two hundred twenty seven

to find personal truths through the secrets of strangers...

i just can't get enough.

two hundred twenty six

its yucky weather today.  and i love it.

here are some other things i love:

- spending quality time with the little bro

-chilling with rockstar, yes, she will ALWAYS top my list!

-getting together with friends you haven't seen in a while and realizing that some relationships will never change.

-the goo goo dolls

-adele's new cd

-doing well on a dreaded anatomy exam

-getting enough sleep

-staying warm when its cold outside

-pink blackberrys

-snugging with cute boys

-hanging out with my siblings and not wanting to be anywhere out in the world

have a fabulous day!  :)

two hundred twenty five

it was the world's best friday the 13th!

it's 6:30 am on friday, feburary 13, 2009 and i get a call from alisa.  her water broke and she couldn't get ahold of her mom.  i went straight up to watch alexander and jaxon and we could barely contain our excitement!  they were so stoked to have a new baby in their family!  the hardest part was keeping them distracted until mom delivered!  all they wanted to do was go see "their baby" at the hospital.  it was adorable!

to pass the time we hung out at home and played for a while, ran some errands, and hit up starbucks for "milkshakes."  we even stopped by sherla's house to play for a bit with rockstar and oakley!  they were thrilled to see the boys!  we were eating lunch on the train at shivers when jason finally called to say that baby fox had arrived!

introducing dayne xavier fox.  19.25 inches, and just 6 pounds, 4 ounces!  he is so little, but just perfect!!!  the boys and i jumped back in the car so that they could finally meet their baby brother.  they were so cute and were able to give baby d his first bath!  

i had to work that afternoon but was lucky enough to be working just one floor up in the same hospital!  i delighted in stopping in throughout the day and after my shift to spend some time with the fox family.  congrats on their new addition!  what a perfect little family!

two hundred twenty four

dear meg,

if i was invisible,

i would just watch you in your room!

hahaha

dear _____,

something always brings me back to you.

it never takes too long.

no matter what i say or do,

i still feel you here

till the moment i'm gone.

i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity,

but you're on to me-

and all over me.

dear everyone else,

i'm totally a zombie today.

i'm blogging in class in order to attempt staying awake after working a killer grave shift.

i got everything done and the charge nurse told me to go take a nap at 5am,

so i did.

too bad she forgot to wake me up and a patient's family was sent back to the room to find me sleeping in their bed!

i was seriously SO embarrassed.

and startled, and insanely disoriented.

but mainly just really embarassed.

so i was stoked to get outta there

assoonaspossible

yikes.

in other news, 

i had to get a restraining order against a crazy man who wouldn't leave me alone.

super fun.

not.

icky.

boys are bad news.

except for the fox boys.

alex, jax, and xavier to the rescue!

i heart them.

in even better news,

i went bowling with the fox familia and rob,

and my dad and my sisters came too

and it was uber fun!

i am definitely not a bowler by any stretch of the imagination,

but i bowled a 141!

bom chicka wah wah!

and yes, 

the bumpers WERE on.

:)

you know you love me!

xoxo

two hundred twenty three

since interest rates are so low, a few months ago i refi-ed my car.

when the original loan was paid off i apparently i sent in a little too much, so i received this nifty cool check in the mail...

preeeetttty sure it cost them more to print and mail me the check than the amount the check is actually good for!

i'm blown away and naturally needed to snap a pic!  

hahahahahahahahaha

two hundred twenty two

Its funny how just when you need it, you are reminded of exactly what you've known all along-

"That sometimes in life you're gonna fall,
Lose your grip,
Trip and fall.
When you can't lean on no one else,
That's when you find yourself.
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walking's easy when the road is flat
But dang those hills'll get you every time.
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we can learn how to CLIMB."

Strength for the climb 2oo4,
And going the distance,
And one step at a time.

And regardless of the outcome,
You do what you can do,
And in the end that's all that's asked of you.

two hundred twenty one

Let the breakdown continue.
He's a jerk.
I'm a baby.
I finally cracked and called her.
She said she was thrilled.
She said she wasn't disappointed.
And I finally started to cry.
Like 3 big crocodile tears,
But lots of sniffles,
And head nods,
And "okay"s.
And I felt a little better.
And it had nothing to do with the fact that I'd just bought a pair of $300 boots.
But I'm still exhausted.
And frustrated.
And sad.
And I hate that.
But at least I'm willing to admit it.
This time...

two hundred twenty

so she says she doesn't understand why i don't understand,

because apparently i understand it all a little too well...

i just can't won't take a step.

i'm frustrated.

(she's frustrated.)

she brings up the term

"mentally masturbating"

and it makes me mad.

because what does that even mean???!!!

then she dares to mention

BPD

and it makes me furious.

so upset in fact that i spit out the truth.

i almost start to cry.

and she calls it a breakthrough.

what do i do?

...shut down...

ever so naturally.

because i'm sick of working in circles.

sick of wondering why i lack the motivation to act,

opposed to torturing myself with the cyclical analysis of it all.

at the end she casually says

thank you for your honesty

and tells me to

embrace my weaknesses.

she has no idea how piercing that honesty feels as it courses out of me

as unfiltered as it was in that impulsive instant of pure truth.

i feel bad that i've cracked.

that she's seen that i'm broken.

and that the facade can never be resurrected.

she tells me to come back next week-

i say i'll see her in like, a month, maybe.

she says to call if i need anything.

and i simply smile as i

walk.out.the.door

because i'm bored, and stuck, and exhausted.

and i really just need a diet coke

and a few other things

and a break from it all.