one hundred ten

i'm not gonna lie,
and i won't make a fuss,
but i've come down with
quite the case
of wanderlust.

one hundred nine

straight out of a fairy tale:

its christmas eve,
snow flittering down from the midnight sky,
that soft creamy blue streaked with a coat of grey.
the air's crisp and sweet like a peppermint kiss
and although usually convulsing with shivers galore,
i am perfectly warm when wrapped in his arms.
i know i'm steadily falling more and more
with every active thought attempting to convince myself otherwise,
but getting lost in those green eyes,
fingers laced within eachother,
he nuzzles in to smell my hair.
as a single snowflake lands on my nose,
he grazes my lips
and gives me the cutest,
most perfect single kiss
of my life.

[merry.christmas.indeed!]

one hundred eight

i could write a song about every little thing that goes wrong,
and i could write a song about every time that i fall.
but today i choose to forget it all-
i'm grateful for this day that i have to live
and for my health and for each breath i have to take in.
i'm grateful,
yeah i'm thankful,
and i'm grateful.
some days i'm not so great,
and nothing seems to go my way,
then i remember,
i remember,
that i have no right to complain,
it'd be a foolish thing to say
cuz i've been blessed.
and i'm grateful.
i'm grateful for the freedom that my country brings
and for the choice i have to sing what i want to sing.
i'm grateful for these worn out shoes that i wear
and i'm thankful cuz at least i have a pair.
and i'm grateful for the struggles in my life that i've had,
cuz its times like these that make me who i am.
i'm grateful,
yeah i'm thankful,
and i'm grateful.
-bianca merkley

one hundred seven

everyone who knows me knows that i am all for using made up otomatopia-esque and flippantly abreviated words. i am actually very amused and intruigued to hear people throw their own made up words into convos due to the fact that they seem to perfectly describe whatever they are trying to talk about. however, i have truly been in a fit of giggles tonight after seeing the term "frigtard" show up as a noun in brie's comment on whit's latest post! what the?! haha wow. its not my style, but very creative, and so very brie! therefore i love it! :) peace out homies!

one hundred six

jax and i stayed home and played while alisa took alexander to school for a few hours and as you can see, he is an absolute doll! really, could this kid be any cuter?! :)

one hundred five

i've decided that i need a break.
any one have some extras they'd like to pass my way?
no, but for real!

here's a little update:
-today i cut my hair.
-i met with alice and had the first productive session in who knows how long.
-i've been told to reconsider going back to nicole and am so confused.
-apparently seeing melissa today went great...
-she told me to go get a massage.
-but by the end of the theraputic day i've never felt more detached, apathetic, or impassive in my life.
-all that i know is that i'm sick of it all.

to be perfectly honest here-
honestly, i'm just a bit worn out.
honestly, i don't have a single drug in my system.
honestly, i haven't been drinking.
(although honestly, a bit of water from time to time would probably help)
honestly, i'm not being too reckless, too impulsive, or too unmeditative.
honestly, i'm not suicidal.
because honestly,
i'm not one to give up.

but i am going to take a break. really, i'm just going to take some space. i'm totally still around so don't worry, but i'm done with the whole group thing for a while. no more IOP, no more myspace, facebook, cfc alumni board, any of it. i'll still post on here so if you really want to know what's going on feel free to stop by. otherwise, here's your heads up. don't feel neglected, or abandoned, or forgotten, and for goodness' sake, PLEASE don't feel offended by my lack of communication. don't worry your pretty little head. don't wonder where i am. i'm sure at some point i'll resurface, and hopefully things will be better!

ciao bellas...

one hundred four

12:04
for blue skies...
lips chapped,
skin tight,
fingers thoroughly numb.
those cracks in sidewalks,
running away from the streets i know.
pounding, pounding,
blinked away
alongside every exhale.
ipod fully loaded,
literally running in circles
but disappearing for hours
even if only in my mind.

[i'm not missing you at all]

one hundred three

[quote of the day]

i forced my family to be festive and get a christmas tree tonight. upon having the tree continue to topple as my dad continuously rearranged the tree in its stand, he suddenly stood back, looked at the tree for the hundredth time within a minute and proclaimed, "Hmm...this thing's frickin' weird!"

haha i love him!!!

one hundred two

good news:
i am officially done with fall semester 2007!

cheeyeah baby!!! i can honestly say that i wasn't sure if this semester would ever come to an end. honestly, there were a few moments that i thought it would all be the end of me! but it feel so freaking fantastic to be finished!!! here's to a fabulous break, fun times with friends, and lots and lots of christmas shopping!!!

have a great night! :)

one hundred one

again.
same old story
but today 3 up.
why?
i must be a glutton for punishment
because there's no escape to be found.
the screaming
over and over.
again.
same lines.
same excuses.
same threats.
just follow through for once.
dripping wet hair.
water now cold as ice.
but it still doesn't stop.
so i get out,
blast some music,
to get on with my day.
i let it slide,
just brush it off,
but i know its with me for the rest of my day.
again.

one hundred

the only thing harder
than looking perfect
is the effort required
to look flawlessly
"thrown together."

ninety nine

i know i just posted a poem, but things are on my mind so i figured i should just write about them... so i've kinda been having a hard time with some things, but don't want to be, since its christmas time and chanukah time and kwanza time! anyway, i finally dragged my butt out of my house and went out with two of my besties last night and felt so much better! i am so grateful to have them in my life! it makes me sad to read other friend's blogs and such and hear that they are having a hard time dealing with life too, its all just kinda depressing! so back to last night... we went shopping, hit costco, to dinner, and just chilled and it was SO great! we ended up watching Crash, which i still hadn't seen and as much as i know it was meant to open our eyes to the disgusting episodes of prejudice, racial profiling, and ethnocentrism that is still so rampant today, it made me sick to watch it! it made me wonder if our world is really becoming as bad a place as these movies portray. that someone will gun you don't if they take your joke the wrong way, that a woman only assumes you are a gang banger and are going to sell her out to your gang banger buddies, that a man is willing to show up and try to kill you over someone else breaking into his store. these things happen so frequently that it doesn't even phase us, and i think that's what scares me the most. i honestly do not understand why we can't all just respect each other, agree to disagree on our differences and just get along!!! the world is going to hell at this rate, and i don't want to be a part of that! i feel so vulnerable and i hate it. this game sucks... i quit!

ninety eight

if i could,
now'd be the time.
but i gave my word
so it'd better shine.
autonomous but seeming
to go hand in hand,
its pointless to argue
this deviation in plan.
one vote for,
but so many against
i try not to realize
that the stakes are intense.
prodding eyes knowing,
that all encompassing grin,
to supress for an instant
before you know what's within.
that foretale zing,
so-called magic potions,
ingnoring the fact
it will lead to explosion.
is that what this is really about?
walking that line
till my wick has burned out?
experience is a killer,
to live with or without...
i can't make up my mind
but don't blow me out.
don't think you know
more than i do.
you think you know the real me-
but i act this way for you.
a facade or becoming?
is that who i will be?
as detatched as i feel,
its still up to me.
so what would YOU choose?
REALLY commit?
tell me when
instead of living this life
waiting for it to end.

ninety seven

get.
out.
my space.
my deal.
leave me alone.
call me selfish-
but stop messing with my head!
everytime i think i've gotten over you
you apparate once more
engulfing my mind, my desires, my soul.
you become a pseudo passion
with which i simultaneously
yet desperately,
fuse and despise.
quirky,
kinky,
twisted,
i know.
priorities shattered like stemware
on a hard wood floor.
denial and guilt
cuz i've been here so many times before.
will i learn?
am i done?
the thrill is still there.
and that terrifies me.
these seconds i'm shaking
leave me
shuddering
for days.

ninety six

it is absolutely amazing how much better i feel after actually getting a decent night's sleep! i have just 3 classes, 2 study sessions, and 3 finals to go and then i'm done for fall 2007. heck yes. last night i finally said screw it and slept for more than 4 or 5 hours, took a nice lonnnnngggg shower, and actually got dressed for the first time in weeks as i listened to keith urban's greatest hits cd. it's a winner- let me know if you need a copy. so i'm going to do a bit more studying before hitting my 10:45 bio class and it feels good to not be so scatterbrained and frenzied! yay!

i was reading brie's blog about feeling like she's going through her days just waiting to die and therefore never really living, and it made me start to think about my life. i thought of the line dumbledore says in the first harry potter movie (yeah, i know that's totally dorky, but oh well!) when he tells harry that "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." how true is that! i'm always planning for this and that. trying to put the present on pause in order to adaquately prepare for the future. aspiring to plan, and do, and look back on perfection. but dude, it just doesn't work like that!

as much as i feel like i'm falling apart at times, i pretty much have things together in my life. and i have a great life at that! i have a family that loves me, the best dog in the world, the most amazing best friends i could have ever hoped for(even though everyone's spread all over the place from cali to vegas and as far as florida at times!), i love my job, i'm in school to do something that i love, i have enough money to cover my car payment(most months!), and for the most part i'm happy. i'm obviously not perfect- no one is- so what more could i ask for in my life? well, i could ask for a 2008 SC 430 to be sitting in my driveway from my ridiculously hot billionare husband that's desperately in love with me, but i'm trying to be realistic here :)

so i'm setting a new goal to live in the moment. to live for today, not in anticipation of the future. to not live with so much guilt. so what if i maxed out my nordstrom card? i love the stuff i got, right?! so what if i'm blogging instead of studying my brains out for my vocab test that's in an hour? its an optional test, why would i want to take it?!

okay well i'm going to study a just a little bit, so i'm out, but i hope whoever's reading this has a fabulous day!

ninety five

you know how people complain of writer's block?
i think i just have block-
like an all around life block.
really its just like an emotional block
in combination with writer's block, student's block, daughter's block, sister's block, friend's block, etc...
pretty much anything block-ish.
i know i'm just stressed with finals,
but it's like everything i do and say comes through this little screened filter before i am able to proceed with it.
and everything big, everything small, and everything in between has clogged it up.
i can't even think anymore
i feel paralyzed.
like an auto pilot that can't be turned off
so you just hope and pray it doesn't decide to crash.
i miss people but can never say it.
not in a serious way at least.
but i miss her.
a lot.
things are different and that's freaking me out!
remember how i'm totally NOT falling apart?!
okay good! haha
i find it intriguing how my mind is spinning so fast i can't keep up enough to form a complete strand of thought.
it's like i'm on speed-
but don't worry, i'm not.
i'm exhausted.
i'm out.
ciao.

ps...happy channukah!
(not a fan of matzo ball soup)

ninety four

im pretty sure the insomnia is just getting worse
as the apprehension builds in knowing i need to be up in a few hours.

i'm telling ya-
depression is going around like the flu
and so i'm wondering where to get vaccinated?

my head is spinning...
am i really going to show up to see alice tomorrow?
why? what will i say?
i'm so sick of the drive,
all alone in my head.
if melissa asks too many questions i may just have a meltdown
but as much as that scares me
it'd be such a relief.

where is all this disatisfaction coming from?
i'm a happy person.
i'm a happy person.
i'm a happy person.
rinse and repeat.

it was my choice-
i think i said the right words
i keep looking down to see if i'm bleeding
i didn't realize it was possible
to rip out your own heart.

i really AM a happy person!
.rinse.and.repeat.

ninety three

i love days like today-
snug and warm inside,
watching the snow flakes fall,
reading a good book,
resigned to lounge for the remainder of the day.
i'm a fan of hot apple cider,
of plesantly scented aromas diffusing out of candles
and into the surrounding air,
red flannel pjs-
reindeer printed in white,
and for just an instant in time,
not a worry in sight.

what is it about the holidays that automatically put me in a good mood? if anyone figures it out and finds a way to bottle it, please let me know where to place my order! :)