fifty four

[what a great day]
i
went to class,
met dad for lunch,
went to the spa,
got to chat with steve,
played at the park,
stopped by nordies,
noelle did my makeup,
went to dinner with friends,
drove home feeling happy

between the texts, calls, hugs, and emails, i have seriously never felt so loved in my life! its crazy, but so awesome! i'd have to say that the best part by far was getting to chat with steve. i am so incredibly excited for him to come home! he is so flipping cute!!! 56 days to go...

good night! :)

fifty three

tomorrow night
8:30
gateway
see you there!

fifty two

marilyn monroe.

wise women kiss but don't fall in love, listen but don't believe and leave before they are left.

summed up pretty simply.

no matter the intentions, i still wind up running on empty

fifty one

[i love]
being able to see the lights all across the valley at night...
seeing the moon peak through the branches of a pine tree...
the smell of rain...
warm towels, just out of the dryer...
hitting molca salsa at 3 am...
star gazing and snugging at the same time...
pedis at the end of spring...
campfires and brighton songs...
graham crackers and chocolate frosting...
white powerade...
when a friend leaves an unexpected message just to say hello...
lounging around and being perfectly content to do so...
[the important things in life]

fifty

really, i am so happy to be onto my fiftieth post because i hate spelling the number forty. i always want to put a "u" in it, like in the number four! lame, i know, but whatev!

the last few days have been insanely busy, but hopefully i'll get an awesome comission out of it, so i'm trying to stay optimistic! :) i'm actually trying to stay optimistic that my check covers my purchases made in the last few days! i sure hope so. i'm like a shopping addict, i can't stop!

tomorrow i have to give a presentation on communism to my history class and my 2 partners both dropped the class so i'm flying solo and i'm so nervous! yikes! hopefully it'll go alright!

tonight i'm glad we closed at 7 so i can try to get some studying in and prepare for my psych midterm for tomorrow. and i'm happy to be with my rockstar! i love her, even though she always falls asleep before all the homework is done! haha



good night!

forty nine

tomorrow is gonna be crazy and i feel like if i try go to bed now i may not wake up on time cuz i'll still be so tired and that would not be good! so here i am blogging it up... lately i've been thinking:

-hooray for summer semester coming to a end!
-i'm SO stoked for steve to come home in just 67 days!
-life is crazy and sometimes frustrating, but i really do love it.
-tonight was set-up for the anniversary sale and i actually thought it was fun
-my dog is so freaking cute!
-i wish people were a lot less judgemental and assuming
-i got back in contact with hailey and it makes me so happy!
-if i never want to go back to cfc i need to work harder
-jared and i are NOT getting back together, so he can save his smooth talking charm for his clients at work
-it was so fun having lunch with chris today and kristen is darling. i'm so glad they're together!
-i don't know if that party's going to work out for the 24th but i really hope it does
-apparently everyone at cfc thinks i'm doing crappy and to be perfectly honest, it makes me feel bad
-why does everyone constantly assume that you are the company you keep? does individuality and character count for nothing?
-there's a super cute new guy in our department and nick and i agree that i should date him. or at least take him for a test drive
-my nordie card is ready to go tomorrow at 3pm! hooray for new clothes!!!
-mitch is supposed to stop by around 3...who knows if it'll actually happen
-is there ever a loophole in "families are forever?" i hope not, but i want to make sure my bases are covered
-i really need to get out of my house
-will pam hurry up and finish her house so i can move into it?!
-why is it that there's always so much i want to say to certain people, but for the life of me i can't ever just say it?
-i love the fact that tomorrow's always a new day. thank goodness! :)

forty eight

Every single day
I walk down the street
I hear people say,
"Baby" so sweet
Every since puberty
Everybody stares at me
Boys/girls
I can't help it baby
So be kind
Don't lose your mind
Just remember that I'm your baby
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
Take me baby or leave me
A tiger in a cage
Can never see the sun
This diva needs her stage
Baby - let's have fun!
You are the one I choose
Folks'd kill to fill your shoes
You love the limelight too, baby
So be mine or don't waste my time
Cryin' - "Honeybear - Are you still my baby?"
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
No way - Can I be what I'm not
But hey - Don't you want your girl hot!
Don't fight - Don't lose your head
Cause every night- Who's in your bed?
Who's in your bed, baby?
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
Take me baby
Or leave me
Guess I'm leavin'
I'm gone!

forty seven

Why do people commit suicide?



Why do people cut themselves?



Why do girls become anorexic and bulimic? Why do kids bring guns to school?



Why do kids get so depressed...that they start needing meds, and end up abusing them?



Why do girls feel the need to act like sluts to impress guys? Why cant people show their sexuality freely, without worrying about being judged? WHY AS A COUNTRY DO WE KICK A 26 YEAR OLD LOST GIRL WHEN SHES AT HER LOWEST POINT? DO WE WANT TO TURN ON THE TV ONE DAY AND SEE SOMEONE WHO JUST COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE, AND AT 26 YRS OLD TOOK HER OWN LIFE?In the Bill Of Rights, it says we have FREEDOM OF SPEECH So why are we so afraid to speak up for ourselves?



I KNOW WHY

Cliques

"Gangstas"

"Preps"

"Nerds"

"Goths"

"Emos"

"Scene//Hardcore kids"

"Punks"


THATS NOT EVEN HALF OF THEM

Society in general


We live in a world where if you're not skinny, not beautiful, not sexy, not straight...you're tortured, abused, and humiliated. We say that we are all equal but there is still racism, sexism, and people judging others based on their religion, color, size, heritage, ect...

IS THIS AMERICAN?




IS THIS THE NATION WE LIVE IN AND FIGHT WARS TO SUPPORT?



I AM SICK OF IT!
Stereotypes and everything else.
I want to live in a good place, without suicide, rape, murder, and
JUDGEMENT!



I want to stop the madness.
If I only reached out to 1 or 2 people thats fine.
At least MY concience is clear...
HOW ABOUT YOURS?
<>

forty six

first of all, it is seriously H-O-T right now and i'm dying! but roxy wants to play outside so i guess i'm stuck out here for a bit. oh well! :) secondly, welcome to math procrastination 101. i am not looking forward to taking the time to figure out random arithmatic that i'll never use again. practical application? zilch. anyway, things have thankfully been pretty chill today and i've been SO productive! yeah! i got my car all fixed, paid some bills(my least favorite of the things i get to do now that i'm a "grown up," and have decided that i should make an attempt(no promises) to spend a little less frivolously. we'll see how that goes...but i've done pretty good for today at least! okay, i guess i'll start my hw now so i can play later tonight. hooray for slumber parties! hey billy, mexican or american?! later alligator!

forty five

i'm about karma, not superstition, but today IS friday the 13th.

after the nordie anniversary rally i got in yet another car accident, and as i watched my cute car getting towed away with its temporary license plates still taped on, i realized that this is my third accident in three months. and the last one happened on my way home from a nordstrom sale rally! how crazy is that! the good news is that my car will be fine and lots of hot guys stopped to offer their assistance! yeah! it could have been a lot worse!

today i also ended up ruining roxy's juicy couture shirt, my new top, and favorite joe's, and spilled pink nail polish all over my mom's car interior. not surprisingly i was stressed out and decided to skip out on my math class. too bad there was an exam today. oh well. he'll let me take it later.

so in concordance with today's wonderful events, my hair appointment at landis resulted in my hair is now being jet black. at least now my hair color is consistent with my mood!

stay away from black cats and ladders.
peace.

forty four

time slips, i slip.
tomorrow's a new day...
but its all the same.
the dice are cast,
the pattern set,
still waiting on that winning bet.
life goes on, so do i.
i swim and swim,
yet where's the top?
i'm sinking low,
my life's a mess,
why am i sick in my perfectness?
so few know through pretty eyes,
a smile, a shrug,
see through my lies?
they're all fooled,
and so am i,
i wink at myself with my own eye.

i'm tired and ready to quit the game i've set up for myself, but i can't. i'm not a quitter. i don't do failure. i can't because i don't know how to stop it without everything crashing down. again. i'm sick of picking up the pieces. and she's just waiting to say "i told you so."

forty three

today i had therapy and was so honest it blew my mind. i said exactly what i've been thinking, exactly what i'm feeling(or not feeling), and was honest about exactly what i'm doing right now. i thought she'd be ticked and threaten to kick me out of therapy, but she didn't. aside from our usual sarcasm and banter, it was real. completely in the moment. and the words coming out of my mouth were somehow coming from the me that's buried deep behind the superficial appearance. as cool as it would be to say it was some "breakthrough session, full of emotion and tears, and that my facade finally cracked and i was suddenly congruent again," it wasn't. but whatever it was, it felt good. now i just have to figure out WHY it still feels like the right thing for me to keep doing what i'm doing...

aWORKinPROGRESS.

forty two

math equation.
lb-kg
by dividing 2.2
and in-cm
by dividing .39

kg x 9.6
+ (cm x 1.85)
- (age x 4.68)

x 1.3-1.7=
bam.

apparently a magic number is 1423.3
but 21.97 feels like 3.97 too much.

the.sun.will.come.out.tomorrow

forty one

[today]
i'm over your lies
and i'm over your games
i'm over you asking me
when you know i'm not okay.

high fructose corn syrup is in everything.
people should recycle more.
i finally opened a nordstrom account
and have successfully charged over $500 in 3 days.
but i love it.
just in time for anniversary!
bob's brainfreeze is a god send.
i miss hailey.
melissa switched me so i can have sunday off.
still working on the power of positive thinking.
never enough time to watch simple life.
i hate lying, especially when i'm the one doing it.
by the look of my car i am the mother of two toddlers
and on the outside i'm waterspotted.
the new rascal flatts song is awesome!
steve comes home in 81 days.
i should really figure some things out.
maybe i'll go down to corona del mar next weekend.

[peace]

forty

last night alex got his first shot- of whipped cream in the face!
the girls had a blast
i had a panic attack
and the cops showed up
but that's apparently the sign of a successful party, right?
the fireworks were awesome and mom's cake rocked my world!
i can't wait till the 24th.
get ready t!

thirty nine

i just want to say happpy fourth of july! today is beautiful, i got to sleep in, play a bit with roxy, and then will work for a few hours before watching fireworks with josh. it'll be fun. i am so grateful for this amazing country and feel so blessed to live in a nation that allows us such freedom and security. proud to be an american is an understatement! have a great day!

thirty eight

right now i'm feeling kinda stuck.
kinda not wanting to work at getting back up, but not at a rock bottom.
things are steadily rocky. a total oxymoron huh? but it applies to my life 100%. i went to group tonight and heard "someone" give her recovery story. i'm not sure why i even drove down. it made me feel worse, not better. thats kinda been the trend with IOP groups lately...

so right now i'm feeling, ...or not feeling. funny how that works. i can't quite figure it out anymore. not all the time, like before, just sometimes. this is one of those times. people have told me that no matter what's going on, i will get through it. i keep reiterating that to myself but i still feel like i'm slipping back into the black every so often. i wish i could absorb incongruence until it was truth.

since i obviously can't verbalize things effectively anymore(probably cuz i can't even figure out what i'm trying to say) and am so busy that i can't journal, or even remember the last time i felt something deeply enough to cry over it, maybe songs can help me figure things out...

so here's my snippet for the night- coming from taylor swift:

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

kinda cliche, but something about it jumps out to me. i'm not sure what. maybe the coming undone part! anyway, i gotta pull myself together for my classes tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to actually get it all done tonight!

ciao.