one hundred thirty seven

the only people for me are the mad ones;
the ones who are mad to live
mad to talk
mad to be saved...
desirous of everything.
[gimme gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more]

one hundred thirty six

on the continued topic of dance,
meet a child prodigy.
okay, maybe not quite a prodigy,
but still pretty freaking amazing!
i think this girl was like 8 or 9 at the time
and regardless of a few mishaps,
did a phenomenal job.
people would kill for her extention and control.
it's insane.
i am personally a huge fan of the á la seconde fouette combos.
they rock my world! :)

on another note,
i was sick of studying and took the entire day off yesterday. i didn't open a single book and it was fantastic! i went for a run, hung out with alex and jax for an hour, went to a bridal show with annatjie, went to a celebration for chinese new year (that's an entire post post of its own! it was hilarious!), and then played games, watched movies, and had a sleepover with jason, alisa, and rob. i don't remember the last time i laughed so hard or so much in one night! of course now i need to play catch up on all the homework today, but i totally enjoyed it while it lasted! :)

have a good sunday!

one hundred thirty five

please, please, PLEASE
for the sake of dance education
and experiencing two of the greatest dancers in the world-
watch frames 3:15-3:35
it will be the best 20 seconds of your day,
and i will feel like i have done a part
to educate the public in having better appreciation for true creative talent.
the rest of the video is wack and pretty old school as far as today's music scene,
but the talent is timeless!
how amazing must one be to dance perfectly and intentionally out of synch for a split second and make the transition so smooth that by the time you realize what happened they are already back to the mainstream rhythm?! (its right at like 3:29)
watch it and then let me know what you think!
simply amazing.
ps...it'll probably be beneficial to turn off the auto-starting music before watching the music vid...:)

one hundred thirty four

i'm feeling a bit inadequate.

i know all we can do is try our best,
but doing so does not neccessarily equate to being satisfied with the results.
school is kicking my butt,
when i'm at work i feel bad that i'm not studying,
when i'm studying i feel bad that i'm sick of studying,
my dog is feeling neglected,
i'm irritated that every time i get into a studying groove i am inevitably interrupted,
i feel bad that i am bored with my therapist,
and i don't even have time for my friends.
i used to push friends away so they'd leave me alone with my e.d.
now i want to hang out but feel like there are a million more productive ways to be spending that time.
its a matter of priorities.
and struggling to choose the right ones.

the worst is that every time i force myself to go out, all i can think of the whole time is going home and getting back to studying. it makes me feel like a bad friend. dude, it is being a bad friend! i totally have been a negligent friend/family member/employee/member of society for at least the past month. there's no use trying to find an excuse for it because its true. and i feel horrible about it!

welcome to slacker 101.

case in point:
1. i showed up late to whit's surprise birthday dinner. you can't show up late for a surprise party- it kinda ruins the whole "surprise!" moment.
2. despite numerous messages of both casualty and concern, i haven't called people back for like a 2 weeks.
3. i wholeheartedly intended to call loni back within the hour, but its been at least 72 and i still haven't called.
4. i am totally bailing on the vegas road trip that i so enthusiastically encouraged.
5. every time t calls i say "hey girl! can i call you back?" do i usually remember to? no. sorry.
6. steve calls and i make up a lame excuse because truthfully, i'd rather continue the affair with my textbooks than make out (i mean go out) with him. the way i see it, boys come and go, but grades stay forever and essentially determine the course of the next two years of my life. its one of those "give up what you want now for what you want most" kind of things.
7. i read every chapter, aced every lab, and attended every lecture yet still failed my chem exam. ouch.
8. i didn't pay my car payment last month and probably won't this month either. not good.
9. i don't know how to say "i love your family, but i think i need a new job."
10. i also don't feel qualified to apply for anything other than burger king and due to straight up pride refuse to work there. and i really don't want to get rejected by anywhere else. shocker.
11. i should be grading psychology exams but am blogging instead.
12. i was confused when proctoring the exam and told a girl the wrong information for an essay answer she was trying to write. i just realized it now. when it's too late to let her fix it. yikes.
13. i forgot to buy my dog food- actually i didn't have the 40 buckeroos for her food and she had to go on a little crash diet till i finally asked my dad to spot me the cash. im kind of a bad mom.
14. i'm also kind of a bad daughter: i told my mom she couldn't borrow my car (her's is in the shop- a whole 'nother story) all because i didn't want her to use my car, my gas, my stuff. possessive much? what is that about?!
15. need i go on?

so, i guess aside from venting the (at times immense) feeling of inadequacy in aspects of life, i would like to apologize for being such a slacker friend to you all. i'm sorry if you've felt that i am ignoring you, avoiding you, or isolating from you. the isolating bit is only true part of the time. haha the majority though, is spent in frantic attempts to keep my sanity. sometimes juggling relationships feels like it will put me over the top so i ignore it and hope it will momentarily go away... no such luck so far, but i'll keep you posted. anyway, when i'm not a stressed out nut case, life is good. it really is. i've been blessed with a lot in my life and i need to stay aware of that. and when the studying's out of the way i am a lot more fun, i promise! so maybe in april/may of 2011, wanna hang out? let me know so i can schedule it in. (that's a joke. well, not entirely...)

one hundred thirty three

my friend rachsticle posted this about herself on her blog yesterday and simply entitled it "valentine." it is so gut quiveringly hilarious that i feel the compulsive need to copy it onto mine for any one and everyone to read. this one sentence was the best part of my entire day:

"Who would not want a girl who wears nose strips and a retainer at night, has a sleep apnea mask, and participates in a twice daily nasal flush?"

the best part- i know rachel and it is 100% true. way to be okay with who you are rach! you are one of the few people that can make me laugh so hard i cry- even without seeing you face to face!

ps briezy... nose bidets (click here for video demonstration) are on sale at wild oats for like $13 but i forgot to tell you when i saw them there last week. let me know if you get one because i want to watch this process go down in real life!

one hundred thirty two

there is a fabulous distraction to anxious self consciousness.
find a way to serve someone else.
today it was attempted-
but ended in passing out, feeling embarassed,
and being a good pint and a half lighter
than before i sat down in that sterile plastic covered chair.
here's the facts:
only 3% of the eligible US population donates blood,
and yet every 2 seconds someone in america needs blood.
of that 3%, less than 30% of initial blood donors will ever give blood again.
you can donate up to 6 times a year and
potentially, one blood donation could save up to 3 lives.
so it was pure donation, with no monetary compensation
(and maybe a part of me just wanted to defy the "less than 30%" statistic),
but i'm basically still a freaking hero.
so then i wonder,
why did i still walk out feeling just as worthless and crummy as before in walked in?
don't tell me it's because today's valentine's day-
i'm really okay with it because pink is the color of the day!
its just been a week from hell.
so i'm still a bit nauseated, sluggish, and inevitably bruised.
but on the up side,
my jeans are feeling looser (yes i know its all in my head but i'm okay with that),
i actually had high enough iron levels to be a donor today,
(alice is convinced my iron levels only read high enough on some days because i'm dehydrated. not true alice covey cruzmark, not true.),
and finally,
it was the easiest 2 pounds i've ever lost
and there's nothing ED'ed about it.
bom chicka wah wah.

one hundred thirty one

katiek...
connect four????

one hundred thirty

cue amy winehouse-
i haven't talked to or seen my brother chris is well over a month. he calls last night, out of the blue and says "i bought you a tshirt that was in the window at forever 21." huh??!! i asked him what it looked like and he said it "has long hems at the arm and bottom(what the heck does that mean?!), and is gray with pink letters", saying REHAB IS THE NEW BLACK. how should i take the fact that my older brother only associates me with going to rehab?! i thought it was kinda funny, although now that i see the shirt it is hideous! it's a jersey knit tunic topic with puffed half length sleeves and a raw edge on the collar. it doesn't help that it's ash gray with neon pink straight-from-the-eighties stencil lettering. obviously the person who designed it hadn't gone through detox at fashion rehab yet... therefore i am posting a picture of a decent looking one from OU. but at least he thought of me right?! i guess i'll take what i can get! haha

one hundred twenty nine

meet the all new 2008 lexus LX 470. pretty huh? its the beautiful, starts at $74,000, SUV that i slid into as i attempted to back out of my driveway in the snow this morning. bummer. so i came to a stop resting against it, unable to pull back up the driveway due to the incline, and also unable to open my door enough to climb out and assess the damage. so of course i have no choice but to call my dad and say that i'm stuck now that i've backed into his company car, and let me tell you, he has never gotten out of bed so fast in his life! things ended up being okay since i was sliding so slowly, but it was still a super stressful way to start the day! i about had a panic attack!

on a funny note, KBLL93 is having a contest called "Bait Your Mate," giving away an all expenses paid wedding at Cabela's fish and game warehouse on Valentine's Day. How romantic. nothing like saying "I Do" while surrounded by fishing tackle and mounted deer heads, huh? well in order to win this wonderful experience of a lifetime, couples need to call in and share the story of their relationship that lead to their engagement. I personally vote for the couple on air today whose courtship began with meeting online, meeting for dinner at rumbi's, driving around town, and ending the night by strolling around the local walmart. their relationship blossomed and she was delighted when one night (after a trip to the walmart once again) he was getting into her car, bent down outside of her driverside door and proposed. yep, these folks are the real deal! a convenient place to propose really, because had she said no, he could have walked right back inside with the reciept in hand to do the return!! thankfully she said yes. the clencher to this poetic tale- that she is marrying the first boyfriend she ever had. their meeting was in fact her first date! how old was this lass on that fateful night, you may inquire? 39 years old. as cade would say, WOW.

one hundred twenty eight

just a few things...

-today i got carded. yup. not for attempting to illegally purchase alcohol, but when i tried to vote! everyone in front of me went right through checking in and when its my turn i tell them my name just like every time before. the lady looks at me and makes me verify my address, okay no big deal even though no one else had to, and then she pauses and says she'd like to see my ID. of course i pull it out and she stares at it for a good 20 seconds(thoroughly inspecting to see if its a fake) and finally says in a shocked tone, "you're almost 21? you don't look old enough to vote!" thanks. so i sweetly smile at the woman and say "yes ma'am, i'm going to love this whole looking young thing when i get to be your age!" BAHA! i don't know why i was such a snot, but i just was and at this point its too late to take it back so i'm just going to laugh about it! hahahahhahahahahahahahaha!

-i was talking to my friend gabe about this test we're taking for philosophy and he totally forgot that we have to take it online today. after my reminder and recap of needed info he promptly exclaimed- "you are my personal jesus!" oh wow. people have said some pretty random things to me in the past, but i've never gotten that one before! yikes.

-i would just like to say that i'm stoked that it's a leap year and am very excited for all of those would-be seven year olds to finally have their first birthday! hooray! haha

-oh here's an announcement worth reading: i'm now a vegetarian and semi vegan. i was reading this book about how horribly enforced the USDA's sanitation and disease control standards are and i have been thoroughly grossed out enough for all of you. i knew when i started to read it that it would probably be the end of my meat eating days, but i figured that if these conditions and things are really happening (and they are), i at least owe it to the animals enduring it to be educated in my decision whether or not to support the slaughter business by eating their products or not. i say semi vegan because i refuse to give up ice cream or cheesecake! i just can't do it. other than that, i'm done. no meat, dairy, eggs, fish. its really not a big deal cuz i'm not a big red meat fan, haven't eaten chicken for a while, and have never eaten seafood, milk, or eggs anyway. i will totally need to make an effort to get other sources of protein, but am actually pretty excited about it because i love edamame, soy milk, and stuff, and soy is awesome for heart health! i want to cut back on my processed white flour and refined sugar intake for the sake of nutrition (once its refined and bleached they have striped all of the nutrients out!), but it's in everything! oh well, you win some you lose some, right? i also need to eat way more fruits and veggies because i don't think living on toaster strudel and chocolate malts is giving me all of the vitamins and minerals i could be benefiting from... just a hunch! so yeah, i'm feeling pretty good about it.

-i was thinking about it and have also decided that if i really want to take care of my body with such dietary changes, i need to give up some other stuff too. so here is my public commitment to no more soda (it makes it really for the body to absorb calcium and realistically, i don't get as much calcium as i should, so i should probably hold onto all of it that i can), and i'm done with coffee. i can't believe i just said that. but i'm serious! all of the tanic acid is NOT good on your body's PH levels and cancer thrives in overly acidic environments. yuck. but don't confuse this kind of acidity with citric acid(like in oranges) because thats totally different and good for you! coffee is also a serious diuretic and i'd really like to keep the water in my body for a number of highly useful reasons thank you. so there you go: no soda, no coffee. and LOTS of water! :) hooray for hydration!

-the only thing i'm not stoked about is the battle that will likely ensue with alice in a few weeks... i think i'm going to bring her the book and have her read it for herself. all of the stories and figures are sited and documented and as they name specific organizations involved, i'm sure they would have been sued if it was slanderous or anything. anyway, wish me luck. go veg!

one hundred twenty seven

i can't believe i'm one of those girls that is writing a post about a boy. it feels so cheesy! but since this is my blog i guess it gives me implicit permission to write about whatever is on my mind, and this boy is definitely on my mind. i wish he wasn't, but he is and i'm just not sure what to do. good guy? great guy. good looking? you bet! RM? check that one off the list. but when all's said and done, what's so special? he is still just a BOY. so why am i suddenly finding that i kinda, sorta, maybe am digging him a bit more than i had originally planned? what is that about?! i am not a "i need a guy" kind of a girl. i am far too stubborn about my own independence and security (and let's be honest, vulnerability). but i'm telling you this boy is like a drug to me. when i am with him i want nothing than to be with him all the time, but when i put school and work first and don't make time for him at all i do just fine. how can one singular person have such an allure that all my preconceived values and priorities seem to disappear in his presence? i joke about this boy being trouble, (because what boy isn't) but wow, this boy is TROUBLE (capital t, that rhymes with p, and that stands for pool!). i'm in this pattern where i'm with him non stop for like a week and then i need to detox or something for a good few weeks and just abstain from him completely. see how its like a pattern of relapse and recovery?! maybe boy free is the way to be... but maybe not... can someone please figure my head out for me because i think my feeble attempts are just getting me further and further dazed and confused...

ps... i pretty much have the greatest friends ever and really appreciate your love and support in every aspect of my life- especially when i'm having a ridiculously insecure night like the one of my last post. you all are amazing and i am so grateful to have you in my life- every one of you!

thankyou.thankyou.thankyou
from the bottom of my heart!