thirty eight

right now i'm feeling kinda stuck.
kinda not wanting to work at getting back up, but not at a rock bottom.
things are steadily rocky. a total oxymoron huh? but it applies to my life 100%. i went to group tonight and heard "someone" give her recovery story. i'm not sure why i even drove down. it made me feel worse, not better. thats kinda been the trend with IOP groups lately...

so right now i'm feeling, ...or not feeling. funny how that works. i can't quite figure it out anymore. not all the time, like before, just sometimes. this is one of those times. people have told me that no matter what's going on, i will get through it. i keep reiterating that to myself but i still feel like i'm slipping back into the black every so often. i wish i could absorb incongruence until it was truth.

since i obviously can't verbalize things effectively anymore(probably cuz i can't even figure out what i'm trying to say) and am so busy that i can't journal, or even remember the last time i felt something deeply enough to cry over it, maybe songs can help me figure things out...

so here's my snippet for the night- coming from taylor swift:

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

kinda cliche, but something about it jumps out to me. i'm not sure what. maybe the coming undone part! anyway, i gotta pull myself together for my classes tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to actually get it all done tonight!

ciao.