Wednesday, January 30, 2008

one hundred twenty six

not so much raves, its actually more of a rant.
be forewarned.
about girls that are mean...
i want to know why-
i want to know why a group of girls assembles at the beginning of the semester in my chemistry class and turns around, gives me a dirty look, or talks about me during every single class. i want to know what i've ever done to them that makes them feel so entitled to be such bitches... sorry for the language, but it really is fitting for their behavior. we are now a month into the semester and i have tried SO hard to ignore them and just do my thing. i don't talk to anyone so its not like i'm "that one kid" who always asks too many questions, talks too loudly to their neighbor, or struts in with a posse that is practically screaming to be challenged. no, i sit quietly, take copious notes, and jet as soon as it wouldn't no longer be considered rude to leave. i don't know these girls, so what do they have against me? honestly, i'm not trying to play the victim here, but i don't know why the heck i have been singled out to be gossiped about. isn't that hierachally a role reserved for the kids that pick their nose or are still wearing their tie dyed shirts or still excessively using their 1980-era hair crimpers? i tried telling myself to stop being so paranoid, but today, after a pretty crappy day in the first place, i'm running late for class and of course the only convenient seat to take is the one right in the row in front of them. so i take a deep breath, sit down and hear whispering followed by stiffled giggles and a voice saying in the fakest tone ever to "quit it and be nice." obviously i'm feeling so self conscious that i want to walk out and hide in a cave somewhere. i din't though, because i didn't want to have them looking at me as i walked out, and i reminded myself that i am in school for me, not for them or to get their approval, and that i shouldn't let my anxiety conflict with my desire to go to class. so i sat there for the first 2/3 of the class with eyes boring a hole- not just the back of my head, but pretty much the rest of my body and soul. being that our pompous professor takes personal offense to people getting up out of their seat while he is lecturing (he says if you are in class he expects you to respectfully remain in your seat till the lectures through), i am trying not to lose it so i discreetly grabbed my smartwater and an ativan from my bag. i didn't want to take a full dose since i needed to drive home and be productive tonight, but its a tiny pill to begin with and is already scored so i broke it in half and popped it in my mouth, along with a tic tac. one of the junior high-ites is practically straining her neck to the side so she can see what i'm doing, and then we have this dumb 5 minute break when there's only 15 minutes of class left anyway, and as i am checking texts/voicemails/whatev, i totally hear them behind me whispering about how i just took something and broke it in half, and how it wasn't advil, it was "like a pill" and how they were totally reading eachother's minds earlier in the class when bitch #1 had to tell bitch #2 to be nice. naturally more giggling ensues. i knew how curious they were about that secret drug i was popping and i wanted to turn around and say "since you can't mind your own business, i'm happy to let you know that i'm taking an anti-bitch pill in hopes of not losing my cool and turning into someone like you!" i mean really, are we still in junior high? i really wanted to snap at her and ask if she could help me figure out why she thought she was so great and powerful, because i just can't see it. i mean, while i appreciate her attempt at junior high aeropostale fashion, she's not pretty, DOES NOT have a cute body(i know i shouldn't judge people on that, but its all fair game when they are so openly critiquing me), her highlights are poorly placed in bad shades for her pastey skin tone, and by her behavior alone, she OBVIOUSLY isn't a nice person, so really, what is she so sure of herself about?! i am so confused! i even glanced at her handwriting, which says a lot about a person, and it wasn't cute either. i know some people say that girls act like that if they are jealous of something, but its not like i'm walking in and flaunting a guy that she's secretly crushing on and resenting me for. no, insecure girls keep it to themselves and beat themselves up about not being as pretty, thin, smart, etc... as the girl they are jealous of. MEAN GIRLS pick insecure people out for no reason at all and make them feel so uncomfortable that they want to run and cry. an aside: in my own little snotty way, i pretended not to notice that one of them dropped their pencil in the middle of class and it rolled right under my chair. ready for this- she was too snotty to ask me to pick it up, but made a big deal in the middle of lecture about finding someone that could loan her an extra! bet your bottom dollar i didn't help her out. now, i'm not going to give them the satisfaction of making me leave, but i am wholeheartedly blaming on them the fact that i now dread going to that class 3 nights a week. thanks bitches. and finally, don't be surprised that as mad as i was at these girls, at the end of the class i still grabbed her pencil, turned around, handed it to her, and with a smile said "see you tomorrow." welcome back to junior high.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh alana dear, I'm sorry that there are people out there in the world that act like that. It's crazy how some people can somehow justify themselves by putting down other people. And on top of that, they don't even know you. It's just plain sick, and you shouldn't have to deal with that crap. I'm proud of you for sticking it out through the whole period, and I'm even more impressed with the giving-of-the-pencil. That there folks deserves an applause. Eventually, when they are older and realize that nobody really likes them for who they are...they will have to stand back and look at all the ways they should have been different. Whereas, you can look back and honestly say that you were an amazing person to everyone and no matter what they looked like, what they wore, or who they dated..you were friends with them because you are genuine. So all in all...this whole speech is to commend(spelling??) you on staying true to yourself and realizing that you are better than that. Love you, and remember the oh-so-familiar line "When people talk and act badly towards others; it is because they are actually insecure with themselves." :)

KC said...

wow, I can't believe how horrible and immature they are. sorry, that really sucks. :( I'm guessing you're sensitive like me, in which case it's even worse.

Whitney said...

Dude, I am so sorry. We worked so hard to get out of junior high and high school and you definately shouldn't have to be stuck in the same situation now. I absolutely hate how immature some college girls are....Hang in there and know that you are a great person with lots of friends that love you. They have no right to judge you or talk behind your back not even knowing you. You rock my world!

Love Always,

Whit

brie said...

You know, if those girls were stripped of everything, and we were able to see who they really were, they would be reduced to nothing but these empty shells of a human being - hollow and fake and lacking depth. You can tell these girls have learned nothing of what life is really like. If they're in college, and they still resort to laughing at someone else or putting them down, then you know that they're just ignorant, naive little bitches who think the most important things in life are diets and looking hot for the cool guys in the best fraternity...it's shallow and ridiculous. One day, when those girls have gone through a fraction of what you've gone through, they'll realize how much more there is to life, and I hope they'll look back on their shallow, frivolous selves, and be ashamed. Because they should be.

Shannon said...

Love to Alana! Seriously, so not worth your anxiety and worry. I can't really blame them for being jealous of you since your are beautiful and exotic and interesting, you wear really cute clothes and also have the cutest handwriting i've seen in a long time and if they remotely took the chance to observe/get to know you they would see that that stuff is just the start of a really amazing person who has depth and compassion for others and empathy and is really really fun to be with! Brush it off as much as you can and remember who you really are and who all your friends know you really are: totally awesome!

Loni said...

Dude, too bad you're beautiful. ;) In all seriousness though, sounds like you handled yourself very well. Way to work it out. (Um, did I just sound like Randy? Too much AI already...)