one hundred twenty six

not so much raves, its actually more of a rant.
be forewarned.
about girls that are mean...
i want to know why-
i want to know why a group of girls assembles at the beginning of the semester in my chemistry class and turns around, gives me a dirty look, or talks about me during every single class. i want to know what i've ever done to them that makes them feel so entitled to be such bitches... sorry for the language, but it really is fitting for their behavior. we are now a month into the semester and i have tried SO hard to ignore them and just do my thing. i don't talk to anyone so its not like i'm "that one kid" who always asks too many questions, talks too loudly to their neighbor, or struts in with a posse that is practically screaming to be challenged. no, i sit quietly, take copious notes, and jet as soon as it wouldn't no longer be considered rude to leave. i don't know these girls, so what do they have against me? honestly, i'm not trying to play the victim here, but i don't know why the heck i have been singled out to be gossiped about. isn't that hierachally a role reserved for the kids that pick their nose or are still wearing their tie dyed shirts or still excessively using their 1980-era hair crimpers? i tried telling myself to stop being so paranoid, but today, after a pretty crappy day in the first place, i'm running late for class and of course the only convenient seat to take is the one right in the row in front of them. so i take a deep breath, sit down and hear whispering followed by stiffled giggles and a voice saying in the fakest tone ever to "quit it and be nice." obviously i'm feeling so self conscious that i want to walk out and hide in a cave somewhere. i din't though, because i didn't want to have them looking at me as i walked out, and i reminded myself that i am in school for me, not for them or to get their approval, and that i shouldn't let my anxiety conflict with my desire to go to class. so i sat there for the first 2/3 of the class with eyes boring a hole- not just the back of my head, but pretty much the rest of my body and soul. being that our pompous professor takes personal offense to people getting up out of their seat while he is lecturing (he says if you are in class he expects you to respectfully remain in your seat till the lectures through), i am trying not to lose it so i discreetly grabbed my smartwater and an ativan from my bag. i didn't want to take a full dose since i needed to drive home and be productive tonight, but its a tiny pill to begin with and is already scored so i broke it in half and popped it in my mouth, along with a tic tac. one of the junior high-ites is practically straining her neck to the side so she can see what i'm doing, and then we have this dumb 5 minute break when there's only 15 minutes of class left anyway, and as i am checking texts/voicemails/whatev, i totally hear them behind me whispering about how i just took something and broke it in half, and how it wasn't advil, it was "like a pill" and how they were totally reading eachother's minds earlier in the class when bitch #1 had to tell bitch #2 to be nice. naturally more giggling ensues. i knew how curious they were about that secret drug i was popping and i wanted to turn around and say "since you can't mind your own business, i'm happy to let you know that i'm taking an anti-bitch pill in hopes of not losing my cool and turning into someone like you!" i mean really, are we still in junior high? i really wanted to snap at her and ask if she could help me figure out why she thought she was so great and powerful, because i just can't see it. i mean, while i appreciate her attempt at junior high aeropostale fashion, she's not pretty, DOES NOT have a cute body(i know i shouldn't judge people on that, but its all fair game when they are so openly critiquing me), her highlights are poorly placed in bad shades for her pastey skin tone, and by her behavior alone, she OBVIOUSLY isn't a nice person, so really, what is she so sure of herself about?! i am so confused! i even glanced at her handwriting, which says a lot about a person, and it wasn't cute either. i know some people say that girls act like that if they are jealous of something, but its not like i'm walking in and flaunting a guy that she's secretly crushing on and resenting me for. no, insecure girls keep it to themselves and beat themselves up about not being as pretty, thin, smart, etc... as the girl they are jealous of. MEAN GIRLS pick insecure people out for no reason at all and make them feel so uncomfortable that they want to run and cry. an aside: in my own little snotty way, i pretended not to notice that one of them dropped their pencil in the middle of class and it rolled right under my chair. ready for this- she was too snotty to ask me to pick it up, but made a big deal in the middle of lecture about finding someone that could loan her an extra! bet your bottom dollar i didn't help her out. now, i'm not going to give them the satisfaction of making me leave, but i am wholeheartedly blaming on them the fact that i now dread going to that class 3 nights a week. thanks bitches. and finally, don't be surprised that as mad as i was at these girls, at the end of the class i still grabbed her pencil, turned around, handed it to her, and with a smile said "see you tomorrow." welcome back to junior high.

one hundred twenty five

RIP Gordon B. Hinckley
1910-2008

what an amazing man. what else is there to say?

we all know how i've had my issues with religion/spirituality/myself/pretty much everything else in the world, but no matter what was going on in my life, i have always had nothing but the highest respect and adoration for president hinckley. you know they're great if they're called to be prophets of God, but there was just something about him that bought me the greatest sense of peace. i don't know if it was the sincere kindness in his eyes that are nearly impossible to find in this world today... i don't know if it was his sweet disposition as he cracked jokes in the middle of giving a talk... i don't know why. what i do know is that every day i drove up the same street to go to work- you know the one that goes through the eagle gate and passes right next to his apartment with their green tinted bulletproof windows that looks directly onto the temple? everyday i would think of him as i drive by and suddenly all of the craziness in my head didn't seem that catastrophic. i thought to myself about what it would be like if i somehow met him one day and had to admit that i didn't go to church anymore, and had some wine every now and then, and wasn't quite as temple worthy as i used to be. but i genuinely don't think he would have judged me for it and feel like he was the only living person on this earth that honestly wouldn't. so now i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, so grateful for a man that i have never met. i seriously can't believe i am crying so hard over this. i can't believe i'm crying- its been over a year- it's like a miracle in and of itself! but you know what, it feels good. i'm not sure if this was the best night to have put a facial mask on because it is now dripping down my face, but thats okay. sorry, this isn't supposed to be about me! president hinckley will probably always be the first person i think of when i hear the word "prophet." he has been the prophet for the majority of my life! he was the prophet when i was baptized, he was the prophet when i first went into the temple to do baptisms for the dead, he was the prophet i admired, revered, and prayed for since the time i said my bedtime prayers as a primary child, through the time i'd cry through my prayers at the center for change! i'm so grateful for all he's done for the church, i'm grateful for all that he's done for the world, and i'm grateful for all that he unknowingly has done for me. i'm not sure why i'm so sad over this since i went to primary and know all about how he must be so happy to be back with the savior and able to be with his wife again. i can't imagine how much he must have missed her. thank god for eternal marriages, huh? i guess i'm just sad to see such an amazingly kind and influential man leave a world that still so desperately needs him. but i understand. and i'm happy for him. and i'm sure the next prophet will be a good one too. but i'll just miss him, that's all. here's to president hinckley. :)

one hundred twenty four

it's going to be a long weekend.
i just wrote out my list of homework to knock out in the next 48 hours.
the list totals out at 20.
yep, 20.
doesn't that seem a bit excessive?
what's funny is that while attmepting to write the word excessive, i actually typed the word obsessive.
how's that for a freudian slip?!
although being a psych major, i know that that term is too frequently misused, just as it was in my last sentence.
it has become such a catch phrase term in society today that most people overlook it's true meaning.
just as i am willing to do right now! haha

so i've inadvertently decided that i need to work harder on true nutrition.

first, the lack of water consumption needs to stop. my skin would thank me endlessly. as well as the rest of my organs!

second, now that i don't eat chicken i need to work even harder at getting adaquate protein. proteins are totally the worker bees of the entire body and would blow your mind if you truly realized all that they do. its amazing! i'm actually finding that i really like all different types of beans, which are fabulous sources of protein and that's very exciting to me. since my fam had some chicken casserole-ish thing for dinner i had to resort to finding something to eat on my own. first of all, my house is full of teeming with 4 overly active kids that eat everything in sight (including any sort of leftover that i am attempting to savor at a future time), and unless i physically go grocery shopping (which probably hasn't happened since my days of day patient since i'm never home at meal time), no one ever buys anything that i like to eat. thankfully i have a little cupboard of food-ish things that i can resort to in times such as these. well, being the culinary genius that we all know me to be, i am currently munching a cranberry almond granola bar, rice cake smeared with peanut butter, and sipping a fantastically blended caramel macchiato from the nordy's e-bar. i had it made with soy milk so it wouldn't hurt my tummy and am totally considering that 1 cup serving to be a source of protein. yeah!!

third, the lattes should probably take a back seat to meals. sometimes when i'm on the run and short on time i hit starbucks and somehow convince myself that it's pretty much the same as drinking a boost. apparently i'm pretty convincing sometimes...

finally, i'm coming to the conclusion that i have precisely 71 minutes to finish my ethical dilemmas readings and make my class post before the deadline so i should probably go... with all of this homework hanging over my head, why the heck am i blogging?? because i want to, that's why! :)

one hundred twenty three

tonight as i watched yet another fantasmic episode of OTH i began to ponder about what brings people together. some say it's all about opposites attracting. others think they are best friends with their best friend because they are so identical they should have be monozygotic twins. i started thinking about the diversity of relationships in my life and marveling at how such seemingly different people could all get along so well. everyone has their quirks, preferences, vices, etc... each one of us is so very different, and with all the differences in their varying degrees, its the perfect example of how there truly isn't a "normal" even if we wanted to label someone or something as it. here's what i mean:

-anna can't smell, periodically pinches herself to see if the feeling has returned to her arm, and doesn't like ice in her water. (she also hasn't gotten on board with the blogolution yet.)
-loni doesn't like cheese but orders a pizza and then scrapes the cheese off- but in the most un-ED way in the planet. she also doesn't like raisins but gets oatmeal in a oatmeal raisin cookie bowl.
-brie is the mission president's daughter that delights in dirty jokes and perverted cat fondling.
-whit doesn't like cotton balls or when her fingers get pruny from being in water for too long. she is also slowly but steadily creating a profit deficit for red robin through ranch dressing and fry sauce consumption.
-hailey genuinely believes it might be a good idea to try back handsprings after back surgery, motivates YW volleyball games by having the girls chant things like "go get em tiger on the count of three!" (tiger wasn't even our mascot), and has a bottomless pit of a stomach for any combination involving bob's brain freeze, diet coke, and cafe rio.
-alisa rae won't eat chicken even though she likes it, cuz its not ideal for her blood type, works out her arms while balancing on the edge of the tub as the boys delightfully splash her, and pretty much considers ice cream to be one of the main food groups. she also subscribes to the "blame alana" philosophy of avoiding tricky situations in life.
-steve is mr. "its not okay, but its okay" if you know what i mean... steve, i know what you mean and im SO not down with that, if you know what I mean!
-davis is mr. "hey lets hang out" one day, but mr. "i haven't seen you in months but am still offended that you didn't buy me a christmas present" the next day...all of these schizo moments are sporadically received via text message...even better.
-spencer is a little bit spoiled and high maintenance, swears on his life that he isn't, but then pouts like a 5 year old prince when you point out blatant examples of it.
-kate sheller is the sweetest, most innocent looking people i know, but the girl can use the f bomb as more parts of speech in a single sentence than anyone i have ever met! its hilarious. and actually quite impressive.
-alriggles comes from a cute dairy farm in idaho but relishes moments at sketchy tattoo parlors on state street, flashing gangsta faces to the camera while a fire crotched, gauge eared homie pops a needle through her nose.
-trina, always the ultimate "feminist, ms. independent, boys are idiots" leader of skyline high school, suddenly gets engaged after what, 2 weeks?! and is now being the ultimate suzie homemaker; preggo and everything. it blows my mind! and i miss her like crazy!
-and then i'm still the weirdest of all, asking for appetizer recommendations at a certain ridiculously busy restaurant while saying "but i don't eat fish, chicken, other seafood, eggs, milk, soft cheeses, onions, cucumbers, bell peppers, or things with too much white flour in them...and i'm kinda lactose intolerant today." i guess the good thing is that i really narrow the menu down for myself. alisa's favorite is that i order the mushroom stroganoff from noodles and company without the mushrooms. whatevvvs! i also keep a spool of floss in my car and would rather stay home with a chick flick or a good book, than hit sundance or the star studded concert at harrios. i am a spelling snob who makes up and uses words that do not even exist, and wakeboard even though the premise of being in a lake majorly sicks me out. so i'm a weirdo, what can ya do?

okay after spewing all of this i have come to a profound conclusion... i think the reason i'm friends with all of these people is because in one way or another they are weird like me! :)

one hundred twenty two

face lost in a crowd,
feet wandering empty streets.
voice crying out loud,
heart aching with every beat.
someone searching,
everywhere and endlessly.
soul battered and bruised,
pride wounded and left for dead,
ears deaf to good news,
eyes tear drenched in sleepless red.
isolation,
trepidation,
a body scarred with hate.
hope suffering long,
faith urging that its not too late.

one hundred twenty one

many of you know my mom, sherla. here's a picture of her on thanksgiving with my bro chris... thats not really her name but if you don't know the story, don't worry about it. so she keeps bugging me about going running and saying that i could even take roxy with me if i wanted and it would be good exercise for her too. first of all, my dog runs about 1/2 of a mile in the direction opposite of my house and then cries till i carry her the rest of the way. unless i strap her into a backpack to bring her along, i'm not going to carry my dog as i go running- it really does nothing for my stride or form. and backpacking her really defeats the purpose of bringing her to give her some exercise. second of all, its like 13 degrees out with a wind chill making it feel closer to 0. i'm always freezing in the first place, so being out in the elements just doesn't sound like a good time to me. i thought it was a valid point and thought she'd leave me alone after telling my reasoning. but the result of my comment was being dragged to sports authority yesterday and made to buy underarmour, a headband for my ears, and running gloves to keep me warm(er) as i'm out in the arctic weather. my amusement came through realizing that i chose a unitard of all things as my base layer. don't
worry, its not the only thing i'm planning on wearing! i thought it seemed great so i didn't have to worry about pulling up/down different layers as i ran. it seems terribly practical, am i wrong? my family thinks its hilarious, saying that no one in their right mind chooses to wear a unitard, for the fact alone that as they were out in public they would know they were wearing one. i'm going to chalk it up to the years of strange dance costumes, that i'm apparently accustomed to the idea of seemingly embarrassing apparel. so i guess i'm out of excuses now that i have new running clothes and a new workout mix(gracias to the folks at itunes)... but at least now i'll be a bit warmer, right?!

one hundred twenty

a few things:

first, i went to the dentist this morning since i had yet another cavity. good times. apparently the combination of years of stomach acid and compulsive tooth brushing don't go too nicely with the attempt to maintain strong tooth enamel... okay well to make a long story short i am now sitting at the back of my stats class feeling pretty strung out (thank you ativan), my mouth, jaw, lips, etc all numb, and hoping and praying that i don't get called on or spoken to. i'm not really a fan of drooling all over myself or speaking like a stroke patient. i would be so embarrassed, so of course now i'm all paranoid!

second, jenni schaefer(the life without ed lady) wants me to help her with an article and i don't know how to say no so... yeah. its going to be in cosmogirl and that freaks me out. what should i do? this whole ED thing is frigtarded. i wish it would all just go away.

third, i am in class till 9:30 tonight and have to cart around my supplies for my chemistry lab tonight. let me just say that i feel a bit nerdy walking around campus with a full roll of paper towels, jug of dish soap, kitchen matches and combo lock. yeah. but at least it all fits in a giant pink juicy bag, so i guess it could be worse.

i hope this all made sense. i'm seriously feeling pretty out of it. okay i'm out.

one hundred nineteen

as i sit here in class in a turtle neck, scarf, peacoat, and knee high boots- STILL shivering, i recall the weather channel reporting that salt lake will hit a blazing 18 degrees fahrenheit today. sick. i am definitely living in the wrong part of the united states. somewhere like phoenix is sounding really nice right about now. stay warm friends- or at least attempt to!

one hundred eighteen

yikes. so i was on kbyu for this special that they did on eating disorders that aired tonight (ps, meekes you're in a picture that they used on it so i probably should have told you before it aired so you could watch it, but i was all paranoid since i hadn't seen it yet and so i didn't want to tell anyone about it being on. sorry!). dr. b & doc hardman were on it too, and as usual, they were great. of course i was freaking out and worrying that i looked wider than i am tall. now before you go off on saying how that's not possible, please take into consideration that i am barely 5'3, so being wider than my height seems like a true blue concern! anyway, it drives me crazy that to hear them talk about me as if i am all recovered because i know that being "in recovery" and "recovered" are two very different things. i feel like now i definitely need to get my recovery perfected because i don't want to be hypocritical to the things that were said. maybe that's some good motivation for me...? who knows... what i do know is that i HATE eating disorders. i hate everything about them. i hate how they aren't about weight or appearance and yet that's still how they manifest in your head. i hate how easy it is to slide back into negative thought patterns even after such hard work to try and tune them out. i hate how no matter how hard i work at overcoming Ed forever, but in a split second i am once again believing every negative thought in my head and back at square one in terms of feeling worthless. i hate how doing something like ED awareness and hopefully prevention by sharing my story sends me once again into feeling convinced that my life is inappropriately prioritized and that my main goal should be to lose a good 30 pounds. what the hell is that about?! really, could i be any more irrational?! i'm sure i'll talk myself through this one, i always do, but i just felt the need to vent that EDs really suck and i hate them. have a good night! :)

one hundred seventeen

i need to stop reading the news. its too depressing! i just read a story about a woman named benita jacks that killed her 4 girls, ages 16-5 and just had them rotting in her house. how awful must it have been for those little girls to suddenly come to the realization that their mother, the person they most likely trusted more than anyone in the world, was trying to kill them? it seriously makes me physically sick to think of how horrible of a place this world is becoming. i understand the whole "we're on earth to be tested" thing, but really, i want to know WHY as the temporal, unperfect, vulnerable to horrific slaying kind of beings we are, are we put in such a horrible place and basically told "good luck" as we weather the storms of life? i guess i don't understand why God would put us somewhere in which the majority of our lives are spent in sadness and despair... im not trying to be pessimistic, but what am i missing???

one hundred sixteen

so there's this person i used to know
who would consistently tell me to
"get off the damn fence."
as much as i know she's right,
i really just have the urge to kick her
for so frequently resonating in my head!
fortunately for the both of us,
i don't see her face anymore.

[its.just.one.of.those.days]

one hundred fifteen

depth. real.
to roll off the tongue.
genuinely artistic.
surprise me. amaze me.
it gives me the chills.
britney says gimme more, gimme more.
take my breath away.
gingerly nailing me
like a ton of bricks
scarred through acts of passion.
intimately public through strangers unknown
a looking glass into the soul.
a flittering glimpse of humanity.
redistributing pigment takes shape once more.
whirling settles.
solidified now.
end of chapter.
punctuate.

one hundred fourteen

today at noodles and company.
i could barely hold the camera still as i silently shook with laughter!
oh jax- what a crazy boy!
good times! :)

one hundred thirteen

a holiday recap...
we decided that the kids should go skating together every winter and this year we went the saturday before christmas. i was all for it, but then was a baby after like a half hour because i got cold and went shopping for an hour or two before returning to just pick them up from the skating rink. but before i ditched i managed to take some pics. it was logan and jenna's first time on skates!

niko was so awesome as he helped jenna to go around, she was a little nervous at first, but got pretty good after a while!

lots of time was spent deserately clutching the side wall, but i guess you gotta do what you're comfortable with, ya know?!

logan fell lots due to his premature ability attempting some daredevil tricks, but totally embraced the falls. he thought it was fun!

it was obviously a very white christmas this year, just like i used to dream about when i was living in hawaii. i enjoyed it since i got to stay nice and warm indoors most of the time. its so beautiful!

the presents were insane this year, with rockband being everyone's fav. they even got me to play it, and i'll admit it, i'm hooked! honestly, as much as i'm enjoying my presents, cash, and gift cards, my favorite has been being able to play board games and things that everyone can do together. its so fun now that the younger kids are getting old enough to understand game concepts and play along!

so that was kinda it, but i had a blast. sorry i took so long to post this, and i have a few other things to catch up on, but better late than never, right?! peace out!

one hundred twelve

brace yourself for today's quote of the day:
"although i do not neccessarily recommend it, it is entirely up to you whether or not you choose to binge and purge your way through this course."

yup, go ahead and read it again.
that's what my chemistry professor told us today in regard to how we choose to prepare for our midterm exams and finals. of course he meant it as trying to cram in a bunch of textbook info last minute, and then just recite it on our exams, but this was his arrogant stab of humor in a sea of undergrads. the ill fitting jest was overlooked by most people, myself included, until he continued to elaborate on how binging and purging was such a fitting analogy to many student's study habits. in my opinion it was just ignorant and bad taste.

but in better news, the first day of school went well and i even went to the dentist by myself today- ativan free i may add! :) i know i'm taking a lot of credits, but i'm so anxious to get them all done! hopefully it won't prove to be too much... time will tell i guess!

just for fun, here's a list of my rants and raves- part 2:

[i am fond of]
tweezing.banbury cross.silky soft skin.blowing bubbles.the smell of clean laundry.ice cream.science.new running shoes.worn out pointe shoes.holiday inspired nail polish hues.snail mail.creative handwriting.fresh squeezed orange juice.sourdough bread.blogging.journalling (in ANY creative way that is condusive to you actually documenting the events of your life).watching snow fall while being warm inside.crunching fallen leaves.puppy kisses.flossing.costco.mikhail baryshnikov.natalia osipova.pink highlighters.textbook reinbursment.cheesecake with cherry preserves.asparagus and swiss cheese quiche.hanky pankys.lint rollers.iTunes music backups.comcast OnDemand.the repeat function of a cd/mp3 player."nike+plus" running shoes

[i am not fond of]
earthworms.chipped nail polish.dumb boys.most boys!.term papers.math.homework on weekends.sushi.boyfriend's ex's.old school chalk boards.addiction.bad phone reception.numbers-any and all(ED, math, OCD, all of them!).petting zoos.uncomfortable heels.car exhaust.how fat congeals on ice.banana cream pie.social anxiety.blowing hand dryers.reheated pasta.snowy roads.bad drivers.screen printed earrings.lima beans.steroid and hormone laden food.when my dog tries to run away, not really, but she wouldn't come back when i called her.the smell of seran wrap.how your absolute favorite cds are the only ones that get scratched to the point of non-use.finally admitting that i should have stayed in DBT just a teeny bit longer.

one hundred eleven

okay, so i've been a bit of a s.l.a.c.k.e.r.
but will someone please tell me how i can send my laptop out to get "debugged" and it comes out slower than before it went in?? it seriously bugs, no seriously!

so...
christmas...
good for the most part.
worked lots.
avoided lots.
ignored LOTS.

new years...
fun.
lots of what-ifs.
i almost peed my pants.

so now...
spring semester starts at 7:25 tomorrow morning.
as much as i'm stoked to get through it,
i am, as usual, terrified.
why?
i know that just like every other semester,
i'll try my best and that will have to suffice.
it's not really the classes that scare me.
it's the people.
new professors, new students, but the same old insecurities.
why can't school be like driving a car...
you kind of just get used to it after a while.

so i'm going to just sit here and avoid a little bit more...
i did a cute wall collage of photos of everyone i love,
its pretty fabulous.
i'm listening to sara evan's greatest hits cd
and can't get enough of "always be my baby."
its a winner!
niko and i won a kick-a game of cranium turbo.
playing reminded me of mark.
i heard he got married.
good for him.

i should have gone shopping this weekend because i don't have a clue of what i am going to wear tomorrow! i'm staring at multiple closets and am completely confused at how i don't have a single thing to wear. what's going on?! i'm excited to use the oversized juicy bag i bought for school this semester though. special thanks to oakley for chewing through the zipper on my last backpack, therefore giving me the initative to buy a new one! haha okay well i'm out for now. i hope every one had a marvelous christmas/chanakah/new years/kwanza/whatever you felt like celebrating!