two hundred seventy seven

my new favorite snippet on earth! i probably watch it 3 times a day. for reals.

two hundred seventy six

i work at a hospital that just spent what seems like a kazillion dollars on a brand new multi-level wing of expansion. so pray tell, can you see what the hell they did wrong here? it drives me crazy to see it every single time i need to walk toward this hall to get to the elevators...

[edit] i abhor elevators in and of themselves but that's an entirely separate post of it's own!

two hundred seventy five

it's definitely been a looooooong time since i've posted via my mac opposed to my blackberry and it feels uber weird, but it's the only way to post pics along with my post (we all know how much i suck at posting pics), but i'll do it. whatevvvs, because i've been on a few adventures lately!

adventure#1:

last week tuesday i found myself with a few spare hours in which to study and decided to take a trip on the TRAX. i've never been on TRAX before because i've never had a reason to, and frankly, the hobos and germs sick me out and i really have too much to get done in my life than to needlessly put myself into situations which lead me to find myself strung out on benzos more than i already do. but on this day i decided to challenge my crazy ocd anxiety ridden mind and go down to the city library. why? just to see if i could! also, i love that library, hate having to actually pay for parking downtown, and was desperate to be away from campus since i live 5 minutes away and spend almost every waking hour either working at the hospital

on campus or in classes themselves. so i parked my car at the stadium, gandered at the map of stops and crazy colored dots which were indecipherable to me, and didn't freak out (at least not externally)! i am so freaking proud of myself! good job me!!! :)

truth be told, i lurrrrrv getting lost in the stacks or finding a deserted chair in the corner and just studying or people watching or simply taking in the view of the mountains while staying warm inside. as much as i complain about being uprooted and dragged to utah, it really is gorgeous.

adventure #2:

i'd never been to moab before and went rock climbing down there this past weekend! it was a blast, even though it was freezing and we got rained out and had to drive through the world's sketchiest canyon during a snow storm! i slab climbed, crack climbed, hiked a bit, and rappelled down the middle of a 200 foot red rock arch! it was incredible! it's funny to me to think of how scared i get of people but how i have zero fear when it comes to doing crazy stuff like trusting a nylon braided rope to suspend me 200 feet in the air. oh well. i won't question it. here are some of my favorite pics from the trip. rappelling pics are still to come... be excited.

our campsite

my first climb of the trip. holla!!! i try to act soooo hardcore its hilarious!

the eerily beautiful calm before the storm (although, had it not been for the fact that rain renders sandstone unclimbable, i'm all for watching thunder and lightning storms pass through a desert).

don't know why i dig this shot of an old train track running directly through where we were hiking, but i do...

much loves to moab. the end!

two hundred seventy four

Yesterday I was a rockstar. I don't want to ruin any of the delight that will inevitably ensue, BUT be excited about the my upcoming post and pictures documenting a certain impromptu adventure I voyeured yesterday. It was pretty saaaaweeet!

In other news, I'm running on a literal 2 hours of sleep and may not be making much sense to my co-workers today. Thankfully they're willing to indulge me and all the craziness that working with me tends to imply!

More later!

two hundred seventy three

Sometimes I get caught up in the insanity of life and kinda forget that I have a future... I know this must seem weird.

I often find myself in autopiolot mode, just going through the motions; bouncing from point A to point B; checking things off the list and forgetting that somewhere in all the mayhem I not only have a future to look forward to, but also have the option to decide what I want to do with that future! Pretty incredible, right?!

Sometimes I get so scared of making a wrong decision that I refuse to make any decision at all. It feels safe that way. But after a while I get tired of being so stagnant, of being exhausted from working so doggedly to simply stay afloat but still not make any real progress.

Well here's the latest on my plans for the future (it feels weird to have some). I applied for fall admittance to finish my BSN in nursing. If I get in then I'll go that route and get my masters as a nurse anesthetist. Even if I end up in a low paying state for that profession I'll still be making bank. If I don't get into the full time program then I'll grad in the fall with my psych degree and apply in the spring for PA programs (I can just apply all of my nursing credits as PA school pre-reqs and won't even have to take any additional classes!) and do my masters that way. I think I'd be happy with either path. That's what makes them so hard to choose between. Either way, I won't be in school forever (even though it feels that way sometimes) and I won't end up working my butt off (literally AND figuratively!) for something dumb like a doctorate in nursing.

Who would have thought when this process all began, that I'd have more potential in life than to just be a rockstar of a trophy wife?! Not gonna lie, it still sounds fun, but knowing what I know now, I don't think I'd be satisfied. I'd get bored. And as much as I cringe to admit it, I'm too damn smart to just sit around and look pretty.

xoxo

two hundred seventy two

guys,

totally don't want this to turn into an ED blog. that's lame. i want it to be about whatever's on my mind at the time. unfortunately, it often revolves around deciding whether or not to fight my ED at that moment in time. that's gotta stop. cuz that's freaking BORING! so here's a random blurb-

i've always been independent, stubbornly independent to the point of my own demise at times. for the most part its served me well and kept me resilient, but one thing i've never had to be independent about is finances. everything was always taken care of. i didn't even bother to ask about budgets or prices because as far as i was concerned, if it was cute enough that i wanted it, then i should in fact, have it. and with the swipe of a plastic or signature of a check it was mine (well, except for the lexus hardtop convertible that my dad tried to bribe me to recover with, i still don't have that toy. but give me time...).

when i moved out in november i didn't want to hear the crap about all the reasons i should stay home and how i don't pay rent there, or have responsibilities, can come and go as i please, don't have any bills to pay other than paying off whatever i spend on my nordstrom card, mom's at my beck and call, all of my meals are taken care of and i was monitored and kept accountable, yadayadayada. so i decided when i moved that i'd be fully independent. and for a while it was fun. it was like driving around in dad's brand new lexus (it only had 6 miles on it?!) and being out with friends and nonchalantly acting like it was mine, or carrying his cell phone in public while in elementary school and pretending it was mine, or like playing house with a cute boy and imagining what it would be like to have that same person sharing your bathroom for the rest of your life (i imagine disaster, just in case you were wondering). exciting, novel, intriguing.

i was so excited about having to write rent checks for myself every month and getting the monthly statements for utilities and sitting down with my paycheck twice a month to decide how i should most responsibly divvy up the fundage. omg i'm even paying for my own orthodontics because i am that much of a responsible adult!

so it's been a few months and the novelty is definitely beginning to fade. i pay my rent. cool. i pay my ortho bills. done. i pay my tithing. check. but all the little things about gas and electric and wireless internet and dish network (that i don't even use) and so many other things like the inevitable requirement of needing to put petro in my car (i didn't even start putting gas in my own car till college! it's such a hassle!), or the fact that buying food is so freaking expensive (and i'm still not sold on the fact that food is even a good way to spend hard earned money in the first place because you eat it and then it's just gone but leads to having to spend even more money as it settles on my butt and thighs so i suddenly find myself needing to buy new jeans, which just perpetuates this money situation) has kind of lead me to the conclusion that this "being a grown up game" kind of blows!

for reals, i just sat down to figure it all out and i'm pretty sure it leaves like $200 for incidentals like gas and play money and whatever else may come up in the next two weeks of my life. how am i supposed to plan for that?! people can't reasonably live on that! it sounds like a lot of money to a 5 year old, but i spend more than than on a single pair of denim!

therefore, today's conclusion:

sometimes being a big kid isn't very fun.

to make myself feel better i'm on my way to pick out some new organic shampoo and conditioner. it'll all work out one way or another, right? i mean, if all else fails i'll hit up the atm, that is my father. i'm his little girl, its not like he'd let me starve to death or anything!

have a good thursday! :)

xoxo

two hundred seventy one

No encouragement required.
I'm just stating my thoughts which are ever so conveniently not open to negotiation.

I've been fairly/decently/taking things into consideration/generally meaning/for the most part/having compliant intentions toward/but don't hold me to it- sticking to my d's monumental consumption of a meal plan.
Congrats are in order, yes??

I hate it with a fiery blazing inferno of a passion.
I cancelled on her last week and am dreading this week's little get-together because despite the fact that I'm gaining weight at a rate that will soon result in me being large enough to be the sole source of intake for a moderately populated country in africa, I still find myself in the predicament of theoretically being forced to down well over 20 bottles of boost while in her office, as penance for the few times I said "f- it" to my meal plan and missed its stupid little meal and/or snack demands. I've been racking my head to devise a way out of this disaster but have inevitably come to the somber reality that I may be stuck in her office, guzzling boost, for the entire frickin day. Heart burn and nausea are likely to ensue so perhaps I should obtain a script for IM Phenergan before heading in to smile and converse and shake with silent fury as I tell her how great it is to see her on such a glorious spring day. Kill me now.

Lastly, a pink little pill has re-entered my life to ensure that I'm able to sleep for more than, oh, THREE hours a night. While I appreciate its potency to turn off my racing thoughts and give my little noggin a break from the insanity, I do not in any way see the necessity of it causing and facillitating every possible form of weight gain. Where can I petition against that specific side effect?!

Feel free to blame it on my OCD, but I feel like I'm kinda stuck going in circles here...