one hundred eighteen

yikes. so i was on kbyu for this special that they did on eating disorders that aired tonight (ps, meekes you're in a picture that they used on it so i probably should have told you before it aired so you could watch it, but i was all paranoid since i hadn't seen it yet and so i didn't want to tell anyone about it being on. sorry!). dr. b & doc hardman were on it too, and as usual, they were great. of course i was freaking out and worrying that i looked wider than i am tall. now before you go off on saying how that's not possible, please take into consideration that i am barely 5'3, so being wider than my height seems like a true blue concern! anyway, it drives me crazy that to hear them talk about me as if i am all recovered because i know that being "in recovery" and "recovered" are two very different things. i feel like now i definitely need to get my recovery perfected because i don't want to be hypocritical to the things that were said. maybe that's some good motivation for me...? who knows... what i do know is that i HATE eating disorders. i hate everything about them. i hate how they aren't about weight or appearance and yet that's still how they manifest in your head. i hate how easy it is to slide back into negative thought patterns even after such hard work to try and tune them out. i hate how no matter how hard i work at overcoming Ed forever, but in a split second i am once again believing every negative thought in my head and back at square one in terms of feeling worthless. i hate how doing something like ED awareness and hopefully prevention by sharing my story sends me once again into feeling convinced that my life is inappropriately prioritized and that my main goal should be to lose a good 30 pounds. what the hell is that about?! really, could i be any more irrational?! i'm sure i'll talk myself through this one, i always do, but i just felt the need to vent that EDs really suck and i hate them. have a good night! :)