one hundred sixty eight

so in the midst of my cramming, my little brother bursts into my room and tells me that i need to watch the music video spoof he did with his friends this weekend. its freaking hilarious that they took the time to choreograph, film, and edit it all! my bro is obviously the one who looks like he has freshly immigrated from cambodia... and i'm trying to figure out why they thought it'd be cool to walk in circles on giant rubber tires, but whatevs! check it-

ps...shawnee, yeah that's zac! what a small world! haha enjoy!

one hundred sixty seven

last night was darling sunny's wedding and she was beautiful!!! i loved being able to see some of the fabulous brightoneers and spending some time with meeks- geez i miss that girl! shout out to loni for graduating this month! YEAH! haha so i was chatting with CB for a moment and she commented how she enjoys reading my blog... i don't know why, but i'm always a little taken back to hear people say that because in my head i assume that no one really reads this, and i therefore post all kinds of crazy ponderings and frustrations and epiphanies. it's like a random journal that others are welcome to quench curiosity with. am i kind of scatterbrained sometimes? yes! but we do the best we can, and that's all you can ask for! :) i'm sure many of them make no sense to people, but i figure, if it's what i'm thinking, i'll post it! after all, it is my blog, right?! so to those of you i confuse, i'm sorry! but for those of you who keep on reading, thanks! i hope it gives you at least a chuckle every now and then! i'm off to jenna's soccer game, and then studying for my chem final, but i hope you all have a fabulous weekend! enjoy the sunshine! :)

one hundred sixty six

where oh where did my beautiful spring sunshine go?? remember how it's almost may at this point? i know there's the whole "april showers bring may flowers" schpeal, but snow?! what's the deal??!

one hundred sixty five

i know i go all crazy when i get stressed out with school,
but today was beautiful and i feel the need to recognize that!
otherwise i feel like all i post is downer blog posts and that's so not me!
i'm doing precisely what i want to be doing in my life right now
and i need to be more aware of that fact and find time to enjoy it!! :)
so other than complaining about school, and efforts against relapsing into one thing or another,
i want to say:

-we are STILL obsessed with photo booth and we loves it!
-i'm moving saturday-ish and am thrilled to be on my own again. this time away from the confines of utah county.
-sun exposure has a positive correlation with my mood. i'm serious! let me lay out for a few hours and i am a one happy camper!
-the smell of clean laundry makes me inspired to clean everything in sight.
-i need to do some shopping at ikea and want to know if anyone wants to join me for an afternoon?
-steve inspires me to play my guitar again, but with finals, that's about where the inspiration ends!
-i'm still deciding on my plans for summer... and i'm totally torn...
-this morning i hit up kneaders before class for some amazing french toast and my chem book wasn't nearly as good of company as friends are, but it did just fine
-my little sis made me feel so good when she said that she missed hanging out with me. i know it's cuz of studying but i didn't think she actually noticed so it was cool to hear that she did.
-rockstar is definitely my girl becuase as i type this, she is out on my deck sunbathing! seriously- on her back, sprawled out, eyes closed, serious sunbathing!
-i'm going to grab some study guides and join her!
-hooray for warm weather!!! :)

one hundred sixty four

for the record, i'd trade my handbag and shoe collections for a pair of pointe shoes any day.
[just don't tell my stilletos]

one hundred sixty three

[A]

a is for amazing, for the life i strive to live.

[B]

b is for boys and the games they live to play.

[C]

c is for seeing through you.

you

are

a

fake.

one hundred sixty two

a ditty on choices...

you pretend to be so stuck and helpless,

yet are making decisions EVERY single day.

maybe you don't want to be making them, but the fact is that you are making them.

don't complain about the consequences because it was your direct choices that caused them.

don't make excuses for a life that you are choosing to do nothing with.

only you can choose to change that.

it's called amibition.

try it sometime.

don't say you don't know how to fix this.

we all know you've been given the tools but are just choosing not to implement them.

don't call and brag about how sick you are under the guise of undesired medical attention.

what's with the games?

don't fish for attention and pity.

it gets old.

don't choose a lifestyle according to the approval of others.

its completely fake.

don't blame your lack of company on the fact that others have moved past wanting to sulk at home every weekend.

if you have no desire to change, there's nothing we can do so we might as well spend our time on something more productive.

let us know if one day you change your mind-

for real this time.

don't assume things that you won't take the time to question and allow that assumption to be the basis of your pushing people away.

if you are going to use us as an excuse for your own lack of motivation,

don't be surprised when it gets back to us.

way to be judgemental.

thanks.

i'll be honest, it hurts.

but ps, you're wrong.

don't once again twist the truth into a personal pity party.

it's not an excuse to act out self destruction and blame it on others.

life is hard.
its supposed to be.

don't whine about how its so much harder for you than anyone else,

because i don't buy it.

not even for a second.

there's a time and place to run and hide.

you have far passed that point.

its time to be truly accountable for once.

and its time to grow up.

one hundred sixty one

i have been all over lately but tonight was good. it was grounded, it was real, it was relaxing. it was some good clean fun and i've missed that. i met up with my brightoneers and realized that i had forgotten what it's like to be with them. it kind of blows me away to think that they live everyday of their lives the same way as though we were up at BGC. i acted accordingly when i was there, but was a totally different person half the time when it came to the brighton "i live my life like i'm on a mission" persona. i've changed and thats okay, but i really do miss them. i had a blast. then i went over to steve's and his friend nic was there and nate came over and we played steve's new guitar and listened to music and it was nice to just chill. i'm not saying that i could ever be content with a life void of rebellion and a bit of illegality, but i am saying it's a nice break in pace. i did nothing that i would feel bad awkward talking about in church and its kinda refreshing. so to sum it all up, good night! :)

one hundred sixty

it all started with "please be nice to me- i'm on the verge of a breakdown but am not wearing waterproof mascara..."
here's the recap:

-i need to learn to say no
-i need to give myself a break
-work on a transition from expecting perfection to expecting excellence- there's a big difference.
-if it can lead to rehab it can't count as a coping skill (bummer.)
-what you see is what you get (doesn't that sound a little backwards?) so don't dwell on it
-if i dress like a slob in a hoodie, with hair thrown up in a messy bun, people can relate to me better
-people wouldn't need to be dripping in diamonds if they were happy enough inside
-be who you are on the inside
-people can only be what you'll let them be to you
-you can only imagine what people see in you if you can see it in yourself
-she thinks i should take my meds again but i'm pretty sure the drugs i'd take wouldn't be the ones she's thinking of
-its okay to freak out but don't let it interfere with everyday life
-when did i become so disconnected?
-i'll never believe it till i want to believe it (i want to, but feel incapable. how do you fix that?)
-don't believe the rumors, but it's okay to listen to them because they're hella funny sometimes!
-there's always two sides to a story, but sometimes someone needs to believe nothing more than their side in order to feel okay about things
-stress magnifies core issues
-what's the rush?
-go have some fun
-you should study abroad
-you should get a real job
-i'm glad you're moving out
-the difference from a bishop is they can feel ethical in telling you to do customarily innapropriate things if it helps you in the long run
-this life isn't for perfection
-its for learning a little every day so you can slowly improve in the most miniscule ways that add up to be huge
-gum wrappers should not be chewed alongside the piece of gum
-i have no mortal flaws other than the fact that i think i do
-if you want to ask me something, just ask me
-if you need to tell me something, say it and know that its okay to say it
-you don't need to present opinions in the form of a question
-i'm not trying to change you, but you need to change
-this is not contingent on spirituality
-life's a lot happier when you aren't so uptight
-mental issues are just as real as physical issues and you can't just will power a heart defect away
-its good for non-criers to let themselves cry sometimes
-the last thing said on this blessed day: you should eat something.

what a retarded and pointless thing to say to someone. is there nothing to be said of social scripts and formality? would it have killed her to say a simple "have a good day." ??? so i'm thinking about the years spent in building a little tool box full of coping skills, and finding that i can't think of a single one that actually works. and it frustrates me. so at this point my response is a mere

thanks, but no thanks.

one hundred fifty nine

dear fellow driver,
i understand that parking in mini lots at the u are often as competitive as winning an olympic gold medal, but let's play fair here. if you are coming the wrong way down a one way lane, you don't get precedence over the coveted spot. i do. i don't care if you're going to roll your eyes and make an exaggeratedly exasperated face when i don't move out of your way. sorry honey. learn to play by the rules and you'll probably win the game a little more often. that said, have a good day!
sincerely,
me

one hundred fifty eight

today was a lot of things.

today has been what i've waited for all winter-
it was finally warm enough to go out to play so we got out a bucket, rags, and hose and washed jason's car. alex loves to splash me with any form of available water- water bottle, mug, straight up hose! we played on scooters and trampolines. we played at drew's and got slurpees! yay!

today was a little bit scary.
jax thought it would be fun to play in my car. the next thing you know, he's locked himself in. i'm the retard who left the keys in the car. so it's getting mighty hot in a car with the whole windows up/greenhouse effect going on, and rob and i are trying to tell him how to unlock the door so that we can get to him. he doesn't understand that he's stuck and really doesn't care to focus his attention on our instructions. so he has the keys in the ignition and like most 2 year olds, is playing with every button on the dashboard, one of which is the volume. of course that sucker is blaring from an awesome sound system as he pushes the power button and he freaks out. he just freezes and screams. poor guy! rob realizes that he happened to push the trunk release and so i pop open the little door that feeds through to the middle seat. one, it felt blazing hot in there, and two, only my head fits, so i'm screaming jaxon's name at the top of my lungs, but the music's so loud that he can't hear me. finally there's a break in the music and he hears me through his hysterics and we get him to climb out, but i was starting to get really worried! thank god for the trunk being open and that cut through door! the next problem to be solved was how to get my car unlocked as dirks bentley is blaring through the neighbor hood. at least i listen to good music, right?! (fyi, we popped the lock with an umbrella fed through that same little miracle hole in the trunk.) memo to me, no keys in car when children are playing. sorry to do that to your son alisa.

today was beautiful.
the sun was out, it was warm for once, and the sky was bright blue. it was the perfect weather to get some sun, so i traded my diesel jeans and platforms for a cami top and flip flops. it was delightful.

today was stressful.
i had an exam in my chemistry class and am pretty sure i failed it... i'd been dreading it all day and considered just not showing up, but i did the best i could and that's all i could do, so i'm actually less upset than i thought i would be. i've decided that if i need to retake the class, then i won't have to go to school this summer and can take a break! i know that everyone says to not feel pressured to rush in school, but i'm already behind after taking 2 years off for treatment and i just want to be done! what was i thinking with this double major idea?! but at this point it seems like a waste to drop one of them. and really, i sincerely enjoy them both, so... it's just the chemistry nursing pre-reqs that are making my life so miserable! if i somehow pass with at least a B (melissa will be so happy to hear that i'm lowering my standards), i go to school this summer and stick to the plan of applying for the nursing program this fall... i guess we'll just have to see what happens, but who knows, being forced to wait to apply till next fall and taking the summer off could be a blessing in disguise.

today was entertaining.
OTH was on and it was actually a really inspiring episode. not as full of drama and heartache as some others, but still way funny and super good. how sad that it's my favorite hour of the week!

today was full of planning.
OTH tonight, GNO tomorrow, U vs. BYU lacrosse thursday (go utes!), road trip the first week of may. i'm excited for ALL of it! most of all, i'm excited for a change in schedule and obligations- even if it's just for a few weeks until a new semester starts up.

today was everything.
and i loved it.

one hundred fifty seven

i'm done with the games

so i'll be straight up:

sometimes i simply crave addiction.

is it simple human tendency

or a twisted personal draw

toward self destruction?

i have everything going for me

so i resist by keeping dull-

sharp's a little too familiar.

entertaining a notion,

i question,

i caved,

i start.

i stopped.

a switch flip.

being in a haze and

suddenly getting a jolt.

buzz. zing.

the ultimate oxymoron

because its an insane rush of calmness.

absolutely sober but

100% addicting.

why is it so enticing to me?

oscar wilde said it best,

"i can resist everything but temptation."

you never know when i'll change my mind.

one hundred fifty six

sometimes i forget...

do you??

one hundred fifty five

i hope that you, too, are having a fabulous weekend.
here's today's recipe for happiness:
1 san pellegrino
a dash of breve
4 shots of vanilla
1 scoop of ice
mix gently.
best when served with a generous dose of sunshine.
(if sunshine is in short supply, the hot boy at starbucks will suffice!)

when served properly, it seems to harness the ability to
flavor my senses,
sweeten my disposition,
stir my imagination,
and nourish my dreams.

not bad for a $3.25 drink, huh?!

one hundred fifty four

it's.blog.worthy

so i went to sign up for my retarded, yet practically mandatory CNA course this past week and had one of the funniest convos of my life. i sit down to talk with betty (i don't remember her real name, but " betty" sounds like a winner) and after 5 minutes of talking to her about which class schedule i'd like to register for she asks me, "Now have you taken an english class in the past few years?" i was a little confused... i know i'm half chinese, but i don't think i look or act like an immigrant. really, do i strike you as fresh off the boat?! i said that i'd taken a writing course at the U a few semesters ago in hopes that that was the answer she was looking for, to which she sternly tells me that if i can show her a transcript proving that i passed with at least a "C" she won't make me take the english proficiency exam. now for real, are you kidding me?! not to come off as overly confident, but i consider myself to be fairly well spoken. so i'm a bit lost as to why she was questioning my ability to speak english, but whatevvvs....

i.find.it.hilarious

one hundred fifty three

i...
-just finished my last chemistry lab of the semester! yeah! if i can get through next semester's bio organic chem i will be set for the rest of my life in that realm!
-have 2 exams and 3 finals till the end of this nightmare of a semester and i'm stoked to get it over with.
-am summoned to appear in court on april 30th for not showing up for jury duty. here's the thing, i called the number and left a message because i was so contagious and miserable so why the heck are they wanting to hold me in contempt?!
-am now the research assistant for an awesome study for the U's psych department and never thought i would actually use the statistics crap i was forced to learn, but here i am using it and it's actually not that bad...
-am still sleeping on jenna's top bunk bed but am considering attempting to sleep in my own room tonight... no guarantees.
-bought my first official pair of scrubs today and you can bet your bottom dollar that they're pink!
-am seriously procrastinating my ethics homework.
-went to dinner with a friend that i haven't seen in a very long time and it blows my mind how great it feels to catch up with someone who truly knows you.
-am once again about to consciously increase my water uptake which means i'll be peeing like a pregnant person once again.
-sincerely hope trace face comes up here to get her car so we can road trip it back to cali!
-filed my taxes for the first time ever and am getting like $700 buckeroos in return! sweet!
-might move into a house with jen and i think it'd be perfecto so i really hope it works out.
-am stoked to meet olivia figueroa tomorrow!
-miss those fox boys and am looking forward to getting to play tomorrow!
-miss my bffs immensely and think a good girls night out would be splendid. who's in?
-am choosing to be optimistic in every aspect of my life and
-am loving it.... most of the time.
-am also being realistic here! haha

one hundred fifty two

i heart rascal!

i finally downloaded my camera.

i just about cried when the sang Stand,

it will always feel like my song.

hence, i took a pic of the stage and it is now my background! haha

here's the highlights...

jen was the only one that cowboy'ed up for the occasion, but she rocked it.

anna and i took far more silly pictures than anyone could dream of taking...

and we screamed lots and lots.

i loved every second of it! :)

ps...amy, here's 3 pics just for you! and pps... shout out to the hammonds for getting me indefinitely hooked on such a fabulous group! muchas gracias!

one hundred fifty one

to borrow a phrase from brie, this is a case of no tale tells all...
i don't even know where to begin. i'd never been so terrified in my life. i'd never felt so helpless. and i freaked out. no amount of RAD in the world could have prepared me because in that moment all i could think to do is hide. call me retarded, but it was traumatic for me! i feel grateful to be alive because things could have gotten really bad really fast. i feel bad i didn't do more. i just froze. most of all, i'm dreading the fact that tonight night will inevitably come again. and i hate that. i can't get it out of my head. i want to know why...

one hundred fifty

happy birthday to my rockstar!!

of all days, today my camera's batteries die and i'm out of spares! but that is no excuse to not commemorate the event, so here are some camera phone pics instead! not the greatest, but definitely better than nothing!

my baby girl turned a whopping 2 years old today and i can't believe how the time has flown! shlee was so cute and decorated my room in celebration! i was bummed this morning because i'm in classes from 9-9 on thursdays and therefore didn't have time to plan anything or spend much time with her on her birthday, but shlee was so sweet to pick up the slack for me. i came home from class tonight and there were streamers, balloons, cards, toys, and treats all over! roxy loved it, i just know it! i'm getting her a cake from this dog bakery here in salt lake and so i'll post more pics when we actually celebrate this weekend, but for tonight she's enjoyed organic filet mignon dog treats and we've toasted her with a bottle of martinelli's. hooray for birthdays and my darling dog! :)

one hundred forty nine

my thought of the moment...

at times this situation gets out of control,
while some reach for their bible,
i reach for my soul.
who's to say my way's wrong,
or to say your's isn't true?
in the end it boils down
to doing what works for you.

iRESPECTthat.

one hundred forty eight

so there's this boy...
what a lame way to start a post (haha, jk t-vo!)! no but really, there's this girl and she is awesome and no longer contagious and finally beginning to feel a little bit better! hooray! :) thanks for all of your sweet comments and offers to bring me things that i still don't have the ability to consume. it's the thought that counts and i appreciate it immensely!

next on the agenda,
getting caught up on school work. i know being sick as a dog should be a valid excuse, but i still feel like i've been such a slacker!

in other news...
-roxy was out in my backyard yesterday and once again ran through a hole in the fence into the neighbor's backyard. she usually comes right back when i call her but this time she didn't. where was my little girl? stuck in a hole of mud under the neighbor's fence! i'm calling for her and can't find her and hear this faint whimper, and all of a sudden i see her head popping out of a hole! what a silly girl. so of course i run off to rescue her, having to go up and around the street to get to the part of my neighbor's yard that has a gate i can go through, and just as i get there i see her claw herself out of the hole and go running back to the deck outside of my room. she was SO muddy! geez! so she had a shower and now i'm thinking i should patch the hole in that fence!
-i just took the final dose of an entire bottle of adult's extra strength liquid cherry tylenol and have a whole new level of compassion for children whose parents pour cough syrup down their throats. sherla never made us take that stuff and so i would tease people who made a big deal of "things tasting like cough syrup" but now, wow. bless their hearts! if i was a kid, i would spit it all over the place too!
-a fine frenzy played at avalon tonight and i totally missed it! bummer!
-tim mcgraw is playing at usana in june and there's no way i'm missing that! i love him! :)
-i get to see trina on friday and am so excited!
-it feels like everyone i know is either getting married or suddenly pregnant and as excited as i am for them all, i'm not gonna lie, it feels very weird.
-i've been digging mozella lately and if you have her cd you should burn it for me! and if you don't know who she is, check her out because her sound is unique, her music is catchy, and overall, i really like her! :)

have a great night!
-bomchickawahwah-