two hundred seventy

Things have kinda hit the fan lately...
I'd blog about it all but I'm kind of still in processing mode...

I've made some choices that have resulted in some big changes in my life, which unfortunately demand some major decisions on my part...
Remember how I hate having to make decisions?! Yeah, me too.

Despite the frequency of feeling inadaquate and overwhelmed, I can eagerly recognize that I've been blessed with some pretty stellar people in my life. Understanding friends that fill me with hope, a family that adores me despite my plights of insanity, a kick-A treatment team that I pray will outsmart my eating disorder just one day at a time.

This past week was National Love Your Body Week and I went to some rad activities that really made me think about recovery.

I met up with a friend for some starbies action a few weeks ago and as we chatted we came to the topic of recovery. She's had her share of ups and downs and we usually keep it pretty superficial but as we sat there talking about past (and present) struggles, I asked her if she thought she was really done with her ED. Like for reals, for life, forever. She paused for a second and her eyes welled up and she looked at me and simply said "Yeah. I think I really am." Although she later apologized for tearing up over what she thought was such a seemingly trivial combination of words, I can't describe the impact it had on me to sit there and see such an accomplished, amazing woman say those words with such certainty. It is a moment that I hope I will never forget. But just in case it starts to fade with time (as even the most precious of memories tend to do) I'm blogging about it to remind myself that recovery is real; that it is possible. To remind myself when I forget, that recovery really is more than the ever ellusive ideal of a facade that I all too often accept it to be.

two hundred sixty nine

I said it every single time.
I realized it would just never be reciprocated.
So it became a joke.
It became empty-
Just a pleasantry before the click.
For the first time,
She said it to me.
But I don't care,
Cuz its too late..
I'm too empty for it to mean anything anymore.
So I said nothing,
And quickly hung up the phone.

two hundred sixty eight

Its interesting to me to think of all the stereotypical ways we compensate for our perceived inadequacies in our everyday lives. The big girls date skinny guys. The short guys buy giant trucks. I am always feeling my worst on days I look perfect.

Sometimes I feel stuck between the facades of attempting to be who I dream of becoming, being the person every parent envisions their child being, and simply being my ever imperfect self. I wish the masks didn't have to clash...

But on the other hand, today I look absolutely flawless.

two hundred sixty seven

I'm still shocked that it happened, but I somehow discovered 50 things that I want in my life! Go me! :D Some of them may be silly, but they all mean something to me and that was kinda the whole point of the assignment! Obviously, the material things were WAY easier to think of, but it feels good to have been able to come up with a list that's all my own. I said I'd post them, so here goes:

50 things alana wants in her life:
1. Black Mercedes G500 with 21 inch chromes
2. House boat at bullfrog on LP
3. Own a house
4. Bachelors degree
5. Masters degree
6. To be a mom
7. Have a healthy marriage
8. Supportive, dependable friends
9. Be content with the progression of my life
10. Tan on the beach in greece
11. Wine tasting in italy
12. Ice skate at Rockefeller square
13. Ability to fast for the right reasons
14. Peace and balance in my spirituality
15. Own my car (title and all)
16. Stability & consistency in daily life
17. Confidence in who I am
18. A hot body
19. A hot husband!
20. Speak italian
21. Play the piano
22. Pick on the guitar
23. Write songs on my guitar
24. Dance in a healthy way
25. Volunteer in a foreign country
26. Go hang-gliding or sky diving
27. Make a recovery quilt
28. Financial security
29. Balance with productivity
30. Get married in the temple
31. Recover from my ED without becoming a blimp
32. Truly be an intuitive eater
33. Have a Mastercraft ski boat
34. Shop for my wedding dress with my bff
35. Actually complete a legit college writing assignment (they terrify me)
36. Chat with friends on the steps of the Met
37. Spend an entire day getting lost in books in Barnes & Noble
38. Fall in love reciprocally (yes, I made that word up)
39. Have a bonfire and camp out on the beach
40. Go 4-Wheeling in moab
41. Hike angel's landing in zions
42. Go on a cruise
43. Name a star
44. Watch a meteor shower
45. See a solar eclipse
46. Hike Mt. Olympus
47. Hike Mt. Timpanogos
48. Beatrice Inn and all it implies
49. Have a double dry martini (two olives) at butter
50. Build and sleep in an igloo
51. Read the BoM from start to finish
52. To be simply, carelessly, whimsically, wholeheartedly happy... For REALS

Not only was I an overachiever in coming up with 52 instead of 50 (anyone surprised?), but I also paid the last installment on my car! Hooray! I can officially check number 15 off of my list!!! Yayyyy! It feels weird to post accomplishments in which I am congratulating myself, but I'm just super excited! Who buys their first car at 19, pays it off without any help, and finds themselves with a Lexus title in their name free and clear at 22?! For someone who once wondered if they'd live to see their 20th birthday, I'm super proud of myself and feel like this is an instance when its okay to say it! :)

xoxo,
alana

two hundred sixty six

Yesterday with the dreaded D:

While walking back to her office-
J: "So Miss Alana, long time no see..."
Me: "Uh, yeah, life's busy, but its good to see you!" (supress eye roll)
J: "We're getting your weight today and you haven't shown up for an appointment in over a month so don't argue with me about it."
Me: (its been a staggering 10 seconds and I already feel defeated?! We're in for a rough session...just act nonchalant) "Okay... Sure..."

As I'm getting a blind weight taken:
Me: "I swear I've gained the weight of a hearty sized mammoth in the past 2 weeks."
J: "Why would you assume something like that? Have you been weighing yourself?"
Me: "What kind of ED patient would I be if I didn't weigh myself?"
J: (without a single note of sarcasm) "A compliant one."

Whoa J! Ouch! Whatevs, that was brilliant. One point to the D! Haha

When all's said and done?
-weekly sessions are a must. no excuses or negotiation.
-i must be medically stable if i have any hope of staying OP so i need to keep up with my lab draws, EKGs, blah, blah, blah.
-meal by 0900 and 1400, snack by 1900 or boost it up. this we KNOW I'm good at. body by boost baby. hollllllla!

This sucks. But I'm the only one who can get myself out of this mess so I gotta suck it up and just do it.

How were today's dietary goals?

Done and done. :)