Tuesday, December 30, 2008
The kind that give me movado watches for christmas,
The kind with abs so hard they could be used to wash every piece of fabric on earth and not show a sign of wear and tear,
The kind that are absolute self absorbed pigs yet leave me breathless and fluttering with every interaction.
There's no denying that I love me a good looking man.
Well this week I have discovered a new favorite.
The final semester doctorate student who has decided to study chiropractics and save my back,
But has also single handedly saved my vision through his delicious good looks.
He's smart, funny, and has a jawline chiseled by god himself!
Suddenly my neck has been absolutely KILLiNG me and I have a funny little feeling that I may 'need' to go in to the chiropractor a bit more often than I used to-
Say, oh... 3 times a week?! ;)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
She's the little ray of sunshine.
But there's been a mistake
And the light's leaking from her eyes.
She's getting lost in her head
And its dark in there
Thrown between vicious riptides of
Whirling strands of thought.
Disoriented and nauseous,
She's getting tangled in there
But every attempt of extrication
Seems to further tie her down.
Its that web like a spider's web,
The kind that's made of silver light trapped shadows,
But spun by regret and shame and doubt.
And though by the moonlight it spreads
Capturing any opportunity that nightfall provides,
In the day its getting harder
To fight her way out.
Monday, December 8, 2008
-i moved into my parentals new place. I'm sharing a room for the first time in my life and I love it! Its like shlee and I get to have a slumber party every night! :) we decided to make one of the family rooms into our bedroom and its giant and we love it and we affectionately refer to it as 'the studio.' Super trendy, and fun, and freaking cute too!
-i thought roxy broke her leg last week and I was such a mess! She kept limping and would lie down so she didn't have to walk on it and it made me so sad! She has been improving and ended up just having a bad sprain so that's a relief. She's still cute as ever and snugging with her is still my favorite thing in the whole entire world!
-i'm still working at university and its a good time. My coworkers are hilarious! Oh update! I have started wearing blue scrubs... Yes, caution status blue. They're free from the hospital and everyone wears them so I might as well blend in. They will never be my favorite though!
-i'm also still working at the treatment center and wow things have been crazy. Going out to dinner on saturdays, rec night outings on tuesdays, and emotional breakdowns galore. More documentation than ever imaginable, late night jam sessions, and the strangest boundaries ever conceived. Never a dull moment!
-i'm thrilled the snow has held off...until this morning! But naturally i'm hoping for a white christmas so I guess I have to be okay with the snow coming sometime!
In conclusion, i've had a bunch of ups, a few downs as well, and a whole lot of sleep deprivation, but all in all I have incredible family, friends, and opportunities, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I hope you're all having a fabulous holiday season and know that if you ever need someone to go christmas shopping with- i'm your girl!
Loves to you all.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
tagged me, so here we go:
1. Post rules on your blog
2. Answer the six '8' items (i personally think it should be 8 "8" items, not 6.)
3. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving them a comment
8 Favorite TV Shows
1. gossip girl
2. one tree hill
5. the simple life
6. code blue
7. america's next top model
8. anything on discovery health
8 Things I did yesterday
1. got off of a grave shift at university
2. took a shower
3. went to work at LEA
4. cooked corn
5. went bouncing at classic
6. drove a 12 passenger van
7. ran a drug test
8. went back to sleep!
8 things I look forward to
1. trimming the tree tonight
2. christmas shopping
3. playing with rox
4. christmas parties
5. movie nights and rio with shlee
6. getting my LEA raise
7. more christmas shopping!
8. eventually finishing school
8 Favorite Restaurants
2. cafe rio
5. red mango (does that count?)
8. cheesecake factory
8 Things on my wish list
1. true religion sweats
2. knitted fold over uggs
3. old fashioned flannel pjs!
4. a cute boy for the holidays :)
5. i don't know...
6. honestly, i have everything i want.
7. maybe that sounds bratty but im acknowledging the truth.
8. and im grateful for it so i think its okay to admit it!
8 People I Tag
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Here's what I think of being fearless- to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots and lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your first day of high school. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think its fearless to stop believing them. Its fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what other people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...that's fearless too. But no matter what life throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because at the end of it all, it all comes down to love. Loving someone else, and most importantly, fearlessly loving yourself. Am I fearless yet? No. But I'm fearlessly on my way to becoming so.
Here's what I think of being fearless- to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots and lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your first day of high school. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think its fearless to stop believing them. Its fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what other people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...that's fearless too. But no matter what life throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because at the end of it all, it all comes down to love. Loving someone else, and most importantly, fearlessly loving yourself. I'm I fearless yet? No. But I'm fearlessly on my way to becoming so.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
and i've been tagged by the briester.
so here goes nothing:
1. link to the person who tagged you.
2. mention the rules on your blog.
3. tell 6 unspectacular quirks about you.
4. tag 6 fellow bloggers and link to them.
5. leave a comment on the 6 bloggers you tagged letting them know they've been tagged.
i don't drink tap water. it sicks me out. the exception to this is when i'm at a restaurant, but it has to have mucho ice so i can't taste the chlorination and such. but at home, i think i'd rather die of thirst than drink water from a sink faucet.
i am fond of numbers that are multiples of three. especially even numbers which are multiples of three. let's just chalk it up to ocd and call it good, mmmkay?
i have many opinions but often don't care to share them. i know what i believe and feel no need to prove their validity to anyone else. i'm not for heated debates. you have your opinions and i have mine. and i respect our differences.
peppermint ice cream is one of my all time favs, but only if it's the pink kind. i'm sure the blue peppermint tastes just the same but i just don't like it.
i love bad weather. storms, clouds, wind, all of the above. it makes for perfect weather to curl up in bed with hot chocolate and a good book. i devour good novels. once started, i won't stop reading till i finish the very.last.page.
i'm known to answer my phone in the middle of the night or respond to a text and have no recollection of it the next morning. there's always an anxiety ridden moment as i check my outgoing texts/recent call list to find a correspondence i don't remember having. but my friends find it hilariously amusing so i guess i have that going for me!
and anyone else who would like to participate!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
you got 3 hours of sleep because you just did a 12 hour graveyard shift at the hospital putting together 50 IVs and their proper tubing but are totally in a good mood about it - the boy just cancelled tomorrow night's date but you're not devastated in the slightest - your parents are moving and their new house has a pool (!) - you smile every time you look at your adorable kate spade bag because of its pink and white polka dots - you feel perfectly in place wearing bubble gum pink scrubs while everyone else is in the trademark light blue (i can't wear those, it reminds me of being on caution so that color has forever been ruined for me!) - kate winslet and leo dicaprio are finally reuniting to do a gut wrenching oscar worthy drama and you feel no shame in admitting that you are dying to see it when it's released in december - you stop on the side of a random highway to take a rockin picture on a particularly cloud strewn day - you haven't seen your t in 3 weeks, have another 12 to go and are only slightly apprehensive - you have the absolute coolest mentee ever and love going on fun passes with her - you haven't practiced a certain negative coping mechanism in over 3 months - you often feel compelled to write something amazing on the guitar but find yourself laughing over the inspired nothingness that has been gleaned over the past hour of your life - you happily spend your morning in the windy pouring rain in order to catch the few fleeting moments of bliss across your brother's face as he scores the sole 2 goals at his high school lacrosse game before #1 ranked bingham slams the lofty skyline eagles out of the sky - that no matter the weather, it's a beautiful day and no amount of bad drivers on the freeway can change your mind!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
i know, i've been a major slacker on the blog front. here's an update of what's going on in my life:
•i really did take the semester off from school and it feels fabulous!
•i am working at a residential treatment center for adolescent girls and i love it. the girls are awesome, my co-workers are fabulous, and after one short month i'm already getting a promotion! yeah! :) sometimes its kind of weird to think that i'm a care tech but guess what, i love it and i'm good at it so i think it's okay!
•i'm also working in same day surgery at university hospital. it's long hours and lots of running back and forth but i'm having a blast! i love wearing my cute scrubs and working in the hospital. i've wanted to do that for so long.
•since i'm no longer a full time student i no longer get the benefits of my parental's medical insurance and that kind of stresses me out so send healthy vibes my way! gracias gracias.
•having more time to play with rockstar has been the biggest perk of my little break. we love going running, out on hikes, to the dog park, and snuggling in bed. she's still s a s s y as ever and i loves it!
•my eyes are almost healed but still a bit cloudy from the scar tissue. my corneal specialist thinks the scarring is too deep for lasik, they'd have to take out too much healthy tissue to clear out all of the scarring, but i still have another 6-9 months to wait before i can have the official evaluation for it. hopefully things will continue to slowly improve...
•i'm currently obsessed with red mango. it is the most deliciously delectable frozen yogurt EVER. add fresh mango and i am in heaven! anytime, anywhere- i'm there! for realsies, i go at least 3-4 times a week.
•yesterday alisa found out that she's having a boy and i'm so excited for her! 3 little fox boys, what could possibly be cuter than that?!
•i'm craving a little yorkie and already have the perfect name for her. coco chanel! and i'd get her a chanel collar! uber cute! rox may be a little jealous at first but she get over it. love, peace, and chanel baby! :)
•i'm freezing. already. and it's barely october. bad news bears!
•but on the majority of my days i can honestly say that i'm happy. and that's the best part of my entire little story. the end!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
-there is something hilarious about watching your dog chase it's own tail. it doesn't matter how many times i've seen it before, it's still just as funny!
-there is something about working out so hard that you're shakey all over and it hurts to breathe. it's one of my favorite feelings in the world.
-there is something instantly satisfying about having lunch with a friend and talking for hours about absolutely nothing at all.
-there is something frustrating about the object of your infatuation losing it's grip on you. as much as you're ready to move on, sometimes you wish the facination would never end.
-there is something effortlessly delightful about playing with a puppy. i dont mind getting up in the morning as long as i wake up with rox snuggled up with me.
Monday, September 8, 2008
darling 3 year old Austin was just diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia and is in for the fight of his life. he was just admitted to primary children's medical center last week and will need a lot of blood transfusions over the course of his treatment. we're meeting up at ARUP blood services (near the U) this saturday morning to donate in his name and would LOVE if you could come donate too! when ARUP runs short on blood donations they are forced to purchase needed blood from outside sources and the cost ends up being paid by the family. by donating blood it helps to ensure that his family can have blood available free of charge.
-bring a picture ID.
-it just takes 30 minutes.
-one donation can save up to 3 lives.
-we'll be there at 9am but stop in at any time!!!
-let me know if you need any more info!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
because i really want to be that kind of person someday...
Sunday, August 31, 2008
The most amazing person in the world,
sometimes on back order,
everybody loves her and wishes to be her friend.
No guy can resist!
(ie: Darn my Alana isn't coming till thanksgiving.
Man i wish i was alana.
I love Alana!)"
no really! its true!
check it out for yourself,
and then go see what your name means!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
second, this is my two hundredth post! instead of posting two hundred things you'd never want to know about me, i'll just post the random ones that happen to come to mind:
-pear yogurt is my favorite. strange but deliciously true.
-i'd rather die than have to wear a sleeveless polo shirt.
-i find something inherently trashy about posing for a picture with an alcoholic beverage in hand. i don't care if it's a glass of dom or a straight up bud lite, just don't do it.
-same goes for attaching things to your car windshield/dashboard. it declass-ifys your mercedes to the status of a ford.
-i like crunchy fruit- apples, pears, etc... the crunchier the better.
-you'll never catch me wearing an anklet or more than 2 rings on one hand. i'd feel too much like a gypsy.
-i secretly like katie perry's "i kissed a girl" song. i hate the message of trendy bisexualism but love the hook of the chorus and the lyrics are catchy.
-although i know the masses flock to MAC with unwavering devotion, i am willing to stand alone in saying that Chanel cosmetics is where it's at.
-ginger ale is my favorite soda.
-i've never attended a college football game.
-even as a dancer, the rhythm of playing the drums on rockband somehow elude me every time. i'm horrible! my brothers find it hilarious.
-i love maple and brown sugar malt-o-meal. it's kind of like cream of wheat but so much better.
-my grandfather used to make me eat salted grits for breakfast as he told stories of eating them in the war.
-i'm finally reading the 6th and 7th harry potter books. please don't spoil my belated suspense by ruining anything about future story events!
-i'm allergic to ibuprofen. and bees. and gold.
-i'm precisely 11 months younger than my best friend. today she turned 22. the last 30 days are my favorite of the entire year because it means we're the same age.
-i am an avid glasses wearer until my eyes are cleared for contacts again. and i hate it. but at least they're kate spade. and they came in a bright pink case.
hope you're having a good weekend!
loves to you all.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
1. What do you want right this minute? perfect eyesight
2. If you were a boxer, what would your ring name be? magenta electra
3. Would you rather be perfect from the waist up or the waist down? dude. both.
4. Would you rather meet Oprah or Ellen? i heart oprah, but i think ellen is way more personable, so ellen, i choose you!
5. Have you ever had Gonorrhea? negatory on that one. nast.
6. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like? as long as they are low rise hanky panky thongs, they will due just splendidly. but my current fav is a pair of teal ones. super cutie.
7. What’s one thing you’re afraid of? the dark. how ridiculous, i know. but i am super paranoid ever since ryan mcqueery decided to stop in! this needs to end. pronto.
8. If you could be reincarnated as someone/something, what would you pick? i'd love to be reincarnated as the 9 foot tall chinese man. i can't even imagine what life would be like at that height. but the next day i'd jump off a bridge so then i could be reincarnated again. i'd love to spend a day as something different until i tried them all and decided what i liked best.
9. Who is your least favorite actor? kirsten dunst drives me crazy. can't stand her.
10. Do you ever have recurring dreams? i rarely dream at all. sad but true.
12. Do you like reality TV? yuppers, but not as much as GG and OTH! monday night baby! yeah!
13. Are you happy right now? i'm actually pretty content. i'm sure i've been better but i've definitely been worse so i can't complain! :)
14. Would you rather have a salad or a burger? gardenburger por favor
15. What would you do if you were locked in a room with your worst enemy for 3 days? try to sleep the 3 days away and pretend the person wasn't there.
16. Were you popular in high school? i've yet to meet a person that would actually respond yes to this question, and yet 99.9% of parents would immediately say their child was one of the most popular kids in school. funny huh?
17. What did you want to be when you were little, and did you follow that dream? i wanted to be a pop star. didn't quite work out...
18. What’s one of your favorite quotes? "the definiton of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
19. What is one of your weaknesses? spending money. often impulsively. heck, sometimes compulsively! i'm a spender and i know it. and i love it. they've always said to turn weaknesses into strengths, so i buy really nice clothes! ;)
20. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full? i think i'm pretty optimistic, but i agree with brie, if it's half full of boost, then it's way too full for anyone's good! haha
i feel like i should have post this on a myspace bulletin instead. it doesn't seem like a blog kind of thing... whatevvvvs... ciao.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
i have an awesome life- for the most part. but some things just bug and i need to vent because i promised my therapist i'd journal before i did anything destructive. why journal here and not on my private blog? because i just went to a freaking treatment reunion last night and feel bad about not being honest when i'm struggling with things. dang it! so here's what's on my mind:
rant #1: my anxiety is out of control.
you would think it would be better now that i'm out of school and have made the decision not to go back at all next semester but it's not. i am a freaking basket case and feel like i'm going insane. i almost didn't go to clinicals one morning because i was to anxious to walk from the chair i'd fallen asleep in to my car because i'd have to go through the garage out to my car in the driveway and it was still dark out. yesterday at the ED conference shindig i was so anxious about getting up from my seat to go to the bathroom that i almost wet my pants. for reals. who cares if you get up to go to the bathroom?! apparently in that moment i cared immensely.
rant #2: i am lacking a treatment team.
my dietitian no longer works at cfc, which is fine since i haven't seen her for over a year anyway, but there's a sense of security in knowing she was there if i ever needed help and now that security is gone. i haven't seen a psychiatrist in my life except for dr. ellis at cfc because i'm totally opposed to them (not for other people, just for myself) and their pill subscribing happiness. i didn't really need one because during the time that i accepted the fact that i may be in need of a little medication i was able to get them through my pcp. her office screwed me over and so now i don't have a doctor either. so i finally set my pride aside and got a referral for a psychiatrist and don't you worry they can "squeeze me in" near the end of october. thanks folks, super helpful.
rant #3: i am blind.
not truly blind but i fear i am getting there. my eyes have been getting red and irritated with my contacts and it was about time for a new prescription so i didn't think it was weird that things were all blurry or that my eyes were starting to water frequently. maybe i had allergies? what was weird was that i found myself unable to be in bright light- especially outside in the sunlight without dark sunglasses on. my eyes were too sensitive. i know that i'm chinese and squinty already, but this was like super squinting and even then i couldn't see! bad news. so i go in to my opthamologist after having to pull off on the side of the freeway while driving up a canyon because i couldn't even see to drive and am told i have not one but two nifty ulcers in my right eye and maybe some forming on my left eye. wtf?! i didn't realize eyes could even get ulcers! congratulations fount of knowledge, indeed they can. the scary part is that even after you get them to heal, they will leave permanent scars on your cornea. i'm trying to be chill but i'm not gonna lie, it totally scares me. i really don't want to go blind at 21. so my eyes are red, i'm walking around my house with the lights off and blinds closed, and i still have sunglasses on. bummer. the worst was being at cfc yesterday and having to explain it to everyone who assumed i either had pinkeye (gross, i've never had it, but gross), was crying all day long (probably because recovery is such an emotional endeavor to be talking about), or was straight up stoned (thank you nicole hawkins). obviously i can't wear contacts and i can't drive because i can't put my sunglasses over my regular glasses and so i'm essentially homebound with the eyesight of a mole. fantastic.
rant #4: my mother is insanely triggering to me.
most people have triggers like a pair of pants fitting snuggly (and dude that sucks!), or celebrity photos in magazines or movies. although none of those made me feel like parading in downtown SLC wearing a string bikini, i have discovered that nothing makes me more emotionally volatile than my mom. that sucks because i love her and i love being with my sibs, but the more i'm around her, the more unbalanced and detrimental my life becomes. we got in a big fight last night and she took the key to her house off of my key ring, and told me to never come back. who says that to their child?! i'll be honest, i was thinking of employing some pretty negative coping mechanisms and it made me so mad because i had just come from cfc where i felt so grounded and content. it blows my mind how she can affect me so quickly and intensely. i didn't feel like fighting with the thoughts in my head so i just went to bed. sometimes that is my saving grace. just going to sleep so things can't bother me anymore. so with my dad working all the time, my room mate being gone till next week, and no longer being welcome at my parent's house (according to sherla) (nor do i have a key to it), i feel totally lonely! at the same time all i want to do is isolate. no bueno, but i know that this is a situation only i can get myself out of so we'll see how the day progresses...
rant #5: i took the semester off to relax and i'm already overbooked.
i got a job at a treatment center for adolescent girls and i'm stoked. i don't know if i ever really thought i'd be in a healthy enough place to work as a tech, but i strived for it and all of a sudden here i am. i submitted applications all over because i didn't want to depend on just one job and then not get hired. so then i get a call from the U hospital offering me a position in their same day surgery unit. i told them about my other job offer and they said they would give me hours that wouldn't conflict so i said yes. this is wonderful news because i am insanely in debt and would really like to be able to keep my car (not that anyone can really afford to be driving around with gas prices as high as they are) and i need all of the hours i can get so i don't need to feel so stressed about money. i'm trying so hard to be an adult and not have my dad pay for things. i appreciate his help but i've gotten myself into this mess and it's my responsibility to get out of it. so i may be working insane hours, graveyard shifts at the hospital, etc... but hopefully it will put me in a better place by the time i go back to school in the spring.
rant #6: recovery's still hard sometimes.
i left treatment a long time ago and at this point i have a hard time being patient with results. i feel like i've totally put in the work and seen some results but i want it all to just go away for good. sitting in that conference yesterday i was thinking about my recovery and what pieces of my eating disorder i still secretly hold on to. i don't want to be holding on to any of it. i thought of a few that had perhaps been in the back of my mind, and maybe i just wasn't ready to admit them yet, but now i'm looking forward to bringing them up in therapy and working on them and getting rid of them. it was so great to see everyone at the reunion. there were a lot of people i didn't know, but enough that i did know and it felt good to know that we all share in a common struggle and can support each other through it. i have come so far from where i was when i went into treatment and i'm proud of myself, but sometimes i still worry that it isn't far enough. i feel like i need to verbalize everything i feel about recovery because if i step back for even a second i will go right back to my ED. it terrifies me. some days i feel so content in where i am in recovery, but there are still those days that i want nothing more than to go back to it. why? why do i get so far and then have the urge to sabotage it all? i felt so motivated and inspired while surrounded by so many courageous women. i felt so powerful- that together we truly could do anything. so why is it almost 2pm the day after, in a house all alone, and all i want to do is starve?
hey melissa- was this honest enough for you?
Sunday, August 10, 2008
even though the majority of my waking hours were spent logging countless hours in buildings on campus- lectures, labs, and review sessions galore- i still had some great times this summer. i love summer! but for reals, i will never do a summer semester again. there's too much to do during summer break and not enough time to do it all!
here are some of the highlights: i stuffed 8 pieces of week old pizza down the disposal and apparently that's no bueno. it definitely broke the disposal. i made jen try plunge it at 2 in the morning and had to hurry to snap this picture before she stopped plunging. various profanities ensued after she realized i was able to capture this, albeit blurry, picture. hil.ar.i.ous!
i've been able to see anna lots this summer and it's been delightful! we've had so much fun going to dinner, having movie nights, going on double dates, etc... she's the best other half i could ever hope to have! please notice jake's grinch face in the background.
we hung out lots with tyler and jake. backyard bbqs, mini golf, projector movies under the stars, and much discussion of nielson's frozen custard. delish!
we went to the secondhand serenade concert and it was freezing. good, but freezing. jake insisted that a super bright star was a satellite but had to concede after it stayed in the same place for the entire night, that it could not be a satellite. we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and just say his satellite/star mistake was due to the fact that it was his first night in new glasses and his eyes were still getting used to the change in visual perception. whatevs! haha
i hit up lake powell in july and got in some sweet jumps on the wakeboard. it was the highlight of the summer. i look forward to this one week all year long. it's so beautiful down there! it blows my mind!
shlee and i hit the pool and had backyard swim parties so that oakley and rox wouldn't feel left out of our sunbathing rituals! if sunbathing was a offered at the u, i would major in it! for reals.
anna took me to chilis for lunch on my birthday. and made the servers sing to me. and got it on video. and i was embarrassed and have to check everyday to see that she is not following through with her threat to post it on facebook.
we hit lagoon last week and riding the rides together made me think of her senior trip to orlando. good times. "merry christmas, welcome to florida!" haha i just love this girl!
i was set up with my DDF meke's cousin kasey for their family tradition of cousin date night last week saturday. it was a blast. i was uber proud of our aladdin puzzle. what can i say? we're pro. last night we met up with some of his buddies and their dates to play sand volleyball, have a fire in his backyard and make smores. classic. the best part- he is a country music fan. enough said! :)
sunshine and summertime.
what more could i ask for?!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
here's the responses, maybe you were there for some of them and it can prompt some laughter in your life:
-alisa: "wow- nose piercing, new years, what if!"
-ali: "merry christmas, welcome to florida!!!" :)
-britta: "u bringing pink hangers 2 the center. i remember u standing there all confident about ur pink stuff! B"
-brie: "what if questions!"
-jen: "don't take my glasses, i can't see without my glasses!" "who's that crazy girl?!"
-katie: "connect 4"
-katherine: "getting my ear pierced and you taking all those damn pictures! scratch that. i think it was walking bridal veil falls with trace and jen. or one of our trips to red robin. or superbowl sunday."
-rachel: "when we got lost in the ghetto in california. and mike disney."
-savannah: "when i said you didn't have to pretend that everything was okay and that you could talk to me anytime. it was somewhere along those lines."
-hiccup: "my favorite memory is when we had that awesome long talk that night up at brighton."
-jessie: "us coming up with our own dances on the side :)"
-trina: "no one can top almost capsizing- soaking you and your scriptures and your ipod and going to church in a see through white skirt. that was great!"
-spencer: "the time we went to the dance together and everybody was getting drunk except for us. good times..."
-marie: "ruined ipod and wet dresses. :-D"
i think it's so funny to think of these memories as the first ones to pop into someone's head! tell me, what's the first thing that pops into your head when you think of us?!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
in the catholic church all mortal sin is absolved only through the sacred act of confession.
and although i've never been in a cathedral for mass,
i can only imagine what that priest would say:
stay away from the drinks,
keep your clothes on,
try avoiding those that will tempt you to stray...
so on the eve of my 21st birthday
i'd be willing to hear his sermon
if he'd grant me just one birthday wish-
but unfortunately those priests you call "Father"
apparently don't play the role of genie as well...
let the countdown begin.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
they say to take a risk.
they say to fight for the things i want in life.
they say to take a stand.
they say to let it go.
but it gets to a point when things go on for too long and enough is enough.
i come to my senses and realize that i deserve better.
mid kiss last night the thought pops into my head,
that he will never be one to tell me what he wants,
to push for what's important to him,
to just be a man.
he's too selfish for those thoughts.
and that's okay.
it's pretty much the biggest turn off of my life.
i come to the abrupt conclusion that that boy will do whatever i say,
and that takes all the fun out of it.
the passion was gone and the moment was d r a g g i n g,
so i stop kissing him and walk away.
it feels final.
and it feels good.
because i've been there and done that,
and feel no sense of loss
when thinking of how that was the last time my lips will ever linger on his.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
call me dense for taking so long to figure it out...
i've come to the conclusion that balance is truly worth seeking in this crazy life of mine.
and i've noticed a pattern...
approximately two weeks into a semester,
and approximately one week before finals,
i am a hot mess.
i think it's because 2 weeks into new classes i begin to grasp the entirety i am attempting to accomplish in 16 weeks,
and a week before finals i realize that no amount of time in the world could possibly make me feel secure in my academic abilities that will soon need to be proven and on display.
so i stress.
and i worry.
and i get a little crazy.
ideally i would anticipate these impending freak outs and plan for them.
but i'm known to be a little bit compulsive.
and straight up stubborn.
so instead i run until i hit the wall and have a breakdown.
then i feel bad that i couldn't hold it together and the cycle of negativity keeps on spinning.
and it usually ends in something i regret doing.
and feel guilty for.
and end up having to confess in therapy.
there are lots of possibilities.
take your pick.
today was one of those breakdowns in which i felt overwhelmed.
and burnt out.
i was pondering the fact that i would need to pay for school next semester because i took too many classes in a 12 month period and used more than my allotted scholarship amount.
is nothing to be commended of over achievement?!
and then i started thinking about how much i just didn't want to go to school anymore.
i could graduate with my BS in psych next semester but then i wouldn't be getting my BS in nursing.
as easy as that seems,
and as sick of school as i am,
i know i want my BSN and would regret not taking the time to get it.
but i want it now!
i just want them both right now, okay?!
call me indecisive.
call me demanding.
call me insatiable.
there's no negating the fact that when it comes to getting what i want,
patience is in a state of nonexistence.
i was on the phone with my cute dad,
who is mr. "remember your #1 priority is school" and i totally had a melt down.
thank goodness i was in the car because i was straight up sobbing and would have been really embarrassed to be seen in public.
i just couldn't hold it together anymore.
i'd been trying to decide what to do next semester for the past few weeks but nothing seemed like a good plan of attack.
do i really spend the money if i don't really want to go?
do i take a semester off so that i can come back dedicated and refreshed?
i deserve a break.
i've completed 66 credits in 12 months and it's just about killed me.
a break would mean having to wait until jan 2010 to even apply for the nursing program and even then it's no guarantee i got in.
well believe it or not,
a decision was made.
and it was actually a good one!
i've decided to go to school next semester but to only to take one class.
human anatomy's my last prerequisite before applying for the nursing program and even though i won't be on track to have all of my psych major done before starting nursing like i'd planned,
it will save me from needlessly waiting another year before application,
it will keep me in school without paying a full load's worth of tuition until my scholarship kicks back in in january,
and i won't be so stressed or burnt out!
and if i don't get into the nursing program i will have that entire next year to finish up my psych stuff before reapplying for nursing without the stress of trying to do everything at once.
i've been looking forward to taking anatomy since my first semester back and i'm excited to be able to take it and concentrate on getting a good grade in it without stressing over a bunch of other classes.
i think the best part is that it's a balanced way of looking at things.
i tend to lack that in my daily life.
i was so set on either taking a 17 credit course load or just not going at all and it totally doesn't need to be like that!
it feels good to figure it out.
and it feels good to have a breakdown over things every once in a while.
the more i refuse to give in,
harder on myself i am when it inevitably happens.
but when i allow it to happen,
i feel so much better when it's done!
in combination with
moderation, conservation, and a little less self depreciation.
and that my friends feels like a good place to be.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
but the story doesn't end there! we were so excited to see that fred the butterfly had emerged and immediately took him outside to fly away but he wouldn't fly! he just sat on his branch and wouldn't move so we left him outside all morning, hoping that we would check on him and find that he had flown away. no such luck. at one point he fell to the bottom of his make shift cage and i was thinking "how anticlimatic- catch a caterpillar, watch it's metamorphasis, and then the dumb thing dies. how disappointing!" jason came outside to see how we were doing and i signed to him that i thought fred might be dead. jason is an animal lover through and through (the man was petting and talking to the limp cat i ran over) and refused to believe fred was dead. he took fred out of his cage and suddenly fred stretches his wings twice and flies off into the backyard! jason and i were so excited to see him fly and were talking to alex but watching fred when all of a sudden alex starts bawling the saddest little cry ever! "come back to me freddie!" "i didn't want him to leave us yet!" "he was my pet butterfly!" "will you come back to me once you go visit your family?" it was so sad and the cutest thing i've ever seen! he spend the rest of the day watching for fred out of the windows and telling us all about how fred would come back to us.
and to this day every time alex sees a butterfly he says "i saw fred! he says hello to me!" unless its a pure white one, in which case he is always the first to inform us that "that's fred's grandma, she is going to tell fred where we are!"
the end! :)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
-tell me, tell me- what did you do to celebrate this year?
-i had so much fun starting with NSL festivities, my parent's neighborhood breakfast, heather's bbq, sugarhouse fireworks, hitting hobbitville, the numerous party hopping, attempting to iceblock, swimming at rob's, etc...
-here was my favorite ecard in commemoration of the holiday:
-really though, i'm so grateful to be a part of such a wonderful nation. i'm not saying we're perfect, every country has it's problems, but in spite of that, i am so proud to be an american! i love having the freedom to live my life the way i see fit, to be free of persecution for the things i believe in, and to feel safe in knowing that i trust 100% in the principles our nation was founded on. i even love the cheesy songs. more than anything, i love seeing a holiday in which masses of people who see themselves as being so different from one another find a way to gather together and celebrate on common ground...even if it means on blankets at sugarhouse park as fireworks are flying, someone is blasting mariachi music, country music is instumentally playing in the background, and the man next to me starts passionately singing the star spangled banner at the top of his lungs! for reals, God bless the USA! :)
-this may be a wee bit inappropriate to post online, but whatevvvs. i thought it was hilarious. i'm sitting in the car on the way to rob's when jason gets a call from him and says "we're on our way, we just needed to pick alana up. she was getting a brazillian." he hangs up and i say "did alisa tell you that?" he says "huh? no, why?" i just laughed because what were the chances of him saying that? that's totally what i was busy doing this morning! and he really had no idea!
-i forgot to take my contacts out last night and my eye really hurts today. bummer.
-the best week of the entire year starts on monday and i could not possibly be more excited! i heart lake powell!!!!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
-thank goodness for the genius that thought up central air
-the common tag line of "i can't, i'm mormon" is the dumbest thing ever. abstain due to personal choice for personal good, don't hide behind a religion banner and act like your arms are tied.
-i have a good 200 pages of bio-organic chemistry to read today and have just realized i will be out of town for not one, but two exams. whoops.
-i also get to spend my 21st birthday taking 2 finals. nice. i'm stoked. not.
-i get to see my cute fam in a few minutes and it is definitely the best part of my weekend. i loves them lots!
-vh1 is highlighting hampton's parties and they are simply out of control! $4,800 magnums of cristal... enough said.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
-we also had a catepillar adventure in the past few weeks, but that's a post of it's own!
-i went up to brighton a few times in the past few weeks and am always astounded at the simplicity of renewed faith and love i feel every time i'm there. what an amazing place.
-meekes and i hiked the lake blanche trail this morning and it was GORGEOUS. but patrick- 1.5 miles? no freaking way! we didn't budget enough time and didn't end up getting to the lake in time to come back to SLC on time, so we will need to plan a bit better and try it another time for sure. it was straight up the mountain and killer but insanely beautiful. "the water is amazing; it's SO worth it; keep hiking!" was the line told to us on our way up and on our way down i used the line on fellow hikers who assumed we had made it to the top and were on our way down. i thought i was freaking hilarious! haha good times with meke. i'm so glad she's back here! :)
-season 1 of gossip girl comes out on august 19th and i'm uber stoked! xoxo!
-i need to blow dry my hair before going to tyler's party so this concludes today's update, but i hope you're all happy and healthy, and enjoying the sunshine! i'm convinced all i need to survive in life is a healthy dose of sunshine and summertime! :)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
it begins and ends with the age old:
it's a small world after all.
and as much as i'm laughing out loud in a empty house by myself,
my heart is pounding.
funny how i just posted about being over him,
and yet it feels as though my heart has just been ripped out.
what a small world indeed.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
you're just not meant to be with me.
every time there's a mistake, you leave.
i may be suffering under my smile,
but i'm better off alone for a while.
cause i don't belong there-
you're so different from me.
i wanted to be with you but you made it so hard.
so don't try to hold my hand,
and don't try to understand.
don't tell your lies,
i know them all by now.
you said you love me,
but did you love her less than this?
i can tell by those "i love you" kisses you gave her in front of me.
i don't even want this anymore.
so don't hit me with the phrase that "it's all gonna be okay."
i was in love with the idea of being me and you,
but in reality you're too different from me.
so don't tell me your lies.
we've been over this a hundred times.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
my assignment this week is to photograph portraits of those i know, those i love, those who share intimate moments of life. and i can't help but feel that i don't want to shoot those 36 exposures of 35mm to be filled with smiling posed facades. its just generic. think about it- when do we take pictures? at weddings, birthday parties, family gatherings, other holidays... people pose and put on big cheesy grins and stand in ridiculous postures with the intention of looking 10 lbs thinner or showcasing their "best side." i want to look through my lens and see authenticity. i want to capture both the ecstatic bliss and crippling heartache of getting up and living every single day. i want to capitalize on those instants in someone's life that only i can capture, the side that a professional stranger could never shoot. i want to accentuate the fact that within every single image, there is always something else. i think that's where the passion of photography contains it's very essence, and it is the most captivating, inspiring, romantically timeless thing i have ever experienced.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
thou shall not eat room mate's left over mystery pizza.
here's how the last 36 hours played out:
jen's out of town and i was grabbing a hoodie.
i see half a pizza in the fridge and grab a slice.
you see, i like cold pizza better than hot pizza.
well, i don't have a clue what was wrong with it,
but within a half hour i started feeling pretty nauseous.
i still had another 4 hours of class and had to walk out twice!
it only got worse after i got home.
you know how people are convinced that you feel better after throwing up?
this was not the case my friends.
and it sucked.
i can tell you the last time i threw up.
september 4, 2005.
and i hated it!
so it's been over a day and i'm still feeling a bit green.
no fun at all.
especially since i was so excited to move into my house this weekend!
i have ventured around my bedroom a little to do some light packing,
but i assure you this-
no pizza for awhile.
and no leftovers-
Thursday, May 22, 2008
if you are ever so desiring a few days of 100% miserable weather,
just have me wash my car!
my car has been washed once, maybe twice, all winter
(the padre just couldn't stand the filth a moment longer and took it to get washed himself).
this is an intentional lack of exterior car cleansing because without fail,
the day after i wash it...
not just drizzles, but a total downpour inevitably ensues.
so maybe if i don't wash it anymore we can get the sunshine back?
worth a try, huh?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
that it's the right thing to do.
my heart breaks with every syllable,
yet i apparently have nothing to lose.
through it all i've made my mistakes,
i stumble, i fall,
but i mean these words.
and i want you to know
that with everything,
i won't let this go-
cuz these words are my heart and soul.
i'll hold onto this moment, you know.
i'm bleeding here,
my heart and my soul.
please let me just let go.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
you won't like the stuff dad picked out but don't return it because it'll hurt the kid's feelings okay? even though we almost never get along, you're still my momma and i love you with all of my heart! can we still go to lunch even though we disagree on the main moral points of life? i'm sorry you're sick today, but i am going to buy your present when dad gets home from church and gives me his visa. you'll love it. just wait!
your card seriously made me cry! don't say those words to me!!! hahaha thanks for being such a great friend to me and allowing me to be a part of your family. i have learned SO much about the kind of mother i want to be through watching you and your boys. no amount of ice cream in the world is worth the memories we've amassed together!
britta, brie, and kate,
as cliche as it sounds, your positive example and pure drive for life today is the best gift you could ever give to your children and your experiences aren't anything to ever be ashamed of. they only give you more to draw from when helping your children through the struggles they face in life. i am so proud of you and am in awe of such dedication to another person. let's be honest, i'm a little selfish at this point in my life but hopefully i can be as selfless with my children one day as you are with yours.
lesley, janae, sarah, and molly (even though she doesn't have a blog),
thanks for being such wonderful examples of how a fabulous group of women can love, play, and work together with families in tow and have such strong friendships to show for it. thank you for being so caring and supportive of me through all the years! i treasure our friendships more than you know. and could you all have possibly had any cuter kids?! geez!
hannah is already the bomb.com and will be the best little brightoneer EVER! i can only imagine her as a little camper! haha you are so cute with her! thanks for being such a great example to me!
hailey hailey hailey,
go get em tiger! haha you are SUCH a darling mom with berlin and jamison and they are so lucky to have you! you've got to be one of the most rocking moms i know! i will always look back on those YW memories of hanging out, going shopping, and basketball/volleyball with fondness thanks to you! i still can't walk by bebe without thinking of you! i miss you hails! HRS and band practice! haha
anyone i may have missed,
WAY TO BE A MOM! the fact that your child is still alive pretty much means you are a competent parent, so congrats! haha extra congrats if your child is an adorable dog like rockstar!!! yes abby, i'm thinking of you (and shlee and t)!
all the non moms-
let's enjoy it while it lasts!!!
have a fabulo day! :)
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
i'm taking it in.
making the time mean all that it can.
i don't need a sign-
i just need to begin.
so with every second of every minute
i'm livin' in it - and.that's.how.i.say.it.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
ps...shawnee, yeah that's zac! what a small world! haha enjoy!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
but today was beautiful and i feel the need to recognize that!
otherwise i feel like all i post is downer blog posts and that's so not me!
i'm doing precisely what i want to be doing in my life right now
and i need to be more aware of that fact and find time to enjoy it!! :)
so other than complaining about school, and efforts against relapsing into one thing or another,
i want to say:
-i'm moving saturday-ish and am thrilled to be on my own again. this time away from the confines of utah county.
-sun exposure has a positive correlation with my mood. i'm serious! let me lay out for a few hours and i am a one happy camper!
-the smell of clean laundry makes me inspired to clean everything in sight.
-i need to do some shopping at ikea and want to know if anyone wants to join me for an afternoon?
-steve inspires me to play my guitar again, but with finals, that's about where the inspiration ends!
-i'm still deciding on my plans for summer... and i'm totally torn...
-this morning i hit up kneaders before class for some amazing french toast and my chem book wasn't nearly as good of company as friends are, but it did just fine
-my little sis made me feel so good when she said that she missed hanging out with me. i know it's cuz of studying but i didn't think she actually noticed so it was cool to hear that she did.
-rockstar is definitely my girl becuase as i type this, she is out on my deck sunbathing! seriously- on her back, sprawled out, eyes closed, serious sunbathing!
-i'm going to grab some study guides and join her!
-hooray for warm weather!!! :)
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
its supposed to be.