one hundred eighty nine

call me insightful...
call me dense for taking so long to figure it out...
i've come to the conclusion that balance is truly worth seeking in this crazy life of mine.
and i've noticed a pattern...
approximately two weeks into a semester,
and approximately one week before finals,
i am a hot mess.
i think it's because 2 weeks into new classes i begin to grasp the entirety i am attempting to accomplish in 16 weeks,
and a week before finals i realize that no amount of time in the world could possibly make me feel secure in my academic abilities that will soon need to be proven and on display.
so i stress.
and i worry.
and i get a little crazy.
ideally i would anticipate these impending freak outs and plan for them.
but i'm known to be a little bit compulsive.
and driven.
and straight up stubborn.
so instead i run until i hit the wall and have a breakdown.
then i feel bad that i couldn't hold it together and the cycle of negativity keeps on spinning.
and it usually ends in something i regret doing.
and feel guilty for.
and end up having to confess in therapy.
there are lots of possibilities.
take your pick.
today was one of those breakdowns in which i felt overwhelmed.
and burnt out.
and
out.of.control.
i was pondering the fact that i would need to pay for school next semester because i took too many classes in a 12 month period and used more than my allotted scholarship amount.
whoops.
lame.
is nothing to be commended of over achievement?!
and then i started thinking about how much i just didn't want to go to school anymore.
i could graduate with my BS in psych next semester but then i wouldn't be getting my BS in nursing.
as easy as that seems,
and as sick of school as i am,
i know i want my BSN and would regret not taking the time to get it.
but i want it now!
i just want them both right now, okay?!
call me indecisive.
call me demanding.
call me insatiable.
there's no negating the fact that when it comes to getting what i want,
patience is in a state of nonexistence.
i was on the phone with my cute dad,
who is mr. "remember your #1 priority is school" and i totally had a melt down.
thank goodness i was in the car because i was straight up sobbing and would have been really embarrassed to be seen in public.
i just couldn't hold it together anymore.
i'd been trying to decide what to do next semester for the past few weeks but nothing seemed like a good plan of attack.
do i really spend the money if i don't really want to go?
do i take a semester off so that i can come back dedicated and refreshed?
i deserve a break.
i've completed 66 credits in 12 months and it's just about killed me.
a break would mean having to wait until jan 2010 to even apply for the nursing program and even then it's no guarantee i got in.
decisions, decisions...
well believe it or not,
a decision was made.
and it was actually a good one!
i've decided to go to school next semester but to only to take one class.
human anatomy's my last prerequisite before applying for the nursing program and even though i won't be on track to have all of my psych major done before starting nursing like i'd planned,
it will save me from needlessly waiting another year before application,
it will keep me in school without paying a full load's worth of tuition until my scholarship kicks back in in january,
and i won't be so stressed or burnt out!
hooray!
and if i don't get into the nursing program i will have that entire next year to finish up my psych stuff before reapplying for nursing without the stress of trying to do everything at once.
i've been looking forward to taking anatomy since my first semester back and i'm excited to be able to take it and concentrate on getting a good grade in it without stressing over a bunch of other classes.
i think the best part is that it's a balanced way of looking at things.
i tend to lack that in my daily life.
i was so set on either taking a 17 credit course load or just not going at all and it totally doesn't need to be like that!
it feels good to figure it out.
and it feels good to have a breakdown over things every once in a while.
the more i refuse to give in,
harder on myself i am when it inevitably happens.
but when i allow it to happen,
i feel so much better when it's done!
balance,
in combination with
moderation, conservation, and a little less self depreciation.
and that my friends feels like a good place to be.