twenty seven

i found out that the u offers drop-in tutoring for people like me who can't figure out their math. even better, its free! and that my friends makes me smile! here's to hoping that their tutors can help it all make sense in my head since i have a midterm wednesday afternoon! yikes!

twenty six

[the update]
-i went on a date with a cute guy from school and had a blast tonight.
-only one more day of classes till the lake powell fun begins.
-t is bringing me some much needed bronzer from sephora & i'm stoked.
-our IKEA isn't as amazing as cali's but you gotta take what you can get.
-as it goes when i get a serious cold, my voice is gone but everyone says its sexy.
-i think tickets to keith urban this september would be sexy!
-and finally, nothing about me will be sexy tomorrow if i don't go to bed, so i'm out!

good night!

twenty five

hey,
so i'm waiting to go to work and figured i'd spit out some thoughts:

i wish it were warmer out.

i want to lie out when its 90 degrees with a breeze.

i think too much and it makes my head hurt.

right now i'm listening to 'feeling a moment' by feeder and its funny how sometimes the lyrics of a song describe me more than my own words can.

i'm fighting a cold and i thinking i'm losing.

sometimes my puppy is the one thing that keeps me sane and it seems ridiculous but its true!

did you know that stores sell marshmallows on a stick that are just covered in colored sugar crystals? weird, but obviously people buy them or they wouldn't be there.

i want to go camping, but cabin camping. actually, a tent wouldn't be too bad as long as it was warmer. i just want to be hiking again!

my therapist is prego again and i'm way excited for her.

who would have thought the hardest thing to fight would be myself?

i made friends with a guy in my psych class yesterday, but its strictly platonic cuz i think he's like 50 years old.

the cute boy from math walked me to my car yesterday. hopefully i'll have more to tell in the near future. i'm almost looking forward to math class tomorrow; never thought that would happen! he might give steve a run for his money...we'll see.

i talked with a friend and feel so much better about things. i know we need our space, but i still miss her lots and love her even more. its been rough but i know its for the best. shadows creep. vienna. kindred spirits for sure.

today's my bro's birthday, happy 23rd dude. enjoy those mavi's. they're good ones!

alexander and jax went up to heber railroad today to ride on the REAL thomas the tank engine and i am so excited to hear how it went!

i know its still may, but here's to sunshine and summertime!

peace out.

twenty four

a few things i'm thinking about today...
-i abhor history and am praying for something about it to interest me so i don't fail the class
-my mental health psych class is exactly what i thought it would be and i love it
-if i dislike writing almost as much as i don't like math, and i hate math almost as much as i abhor history, why the heck did i decide to take them all in the same semester?
-but on the plus side, my writing professor flirts with me so it may help get me a better grade if i flirt back a tiny bit, and today i realized that there's totally potential with a cutie in my math class, so really my only issue is with having history at 7:30 in the morning three times a week...once again, what was i thinking?!
-in other news, a friend and i have decided to dissolve our friendship and i'm not really sure if its because of her having a hard time not being in the caretaking role, or if its because i no longer go to church...maybe its both. anyway, i hope its the former because i think the latter is a ridiculous reason not to be friends with someone. whatevs.
-i got a call from the woman doing the documentary i'm in and i'm not even sure if i want to do it anymore. i would feel bad backing out at this point though cuz i've already comitted to it and she's super excited. we'll see what happens i guess...
-and finally, i don't know what it is about this blog that is such a release for me, but its fantastic. i try to pretend that no one reads it (even though my profile view log shows otherwise), cuz then i can say what i'm thinking without feeling the need to change my tone depending on my anticipated audience. i can't even do this in therapy, so i'm not sure why i'm still even going.

so if you're reading, welcome. and if you're not, that's okay cuz as selfish as it sounds, i'm not writing it for you. it's for me.

judge if you will.
its your call.

twenty three

i love those times when you're just going about everyday life and suddenly a sensory memory jolts you back to a time in the past. all week i was walking to class and would suddenly think of brighton. i couldn't figure out why and just attributed it to the sunshine, but then concluded that i felt all nostalgic every time i passed by this corner of campus that was landscaped with pine trees and fresh bark chips on the ground. its now my favorite place to walk through. retarded, i know! oh well. i hope i never forget the mingled scent of pine, bark, and crisp clean air mixed with the occasional thunder storm. it gives me goosebumps, but the good kind. and i love that feeling!

twenty two

today was my first.
my first in 713 days.
the moment felt like forever,
but all i could handle was one breath at a time
a little fresh air and an ativan later
i calmed down.
a rush, a blur
then back to autopilot
its done and i remember that i'm okay
i've done it before
i'll do it again
at the end of the day i realize
you are who you are
and its probably who you've always been.

-can-we-ever-really-change-who-we-are?-

twenty one

I never promised you a ray of light

I never promised there’d be sunshine everyday

I give you everything I have

The good the bad

Why do you put me on a pedestal?

I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below

So help me down, you've got it wrong I don’t belong there

One thing is clear

I wear a halo

I wear a halo when you look at me

But standing from here

You wouldn’t say so

You wouldn’t say so if you were me

I always said that I would make mistakes

I’m only human and that’s my saving grace

I fall as hard as I try

So don’t be blinded

See me as I really am

I have flaws

Sometimes I even sin

So pull me from my pedestal,

I don’t belong there

One thing is clear

I wear a halo,

I wear a halo when you look at me

But standing from here

You wouldn’t say so,

You wouldn’t say so if you were me

Oh I, I don't want to let you down.

twenty

i ignore the advice...

i complain that every time i hop on i recieve the same reading...

and i really do want to...

so why do i keep going back?

apparently i'm not quite as smart as people think i am.

nineteen

why.do.people.have.to.change?

eighteen

sad.but.true

i can't help but question

why?