Its interesting to me to think of all the stereotypical ways we compensate for our perceived inadequacies in our everyday lives. The big girls date skinny guys. The short guys buy giant trucks. I am always feeling my worst on days I look perfect.
Sometimes I feel stuck between the facades of attempting to be who I dream of becoming, being the person every parent envisions their child being, and simply being my ever imperfect self. I wish the masks didn't have to clash...
But on the other hand, today I look absolutely flawless.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
two hundred sixty seven
I'm still shocked that it happened, but I somehow discovered 50 things that I want in my life! Go me! :D Some of them may be silly, but they all mean something to me and that was kinda the whole point of the assignment! Obviously, the material things were WAY easier to think of, but it feels good to have been able to come up with a list that's all my own. I said I'd post them, so here goes:
50 things alana wants in her life:
1. Black Mercedes G500 with 21 inch chromes
2. House boat at bullfrog on LP
3. Own a house
4. Bachelors degree
5. Masters degree
6. To be a mom
7. Have a healthy marriage
8. Supportive, dependable friends
9. Be content with the progression of my life
10. Tan on the beach in greece
11. Wine tasting in italy
12. Ice skate at Rockefeller square
13. Ability to fast for the right reasons
14. Peace and balance in my spirituality
15. Own my car (title and all)
16. Stability & consistency in daily life
17. Confidence in who I am
18. A hot body
19. A hot husband!
20. Speak italian
21. Play the piano
22. Pick on the guitar
23. Write songs on my guitar
24. Dance in a healthy way
25. Volunteer in a foreign country
26. Go hang-gliding or sky diving
27. Make a recovery quilt
28. Financial security
29. Balance with productivity
30. Get married in the temple
31. Recover from my ED without becoming a blimp
32. Truly be an intuitive eater
33. Have a Mastercraft ski boat
34. Shop for my wedding dress with my bff
35. Actually complete a legit college writing assignment (they terrify me)
36. Chat with friends on the steps of the Met
37. Spend an entire day getting lost in books in Barnes & Noble
38. Fall in love reciprocally (yes, I made that word up)
39. Have a bonfire and camp out on the beach
40. Go 4-Wheeling in moab
41. Hike angel's landing in zions
42. Go on a cruise
43. Name a star
44. Watch a meteor shower
45. See a solar eclipse
46. Hike Mt. Olympus
47. Hike Mt. Timpanogos
48. Beatrice Inn and all it implys
49. Have a double dry martini (two olives) at butter.
50. Build and sleep in an igloo
51. Read the BoM from start to finish
52. To be simply, carelessly, whimsically, wholeheartedly happy... For REALS
Not only was I an overachiever in coming up with 52 instead of 50 (anyone surprised?), but I also paid the last installment on my car! Hooray! I can officially check number 15 off of my list!!! Yayyyy! It feels weird to post accomplishments in which I am congratulating myself, but I'm just super excited! Who buys their first car at 19, pays it off without any help, and finds themselves with a Lexus title in their name free and clear at 22?! For someone who once wondered if they'd live to see their 20th birthday, I'm super proud of myself and feel like this is an instance when its okay to say it! :)
xoxo,
alana
50 things alana wants in her life:
1. Black Mercedes G500 with 21 inch chromes
2. House boat at bullfrog on LP
3. Own a house
4. Bachelors degree
5. Masters degree
6. To be a mom
7. Have a healthy marriage
8. Supportive, dependable friends
9. Be content with the progression of my life
10. Tan on the beach in greece
11. Wine tasting in italy
12. Ice skate at Rockefeller square
13. Ability to fast for the right reasons
14. Peace and balance in my spirituality
15. Own my car (title and all)
16. Stability & consistency in daily life
17. Confidence in who I am
18. A hot body
19. A hot husband!
20. Speak italian
21. Play the piano
22. Pick on the guitar
23. Write songs on my guitar
24. Dance in a healthy way
25. Volunteer in a foreign country
26. Go hang-gliding or sky diving
27. Make a recovery quilt
28. Financial security
29. Balance with productivity
30. Get married in the temple
31. Recover from my ED without becoming a blimp
32. Truly be an intuitive eater
33. Have a Mastercraft ski boat
34. Shop for my wedding dress with my bff
35. Actually complete a legit college writing assignment (they terrify me)
36. Chat with friends on the steps of the Met
37. Spend an entire day getting lost in books in Barnes & Noble
38. Fall in love reciprocally (yes, I made that word up)
39. Have a bonfire and camp out on the beach
40. Go 4-Wheeling in moab
41. Hike angel's landing in zions
42. Go on a cruise
43. Name a star
44. Watch a meteor shower
45. See a solar eclipse
46. Hike Mt. Olympus
47. Hike Mt. Timpanogos
48. Beatrice Inn and all it implys
49. Have a double dry martini (two olives) at butter.
50. Build and sleep in an igloo
51. Read the BoM from start to finish
52. To be simply, carelessly, whimsically, wholeheartedly happy... For REALS
Not only was I an overachiever in coming up with 52 instead of 50 (anyone surprised?), but I also paid the last installment on my car! Hooray! I can officially check number 15 off of my list!!! Yayyyy! It feels weird to post accomplishments in which I am congratulating myself, but I'm just super excited! Who buys their first car at 19, pays it off without any help, and finds themselves with a Lexus title in their name free and clear at 22?! For someone who once wondered if they'd live to see their 20th birthday, I'm super proud of myself and feel like this is an instance when its okay to say it! :)
xoxo,
alana
Friday, February 5, 2010
two hundred sixty six
Yesterday with the dreaded D:
While walking back to her office-
J: "So Miss Alana, long time no see..."
Me: "Uh, yeah, life's busy, but its good to see you!" (supress eye roll)
J: "We're getting your weight today and you haven't shown up for an appointment in over a month so don't argue with me about it."
Me: (its been a staggering 10 seconds and I already feel defeated?! We're in for a rough session...just act nonchalant) "Okay... Sure..."
As I'm getting a blind weight taken:
Me: "I swear I've gained the weight of a hearty sized mammoth in the past 2 weeks."
J: "Why would you assume something like that? Have you been weighing yourself?"
Me: "What kind of ED patient would I be if I didn't weigh myself?"
J: (without a single not of sarcasm) "A compliant one."
Whoa J! Ouch! Whatevs, that was brilliant. One point to the D! Haha
When all's said and done?
-weekly sessions are a must. no excuses or negotiation.
-i must be medically stable if i have any hope of staying OP so i need to keep up with my lab draws, EKGs, blah, blah, blah.
-meal by 0900 and 1400, snack by 1900 or boost it up. this we KNOW I'm good at. body by boost. hollllllla!
This sucks. But I'm the only one who can get myself out of this mess so I gotta suck it up and just do it.
How were today's dietary goals?
Done and done. :)
While walking back to her office-
J: "So Miss Alana, long time no see..."
Me: "Uh, yeah, life's busy, but its good to see you!" (supress eye roll)
J: "We're getting your weight today and you haven't shown up for an appointment in over a month so don't argue with me about it."
Me: (its been a staggering 10 seconds and I already feel defeated?! We're in for a rough session...just act nonchalant) "Okay... Sure..."
As I'm getting a blind weight taken:
Me: "I swear I've gained the weight of a hearty sized mammoth in the past 2 weeks."
J: "Why would you assume something like that? Have you been weighing yourself?"
Me: "What kind of ED patient would I be if I didn't weigh myself?"
J: (without a single not of sarcasm) "A compliant one."
Whoa J! Ouch! Whatevs, that was brilliant. One point to the D! Haha
When all's said and done?
-weekly sessions are a must. no excuses or negotiation.
-i must be medically stable if i have any hope of staying OP so i need to keep up with my lab draws, EKGs, blah, blah, blah.
-meal by 0900 and 1400, snack by 1900 or boost it up. this we KNOW I'm good at. body by boost. hollllllla!
This sucks. But I'm the only one who can get myself out of this mess so I gotta suck it up and just do it.
How were today's dietary goals?
Done and done. :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
two hundred sixty five
Here I sit, on time (for almost the first time in my entire life), waiting for the first class of the semester to commence. I've been at work since 5:30am and am ever so uncomf as I look around at my darling peers- hair all done, big star jeans, and affliction tees- as they make friends with their neighbors. Not surprisingly, I sit here, not making eye contact, texting on my blackberry as I sit alone in my navy scrubs. Welcome to my life.
I've been thinking a lot lately and I have totally been a downer, which is lame-o even in the most positive light. I think about what's been going on in my life and figure its time for a less cryptic update. I am who I am and sometimes things straight up suck, and I guess that's okay as long as I'm willing to be honest about it. So here goes...
The holidays were lots of ups and downs. I moved out with my friend charlotte the day after thanksgiving and have been having a blast. I'm seriously like 2 minutes from my family's house so I can go home whenever and let rox stay there and play with oaks while I'm working. I like paying my rent and budgeting money for utilities and acting like a legit adult. I'm a dork, but I've embraced it. :)
My dad moved out a few days after I did. I felt like it was my fault for setting off the chain of events, but I know its not. I needed to do what was best for me and not worry about care taking everyone else in my fam. I still see them lots and definitely think I made the right choice. My dad moved back home on christmas eve but I'm just waiting for him to leave again. Its not my problem to fix, nor do I have the ability to, so I try to just accept things for how they are and know that I'm not the cause of anyone's misery.
After doing a food log for N for a while I went back to seeing a dietitian. Her name's jessica and I think I'd really like her if it wasn't for the fact that she's my dietitian and I think she hates me. I was supposed to go once a week and went every few weeks for a little while because apparently I couldn't see N unless I was seeing J. Whatevs.
N also gave me an assignment from back in the inpatient days. I needed to re-do my list of 50 things I want in my life. On my previous list I listed stupidly hopeful stuff like founding a charity and who knows what else... It was obviously not a life changing collaboration, being that I don't remember what I wrote down. As far as I was concerned, I just needed to list 50 random things so I could phase advance. This time around I have other worthwhile tasks to fill my days with and decided I would do it for real if I was going to do it at all. I said I wouldn't come back to see her until I had finished said list because I am an achiever and there's no way I was going to show up and say I was unsuccessful at completing my task. That was several weeks ago... I've been a bit of a debbie downer upon realizing that in trying my hardest, there aren't 50 things that I want in my life. For reals. Only 5 of them can be material things and those were the only easy ones to come up with. I think about my list every day and am up to 32 things. I'll post them once (if) I reach 50. At that point I'll also schedule to see N. I really miss her. But until then why go see J if I'm not seeing N anyway.
I finally met with my bishop on sunday. I've done some dumb stuff that needs to be fixed but it feels good to not be hiding from it anymore. And that always brings relief. :)
Over the break from school I became preeeeetty crafty and have loved it! I finished a scarf that I attempted to start 5 years ago. It ended up being way cute and I was so proud of myself! I gave it to Loni for Christmas since the yarn was originally bought with her in mind. :) I'm almost done crocheting a pink and grey fuzzy scarf for my sister, L. I'm also planning on finally making a quilt (thanks to Ivy!) from all of the designer denim I had to get rid of after treatment but can't bear to give or throw away. I'm super excited about it! AND I made my first batch of cupcakes! All by myself! And they didn't burn or make anyone sick or anything! Funfetti for zeke's last day working with us in same day and they were delish! :D
There are still lots of things that I need to fix in my life but at this point I'm trying to simply take life one day at a time!
Ciao bellas.
I've been thinking a lot lately and I have totally been a downer, which is lame-o even in the most positive light. I think about what's been going on in my life and figure its time for a less cryptic update. I am who I am and sometimes things straight up suck, and I guess that's okay as long as I'm willing to be honest about it. So here goes...
The holidays were lots of ups and downs. I moved out with my friend charlotte the day after thanksgiving and have been having a blast. I'm seriously like 2 minutes from my family's house so I can go home whenever and let rox stay there and play with oaks while I'm working. I like paying my rent and budgeting money for utilities and acting like a legit adult. I'm a dork, but I've embraced it. :)
My dad moved out a few days after I did. I felt like it was my fault for setting off the chain of events, but I know its not. I needed to do what was best for me and not worry about care taking everyone else in my fam. I still see them lots and definitely think I made the right choice. My dad moved back home on christmas eve but I'm just waiting for him to leave again. Its not my problem to fix, nor do I have the ability to, so I try to just accept things for how they are and know that I'm not the cause of anyone's misery.
After doing a food log for N for a while I went back to seeing a dietitian. Her name's jessica and I think I'd really like her if it wasn't for the fact that she's my dietitian and I think she hates me. I was supposed to go once a week and went every few weeks for a little while because apparently I couldn't see N unless I was seeing J. Whatevs.
N also gave me an assignment from back in the inpatient days. I needed to re-do my list of 50 things I want in my life. On my previous list I listed stupidly hopeful stuff like founding a charity and who knows what else... It was obviously not a life changing collaboration, being that I don't remember what I wrote down. As far as I was concerned, I just needed to list 50 random things so I could phase advance. This time around I have other worthwhile tasks to fill my days with and decided I would do it for real if I was going to do it at all. I said I wouldn't come back to see her until I had finished said list because I am an achiever and there's no way I was going to show up and say I was unsuccessful at completing my task. That was several weeks ago... I've been a bit of a debbie downer upon realizing that in trying my hardest, there aren't 50 things that I want in my life. For reals. Only 5 of them can be material things and those were the only easy ones to come up with. I think about my list every day and am up to 32 things. I'll post them once (if) I reach 50. At that point I'll also schedule to see N. I really miss her. But until then why go see J if I'm not seeing N anyway.
I finally met with my bishop on sunday. I've done some dumb stuff that needs to be fixed but it feels good to not be hiding from it anymore. And that always brings relief. :)
Over the break from school I became preeeeetty crafty and have loved it! I finished a scarf that I attempted to start 5 years ago. It ended up being way cute and I was so proud of myself! I gave it to Loni for Christmas since the yarn was originally bought with her in mind. :) I'm almost done crocheting a pink and grey fuzzy scarf for my sister, L. I'm also planning on finally making a quilt (thanks to Ivy!) from all of the designer denim I had to get rid of after treatment but can't bear to give or throw away. I'm super excited about it! AND I made my first batch of cupcakes! All by myself! And they didn't burn or make anyone sick or anything! Funfetti for zeke's last day working with us in same day and they were delish! :D
There are still lots of things that I need to fix in my life but at this point I'm trying to simply take life one day at a time!
Ciao bellas.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
two hundred sixty four
Something always brings me back to him,
It never takes too long.
Hold me without touch,
Keep me without chains.
Set me free, leave me be,
I don't want to fall another moment
S was my gravity.
B,
I would pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
C's my good time cowboy casanova.
Looks like a cool drink of water but is candy coated misery.
He gives me feelings that i don't want to fight
I'd better run for my life.
Storybook endings,
Fairy tales coming true,
Deep down inside I want to believe they still do. It's my favorite part of the story.
All I'm looking for is my happily ever after.
It never takes too long.
Hold me without touch,
Keep me without chains.
Set me free, leave me be,
I don't want to fall another moment
S was my gravity.
B,
I would pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
C's my good time cowboy casanova.
Looks like a cool drink of water but is candy coated misery.
He gives me feelings that i don't want to fight
I'd better run for my life.
Storybook endings,
Fairy tales coming true,
Deep down inside I want to believe they still do. It's my favorite part of the story.
All I'm looking for is my happily ever after.
Friday, December 25, 2009
two hundred sixty three
A few realizations have hit me recently:
-im not very fun. This was made evident by the depressing convo with my little sis. "Can we ever hangout and actually do something? I don't care what- we can do whatever you want to do, but please can we just do something?" Sorry J, yes we can definitely do something. I haven't a clue what, but we must do SOMETHING. Yikes.
-i can't fix everything. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with this fact, but acknowlegement is the first step, right?!
-family time and misery are perpendicular. I am depressingly familiar with both angles and the persistent collision of them.
-i have a love/hate relationship with all things "karma," but seem to be bff's with irony.
-my favorite fairytale has become "a proclaimation to the family."
-i stopped believing in dreams after discovering the reality that happiness is merely a wish your heart makes.
-im not very fun. This was made evident by the depressing convo with my little sis. "Can we ever hangout and actually do something? I don't care what- we can do whatever you want to do, but please can we just do something?" Sorry J, yes we can definitely do something. I haven't a clue what, but we must do SOMETHING. Yikes.
-i can't fix everything. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with this fact, but acknowlegement is the first step, right?!
-family time and misery are perpendicular. I am depressingly familiar with both angles and the persistent collision of them.
-i have a love/hate relationship with all things "karma," but seem to be bff's with irony.
-my favorite fairytale has become "a proclaimation to the family."
-i stopped believing in dreams after discovering the reality that happiness is merely a wish your heart makes.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
two hundred sixty two
Its super easy to kiss the boys you know you'll never see again. The ones you tire of in a matter of weeks. But its scary when you can't figure out why you are still into the same one after multiple months. When you're not finding excuses to stay home and study. When you talk everyday but it still feels like it could all end in an instant. So you put off anything that may ruin it, and anything that may make you fall for him, because you don't want to contribute to the hurt you'd inevitably feel if (when) it all falls apart.
And then one day it does. But you somehow find that ever allusive place where you realize that even if in some strange, alternative reality-
It really will be okay in the end.
And then one day it does. But you somehow find that ever allusive place where you realize that even if in some strange, alternative reality-
It really will be okay in the end.
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