seventy eight

i can't help but try to find a little perspective in my life.

i'm sitting stressing over the communications paper thats due in like a half hour (of course i've yet to start it), but then i think about people like mitch's 4 year old boy who suddenly doesn't have his daddy anymore. is my dumb paper really that big of a deal in life?

mitch sieverts died thursday of an "accidental overdose." i'm not really sure what to think about it all so i tried to not think about it at all. obviously that doesn't work too well. the term accidental OD is given to anything that's not a known or suspected suicide and it casts people in a bad light. i know mitch was all about having a good time, and a little reckless at times, but i know that he had a good heart. i know he dreamed of going back to the temple. i know that he adored his son. i know that he LOVED just to be living every single day. i'm sad, but at the same time i'm kinda mad at him. to party it up is just fine, but when you have kids you have an added responsibility to stay alive to take care of them. how are they going to explain to a 4 year old that daddy got a little too loaded one night and just didn't wake up?!

i'm so relieved that i wouldn't help him out with any more of the ativan that he "needed just until seeing the doctor later in the week." i would feel responsible and in part, i would be. i don't think i could handle that. so thank god nicole made me do another contract and included no more selling meds. i don't know what i was thinking. i genuinely thought that he needed them. i feel bad that in the weeks leading up to his death he kept calling and saying that he needed someone to talk to and that i would just ignore his messages and not return his calls. i know he was a good guy, i definitely don't think i'm any better than him. i just thought it would be best to distance myself from him. i was sick of getting caught up in all the crap. i'd like to say that i hope he knew that i loved him as a person, but i know that he didn't know. he thought i looked down on him and hated him, and that sucks.

it's all just made me think of how recklessly we live our lives. how many times do we pop a pill that we may or may not actually need, because psychologically we associate that pill with "feeling better?" i didn't realize how many people actually die from the wrong combo of meds in their system at a given time. to take a week's worth of high ephedra diet pills in one sitting so that i can wake up in the morning may leave me a little sick, but it certainly can't kill me, right? wrong. why the hell do we think we are so invincible? cliche, i know, but life truly is a gift and i need to remember that every day of my life.

rest in peace mitch...