one hundred ninety two

"bless me father for i have sinned..."
in the catholic church all mortal sin is absolved only through the sacred act of confession.
and although i've never been in a cathedral for mass,
i can only imagine what that priest would say:
stay away from the drinks,
keep your clothes on,
try avoiding those that will tempt you to stray...
so on the eve of my 21st birthday
i'd be willing to hear his sermon
if he'd grant me just one birthday wish-
but unfortunately those priests you call "Father"
apparently don't play the role of genie as well...
let the countdown begin.

one hundred ninety one

advice from others is about as diverse as my own feelings on the situation.
they say to take a risk.
they say to fight for the things i want in life.
they say to take a stand.
they say to let it go.
but it gets to a point when things go on for too long and enough is enough.
i come to my senses and realize that i deserve better.
mid kiss last night the thought pops into my head,
that he will never be one to tell me what he wants,
to push for what's important to him,
to just be a man.
he's too selfish for those thoughts.
and that's okay.
it's pretty much the biggest turn off of my life.
i come to the abrupt conclusion that that boy will do whatever i say,
and that takes all the fun out of it.
the passion was gone and the moment was d r a g g i n g,
so i stop kissing him and walk away.
it feels final.
and it feels good.
because i've been there and done that,
and feel no sense of loss
when thinking of how that was the last time my lips will ever linger on his.

one hundred ninety

allow me to document the most depressing day of my life. its true, i bought a pair of crocs. i am utterly mortified and embarrassed to have willingly succumb to the social pressure. as you can see i was less than thrilled. i tried to think of every other possible option for footwear and finally gave in. the fact is, when it comes to smelly old people and their bodily fluids while doing clinicals in the hospital, i really don't want to worry about ruining pair after pair of perfectly accent coordinated nikes. crocs i can rinse off and wear only on shifts. its practical. and let's be honest, the only time anyone can ever hope to carry off crocs is when wearing scrubs. so crocs it is, well at least until i'm done with the icky part of direct patient care! it was a sad, sad day indeed!

one hundred eighty nine

call me insightful...
call me dense for taking so long to figure it out...
i've come to the conclusion that balance is truly worth seeking in this crazy life of mine.
and i've noticed a pattern...
approximately two weeks into a semester,
and approximately one week before finals,
i am a hot mess.
i think it's because 2 weeks into new classes i begin to grasp the entirety i am attempting to accomplish in 16 weeks,
and a week before finals i realize that no amount of time in the world could possibly make me feel secure in my academic abilities that will soon need to be proven and on display.
so i stress.
and i worry.
and i get a little crazy.
ideally i would anticipate these impending freak outs and plan for them.
but i'm known to be a little bit compulsive.
and driven.
and straight up stubborn.
so instead i run until i hit the wall and have a breakdown.
then i feel bad that i couldn't hold it together and the cycle of negativity keeps on spinning.
and it usually ends in something i regret doing.
and feel guilty for.
and end up having to confess in therapy.
there are lots of possibilities.
take your pick.
today was one of those breakdowns in which i felt overwhelmed.
and burnt out.
and
out.of.control.
i was pondering the fact that i would need to pay for school next semester because i took too many classes in a 12 month period and used more than my allotted scholarship amount.
whoops.
lame.
is nothing to be commended of over achievement?!
and then i started thinking about how much i just didn't want to go to school anymore.
i could graduate with my BS in psych next semester but then i wouldn't be getting my BS in nursing.
as easy as that seems,
and as sick of school as i am,
i know i want my BSN and would regret not taking the time to get it.
but i want it now!
i just want them both right now, okay?!
call me indecisive.
call me demanding.
call me insatiable.
there's no negating the fact that when it comes to getting what i want,
patience is in a state of nonexistence.
i was on the phone with my cute dad,
who is mr. "remember your #1 priority is school" and i totally had a melt down.
thank goodness i was in the car because i was straight up sobbing and would have been really embarrassed to be seen in public.
i just couldn't hold it together anymore.
i'd been trying to decide what to do next semester for the past few weeks but nothing seemed like a good plan of attack.
do i really spend the money if i don't really want to go?
do i take a semester off so that i can come back dedicated and refreshed?
i deserve a break.
i've completed 66 credits in 12 months and it's just about killed me.
a break would mean having to wait until jan 2010 to even apply for the nursing program and even then it's no guarantee i got in.
decisions, decisions...
well believe it or not,
a decision was made.
and it was actually a good one!
i've decided to go to school next semester but to only to take one class.
human anatomy's my last prerequisite before applying for the nursing program and even though i won't be on track to have all of my psych major done before starting nursing like i'd planned,
it will save me from needlessly waiting another year before application,
it will keep me in school without paying a full load's worth of tuition until my scholarship kicks back in in january,
and i won't be so stressed or burnt out!
hooray!
and if i don't get into the nursing program i will have that entire next year to finish up my psych stuff before reapplying for nursing without the stress of trying to do everything at once.
i've been looking forward to taking anatomy since my first semester back and i'm excited to be able to take it and concentrate on getting a good grade in it without stressing over a bunch of other classes.
i think the best part is that it's a balanced way of looking at things.
i tend to lack that in my daily life.
i was so set on either taking a 17 credit course load or just not going at all and it totally doesn't need to be like that!
it feels good to figure it out.
and it feels good to have a breakdown over things every once in a while.
the more i refuse to give in,
harder on myself i am when it inevitably happens.
but when i allow it to happen,
i feel so much better when it's done!
balance,
in combination with
moderation, conservation, and a little less self depreciation.
and that my friends feels like a good place to be.

one hundred eighty eight

the caterpillar story:

for abby! :)

one day alisa, alexander, jaxon and i were playing at the park. we were playing in the sand and alexander found a caterpillar! he named him fred and brought him to play all over the park. in the mean time i found another caterpillar and named her lula mae (after audrey hepburn's holly golightly's character in breakfast at tiffany's). i kept trying to have jaxon hold lula mae but every time she started crawling on him he would freak out and shake her off of his arm! it must have been a reflex or something... it was hilarious! alex was nice enough to take fred over to the giant twisty slide and allow fred to take his turn down the slide first. when alex could no longer see fred he went down the slide himself. bad idea buddy. alexander gets to the bottom of the slide and can't find fred anywhere! he turns his back toward me and i spot unfortunate little freddy- stuck to the back of alexander's shorts! he was still wiggling a little bit and i didn't want to touch the semi smooshed caterpillar so i had alex take him off of his shorts and "somehow" fred ended up crawling home to his momma caterpillar in the bushes bordering the playground. we "couldn't find fred" before we left so we took lula mae home with us instead. i remember catching caterpillars in hawaii when i was in kindergarten and having them turn into beautiful monarch butterflies and really wanted lula mae to metamorph at well! so we made her a little home (thanks to alisa) and i went home for the night. the next morning i showed up to check on lula mae and was informed that we somehow "mixed up" the caterpillars and actually brought fred home instead. apparently alex was very upset that we forgot fred at the park! alex did a great job of checking on fred and giving him fresh sprinkles of water every day and a few days later we were thrilled to see that "fred" had turned into a cocoon! a few weeks after that we were checking on him and fred had become a butterfly!

but the story doesn't end there! we were so excited to see that fred the butterfly had emerged and immediately took him outside to fly away but he wouldn't fly! he just sat on his branch and wouldn't move so we left him outside all morning, hoping that we would check on him and find that he had flown away. no such luck. at one point he fell to the bottom of his make shift cage and i was thinking "how anticlimatic- catch a caterpillar, watch it's metamorphasis, and then the dumb thing dies. how disappointing!" jason came outside to see how we were doing and i signed to him that i thought fred might be dead. jason is an animal lover through and through (the man was petting and talking to the limp cat i ran over) and refused to believe fred was dead. he took fred out of his cage and suddenly fred stretches his wings twice and flies off into the backyard! jason and i were so excited to see him fly and were talking to alex but watching fred when all of a sudden alex starts bawling the saddest little cry ever! "come back to me freddie!" "i didn't want him to leave us yet!" "he was my pet butterfly!" "will you come back to me once you go visit your family?" it was so sad and the cutest thing i've ever seen! he spend the rest of the day watching for fred out of the windows and telling us all about how fred would come back to us.
and to this day every time alex sees a butterfly he says "i saw fred! he says hello to me!" unless its a pure white one, in which case he is always the first to inform us that "that's fred's grandma, she is going to tell fred where we are!"

the end! :)

one hundred eighty seven

perhaps i'm attempting to make up for my lack of posts while i'm gone, but i feel the need to document my public acknowledgement of the fact that i am an overpacker. it's true. admitting it is the first step, right? i'm packing for powell and am trying to only take the essentials, but am worried and convinced that i will end up there without something i need. therefore, i overpack. and my luggage becomes burdensome and i spend the trip thinking "why did i bring all of this stuff i don't need?" and i get irritated every time i take something out of my bag because i then need to repack the entire thing. lame! i'll be gone for 6 days on a lake- not at a cruise or at a club or somewhere that multiple wardrobe changes are expected, so how many tank tops, shorts, sweats, hoodies, jeans, swim suits, towels, etc are comfortably necessary? i may never know...

one hundred eighty six

i'd just like to hear your voice

and pretend to see,

any inch of you that hasn't said it all,

or read it all, or

sung my life away.

one hundred eighty five

what a great weekend.
-tell me, tell me- what did you do to celebrate this year?

-i had so much fun starting with NSL festivities, my parent's neighborhood breakfast, heather's bbq, sugarhouse fireworks, hitting hobbitville, the numerous party hopping, attempting to iceblock, swimming at rob's, etc...

-here was my favorite ecard in commemoration of the holiday:

-really though, i'm so grateful to be a part of such a wonderful nation. i'm not saying we're perfect, every country has it's problems, but in spite of that, i am so proud to be an american! i love having the freedom to live my life the way i see fit, to be free of persecution for the things i believe in, and to feel safe in knowing that i trust 100% in the principles our nation was founded on. i even love the cheesy songs. more than anything, i love seeing a holiday in which masses of people who see themselves as being so different from one another find a way to gather together and celebrate on common ground...even if it means on blankets at sugarhouse park as fireworks are flying, someone is blasting mariachi music, country music is instumentally playing in the background, and the man next to me starts passionately singing the star spangled banner at the top of his lungs! for reals, God bless the USA! :)

-this may be a wee bit inappropriate to post online, but whatevvvs. i thought it was hilarious. i'm sitting in the car on the way to rob's when jason gets a call from him and says "we're on our way, we just needed to pick alana up. she was getting a brazillian." he hangs up and i say "did alisa tell you that?" he says "huh? no, why?" i just laughed because what were the chances of him saying that? that's totally what i was busy doing this morning! and he really had no idea!

-i forgot to take my contacts out last night and my eye really hurts today. bummer.

-the best week of the entire year starts on monday and i could not possibly be more excited! i heart lake powell!!!!

one hundred eighty four

today's text:

it's 93 degrees,

raindrops the size of gumballs are pounding my freshly washed car,

and i somehow found it insanely poetic to drive around with my sun roof

wide open.