two hundred eighty nine

At times I get caught up in existential anxiety and forget who I am. Sometimes it's just for a minute, but that minute is scary. And I need to remind myself that I know exactly who I am.

My name is Alana. I am 23. I have a good heart. I have hope for true change in the world. I have an obsession with dark wash denim. Sunshine on my skin is rejuvenating to my soul. Snugging is my all time favorite past time. I sleep on a thousand pillows and feel safe when I'm haphazardly buried between them. I know my family will love me no matter what. I know I am a daughter of God. I adore dressing according to the season (and accessorizing too). Watching torrential thunderstorms makes me feel calm inside. If I could do one thing for the rest of my life it would be wakeboarding. I try to do one scary thing every single day. I'm an adrenaline junkie with crippling anxiety. I'm learning to accept my limits one day at a time. I am grateful to have discovered that every day is a fresh start into the unknown and that its entirely up to me to decide what I'll do with that precious time.

At times this may be all I know. But in those moments I can also know that this is enough...

two hundred eighty eight

Love is louder than hate.
Love is louder than pain.
Love is louder than fear.

I love to love the things love is capable of doing.

one hundred eighty seven

I know I get frustrated, discouraged and experience a multitude of other emotions when it comes to recovery. Sometimes I feel left out that I can't dabble in societal Ed the way most people in the world can. I get jealous of how others can go to the gym every day without getting so caught up in it that they suddenly find that their entire week has been spent on a treadmill. I feel excluded from the girl talk of diet sensations and I get pissed off that my roomie can just leave a scale in the middle of the bathroom floor without getting to a place where the number it flashes becomes your next fix.

But at the end of the day I keep doing what I'm doing because I know its right for me. I know that most people live in a distorted society because they don't know any better and that I'm fortunate to be aware that I don't need to be confined to those unrealistic standards of perfection. I know that hours logged at the gym does not correlate with the success of my day as a decent human being. I can have conversations with friends about real things that actually build relationships instead of talking about petty diets that are ultimately in place to make everyone feel guilty enough about their flaws to set new starvation resolutions until they all meet again. I know that it doesn't matter what the scale says, I will always HATE it, and that I don't need to torture myself by always seeking its approval. Sometimes I have ice cream for breakfast while still in bed because it is a simple pleasure in life. And sometimes I have a snack just because I can- because it is okay to be a little reckless and not overthink everything and remember that there are more things to life than having an eating disorder.

one hundred eighty six

There's a certain kind of person I choose not to associate with.

Sure, I'm cordial,

but not much beyond polite.

Do I feel bad?

Absolutely not.

And I'm still a good person.
Peace out.

two hundred eighty fve

I am a predictable mass of contradictions.

I'm the quiet nerd with a secret life as an outspoken, witty human being.

I walk through school, clumsily graceful, with eye avoiding self-confidence.

I whisper flambouyant greetings to friends I have never met.

I wear flip-flops, a skirt, and an old faded t-shirt.

I drive around with the music up and the sunroof open on the rainiest of days.

I am a pristine mess,

a mismatched fashion plate with hot pink fuzzy socks.

I am an intelligent idiot,

a procrastinating perfectionist,

a musician who dreams of never being heard.

Im a gloomy optimist,

a rebellious star patient,

a good girl with a bad attitude....

I am the nerd at a rock concert and the rocker at the symphony.

The Beastie Boys sit next to Bach in my CD collection.

I baby my parents and drive myself to the park to swing on the swings....

I am a practical romantic,

a clear-thinking flake,

an airhead with a good memory.

Im promptly late and lazily busy.

I am a southern Anglophile in suburban Utah,

an old-fashioned woman of the future

and an artist who cant draw.

I am the silent commentator.

I get the jokes, but can't make them.

Im an observer who wont look at people and a show-off who shuns attention.

I am a tongue-tied linguist and a studious slacker.

Im a fan who misses every game and a socialite without a social life.

i am an oxymoron.

two hundred eighty four

Things that have made me happy in the past week:

*boating
*vespa rides with patrick
*heating pads
*modern day medicine
*convos with my little brother that go something like this:

(While attempting to massage the muscle spasms in my neck and back)
A: Ouch! That's my bone!
L: Oh sorry! I thought it was the nugget!
A: The nugget?! Do you mean the knot?
L: Oh yeah, the knot...

(A few moments later)

A: Ouch!
L: Sorry, I keep telling myself to stay between your spine and razor blade but I keep getting distracted!
A: My razor blade?! You mean my shoulder blade?
L: Oh yeah...
A: That's okay Logan, I think I'm good on the massage...

He's adorable.

And life is good.

two hundred eighty three

apparently my blog called and it misses me...

i'm attempting to recommit to blogging because i used to love it. and lots has happened between my last post and now.

and on this episode of

"alana goes back to treatment..."

i took a little break from life itself. it was much needed. during that time i have discovered that:

-people like you more when you're not striving for perfection

-my apartment is next to the party pool

-change is hard

-people don't judge as much as i think they do

-the right thing is often the simple thing, but that certainly doesn't make it the easy thing

-i don't believe in AA's philosophy

-i do believe in the 12 steps

-it's okay to spend a seemingly ridiculous time staring at a cupboard full of food while sitting on my kitchen floor as long as i choose to eat something in the end

-i respond to tough love because it means someone cares enough about me to merit the energy of getting mad

-i'm hooked on grey's anatomy

-megavideo only allows 72 minutes of video watching at a time

-i love green apples and creamy peanut butter

-as tough as wanting something is, the people who suffer most are the ones who don't know what they want.

i called it like it was. and it sucked. but i'm better for it. so if you think i'm broken, then fix me. cuz i'm no quitter.

and i think we can do anything we want to if we stick to it long enough.

two hundred eighty two

Please don't ask,
I don't want to have to lie to you.
Its just a paper.
And I need to prove my penance.
Can't we avoid and pretend just a little bit longer?
Pretty please with a (artifically manufactured, red dye 40 saturated marachino) cherry on top?!

two hundred eighty one

With lipgloss prepped perfection,

She's out the door without a trace.

Sunroof's open, aviators on

As she zips from place to place.

The music's blaring; she sings along

Just living from day to day.

No one would guess the little girl in the Lexus

Just drives to fight her thoughts away.

two hundred eighty

holla.

soooo, i kinda had a little freak out this morning. i wish they didn't happen as frequently as they do. i've cleaned, distracted, slept, studied, zoned out, contemplated the notion of leaving my house to enjoy what looks like a beautiful warm spring day, journalled, and have ultimately found myself still in bed, and frustrated at not being able to figure out why i get so anxious about apparently nothing at all.

i was supposed to go rock climbing this weekend. i went climbing down in st. george last weekend and had a blast. i was looking forward to this trip all week long, it seriously got me through my week. we were supposed to leave yesterday morning and i freaked out and bailed. i love climbing. i love road trips. i love st. george. i love the group that was going down. so what was my deal?!

i just kept thinking about all of the homework i need to get done before finals come up. and i stayed home in order to relieve the stress of needing to get it all done (in theory). in reality, i've done like 3 things out of the 2 dozen that i need to do this weekend, and keep getting in bed in hopes of falling asleep and not stressing about it. unfortunately i've maxxed out on my sleep quota and am blogging instead. destructive? no. but not quite productive either...

okay i'm going to study for reals now and perhaps even leave my house at some point today...

here's to no more panic attacks! :)

ciao.

two hundred seventy nine

got a secret

can you keep it?

swear this one you'll save.

better lock it in your pocket,

taking this one to the grave.

if i show you then i know you won't tell what i've said

cuz two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

why do you smile like you've been told a secret?

now you're telling lies cuz you're the one to keep it.

but no one keeps a secret...

why when we do our darkest deeds, do we tell?

because they burn inside our brains

they become a living hell.

so no one keeps a secret...

[the very thing that connects us to each other?]

[the few secrets we don't think we could ever share with another.]

two hundred seventy eight

okay it's time for a little update...

-i hiked/camped in arches national park for the first time last weekend and it was freezing but amazing. an album of photos are posted on my facebook page and i'm too lazy to post them twice so feel free to scope them there.

-this weekend i'm going rock climbing in st. george and i can't wait! emily and i always have a blast on PRT road trips!

-my anxiety still sucks and i hate Ed. just needed to make sure i have that in writing somewhere.

-i snagged a schweeeeeet pair of straight leg dark wash Seven For All Mankind jeans for $45 today (that's right, be jealous) and am thrilled.

-it was recently discovered that i am an idiot when it comes to payroll and deductions and taxes and somehow owe the government one thousand US dollars. that's right. fml.

-chillaxin with shelly is quickly becoming one of my favorite past times, even if it means beginning to panic when i can't find her in a crowded store and wandering way too quickly (pretending to browse) while having the look of a lost 2 year old on my face until she eventually finds me! what is my deal?!

-found a rad new journal at B&N (i could spend all day in that store. for reals.). you know the old british war propaganda posters that were red with bold white writing and said "Keep Calm and Carry On"? well i found a nifty (yes, i just said nifty) little journal that's pink (of course) and in the same style says "Keep Calm and Have a Cupcake"! baha! i think it's awesome! (equally entertaining was browsing the aisles with her and suddenly seeing a book sticking out with her on the cover. i started laughing SO hard! sorry shell, but out of every book in the store, what are the odds?!)

-i also almost bought another journal that i thought was funny because it said "shopping is cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist." sometimes i shop a bit impulsively, just fyi... but once i got home i realized i'm glad i didn't buy it because with the way i shop seeing a psychiatrist would totally be cheaper so the sassy little saying wouldn't even be true! and then i started thinking about the cost of shopping and seeing a psychiatrist and decided to just stop thinking about things all together. i think too much sometimes all the time.

-glee returns in a matter of days and i'm mucho stoked!

-it needs to get warmer so i can start biking. this cold weather is killllllllling me. i hate it. i need to be outside.

-i also need to study.

peace.out

two hundred seventy seven

my new favorite snippet on earth! i probably watch it 3 times a day. for reals.

two hundred seventy six

i work at a hospital that just spent what seems like a kazillion dollars on a brand new multi-level wing of expansion. so pray tell, can you see what the hell they did wrong here? it drives me crazy to see it every single time i need to walk toward this hall to get to the elevators...

[edit] i abhor elevators in and of themselves but that's an entirely separate post of it's own!

two hundred seventy five

it's definitely been a looooooong time since i've posted via my mac opposed to my blackberry and it feels uber weird, but it's the only way to post pics along with my post (we all know how much i suck at posting pics), but i'll do it. whatevvvs, because i've been on a few adventures lately!

adventure#1:

last week tuesday i found myself with a few spare hours in which to study and decided to take a trip on the TRAX. i've never been on TRAX before because i've never had a reason to, and frankly, the hobos and germs sick me out and i really have too much to get done in my life than to needlessly put myself into situations which lead me to find myself strung out on benzos more than i already do. but on this day i decided to challenge my crazy ocd anxiety ridden mind and go down to the city library. why? just to see if i could! also, i love that library, hate having to actually pay for parking downtown, and was desperate to be away from campus since i live 5 minutes away and spend almost every waking hour either working at the hospital

on campus or in classes themselves. so i parked my car at the stadium, gandered at the map of stops and crazy colored dots which were indecipherable to me, and didn't freak out (at least not externally)! i am so freaking proud of myself! good job me!!! :)

truth be told, i lurrrrrv getting lost in the stacks or finding a deserted chair in the corner and just studying or people watching or simply taking in the view of the mountains while staying warm inside. as much as i complain about being uprooted and dragged to utah, it really is gorgeous.

adventure #2:

i'd never been to moab before and went rock climbing down there this past weekend! it was a blast, even though it was freezing and we got rained out and had to drive through the world's sketchiest canyon during a snow storm! i slab climbed, crack climbed, hiked a bit, and rappelled down the middle of a 200 foot red rock arch! it was incredible! it's funny to me to think of how scared i get of people but how i have zero fear when it comes to doing crazy stuff like trusting a nylon braided rope to suspend me 200 feet in the air. oh well. i won't question it. here are some of my favorite pics from the trip. rappelling pics are still to come... be excited.

our campsite

my first climb of the trip. holla!!! i try to act soooo hardcore its hilarious!

the eerily beautiful calm before the storm (although, had it not been for the fact that rain renders sandstone unclimbable, i'm all for watching thunder and lightning storms pass through a desert).

don't know why i dig this shot of an old train track running directly through where we were hiking, but i do...

much loves to moab. the end!

two hundred seventy four

Yesterday I was a rockstar. I don't want to ruin any of the delight that will inevitably ensue, BUT be excited about the my upcoming post and pictures documenting a certain impromptu adventure I voyeured yesterday. It was pretty saaaaweeet!

In other news, I'm running on a literal 2 hours of sleep and may not be making much sense to my co-workers today. Thankfully they're willing to indulge me and all the craziness that working with me tends to imply!

More later!

two hundred seventy three

Sometimes I get caught up in the insanity of life and kinda forget that I have a future... I know this must seem weird.

I often find myself in autopiolot mode, just going through the motions; bouncing from point A to point B; checking things off the list and forgetting that somewhere in all the mayhem I not only have a future to look forward to, but also have the option to decide what I want to do with that future! Pretty incredible, right?!

Sometimes I get so scared of making a wrong decision that I refuse to make any decision at all. It feels safe that way. But after a while I get tired of being so stagnant, of being exhausted from working so doggedly to simply stay afloat but still not make any real progress.

Well here's the latest on my plans for the future (it feels weird to have some). I applied for fall admittance to finish my BSN in nursing. If I get in then I'll go that route and get my masters as a nurse anesthetist. Even if I end up in a low paying state for that profession I'll still be making bank. If I don't get into the full time program then I'll grad in the fall with my psych degree and apply in the spring for PA programs (I can just apply all of my nursing credits as PA school pre-reqs and won't even have to take any additional classes!) and do my masters that way. I think I'd be happy with either path. That's what makes them so hard to choose between. Either way, I won't be in school forever (even though it feels that way sometimes) and I won't end up working my butt off (literally AND figuratively!) for something dumb like a doctorate in nursing.

Who would have thought when this process all began, that I'd have more potential in life than to just be a rockstar of a trophy wife?! Not gonna lie, it still sounds fun, but knowing what I know now, I don't think I'd be satisfied. I'd get bored. And as much as I cringe to admit it, I'm too damn smart to just sit around and look pretty.

xoxo

two hundred seventy two

guys,

totally don't want this to turn into an ED blog. that's lame. i want it to be about whatever's on my mind at the time. unfortunately, it often revolves around deciding whether or not to fight my ED at that moment in time. that's gotta stop. cuz that's freaking BORING! so here's a random blurb-

i've always been independent, stubbornly independent to the point of my own demise at times. for the most part its served me well and kept me resilient, but one thing i've never had to be independent about is finances. everything was always taken care of. i didn't even bother to ask about budgets or prices because as far as i was concerned, if it was cute enough that i wanted it, then i should in fact, have it. and with the swipe of a plastic or signature of a check it was mine (well, except for the lexus hardtop convertible that my dad tried to bribe me to recover with, i still don't have that toy. but give me time...).

when i moved out in november i didn't want to hear the crap about all the reasons i should stay home and how i don't pay rent there, or have responsibilities, can come and go as i please, don't have any bills to pay other than paying off whatever i spend on my nordstrom card, mom's at my beck and call, all of my meals are taken care of and i was monitored and kept accountable, yadayadayada. so i decided when i moved that i'd be fully independent. and for a while it was fun. it was like driving around in dad's brand new lexus (it only had 6 miles on it?!) and being out with friends and nonchalantly acting like it was mine, or carrying his cell phone in public while in elementary school and pretending it was mine, or like playing house with a cute boy and imagining what it would be like to have that same person sharing your bathroom for the rest of your life (i imagine disaster, just in case you were wondering). exciting, novel, intriguing.

i was so excited about having to write rent checks for myself every month and getting the monthly statements for utilities and sitting down with my paycheck twice a month to decide how i should most responsibly divvy up the fundage. omg i'm even paying for my own orthodontics because i am that much of a responsible adult!

so it's been a few months and the novelty is definitely beginning to fade. i pay my rent. cool. i pay my ortho bills. done. i pay my tithing. check. but all the little things about gas and electric and wireless internet and dish network (that i don't even use) and so many other things like the inevitable requirement of needing to put petro in my car (i didn't even start putting gas in my own car till college! it's such a hassle!), or the fact that buying food is so freaking expensive (and i'm still not sold on the fact that food is even a good way to spend hard earned money in the first place because you eat it and then it's just gone but leads to having to spend even more money as it settles on my butt and thighs so i suddenly find myself needing to buy new jeans, which just perpetuates this money situation) has kind of lead me to the conclusion that this "being a grown up game" kind of blows!

for reals, i just sat down to figure it all out and i'm pretty sure it leaves like $200 for incidentals like gas and play money and whatever else may come up in the next two weeks of my life. how am i supposed to plan for that?! people can't reasonably live on that! it sounds like a lot of money to a 5 year old, but i spend more than than on a single pair of denim!

therefore, today's conclusion:

sometimes being a big kid isn't very fun.

to make myself feel better i'm on my way to pick out some new organic shampoo and conditioner. it'll all work out one way or another, right? i mean, if all else fails i'll hit up the atm, that is my father. i'm his little girl, its not like he'd let me starve to death or anything!

have a good thursday! :)

xoxo

two hundred seventy one

No encouragement required.
I'm just stating my thoughts which are ever so conveniently not open to negotiation.

I've been fairly/decently/taking things into consideration/generally meaning/for the most part/having compliant intentions toward/but don't hold me to it- sticking to my d's monumental consumption of a meal plan.
Congrats are in order, yes??

I hate it with a fiery blazing inferno of a passion.
I cancelled on her last week and am dreading this week's little get-together because despite the fact that I'm gaining weight at a rate that will soon result in me being large enough to be the sole source of intake for a moderately populated country in africa, I still find myself in the predicament of theoretically being forced to down well over 20 bottles of boost while in her office, as penance for the few times I said "f- it" to my meal plan and missed its stupid little meal and/or snack demands. I've been racking my head to devise a way out of this disaster but have inevitably come to the somber reality that I may be stuck in her office, guzzling boost, for the entire frickin day. Heart burn and nausea are likely to ensue so perhaps I should obtain a script for IM Phenergan before heading in to smile and converse and shake with silent fury as I tell her how great it is to see her on such a glorious spring day. Kill me now.

Lastly, a pink little pill has re-entered my life to ensure that I'm able to sleep for more than, oh, THREE hours a night. While I appreciate its potency to turn off my racing thoughts and give my little noggin a break from the insanity, I do not in any way see the necessity of it causing and facillitating every possible form of weight gain. Where can I petition against that specific side effect?!

Feel free to blame it on my OCD, but I feel like I'm kinda stuck going in circles here...

two hundred seventy

Things have kinda hit the fan lately...
I'd blog about it all but I'm kind of still in processing mode...

I've made some choices that have resulted in some big changes in my life, which unfortunately demand some major decisions on my part...
Remember how I hate having to make decisions?! Yeah, me too.

Despite the frequency of feeling inadaquate and overwhelmed, I can eagerly recognize that I've been blessed with some pretty stellar people in my life. Understanding friends that fill me with hope, a family that adores me despite my plights of insanity, a kick-A treatment team that I pray will outsmart my eating disorder just one day at a time.

This past week was National Love Your Body Week and I went to some rad activities that really made me think about recovery.

I met up with a friend for some starbies action a few weeks ago and as we chatted we came to the topic of recovery. She's had her share of ups and downs and we usually keep it pretty superficial but as we sat there talking about past (and present) struggles, I asked her if she thought she was really done with her ED. Like for reals, for life, forever. She paused for a second and her eyes welled up and she looked at me and simply said "Yeah. I think I really am." Although she later apologized for tearing up over what she thought was such a seemingly trivial combination of words, I can't describe the impact it had on me to sit there and see such an accomplished, amazing woman say those words with such certainty. It is a moment that I hope I will never forget. But just in case it starts to fade with time (as even the most precious of memories tend to do) I'm blogging about it to remind myself that recovery is real; that it is possible. To remind myself when I forget, that recovery really is more than the ever ellusive ideal of a facade that I all too often accept it to be.

two hundred sixty nine

I said it every single time.
I realized it would just never be reciprocated.
So it became a joke.
It became empty-
Just a pleasantry before the click.
For the first time,
She said it to me.
But I don't care,
Cuz its too late..
I'm too empty for it to mean anything anymore.
So I said nothing,
And quickly hung up the phone.

two hundred sixty eight

Its interesting to me to think of all the stereotypical ways we compensate for our perceived inadequacies in our everyday lives. The big girls date skinny guys. The short guys buy giant trucks. I am always feeling my worst on days I look perfect.

Sometimes I feel stuck between the facades of attempting to be who I dream of becoming, being the person every parent envisions their child being, and simply being my ever imperfect self. I wish the masks didn't have to clash...

But on the other hand, today I look absolutely flawless.

two hundred sixty seven

I'm still shocked that it happened, but I somehow discovered 50 things that I want in my life! Go me! :D Some of them may be silly, but they all mean something to me and that was kinda the whole point of the assignment! Obviously, the material things were WAY easier to think of, but it feels good to have been able to come up with a list that's all my own. I said I'd post them, so here goes:

50 things alana wants in her life:
1. Black Mercedes G500 with 21 inch chromes
2. House boat at bullfrog on LP
3. Own a house
4. Bachelors degree
5. Masters degree
6. To be a mom
7. Have a healthy marriage
8. Supportive, dependable friends
9. Be content with the progression of my life
10. Tan on the beach in greece
11. Wine tasting in italy
12. Ice skate at Rockefeller square
13. Ability to fast for the right reasons
14. Peace and balance in my spirituality
15. Own my car (title and all)
16. Stability & consistency in daily life
17. Confidence in who I am
18. A hot body
19. A hot husband!
20. Speak italian
21. Play the piano
22. Pick on the guitar
23. Write songs on my guitar
24. Dance in a healthy way
25. Volunteer in a foreign country
26. Go hang-gliding or sky diving
27. Make a recovery quilt
28. Financial security
29. Balance with productivity
30. Get married in the temple
31. Recover from my ED without becoming a blimp
32. Truly be an intuitive eater
33. Have a Mastercraft ski boat
34. Shop for my wedding dress with my bff
35. Actually complete a legit college writing assignment (they terrify me)
36. Chat with friends on the steps of the Met
37. Spend an entire day getting lost in books in Barnes & Noble
38. Fall in love reciprocally (yes, I made that word up)
39. Have a bonfire and camp out on the beach
40. Go 4-Wheeling in moab
41. Hike angel's landing in zions
42. Go on a cruise
43. Name a star
44. Watch a meteor shower
45. See a solar eclipse
46. Hike Mt. Olympus
47. Hike Mt. Timpanogos
48. Beatrice Inn and all it implies
49. Have a double dry martini (two olives) at butter
50. Build and sleep in an igloo
51. Read the BoM from start to finish
52. To be simply, carelessly, whimsically, wholeheartedly happy... For REALS

Not only was I an overachiever in coming up with 52 instead of 50 (anyone surprised?), but I also paid the last installment on my car! Hooray! I can officially check number 15 off of my list!!! Yayyyy! It feels weird to post accomplishments in which I am congratulating myself, but I'm just super excited! Who buys their first car at 19, pays it off without any help, and finds themselves with a Lexus title in their name free and clear at 22?! For someone who once wondered if they'd live to see their 20th birthday, I'm super proud of myself and feel like this is an instance when its okay to say it! :)

xoxo,
alana

two hundred sixty six

Yesterday with the dreaded D:

While walking back to her office-
J: "So Miss Alana, long time no see..."
Me: "Uh, yeah, life's busy, but its good to see you!" (supress eye roll)
J: "We're getting your weight today and you haven't shown up for an appointment in over a month so don't argue with me about it."
Me: (its been a staggering 10 seconds and I already feel defeated?! We're in for a rough session...just act nonchalant) "Okay... Sure..."

As I'm getting a blind weight taken:
Me: "I swear I've gained the weight of a hearty sized mammoth in the past 2 weeks."
J: "Why would you assume something like that? Have you been weighing yourself?"
Me: "What kind of ED patient would I be if I didn't weigh myself?"
J: (without a single note of sarcasm) "A compliant one."

Whoa J! Ouch! Whatevs, that was brilliant. One point to the D! Haha

When all's said and done?
-weekly sessions are a must. no excuses or negotiation.
-i must be medically stable if i have any hope of staying OP so i need to keep up with my lab draws, EKGs, blah, blah, blah.
-meal by 0900 and 1400, snack by 1900 or boost it up. this we KNOW I'm good at. body by boost baby. hollllllla!

This sucks. But I'm the only one who can get myself out of this mess so I gotta suck it up and just do it.

How were today's dietary goals?

Done and done. :)

two hundred sixty five

Here I sit, on time (for almost the first time in my entire life), waiting for the first class of the semester to commence. I've been at work since 5:30am and am ever so uncomf as I look around at my darling peers- hair all done, big star jeans, and affliction tees- as they make friends with their neighbors. Not surprisingly, I sit here, not making eye contact, texting on my blackberry as I sit alone in my navy scrubs. Welcome to my life.

I've been thinking a lot lately and I have totally been a downer, which is lame-o even in the most positive light. I think about what's been going on in my life and figure its time for a less cryptic update. I am who I am and sometimes things straight up suck, and I guess that's okay as long as I'm willing to be honest about it. So here goes...

The holidays were lots of ups and downs. I moved out with my friend charlotte the day after thanksgiving and have been having a blast. I'm seriously like 2 minutes from my family's house so I can go home whenever and let rox stay there and play with oaks while I'm working. I like paying my rent and budgeting money for utilities and acting like a legit adult. I'm a dork, but I've embraced it. :)

My dad moved out a few days after I did. I felt like it was my fault for setting off the chain of events, but I know its not. I needed to do what was best for me and not worry about care taking everyone else in my fam. I still see them lots and definitely think I made the right choice. My dad moved back home on christmas eve but I'm just waiting for him to leave again. Its not my problem to fix, nor do I have the ability to, so I try to just accept things for how they are and know that I'm not the cause of anyone's misery.

After doing a food log for N for a while I went back to seeing a dietitian. Her name's jessica and I think I'd really like her if it wasn't for the fact that she's my dietitian and I think she hates me. I was supposed to go once a week and went every few weeks for a little while because apparently I couldn't see N unless I was seeing J. Whatevs.

N also gave me an assignment from back in the inpatient days. I needed to re-do my list of 50 things I want in my life. On my previous list I listed stupidly hopeful stuff like founding a charity and who knows what else... It was obviously not a life changing collaboration, being that I don't remember what I wrote down. As far as I was concerned, I just needed to list 50 random things so I could phase advance. This time around I have other worthwhile tasks to fill my days with and decided I would do it for real if I was going to do it at all. I said I wouldn't come back to see her until I had finished said list because I am an achiever and there's no way I was going to show up and say I was unsuccessful at completing my task. That was several weeks ago... I've been a bit of a debbie downer upon realizing that in trying my hardest, there aren't 50 things that I want in my life. For reals. Only 5 of them can be material things and those were the only easy ones to come up with. I think about my list every day and am up to 32 things. I'll post them once (if) I reach 50. At that point I'll also schedule to see N. I really miss her. But until then why go see J if I'm not seeing N anyway.

I finally met with my bishop on sunday. I've done some dumb stuff that needs to be fixed but it feels good to not be hiding from it anymore. And that always brings relief. :)

Over the break from school I became preeeeetty crafty and have loved it! I finished a scarf that I attempted to start 5 years ago. It ended up being way cute and I was so proud of myself! I gave it to Loni for Christmas since the yarn was originally bought with her in mind. :) I'm almost done crocheting a pink and grey fuzzy scarf for my sister, L. I'm also planning on finally making a quilt (thanks to Ivy!) from all of the designer denim I had to get rid of after treatment but can't bear to give or throw away. I'm super excited about it! AND I made my first batch of cupcakes! All by myself! And they didn't burn or make anyone sick or anything! Funfetti for zeke's last day working with us in same day and they were delish! :D

There are still lots of things that I need to fix in my life but at this point I'm trying to simply take life one day at a time!

Ciao bellas.

two hundred sixty four

Something always brings me back to him,
It never takes too long.
Hold me without touch,
Keep me without chains.
Set me free, leave me be,
I don't want to fall another moment
S was my gravity.

B,
I would pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.

C's my good time cowboy casanova.
Looks like a cool drink of water but is candy coated misery.
He gives me feelings that i don't want to fight
I'd better run for my life.

Storybook endings,
Fairy tales coming true,
Deep down inside I want to believe they still do. It's my favorite part of the story.
All I'm looking for is my happily ever after.