two hundred ninety one

spring semester has finally come to a close and i couldn't be happier to spend my summer doing all of the things i have forgotten to have loved. i'm thrilled to spend my days at the pool side whilst reading classic novels and trashy gossip mags alike. i'm delighted at the prospect of hiking on a whim with my little rockstar by my side. i'm exhilarated to plan my days off by not having plans at all. i want to finish my recovery quilt. i want to build a glass bubble chandelier. i want to do more with my visual journal. the only hinderance to these blissful activities is the monumental pull of staying snuggled in my covers. i could never cheat on my bed, i just love it too much! in order to be happy i need to actually do the things that make me happy. that is what my summer goal is, to spend every bit of my time doing something that makes me happy! today's happiness included deep cleaning my house, repainting a set of bathroom shelves to be a happy summer yellow color, planting tomato seeds, planting asters, painting my nails, snuggling with rox, and hanging out with my family. it has been productive but simple. it's the simplicity that brings me happiness. let's do more of the things that make us happy. what a spectacular concept! happy mother's day!

two hundred ninety

hello all,

i need to get better at blogging, even if just for my piece of mind.

today's topic? creating your life.

so many of my friends are getting married, beginning a new life together, and have spent years dreaming of what said life would contain. it makes me wonder what my life will hold. even more so, it makes me wonder what i WANT my life to hold. i'm not dreaming of buying a fixer-upper with my husband and getting into paint fights as we slowly create the environment in which we build our memories of a home. i'm not interested in cooking soggy yet burnt casserole concoctions of whatever is left in the pantry and watching devotion manifested through attempts to hide a cringe with every bite. i want to build my surrounding structure without waiting for someone to fall into my life and fix it for me. i want to harness the ability to secure something substantial and free standing without depending on someone else. i want to discover these things for myself so that when this magic man happens to cross paths with mine we can accent our lives together with 1000 thread count bed sheets and perfectly paired turkish cotton towels. to enjoy the splendor of nuance that comes with knowing that i'll never settle.

too often i find myself sitting around waiting for the time for my life to happen- for the pieces to just "fall into place"- but then i realize that i'm in the middle of that time and that the pieces won't find a place until i make them a place. and i'm going to do just that.

happy wednesday.

two hundred eighty nine

At times I get caught up in existential anxiety and forget who I am. Sometimes it's just for a minute, but that minute is scary. And I need to remind myself that I know exactly who I am.

My name is Alana. I am 23. I have a good heart. I have hope for true change in the world. I have an obsession with dark wash denim. Sunshine on my skin is rejuvenating to my soul. Snugging is my all time favorite past time. I sleep on a thousand pillows and feel safe when I'm haphazardly buried between them. I know my family will love me no matter what. I know I am a daughter of God. I adore dressing according to the season (and accessorizing too). Watching torrential thunderstorms makes me feel calm inside. If I could do one thing for the rest of my life it would be wakeboarding. I try to do one scary thing every single day. I'm an adrenaline junkie with crippling anxiety. I'm learning to accept my limits one day at a time. I am grateful to have discovered that every day is a fresh start into the unknown and that its entirely up to me to decide what I'll do with that precious time.

At times this may be all I know. But in those moments I can also know that this is enough...

two hundred eighty eight

Love is louder than hate.
Love is louder than pain.
Love is louder than fear.

I love to love the things love is capable of doing.

one hundred eighty seven

I know I get frustrated, discouraged and experience a multitude of other emotions when it comes to recovery. Sometimes I feel left out that I can't dabble in societal Ed the way most people in the world can. I get jealous of how others can go to the gym every day without getting so caught up in it that they suddenly find that their entire week has been spent on a treadmill. I feel excluded from the girl talk of diet sensations and I get pissed off that my roomie can just leave a scale in the middle of the bathroom floor without getting to a place where the number it flashes becomes your next fix.

But at the end of the day I keep doing what I'm doing because I know its right for me. I know that most people live in a distorted society because they don't know any better and that I'm fortunate to be aware that I don't need to be confined to those unrealistic standards of perfection. I know that hours logged at the gym does not correlate with the success of my day as a decent human being. I can have conversations with friends about real things that actually build relationships instead of talking about petty diets that are ultimately in place to make everyone feel guilty enough about their flaws to set new starvation resolutions until they all meet again. I know that it doesn't matter what the scale says, I will always HATE it, and that I don't need to torture myself by always seeking its approval. Sometimes I have ice cream for breakfast while still in bed because it is a simple pleasure in life. And sometimes I have a snack just because I can- because it is okay to be a little reckless and not overthink everything and remember that there are more things to life than having an eating disorder.

one hundred eighty six

There's a certain kind of person I choose not to associate with.

Sure, I'm cordial,

but not much beyond polite.

Do I feel bad?

Absolutely not.

And I'm still a good person.
Peace out.

two hundred eighty fve

I am a predictable mass of contradictions.

I'm the quiet nerd with a secret life as an outspoken, witty human being.

I walk through school, clumsily graceful, with eye avoiding self-confidence.

I whisper flambouyant greetings to friends I have never met.

I wear flip-flops, a skirt, and an old faded t-shirt.

I drive around with the music up and the sunroof open on the rainiest of days.

I am a pristine mess,

a mismatched fashion plate with hot pink fuzzy socks.

I am an intelligent idiot,

a procrastinating perfectionist,

a musician who dreams of never being heard.

Im a gloomy optimist,

a rebellious star patient,

a good girl with a bad attitude....

I am the nerd at a rock concert and the rocker at the symphony.

The Beastie Boys sit next to Bach in my CD collection.

I baby my parents and drive myself to the park to swing on the swings....

I am a practical romantic,

a clear-thinking flake,

an airhead with a good memory.

Im promptly late and lazily busy.

I am a southern Anglophile in suburban Utah,

an old-fashioned woman of the future

and an artist who cant draw.

I am the silent commentator.

I get the jokes, but can't make them.

Im an observer who wont look at people and a show-off who shuns attention.

I am a tongue-tied linguist and a studious slacker.

Im a fan who misses every game and a socialite without a social life.

i am an oxymoron.