one hundred thirty four

i'm feeling a bit inadequate.

i know all we can do is try our best,
but doing so does not neccessarily equate to being satisfied with the results.
school is kicking my butt,
when i'm at work i feel bad that i'm not studying,
when i'm studying i feel bad that i'm sick of studying,
my dog is feeling neglected,
i'm irritated that every time i get into a studying groove i am inevitably interrupted,
i feel bad that i am bored with my therapist,
and i don't even have time for my friends.
i used to push friends away so they'd leave me alone with my e.d.
now i want to hang out but feel like there are a million more productive ways to be spending that time.
its a matter of priorities.
and struggling to choose the right ones.

the worst is that every time i force myself to go out, all i can think of the whole time is going home and getting back to studying. it makes me feel like a bad friend. dude, it is being a bad friend! i totally have been a negligent friend/family member/employee/member of society for at least the past month. there's no use trying to find an excuse for it because its true. and i feel horrible about it!

welcome to slacker 101.

case in point:
1. i showed up late to whit's surprise birthday dinner. you can't show up late for a surprise party- it kinda ruins the whole "surprise!" moment.
2. despite numerous messages of both casualty and concern, i haven't called people back for like a 2 weeks.
3. i wholeheartedly intended to call loni back within the hour, but its been at least 72 and i still haven't called.
4. i am totally bailing on the vegas road trip that i so enthusiastically encouraged.
5. every time t calls i say "hey girl! can i call you back?" do i usually remember to? no. sorry.
6. steve calls and i make up a lame excuse because truthfully, i'd rather continue the affair with my textbooks than make out (i mean go out) with him. the way i see it, boys come and go, but grades stay forever and essentially determine the course of the next two years of my life. its one of those "give up what you want now for what you want most" kind of things.
7. i read every chapter, aced every lab, and attended every lecture yet still failed my chem exam. ouch.
8. i didn't pay my car payment last month and probably won't this month either. not good.
9. i don't know how to say "i love your family, but i think i need a new job."
10. i also don't feel qualified to apply for anything other than burger king and due to straight up pride refuse to work there. and i really don't want to get rejected by anywhere else. shocker.
11. i should be grading psychology exams but am blogging instead.
12. i was confused when proctoring the exam and told a girl the wrong information for an essay answer she was trying to write. i just realized it now. when it's too late to let her fix it. yikes.
13. i forgot to buy my dog food- actually i didn't have the 40 buckeroos for her food and she had to go on a little crash diet till i finally asked my dad to spot me the cash. im kind of a bad mom.
14. i'm also kind of a bad daughter: i told my mom she couldn't borrow my car (her's is in the shop- a whole 'nother story) all because i didn't want her to use my car, my gas, my stuff. possessive much? what is that about?!
15. need i go on?

so, i guess aside from venting the (at times immense) feeling of inadequacy in aspects of life, i would like to apologize for being such a slacker friend to you all. i'm sorry if you've felt that i am ignoring you, avoiding you, or isolating from you. the isolating bit is only true part of the time. haha the majority though, is spent in frantic attempts to keep my sanity. sometimes juggling relationships feels like it will put me over the top so i ignore it and hope it will momentarily go away... no such luck so far, but i'll keep you posted. anyway, when i'm not a stressed out nut case, life is good. it really is. i've been blessed with a lot in my life and i need to stay aware of that. and when the studying's out of the way i am a lot more fun, i promise! so maybe in april/may of 2011, wanna hang out? let me know so i can schedule it in. (that's a joke. well, not entirely...)