wardrobe changes are expected, so how many tank tops, shorts, sweats, hoodies, jeans, swim suits, towels, etc are comfortably necessary? i may never know...

one hundred eighty six

i'd just like to hear your voice
and pretend to see,
any inch of you that hasn't said it all,
or read it all, or
sung my life away.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

one hundred eighty five

what a great weekend.
-tell me, tell me- what did you do to celebrate this year?

-i had so much fun starting with NSL festivities, my parent's neighborhood breakfast, heather's bbq, sugarhouse fireworks, hitting hobbitville, the numerous party hopping, attempting to iceblock, swimming at rob's, etc...

-here was my favorite ecard in commemoration of the holiday:

-really though, i'm so grateful to be a part of such a wonderful nation. i'm not saying we're perfect, every country has it's problems, but in spite of that, i am so proud to be an american! i love having the freedom to live my life the way i see fit, to be free of persecution for the things i believe in, and to feel safe in knowing that i trust 100% in the principles our nation was founded on. i even love the cheesy songs. more than anything, i love seeing a holiday in which masses of people who see themselves as being so different from one another find a way to gather together and celebrate on common ground...even if it means on blankets at sugarhouse park as fireworks are flying, someone is blasting mariachi music, country music is instumentally playing in the background, and the man next to me starts passionately singing the star spangled banner at the top of his lungs! for reals, God bless the USA! :)

-this may be a wee bit inappropriate to post online, but whatevvvs. i thought it was hilarious. i'm sitting in the car on the way to rob's when jason gets a call from him and says "we're on our way, we just needed to pick alana up. she was getting a brazillian." he hangs up and i say "did alisa tell you that?" he says "huh? no, why?" i just laughed because what were the chances of him saying that? that's totally what i was busy doing this morning! and he really had no idea!

-i forgot to take my contacts out last night and my eye really hurts today. bummer.

-the best week of the entire year starts on monday and i could not possibly be more excited! i heart lake powell!!!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

one hundred eighty four

today's text:
it's 93 degrees,

raindrops the size of gumballs are pounding my freshly washed car,

and i somehow found it insanely poetic to drive around with my sun roof

wide open.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

one hundred eighty three

on my way out the door:
-thank goodness for the genius that thought up central air
-the common tag line of "i can't, i'm mormon" is the dumbest thing ever. abstain due to personal choice for personal good, don't hide behind a religion banner and act like your arms are tied.
-i have a good 200 pages of bio-organic chemistry to read today and have just realized i will be out of town for not one, but two exams. whoops.
-i also get to spend my 21st birthday taking 2 finals. nice. i'm stoked. not.
-i get to see my cute fam in a few minutes and it is definitely the best part of my weekend. i loves them lots!
-vh1 is highlighting hampton's parties and they are simply out of control! $4,800 magnums of cristal... enough said.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

one hundred eighty two

i have been a major slacker on the blog updating. i apologize. i think it's contagious as of late- maybe it's the fabulously warm weather that's keeping us all away from the computer? who knows. well here's the update:

-i'm still consumed by school. i'm hurrying to finish up with my cna so i can have all of august off to play until fall semester starts. school is still kicking my butt but it's not as overwhelming as it was in the beginning. thank goodness! i constantly remind myself that i do the best i can and that will just need to suffice (funny, that theme has been popping up all over my life as of late!).

-i need to get through next week at school and then have an entire glorious week at lake powell. i have never been more excited in my entire life. i'm bummed meekes can't come, but i will think of her while i pull some sick tricks on the wakeboard! yeah! :)

-i'm still nannying for the fabulous fox family and am so grateful spend time with such a loving and straight up FUN family! yesterday they played Kings and Knights:

-i finished my black and white photography class 2 weeks ago and enjoyed it immensely. of course i needed to shoot the boys! i got an A in the course, thanks to their naturally photogenic faces and adorable personalities! and thanks to alisa allowing her children to be followed by a poparazzi like photographer! here are some of the favorites of alexander:

-we also had a catepillar adventure in the past few weeks, but that's a post of it's own!

-i went up to brighton a few times in the past few weeks and am always astounded at the simplicity of renewed faith and love i feel every time i'm there. what an amazing place.

-meekes and i hiked the lake blanche trail this morning and it was GORGEOUS. but patrick- 1.5 miles? no freaking way! we didn't budget enough time and didn't end up getting to the lake in time to come back to SLC on time, so we will need to plan a bit better and try it another time for sure. it was straight up the mountain and killer but insanely beautiful. "the water is amazing; it's SO worth it; keep hiking!" was the line told to us on our way up and on our way down i used the line on fellow hikers who assumed we had made it to the top and were on our way down. i thought i was freaking hilarious! haha good times with meke. i'm so glad she's back here! :)

-season 1 of gossip girl comes out on august 19th and i'm uber stoked! xoxo!

-i need to blow dry my hair before going to tyler's party so this concludes today's update, but i hope you're all happy and healthy, and enjoying the sunshine! i'm convinced all i need to survive in life is a healthy dose of sunshine and summertime! :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

one hundred eighty one

i have some hilarious friends. today i would like to spotlight gabriel. what have i done to merit his hilariousness?! between the exclamations of "you're my personal jesus!" and random janet jackson lyrics posted on my myspace page at 3 am, i could not find myself a funnier friend. he is such a sweetheart, gossips with me about boys, tells me to "rock those bangs girl" and that "i would marry you... if i were straight... or if you were a gay male." what the?! he sends random texts to me while i'm in class and not supposed to be on my phone and they always elicit the most forbidden form of laughter, but i can't help it! he asks ridiculous questions like "why do poor people always wear cotton polyester blends?" "should really fat girls bother to get all dressed up for things?" and "have you noticed that asians are always really weird?" newsflash gabey baby, i AM one of those asians! but i agree that we're weird so i didn't take any offense! haha then there was the one night i received a text saying "please call me asap! my phone is dying so call me at this number..." and being the good friend, i promptly and dutifully call the number. it connected me to the sex addicts anonymous hot line of columbus, ohio! the answering machine explained what the support group was all about and then asked me to leave my name and number so they could get back to me with more information about meeting times! who does that?! i love that he too loves country music and relishes in the perfect chanel gloss for spring. we're perfect for each other- except for the fact that he's gay. but he's the best a girl could ever ask for! i heart my gabe! :)

Saturday, June 14, 2008

one hundred eighty

yet another post in which no tale tells all...
it begins and ends with the age old:
it's a small world after all.
and as much as i'm laughing out loud in a empty house by myself,
my heart is pounding.
funny how i just posted about being over him,
and yet it feels as though my heart has just been ripped out.
what a small world indeed.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

one hundred seventy nine

after hours of deep thought i came to the conclusion:
you're just not meant to be with me.
every time there's a mistake, you leave.
i may be suffering under my smile,
but i'm better off alone for a while.
cause i don't belong there-
you're so different from me.
i wanted to be with you but you made it so hard.
so don't try to hold my hand,
and don't try to understand.
don't tell your lies,
i know them all by now.
you said you love me,
but did you love her less than this?
i can tell by those "i love you" kisses you gave her in front of me.
i don't even want this anymore.
so don't hit me with the phrase that "it's all gonna be okay."
i was in love with the idea of being me and you,
but in reality you're too different from me.
so don't tell me your lies.
we've been over this a hundred times.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

one hundred seventy eight

i'm taking a black and white photography class and yesterday i discovered the most beautiful photograph i have ever seen.we all know the story of marilyn monroe. we have seen the bombshell facade, recognize the pictures, heard the stories. but through the lens of richard avedon we suddenly see through it all. the glitzy dress, perfect hair, and flawless makeup can't hold a candle to the striking moment of insecurity and raw vulnerability expressed through the instant shutter of a camera. it entrances me to look at this and see a picture of norma jean instead of the usual fabricated marilyn because at some point in life i think we all feel the same way. the surge to succeed, the "fake it till you make it" mentality- after a while it catches up to you, you didn't see it coming, and it hits you like a ton of bricks. on some bizarre level i find human err to be incapacitatingly beautiful (yes, i have derived my own version of the word incapacitate).

my assignment this week is to photograph portraits of those i know, those i love, those who share intimate moments of life. and i can't help but feel that i don't want to shoot those 36 exposures of 35mm to be filled with smiling posed facades. its just generic. think about it- when do we take pictures? at weddings, birthday parties, family gatherings, other holidays... people pose and put on big cheesy grins and stand in ridiculous postures with the intention of looking 10 lbs thinner or showcasing their "best side." i want to look through my lens and see authenticity. i want to capture both the ecstatic bliss and crippling heartache of getting up and living every single day. i want to capitalize on those instants in someone's life that only i can capture, the side that a professional stranger could never shoot. i want to accentuate the fact that within every single image, there is always something else. i think that's where the passion of photography contains it's very essence, and it is the most captivating, inspiring, romantically timeless thing i have ever experienced.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

one hundred seventy seven

i have learned a priceless lesson-
thou shall not eat room mate's left over mystery pizza.
here's how the last 36 hours played out:
jen's out of town and i was grabbing a hoodie.
i see half a pizza in the fridge and grab a slice.
you see, i like cold pizza better than hot pizza.
well, i don't have a clue what was wrong with it,
but within a half hour i started feeling pretty nauseous.
bad news!
i still had another 4 hours of class and had to walk out twice!
it only got worse after i got home.
you know how people are convinced that you feel better after throwing up?
this was not the case my friends.
and it sucked.
i can tell you the last time i threw up.
september 4, 2005.
and i hated it!
so it's been over a day and i'm still feeling a bit green.
no fun at all.
especially since i was so excited to move into my house this weekend!
i have ventured around my bedroom a little to do some light packing,
but i assure you this-
no pizza for awhile.
and no leftovers-

Thursday, May 22, 2008

one hundred seventy six

[for future reference]
if you are ever so desiring a few days of 100% miserable weather,
just have me wash my car!
for reals,
my car has been washed once, maybe twice, all winter
(the padre just couldn't stand the filth a moment longer and took it to get washed himself).
this is an intentional lack of exterior car cleansing because without fail,
the day after i wash it...
it rains.
not just drizzles, but a total downpour inevitably ensues.
so maybe if i don't wash it anymore we can get the sunshine back?
worth a try, huh?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

one hundred seventy five

who would have thought sum 41 could inspire me so?
i know it needs to be done.
that it's the right thing to do.
my heart breaks with every syllable,
yet i apparently have nothing to lose.
through it all i've made my mistakes,
i stumble, i fall,
but i mean these words.
and i want you to know
that with everything,
i won't let this go-
cuz these words are my heart and soul.
i'll hold onto this moment, you know.
i'm bleeding here,
my heart and my soul.
please let me just let go.

Friday, May 16, 2008

one hundred seventy four

so... i need stop saying "i'm really happy right now and feel like i'm in a good spot with things in my life." i'm starting to think that content, peaceful feeling is really just the calm before the storm and the precusor to a breakdown...

but in better news, i got to play outside with alex and jaxon today and it was pretty much the highlight of my entire week. it was beautiful weather and they're beautiful- it's impossible to decide if they are most beautiful on the inside or the outside because they are entirely amazing! their family's been the greatest blessing in my life and i am so grateful for them! i heart the fox den!!! :)
ps... feast your eyes on this pic of jason fox rocking out! just kidding, it's not, but i totally think it looks like him! hahahahahahahahaha

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

one hundred seventy three

this year's catchphrase is "summer: 08 can't wait." i agree, especially when i look at the gargantuan amount of reading i need to do in the next 11 weeks! see the above textbooks? yeah, meet my life... classes started yesterday and i am always so anxious for the first week! it's like it's my first day on campus or something, but it's clearly not! i'm like a little kid who's scared to go into classes by themself and not know where to sit or what the professor will be like or if i'll make friends or not. how silly is that?! i think the most frustrating part is knowing that there's no legit reason to be so anxious, but not being able to stop myself from feeling that way! lame. whatevvs... i know i can do it! i just need to remind myself that it's okay to be intimidated but that i am fully capable of doing well in these courses! and i'm going to rock them! :)

Sunday, May 11, 2008

one hundred seventy two

happy mother's day to all of my favorite moms!

dear sherla,
you won't like the stuff dad picked out but don't return it because it'll hurt the kid's feelings okay? even though we almost never get along, you're still my momma and i love you with all of my heart! can we still go to lunch even though we disagree on the main moral points of life? i'm sorry you're sick today, but i am going to buy your present when dad gets home from church and gives me his visa. you'll love it. just wait!

alisa rae,
your card seriously made me cry! don't say those words to me!!! hahaha thanks for being such a great friend to me and allowing me to be a part of your family. i have learned SO much about the kind of mother i want to be through watching you and your boys. no amount of ice cream in the world is worth the memories we've amassed together!

britta, brie, and kate,
as cliche as it sounds, your positive example and pure drive for life today is the best gift you could ever give to your children and your experiences aren't anything to ever be ashamed of. they only give you more to draw from when helping your children through the struggles they face in life. i am so proud of you and am in awe of such dedication to another person. let's be honest, i'm a little selfish at this point in my life but hopefully i can be as selfless with my children one day as you are with yours.

lesley, janae, sarah, and molly (even though she doesn't have a blog),
thanks for being such wonderful examples of how a fabulous group of women can love, play, and work together with families in tow and have such strong friendships to show for it. thank you for being so caring and supportive of me through all the years! i treasure our friendships more than you know. and could you all have possibly had any cuter kids?! geez!

hannah is already the bomb.com and will be the best little brightoneer EVER! i can only imagine her as a little camper! haha you are so cute with her! thanks for being such a great example to me!

hailey hailey hailey,
go get em tiger! haha you are SUCH a darling mom with berlin and jamison and they are so lucky to have you! you've got to be one of the most rocking moms i know! i will always look back on those YW memories of hanging out, going shopping, and basketball/volleyball with fondness thanks to you! i still can't walk by bebe without thinking of you! i miss you hails! HRS and band practice! haha

anyone i may have missed,
WAY TO BE A MOM! the fact that your child is still alive pretty much means you are a competent parent, so congrats! haha extra congrats if your child is an adorable dog like rockstar!!! yes abby, i'm thinking of you (and shlee and t)!

all the non moms-
let's enjoy it while it lasts!!!
have a fabulo day! :)

Saturday, May 10, 2008

one hundred seventy one

i was feeling the need for a sassy little change and nikki was thrilled. the result? 4.5 inches shorter (as she chopped i couldn't help but cringe) and some fun new bangs. i dig 'em! i don't think i've had bangs since junior year of high school so i'll need to get used to them in the next few days, but overall, i'm a fan! as usual, i feel compelled to check them out from every possible angle and style, hence the mirror shot! haha anyway, i just figured i'd share my latest hair fetish... alisa thinks it makes me look way chinese, but the guy at the field house this morning still guessed that i was hawaiian(even though i'm not), so hopefully my look hasn't changed too much...? either way, whatevvvs!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

one hundred seventy

okay, so I'm gonna say it.
i'm not afraid to say it.
the clocks on my wall keep ticking
with the moments that I keep missing
okay, so I must confess that
i've settled for less under the guise that "i'm fine,"
but i'm done taking my life just one day at a time.
life's too short and quickly passing by-
so i'm gonna make the most of what is mine.
i've got so much to discover:
a hand I could lend another,
a word that could bring some healing-
is there any better feeling?
hold up,
i wanna see the beauty-
pause now,
so i can let it move me.
i wanna be simply here in the now
cuz i'm done missing out!
with eyes open wide,
i'm taking it in.
making the time mean all that it can.
i don't need a sign-
i just need to begin.
so with every second of every minute
i'm livin' in it - and.that's.how.i.say.it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

one hundred sixty nine

it is a commendable trait to be certain-
some choose to see the best in others.
i guess i'm not one of them.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

one hundred sixty eight

so in the midst of my cramming, my little brother bursts into my room and tells me that i need to watch the music video spoof he did with his friends this weekend. its freaking hilarious that they took the time to choreograph, film, and edit it all! my bro is obviously the one who looks like he has freshly immigrated from cambodia... and i'm trying to figure out why they thought it'd be cool to walk in circles on giant rubber tires, but whatevs! check it-

ps...shawnee, yeah that's zac! what a small world! haha enjoy!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

one hundred sixty seven

last night was darling sunny's wedding and she was beautiful!!! i loved being able to see some of the fabulous brightoneers and spending some time with meeks- geez i miss that girl! shout out to loni for graduating this month! YEAH! haha so i was chatting with CB for a moment and she commented how she enjoys reading my blog... i don't know why, but i'm always a little taken back to hear people say that because in my head i assume that no one really reads this, and i therefore post all kinds of crazy ponderings and frustrations and epiphanies. it's like a random journal that others are welcome to quench curiosity with. am i kind of scatterbrained sometimes? yes! but we do the best we can, and that's all you can ask for! :) i'm sure many of them make no sense to people, but i figure, if it's what i'm thinking, i'll post it! after all, it is my blog, right?! so to those of you i confuse, i'm sorry! but for those of you who keep on reading, thanks! i hope it gives you at least a chuckle every now and then! i'm off to jenna's soccer game, and then studying for my chem final, but i hope you all have a fabulous weekend! enjoy the sunshine! :)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

one hundred sixty six

where oh where did my beautiful spring sunshine go?? remember how it's almost may at this point? i know there's the whole "april showers bring may flowers" schpeal, but snow?! what's the deal??!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

one hundred sixty five

i know i go all crazy when i get stressed out with school,
but today was beautiful and i feel the need to recognize that!
otherwise i feel like all i post is downer blog posts and that's so not me!
i'm doing precisely what i want to be doing in my life right now
and i need to be more aware of that fact and find time to enjoy it!! :)
so other than complaining about school, and efforts against relapsing into one thing or another,
i want to say:
-we are STILL obsessed with photo booth and we loves it!
-i'm moving saturday-ish and am thrilled to be on my own again. this time away from the confines of utah county.
-sun exposure has a positive correlation with my mood. i'm serious! let me lay out for a few hours and i am a one happy camper!
-the smell of clean laundry makes me inspired to clean everything in sight.
-i need to do some shopping at ikea and want to know if anyone wants to join me for an afternoon?
-steve inspires me to play my guitar again, but with finals, that's about where the inspiration ends!
-i'm still deciding on my plans for summer... and i'm totally torn...
-this morning i hit up kneaders before class for some amazing french toast and my chem book wasn't nearly as good of company as friends are, but it did just fine
-my little sis made me feel so good when she said that she missed hanging out with me. i know it's cuz of studying but i didn't think she actually noticed so it was cool to hear that she did.
-rockstar is definitely my girl becuase as i type this, she is out on my deck sunbathing! seriously- on her back, sprawled out, eyes closed, serious sunbathing!
-i'm going to grab some study guides and join her!
-hooray for warm weather!!! :)

Monday, April 21, 2008

one hundred sixty four

for the record, i'd trade my handbag and shoe collections for a pair of pointe shoes any day.
[just don't tell my stilletos]

Sunday, April 20, 2008

one hundred sixty three

a is for amazing, for the life i strive to live.
b is for boys and the games they live to play.
c is for seeing through you.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

one hundred sixty two

a ditty on choices...
you pretend to be so stuck and helpless,
yet are making decisions EVERY single day.
maybe you don't want to be making them, but the fact is that you are making them.
don't complain about the consequences because it was your direct choices that caused them.
don't make excuses for a life that you are choosing to do nothing with.
only you can choose to change that.
it's called amibition.
try it sometime.
don't say you don't know how to fix this.
we all know you've been given the tools but are just choosing not to implement them.
don't call and brag about how sick you are under the guise of undesired medical attention.
what's with the games?
don't fish for attention and pity.
it gets old.
don't choose a lifestyle according to the approval of others.
its completely fake.
don't blame your lack of company on the fact that others have moved past wanting to sulk at home every weekend.
if you have no desire to change, there's nothing we can do so we might as well spend our time on something more productive.
let us know if one day you change your mind-
for real this time.
don't assume things that you won't take the time to question and allow that assumption to be the basis of your pushing people away.
if you are going to use us as an excuse for your own lack of motivation,
don't be surprised when it gets back to us.
way to be judgemental.
i'll be honest, it hurts.
but ps, you're wrong.
don't once again twist the truth into a personal pity party.
it's not an excuse to act out self destruction and blame it on others.
life is hard.
its supposed to be.
don't whine about how its so much harder for you than anyone else,
because i don't buy it.
not even for a second.
there's a time and place to run and hide.
you have far passed that point.
its time to be truly accountable for once.
and its time to grow up.