two hundred fifty five

Of anything he could have chosen to say-
"Ohhh I love scar stories!"
Well pumpkin,
Let the stories begin...

Happy halloween, indeed.

two hundred fifty four

what I've been thinking about today...

-this morning it snowed for the first time this season. It hasn't stopped.
-i didn't bring a coat. Of course it didn't even dawn on me leaving my house at 5:30am in the snow, to bring a freaking coat!
-i've been at the u since summer of 2oo7 and have never owned a single piece of collegiate apparel.
-i just bought my first u of u hoodie and I am THRiLLEd to be wearing it right now! :)

Happy snow day! :)

two hundred fifty three

Some say I'm picky,

others may even say spoiled,

but I see it as merely being accustomed.

I know what I like, and I know what I don't like.

I make no apologies for having experiences that lead to having higher standards and expectations due to the fact that once I've encountered the best I will not settle. It's the unique combination of my likes and dislikes that make me who I am. And I love that.

I'm not fond of:

-Earthworms-Spitting on sidewalks-Spitting at all-Fountain sprite-Peanuts-Avacados-Corn on the cob-Muffin tops over pants-Holes in food-Video game music-When bangs get stuck in sunglass hinges-Getting cute new bangs cut, then going tanning and realizing you forgot bobby pins to hold them back!-ice in orange juice-Chanel handbags-when people put an "'s" on the end of words that are singular (Ex: "I was at Nordstrom'S the other day...")-mushrooms-chocolate syrup-cucumbers-plastic siding-anything spicy-sticky movie theatre floors-when people manually unlock a single door on automatic car doors-soup spoons-lotion between my toes-white SUVs-rose toned gold-ER waiting rooms-kathy griffeth-walnuts-arrowhead water-panty lines-self parking-crystal light-wingers-old navy tv commercials-dirty fingernails-mayo in anything-eggs

But I do find tremendous delight in:

-Guess stilletos-Michael Kors-Marc Jacobs-The Body Shop-Chanel cosmetics-hydrogen peroxide-kettle corn-snail mail-almonds-hot fudge-peanut butter-smoothly blended guacamole-candy canes-stucco-being the baby spoon!-teaspoons for everything-magenta sunsets of indian summer-garlic stuffed green olives-cruise control-pandora for blackberry-bold white watches-bright colored lingerie-lounging in boyshorts and a cami-the first few coats of a brand new mascara-chelsea handler-pecans-vapor distilled water-nielsen's frozen custard finally taking visa-going commando under white-energy conservation-overindugence in the use of cleaning products-valet parking-clever, witty advertising-blairbands-1000 thread count sheets-buying products that were proudly made in the USA-thunder & lightning-dark, glossy, matte nail polish hues for fall-anticipating the holidays, their celebration, decoration, and accessori-zation! :)

Hope you're all having a great weekend!

xoxo

two hundred fifty two

With increasing age and decreasing visual acuity, why do senior citizens opt for cars which are closer to the size of cruise ships than automobiles? Doesn't it seem like a bad idea to give diminished eyesight more surface area to keep track of??

Hmmm. Interesting...

two hundred fifty one

I've been immensely contemplating career decisions in respect to school classes and planning for the future and have been a wee bit stressed about it. Me- stressed and indecisive?! What?! ;) Yeah, I know, story of my life! Haha

Well I've been doing my research on the different programs and career routes and found myself completely overwhelmed. Its like the more I tried to understand, the more confused I was! Super frustrating, and super worrisome when I think of time just ticking down and graduation deadlines looming and all of that anxiety inducing, imminent death producing dread. I've been praying a lot and trying to plan to the best of my ability, but still felt so uneasy about it all. Its a sucky feeling which prompted many notions of wanting to simply drop out and call it good.

I know that there is more than one path I can take in my life that will lead to success, and happiness, and self actualization, and all other earthly joy imaginable. I'm sure HF would support a number of my options. But it'd be so much easier to receive an solid answer that says "go to PA school" or "do the DNP program" or even "don't finish your BSN because you'll hate getting your doctorate in nursing." But no answer came. I was feeling fairly hopeless and wanting to make no progress for myself so that I could just wait for HF's prompting to knock me in the head in the direction of my perfect destiny. But no such revelation came...

Instead, I made appointments with 4 different advisors in my multiple I'm-a-psycho-who-has-a thousand-majors-but-doesnt-know-what-to-do-with-them departments and prayed lots before going into them, and miracle of all miracles, things are finally beginning to make a slight bit of sense! :) Wanna know the plan of attack? I'm thrilled to have one! I will continue with my psych major next semester and apply for the traditional BSN program in january. I find out if I'm in by the first week of may. If I'm in the program I will start in the fall and graduate with a bachelor of science degree in both psychology and nursing before going on to get my masters in psychiatric nursing or doctorate in acute care. Thankfully I do not need to decide which one yet! If I don't get in to the traditional BSN program I will graduate with my psych degree in the summer and apply for PA school in the fall and get my masters that way.

Things may change, but I can't think about this any more right now. My head feels about to explode. But this seems like a good plan- at least for now! ;)

two hundred fifty

{flat on the floor with my head down low}

to have never tried-

so that you'll never have to deal with the possibility of failure...
some claim its "having the backbone to not run away from responsibilities."
i say it takes having a backbone to actually lead the life you want to live.
and I say it takes even more backbone to go face-to-face with the things you've dreamed of for years but destroyed in the matter of just 60 little minutes.
i'm just not ready yet...

{hiding from the storm till the damage is done}

two hundred forty nine

Maybe I just don't get it,
But what is it about boys that makes them feel so compelled to make all vehicles sound like diesel run busses? Does the excess noise make them feel superior? I'd be personally embarrassed if anything. Explain this to me!

two hundred forty eight

[a post of substance]

i know my posts are often vague. but they say what i need to say and can be applied to whatever i need them for. this one's not so cryptic. it is simply what it is and i'm okay with that.

in order to reestablish a smidgin of accountability in my life, n has me doing a food log in which i need to be signed off by whoever witnesses me eat. it pretty much sucks. but she didn't think i'd be able to do it, so here i am getting my meals signed off on an (almost) daily basis. super embarrassing. especially at work. fml.

i've also been going to group more often- as in making the 40 minute drive like 3 times a week. killer on the gas tank. last night i was sick of making the drive and paying the money that doesn't seem to be giving tangible progress, and thinking of all of the incredible clothes, and shoes, and handbags that could have been enjoyed with all of the dough that's been dumped into treatment of my "condition." the hospitalizations, inpatient treatment, residential treatment, day patient, intensive outpatient, normal outpatient sessions, group therapy, individual therapy, dietary sessions, blah blah blah... so sherla drove me down in order to make sure i went to process group last night and it was surprisingly good to be there. it's good to be around other people who get it, and who are back in forth and just honest in not being 100% committed 100% of the time.

most of the girls in group are struggling to find out why they do the things they do and have these periods of encouragement for change as they are enlightened with the motivation behind their behaviors. it's a pretty rad feeling. i've been there. but i have been in treatment for the past 7 years and know exactly why i do things, but can't quite figure out why i'd still rather do them than risk the anxiety of failure when i try to get better for good and simply can't do it. so i go through the motions and know all the right lines, i have been better and i have most definitely been worse, and now i'm just here. not going forward, but not really going backward. just not going anywhere.

sherla always asks so enthusiastically "was group good tonight?!" and of course i say yes, because all she can do to help is be sure that i actually show up and i don't want her any more frustrated or discouraged with me. the worst thing possible would be for your own mother to give up on you. group really was good so shouldn't things be getting better? but every time i attempt to explain why things are still so hard she kind of shoots a wall up and just says "okay honey, well just keep going to therapy and group." it's kind of weird because i'm so used to being the one who shoots up the wall whenever i don't want to let a conversation in. thanks anyway, mom.

so i guess at this point i'll go to group, show up to see n, and continue to wait for a miracle that will suddenly make recovery seem worth fighting for again.

two hundred forty seven

i lurrrv storms.

for reals.

the dark sky,

cold wind,

thunder,

lightning,

all of it.

it leads to hot chocolate,

classic novels,

comfy sweats,

and snuggling by the fireplace while looking out a large picture window.

all of my favorite things!

happy sunday to all!

two hundred forty six

i love listening to a good rumor

especially when it involves myself

more than anything, i love making those rumors

t.r.u.e.

[itWILLalwaysGETbackTOme]

quiet people are s k e t c h y. i don't buy that "i'm shy" crap. don't come to dinner with us, not say a word, and then fill your dreary therapy sessions with gossip inferred by the conversation joined by everyone BUT you... don't you have enough of your own stuff to work on during those precious 50 minutes?!

wow.

classy.

[iAMsoOVERyou]