one hundred ninety five

what the (insert your favorite word here) is going on?!

i have an awesome life- for the most part. but some things just bug and i need to vent because i promised my therapist i'd journal before i did anything destructive. why journal here and not on my private blog? because i just went to a freaking treatment reunion last night and feel bad about not being honest when i'm struggling with things. dang it! so here's what's on my mind:

rant #1: my anxiety is out of control.
you would think it would be better now that i'm out of school and have made the decision not to go back at all next semester but it's not. i am a freaking basket case and feel like i'm going insane. i almost didn't go to clinicals one morning because i was to anxious to walk from the chair i'd fallen asleep in to my car because i'd have to go through the garage out to my car in the driveway and it was still dark out. yesterday at the ED conference shindig i was so anxious about getting up from my seat to go to the bathroom that i almost wet my pants. for reals. who cares if you get up to go to the bathroom?! apparently in that moment i cared immensely.

rant #2: i am lacking a treatment team.
my dietitian no longer works at cfc, which is fine since i haven't seen her for over a year anyway, but there's a sense of security in knowing she was there if i ever needed help and now that security is gone. i haven't seen a psychiatrist in my life except for dr. ellis at cfc because i'm totally opposed to them (not for other people, just for myself) and their pill subscribing happiness. i didn't really need one because during the time that i accepted the fact that i may be in need of a little medication i was able to get them through my pcp. her office screwed me over and so now i don't have a doctor either. so i finally set my pride aside and got a referral for a psychiatrist and don't you worry they can "squeeze me in" near the end of october. thanks folks, super helpful.

rant #3: i am blind.
not truly blind but i fear i am getting there. my eyes have been getting red and irritated with my contacts and it was about time for a new prescription so i didn't think it was weird that things were all blurry or that my eyes were starting to water frequently. maybe i had allergies? what was weird was that i found myself unable to be in bright light- especially outside in the sunlight without dark sunglasses on. my eyes were too sensitive. i know that i'm chinese and squinty already, but this was like super squinting and even then i couldn't see! bad news. so i go in to my opthamologist after having to pull off on the side of the freeway while driving up a canyon because i couldn't even see to drive and am told i have not one but two nifty ulcers in my right eye and maybe some forming on my left eye. wtf?! i didn't realize eyes could even get ulcers! congratulations fount of knowledge, indeed they can. the scary part is that even after you get them to heal, they will leave permanent scars on your cornea. i'm trying to be chill but i'm not gonna lie, it totally scares me. i really don't want to go blind at 21. so my eyes are red, i'm walking around my house with the lights off and blinds closed, and i still have sunglasses on. bummer. the worst was being at cfc yesterday and having to explain it to everyone who assumed i either had pinkeye (gross, i've never had it, but gross), was crying all day long (probably because recovery is such an emotional endeavor to be talking about), or was straight up stoned (thank you nicole hawkins). obviously i can't wear contacts and i can't drive because i can't put my sunglasses over my regular glasses and so i'm essentially homebound with the eyesight of a mole. fantastic.

rant #4: my mother is insanely triggering to me.
most people have triggers like a pair of pants fitting snuggly (and dude that sucks!), or celebrity photos in magazines or movies. although none of those made me feel like parading in downtown SLC wearing a string bikini, i have discovered that nothing makes me more emotionally volatile than my mom. that sucks because i love her and i love being with my sibs, but the more i'm around her, the more unbalanced and detrimental my life becomes. we got in a big fight last night and she took the key to her house off of my key ring, and told me to never come back. who says that to their child?! i'll be honest, i was thinking of employing some pretty negative coping mechanisms and it made me so mad because i had just come from cfc where i felt so grounded and content. it blows my mind how she can affect me so quickly and intensely. i didn't feel like fighting with the thoughts in my head so i just went to bed. sometimes that is my saving grace. just going to sleep so things can't bother me anymore. so with my dad working all the time, my room mate being gone till next week, and no longer being welcome at my parent's house (according to sherla) (nor do i have a key to it), i feel totally lonely! at the same time all i want to do is isolate. no bueno, but i know that this is a situation only i can get myself out of so we'll see how the day progresses...

rant #5: i took the semester off to relax and i'm already overbooked.
i got a job at a treatment center for adolescent girls and i'm stoked. i don't know if i ever really thought i'd be in a healthy enough place to work as a tech, but i strived for it and all of a sudden here i am. i submitted applications all over because i didn't want to depend on just one job and then not get hired. so then i get a call from the U hospital offering me a position in their same day surgery unit. i told them about my other job offer and they said they would give me hours that wouldn't conflict so i said yes. this is wonderful news because i am insanely in debt and would really like to be able to keep my car (not that anyone can really afford to be driving around with gas prices as high as they are) and i need all of the hours i can get so i don't need to feel so stressed about money. i'm trying so hard to be an adult and not have my dad pay for things. i appreciate his help but i've gotten myself into this mess and it's my responsibility to get out of it. so i may be working insane hours, graveyard shifts at the hospital, etc... but hopefully it will put me in a better place by the time i go back to school in the spring.

rant #6: recovery's still hard sometimes.
i left treatment a long time ago and at this point i have a hard time being patient with results. i feel like i've totally put in the work and seen some results but i want it all to just go away for good. sitting in that conference yesterday i was thinking about my recovery and what pieces of my eating disorder i still secretly hold on to. i don't want to be holding on to any of it. i thought of a few that had perhaps been in the back of my mind, and maybe i just wasn't ready to admit them yet, but now i'm looking forward to bringing them up in therapy and working on them and getting rid of them. it was so great to see everyone at the reunion. there were a lot of people i didn't know, but enough that i did know and it felt good to know that we all share in a common struggle and can support each other through it. i have come so far from where i was when i went into treatment and i'm proud of myself, but sometimes i still worry that it isn't far enough. i feel like i need to verbalize everything i feel about recovery because if i step back for even a second i will go right back to my ED. it terrifies me. some days i feel so content in where i am in recovery, but there are still those days that i want nothing more than to go back to it. why? why do i get so far and then have the urge to sabotage it all? i felt so motivated and inspired while surrounded by so many courageous women. i felt so powerful- that together we truly could do anything. so why is it almost 2pm the day after, in a house all alone, and all i want to do is starve?

hey melissa- was this honest enough for you?