Monday, January 11, 2010

two hundred sixty five

Here I sit, on time (for almost the first time in my entire life), waiting for the first class of the semester to commence. I've been at work since 5:30am and am ever so uncomf as I look around at my darling peers- hair all done, big star jeans, and affliction tees- as they make friends with their neighbors. Not surprisingly, I sit here, not making eye contact, texting on my blackberry as I sit alone in my navy scrubs. Welcome to my life.

I've been thinking a lot lately and I have totally been a downer, which is lame-o even in the most positive light. I think about what's been going on in my life and figure its time for a less cryptic update. I am who I am and sometimes things straight up suck, and I guess that's okay as long as I'm willing to be honest about it. So here goes...

The holidays were lots of ups and downs. I moved out with my friend charlotte the day after thanksgiving and have been having a blast. I'm seriously like 2 minutes from my family's house so I can go home whenever and let rox stay there and play with oaks while I'm working. I like paying my rent and budgeting money for utilities and acting like a legit adult. I'm a dork, but I've embraced it. :)

My dad moved out a few days after I did. I felt like it was my fault for setting off the chain of events, but I know its not. I needed to do what was best for me and not worry about care taking everyone else in my fam. I still see them lots and definitely think I made the right choice. My dad moved back home on christmas eve but I'm just waiting for him to leave again. Its not my problem to fix, nor do I have the ability to, so I try to just accept things for how they are and know that I'm not the cause of anyone's misery.

After doing a food log for N for a while I went back to seeing a dietitian. Her name's jessica and I think I'd really like her if it wasn't for the fact that she's my dietitian and I think she hates me. I was supposed to go once a week and went every few weeks for a little while because apparently I couldn't see N unless I was seeing J. Whatevs.

N also gave me an assignment from back in the inpatient days. I needed to re-do my list of 50 things I want in my life. On my previous list I listed stupidly hopeful stuff like founding a charity and who knows what else... It was obviously not a life changing collaboration, being that I don't remember what I wrote down. As far as I was concerned, I just needed to list 50 random things so I could phase advance. This time around I have other worthwhile tasks to fill my days with and decided I would do it for real if I was going to do it at all. I said I wouldn't come back to see her until I had finished said list because I am an achiever and there's no way I was going to show up and say I was unsuccessful at completing my task. That was several weeks ago... I've been a bit of a debbie downer upon realizing that in trying my hardest, there aren't 50 things that I want in my life. For reals. Only 5 of them can be material things and those were the only easy ones to come up with. I think about my list every day and am up to 32 things. I'll post them once (if) I reach 50. At that point I'll also schedule to see N. I really miss her. But until then why go see J if I'm not seeing N anyway.

I finally met with my bishop on sunday. I've done some dumb stuff that needs to be fixed but it feels good to not be hiding from it anymore. And that always brings relief. :)

Over the break from school I became preeeeetty crafty and have loved it! I finished a scarf that I attempted to start 5 years ago. It ended up being way cute and I was so proud of myself! I gave it to Loni for Christmas since the yarn was originally bought with her in mind. :) I'm almost done crocheting a pink and grey fuzzy scarf for my sister, L. I'm also planning on finally making a quilt (thanks to Ivy!) from all of the designer denim I had to get rid of after treatment but can't bear to give or throw away. I'm super excited about it! AND I made my first batch of cupcakes! All by myself! And they didn't burn or make anyone sick or anything! Funfetti for zeke's last day working with us in same day and they were delish! :D

There are still lots of things that I need to fix in my life but at this point I'm trying to simply take life one day at a time!

Ciao bellas.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

two hundred sixty four

Something always brings me back to him,
It never takes too long.
Hold me without touch,
Keep me without chains.
Set me free, leave me be,
I don't want to fall another moment
S was my gravity.

I would pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.

C's my good time cowboy casanova.
Looks like a cool drink of water but is candy coated misery.
He gives me feelings that i don't want to fight
I'd better run for my life.

Storybook endings,
Fairy tales coming true,
Deep down inside I want to believe they still do. It's my favorite part of the story.
All I'm looking for is my happily ever after.