one hundred ninety six

i tried to remember this quote as people were sharing their favorite quotes and i totally butchered it. so here's the real deal:

i loves it. but the trick comes in learning to believe it...

one hundred ninety five

what the (insert your favorite word here) is going on?!

i have an awesome life- for the most part. but some things just bug and i need to vent because i promised my therapist i'd journal before i did anything destructive. why journal here and not on my private blog? because i just went to a freaking treatment reunion last night and feel bad about not being honest when i'm struggling with things. dang it! so here's what's on my mind:

rant #1: my anxiety is out of control.
you would think it would be better now that i'm out of school and have made the decision not to go back at all next semester but it's not. i am a freaking basket case and feel like i'm going insane. i almost didn't go to clinicals one morning because i was to anxious to walk from the chair i'd fallen asleep in to my car because i'd have to go through the garage out to my car in the driveway and it was still dark out. yesterday at the ED conference shindig i was so anxious about getting up from my seat to go to the bathroom that i almost wet my pants. for reals. who cares if you get up to go to the bathroom?! apparently in that moment i cared immensely.

rant #2: i am lacking a treatment team.
my dietitian no longer works at cfc, which is fine since i haven't seen her for over a year anyway, but there's a sense of security in knowing she was there if i ever needed help and now that security is gone. i haven't seen a psychiatrist in my life except for dr. ellis at cfc because i'm totally opposed to them (not for other people, just for myself) and their pill subscribing happiness. i didn't really need one because during the time that i accepted the fact that i may be in need of a little medication i was able to get them through my pcp. her office screwed me over and so now i don't have a doctor either. so i finally set my pride aside and got a referral for a psychiatrist and don't you worry they can "squeeze me in" near the end of october. thanks folks, super helpful.

rant #3: i am blind.
not truly blind but i fear i am getting there. my eyes have been getting red and irritated with my contacts and it was about time for a new prescription so i didn't think it was weird that things were all blurry or that my eyes were starting to water frequently. maybe i had allergies? what was weird was that i found myself unable to be in bright light- especially outside in the sunlight without dark sunglasses on. my eyes were too sensitive. i know that i'm chinese and squinty already, but this was like super squinting and even then i couldn't see! bad news. so i go in to my opthamologist after having to pull off on the side of the freeway while driving up a canyon because i couldn't even see to drive and am told i have not one but two nifty ulcers in my right eye and maybe some forming on my left eye. wtf?! i didn't realize eyes could even get ulcers! congratulations fount of knowledge, indeed they can. the scary part is that even after you get them to heal, they will leave permanent scars on your cornea. i'm trying to be chill but i'm not gonna lie, it totally scares me. i really don't want to go blind at 21. so my eyes are red, i'm walking around my house with the lights off and blinds closed, and i still have sunglasses on. bummer. the worst was being at cfc yesterday and having to explain it to everyone who assumed i either had pinkeye (gross, i've never had it, but gross), was crying all day long (probably because recovery is such an emotional endeavor to be talking about), or was straight up stoned (thank you nicole hawkins). obviously i can't wear contacts and i can't drive because i can't put my sunglasses over my regular glasses and so i'm essentially homebound with the eyesight of a mole. fantastic.

rant #4: my mother is insanely triggering to me.
most people have triggers like a pair of pants fitting snuggly (and dude that sucks!), or celebrity photos in magazines or movies. although none of those made me feel like parading in downtown SLC wearing a string bikini, i have discovered that nothing makes me more emotionally volatile than my mom. that sucks because i love her and i love being with my sibs, but the more i'm around her, the more unbalanced and detrimental my life becomes. we got in a big fight last night and she took the key to her house off of my key ring, and told me to never come back. who says that to their child?! i'll be honest, i was thinking of employing some pretty negative coping mechanisms and it made me so mad because i had just come from cfc where i felt so grounded and content. it blows my mind how she can affect me so quickly and intensely. i didn't feel like fighting with the thoughts in my head so i just went to bed. sometimes that is my saving grace. just going to sleep so things can't bother me anymore. so with my dad working all the time, my room mate being gone till next week, and no longer being welcome at my parent's house (according to sherla) (nor do i have a key to it), i feel totally lonely! at the same time all i want to do is isolate. no bueno, but i know that this is a situation only i can get myself out of so we'll see how the day progresses...

rant #5: i took the semester off to relax and i'm already overbooked.
i got a job at a treatment center for adolescent girls and i'm stoked. i don't know if i ever really thought i'd be in a healthy enough place to work as a tech, but i strived for it and all of a sudden here i am. i submitted applications all over because i didn't want to depend on just one job and then not get hired. so then i get a call from the U hospital offering me a position in their same day surgery unit. i told them about my other job offer and they said they would give me hours that wouldn't conflict so i said yes. this is wonderful news because i am insanely in debt and would really like to be able to keep my car (not that anyone can really afford to be driving around with gas prices as high as they are) and i need all of the hours i can get so i don't need to feel so stressed about money. i'm trying so hard to be an adult and not have my dad pay for things. i appreciate his help but i've gotten myself into this mess and it's my responsibility to get out of it. so i may be working insane hours, graveyard shifts at the hospital, etc... but hopefully it will put me in a better place by the time i go back to school in the spring.

rant #6: recovery's still hard sometimes.
i left treatment a long time ago and at this point i have a hard time being patient with results. i feel like i've totally put in the work and seen some results but i want it all to just go away for good. sitting in that conference yesterday i was thinking about my recovery and what pieces of my eating disorder i still secretly hold on to. i don't want to be holding on to any of it. i thought of a few that had perhaps been in the back of my mind, and maybe i just wasn't ready to admit them yet, but now i'm looking forward to bringing them up in therapy and working on them and getting rid of them. it was so great to see everyone at the reunion. there were a lot of people i didn't know, but enough that i did know and it felt good to know that we all share in a common struggle and can support each other through it. i have come so far from where i was when i went into treatment and i'm proud of myself, but sometimes i still worry that it isn't far enough. i feel like i need to verbalize everything i feel about recovery because if i step back for even a second i will go right back to my ED. it terrifies me. some days i feel so content in where i am in recovery, but there are still those days that i want nothing more than to go back to it. why? why do i get so far and then have the urge to sabotage it all? i felt so motivated and inspired while surrounded by so many courageous women. i felt so powerful- that together we truly could do anything. so why is it almost 2pm the day after, in a house all alone, and all i want to do is starve?

hey melissa- was this honest enough for you?

one hundred ninety four

summer 2008's been great!

even though the majority of my waking hours were spent logging countless hours in buildings on campus- lectures, labs, and review sessions galore- i still had some great times this summer. i love summer! but for reals, i will never do a summer semester again. there's too much to do during summer break and not enough time to do it all!

here are some of the highlights: i stuffed 8 pieces of week old pizza down the disposal and apparently that's no bueno. it definitely broke the disposal. i made jen try plunge it at 2 in the morning and had to hurry to snap this picture before she stopped plunging. various profanities ensued after she realized i was able to capture this, albeit blurry, picture. hil.ar.i.ous!

i built myself a dresser! thank you ikea for being a royal pain in product availability. but i love it so that's okay. i'm uber proud of myself!

i've been able to see anna lots this summer and it's been delightful! we've had so much fun going to dinner, having movie nights, going on double dates, etc... she's the best other half i could ever hope to have! please notice jake's grinch face in the background.

we hung out lots with tyler and jake. backyard bbqs, mini golf, projector movies under the stars, and much discussion of nielson's frozen custard. delish!

we went to the secondhand serenade concert and it was freezing. good, but freezing. jake insisted that a super bright star was a satellite but had to concede after it stayed in the same place for the entire night, that it could not be a satellite. we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and just say his satellite/star mistake was due to the fact that it was his first night in new glasses and his eyes were still getting used to the change in visual perception. whatevs! haha

happiness is a coke slurpee with a pink straw. i lived on these.

i hit up lake powell in july and got in some sweet jumps on the wakeboard. it was the highlight of the summer. i look forward to this one week all year long. it's so beautiful down there! it blows my mind!

i was rockin it on "kays rays." i sent this pic to patrick who was stuck in biochem. a few weeks later he went to powell without me. lame!

shlee and i hit the pool and had backyard swim parties so that oakley and rox wouldn't feel left out of our sunbathing rituals! if sunbathing was a offered at the u, i would major in it! for reals.

on july 30, i turned 21. crazy. i dont feel any different, just a little more legit. haha

anna took me to chilis for lunch on my birthday. and made the servers sing to me. and got it on video. and i was embarrassed and have to check everyday to see that she is not following through with her threat to post it on facebook.

we hit lagoon last week and riding the rides together made me think of her senior trip to orlando. good times. "merry christmas, welcome to florida!" haha i just love this girl!

i was set up with my DDF meke's cousin kasey for their family tradition of cousin date night last week saturday. it was a blast. i was uber proud of our aladdin puzzle. what can i say? we're pro. last night we met up with some of his buddies and their dates to play sand volleyball, have a fire in his backyard and make smores. classic. the best part- he is a country music fan. enough said! :)

sunshine and summertime.

what more could i ask for?!

one hundred ninety three

gidg sent me a text asking for my favorite memory of us, to just send her the first one that came to mind. my response had to do with a certain naked person hanging out on her bed and then i sent the memory text out to some of my friends. the responses were hilarious and totally made my day! i had forgotten about so many things!

here's the responses, maybe you were there for some of them and it can prompt some laughter in your life:
-alisa: "wow- nose piercing, new years, what if!"
-ali: "merry christmas, welcome to florida!!!" :)
-britta: "u bringing pink hangers 2 the center. i remember u standing there all confident about ur pink stuff! B"
-brie: "what if questions!"
-jen: "don't take my glasses, i can't see without my glasses!" "who's that crazy girl?!"
-katie: "connect 4"
-katherine: "getting my ear pierced and you taking all those damn pictures! scratch that. i think it was walking bridal veil falls with trace and jen. or one of our trips to red robin. or superbowl sunday."
-rachel: "when we got lost in the ghetto in california. and mike disney."
-savannah: "when i said you didn't have to pretend that everything was okay and that you could talk to me anytime. it was somewhere along those lines."
-hiccup: "my favorite memory is when we had that awesome long talk that night up at brighton."
-jessie: "us coming up with our own dances on the side :)"
-trina: "no one can top almost capsizing- soaking you and your scriptures and your ipod and going to church in a see through white skirt. that was great!"
-spencer: "the time we went to the dance together and everybody was getting drunk except for us. good times..."
-marie: "ruined ipod and wet dresses. :-D"

i think it's so funny to think of these memories as the first ones to pop into someone's head! tell me, what's the first thing that pops into your head when you think of us?!

one hundred ninety two

"bless me father for i have sinned..."
in the catholic church all mortal sin is absolved only through the sacred act of confession.
and although i've never been in a cathedral for mass,
i can only imagine what that priest would say:
stay away from the drinks,
keep your clothes on,
try avoiding those that will tempt you to stray...
so on the eve of my 21st birthday
i'd be willing to hear his sermon
if he'd grant me just one birthday wish-
but unfortunately those priests you call "Father"
apparently don't play the role of genie as well...
let the countdown begin.

one hundred ninety one

advice from others is about as diverse as my own feelings on the situation.
they say to take a risk.
they say to fight for the things i want in life.
they say to take a stand.
they say to let it go.
but it gets to a point when things go on for too long and enough is enough.
i come to my senses and realize that i deserve better.
mid kiss last night the thought pops into my head,
that he will never be one to tell me what he wants,
to push for what's important to him,
to just be a man.
he's too selfish for those thoughts.
and that's okay.
it's pretty much the biggest turn off of my life.
i come to the abrupt conclusion that that boy will do whatever i say,
and that takes all the fun out of it.
the passion was gone and the moment was d r a g g i n g,
so i stop kissing him and walk away.
it feels final.
and it feels good.
because i've been there and done that,
and feel no sense of loss
when thinking of how that was the last time my lips will ever linger on his.

one hundred ninety

allow me to document the most depressing day of my life. its true, i bought a pair of crocs. i am utterly mortified and embarrassed to have willingly succumb to the social pressure. as you can see i was less than thrilled. i tried to think of every other possible option for footwear and finally gave in. the fact is, when it comes to smelly old people and their bodily fluids while doing clinicals in the hospital, i really don't want to worry about ruining pair after pair of perfectly accent coordinated nikes. crocs i can rinse off and wear only on shifts. its practical. and let's be honest, the only time anyone can ever hope to carry off crocs is when wearing scrubs. so crocs it is, well at least until i'm done with the icky part of direct patient care! it was a sad, sad day indeed!