two hundred seventy two

guys,

totally don't want this to turn into an ED blog. that's lame. i want it to be about whatever's on my mind at the time. unfortunately, it often revolves around deciding whether or not to fight my ED at that moment in time. that's gotta stop. cuz that's freaking BORING! so here's a random blurb-

i've always been independent, stubbornly independent to the point of my own demise at times. for the most part its served me well and kept me resilient, but one thing i've never had to be independent about is finances. everything was always taken care of. i didn't even bother to ask about budgets or prices because as far as i was concerned, if it was cute enough that i wanted it, then i should in fact, have it. and with the swipe of a plastic or signature of a check it was mine (well, except for the lexus hardtop convertible that my dad tried to bribe me to recover with, i still don't have that toy. but give me time...).

when i moved out in november i didn't want to hear the crap about all the reasons i should stay home and how i don't pay rent there, or have responsibilities, can come and go as i please, don't have any bills to pay other than paying off whatever i spend on my nordstrom card, mom's at my beck and call, all of my meals are taken care of and i was monitored and kept accountable, yadayadayada. so i decided when i moved that i'd be fully independent. and for a while it was fun. it was like driving around in dad's brand new lexus (it only had 6 miles on it?!) and being out with friends and nonchalantly acting like it was mine, or carrying his cell phone in public while in elementary school and pretending it was mine, or like playing house with a cute boy and imagining what it would be like to have that same person sharing your bathroom for the rest of your life (i imagine disaster, just in case you were wondering). exciting, novel, intriguing.

i was so excited about having to write rent checks for myself every month and getting the monthly statements for utilities and sitting down with my paycheck twice a month to decide how i should most responsibly divvy up the fundage. omg i'm even paying for my own orthodontics because i am that much of a responsible adult!

so it's been a few months and the novelty is definitely beginning to fade. i pay my rent. cool. i pay my ortho bills. done. i pay my tithing. check. but all the little things about gas and electric and wireless internet and dish network (that i don't even use) and so many other things like the inevitable requirement of needing to put petro in my car (i didn't even start putting gas in my own car till college! it's such a hassle!), or the fact that buying food is so freaking expensive (and i'm still not sold on the fact that food is even a good way to spend hard earned money in the first place because you eat it and then it's just gone but leads to having to spend even more money as it settles on my butt and thighs so i suddenly find myself needing to buy new jeans, which just perpetuates this money situation) has kind of lead me to the conclusion that this "being a grown up game" kind of blows!

for reals, i just sat down to figure it all out and i'm pretty sure it leaves like $200 for incidentals like gas and play money and whatever else may come up in the next two weeks of my life. how am i supposed to plan for that?! people can't reasonably live on that! it sounds like a lot of money to a 5 year old, but i spend more than than on a single pair of denim!

therefore, today's conclusion:

sometimes being a big kid isn't very fun.

to make myself feel better i'm on my way to pick out some new organic shampoo and conditioner. it'll all work out one way or another, right? i mean, if all else fails i'll hit up the atm, that is my father. i'm his little girl, its not like he'd let me starve to death or anything!

have a good thursday! :)

xoxo