two hundred sixty three

A few realizations have hit me recently:
-im not very fun. This was made evident by the depressing convo with my little sis. "Can we ever hangout and actually do something? I don't care what- we can do whatever you want to do, but please can we just do something?" Sorry J, yes we can definitely do something. I haven't a clue what, but we must do SOMETHING. Yikes.
-i can't fix everything. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with this fact, but acknowlegement is the first step, right?!
-family time and misery are perpendicular. I am depressingly familiar with both angles and the persistent collision of them.
-i have a love/hate relationship with all things "karma," but seem to be bff's with irony.
-my favorite fairytale has become "a proclaimation to the family."
-i stopped believing in dreams after discovering the reality that happiness is merely a wish your heart makes.

two hundred sixty two

Its super easy to kiss the boys you know you'll never see again. The ones you tire of in a matter of weeks. But its scary when you can't figure out why you are still into the same one after multiple months. When you're not finding excuses to stay home and study. When you talk everyday but it still feels like it could all end in an instant. So you put off anything that may ruin it, and anything that may make you fall for him, because you don't want to contribute to the hurt you'd inevitably feel if (when) it all falls apart.

And then one day it does. But you somehow find that ever allusive place where you realize that even if in some strange, alternative reality-

It really will be okay in the end.

two hundred sixty one

wow. there's nothing funnier than seeing a guy rocking out alone as he drives by in his ford taurus while wearing "faux-kleys" on a cloudy day!

two hundred sixty

Dear professor whom I am too classy to specifically name,
Just because your exams take me 15 minutes to complete opposed to the alotted 2 hours you expect from your other mediocre students does NOT mean that I do not take my education seriously. If you give us 2 hours and I allow myself a full 30 minutes, don't attempt to make me feel like a careless person. I fully utlized my time this morning to straighten my hair and match my eyeshadow to my coat and lipgloss and there's nothing wrong with that. I feel no regret over not kissing your ass the way you expect everyone else to just because you have the letters p, h, and d after your name. They mean nothing to me. I finished my test with a complete 15 minutes to spare so don't harass me mmmkay? I don't harass you about your lack of teaching ability, your insufficient breadth of knowledge for the course, or even about your permapressed stain resistant treated khakis from kohl's. And finally, when you make me go upstairs to the office because you're assuming it will take me 2 hours and you don't have the patience to sit and attempt to collect your ever-so-fragmented thoughts, do not assume the hollow plywood encased door I sit behind is soundproof as you bad mouth me to the secretary you have handed me off to. Proctor your own test. Understand that we aren't all as dense as you are. And learn how to keep your voice down as you gossip about the student you have in the next room.

Sincerely,
Me

two hundred fifty eight

My heartbeat beats me senselessly-
Why's everything gotta be so intense with me?
Im trying to handle all of this unpredictability,
And in all probability
It's a long shot
But I say why not?
If I say forget it I know that I'll regret it.
It's a long shot just to beat the odds,
And the chance is we won't make it
But I know that if I don't take it
There's no chance.
And you're the best I've got.
So here goes a long shot...

two hundred fifty seven

{Sometimes I forget that I can't live as an island unto myself}

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
God grant me patience for things that take time, appreciation for all that I have, tolerance for those with different struggles, and the strength to get up and live one day at a time.

{And its okay to need a little help from time to time}

two hundred fifty six

I have an odd facination with home depot. I'm serious. Every time I walk in there I get a little tingle that goes through me. Its different than the buzz that I get when I walk into nordy's, but its definitely from the same lineage. I think the difference is with nords I know what I'm in for and the delight which will inevitably ensue as I hand pick my latest baubbles. But HD is so foreign and new to me. I am completely overwhelmed at its vast aisles but am paralyzingly thrilled at the limitless possibilities! I don't even know where to start and I love the potential it encompasses!

I don't know what it is, but there's something about fall that leaves me feeling creative and inspired. This is usually satisfied through indulgence at nordy's annual october lingerie campaign, but this year I was vastly disappointed. How can something as fabulous as fall lingerie (in all of their phenomenal, complexion complimenting jewel toned goodness) not bring immediate and lasting bliss?! If only betsy johnson would come to grips with the fact that hot pink rose bud printed mesh will never again be coveted intimate apparel... Hopefully the holidays will bring more shopping delight, but in the mean time Home Depot and DIY projects may be just what I need to keep my creative bug happily at bay!

two hundred fifty five

Of anything he could have chosen to say-
"Ohhh I love scar stories!"
Well pumpkin,
Let the stories begin...

Happy halloween, indeed.

two hundred fifty four

what I've been thinking about today...

-this morning it snowed for the first time this season. It hasn't stopped.
-i didn't bring a coat. Of course it didn't even dawn on me leaving my house at 5:30am in the snow, to bring a freaking coat!
-i've been at the u since summer of 2oo7 and have never owned a single piece of collegiate apparel.
-i just bought my first u of u hoodie and I am THRiLLEd to be wearing it right now! :)

Happy snow day! :)

two hundred fifty three

Some say I'm picky,

others may even say spoiled,

but I see it as merely being accustomed.

I know what I like, and I know what I don't like.

I make no apologies for having experiences that lead to having higher standards and expectations due to the fact that once I've encountered the best I will not settle. It's the unique combination of my likes and dislikes that make me who I am. And I love that.

I'm not fond of:

-Earthworms-Spitting on sidewalks-Spitting at all-Fountain sprite-Peanuts-Avacados-Corn on the cob-Muffin tops over pants-Holes in food-Video game music-When bangs get stuck in sunglass hinges-Getting cute new bangs cut, then going tanning and realizing you forgot bobby pins to hold them back!-ice in orange juice-Chanel handbags-when people put an "'s" on the end of words that are singular (Ex: "I was at Nordstrom'S the other day...")-mushrooms-chocolate syrup-cucumbers-plastic siding-anything spicy-sticky movie theatre floors-when people manually unlock a single door on automatic car doors-soup spoons-lotion between my toes-white SUVs-rose toned gold-ER waiting rooms-kathy griffeth-walnuts-arrowhead water-panty lines-self parking-crystal light-wingers-old navy tv commercials-dirty fingernails-mayo in anything-eggs

But I do find tremendous delight in:

-Guess stilletos-Michael Kors-Marc Jacobs-The Body Shop-Chanel cosmetics-hydrogen peroxide-kettle corn-snail mail-almonds-hot fudge-peanut butter-smoothly blended guacamole-candy canes-stucco-being the baby spoon!-teaspoons for everything-magenta sunsets of indian summer-garlic stuffed green olives-cruise control-pandora for blackberry-bold white watches-bright colored lingerie-lounging in boyshorts and a cami-the first few coats of a brand new mascara-chelsea handler-pecans-vapor distilled water-nielsen's frozen custard finally taking visa-going commando under white-energy conservation-overindugence in the use of cleaning products-valet parking-clever, witty advertising-blairbands-1000 thread count sheets-buying products that were proudly made in the USA-thunder & lightning-dark, glossy, matte nail polish hues for fall-anticipating the holidays, their celebration, decoration, and accessori-zation! :)

Hope you're all having a great weekend!

xoxo

two hundred fifty two

With increasing age and decreasing visual acuity, why do senior citizens opt for cars which are closer to the size of cruise ships than automobiles? Doesn't it seem like a bad idea to give diminished eyesight more surface area to keep track of??

Hmmm. Interesting...

two hundred fifty one

I've been immensely contemplating career decisions in respect to school classes and planning for the future and have been a wee bit stressed about it. Me- stressed and indecisive?! What?! ;) Yeah, I know, story of my life! Haha

Well I've been doing my research on the different programs and career routes and found myself completely overwhelmed. Its like the more I tried to understand, the more confused I was! Super frustrating, and super worrisome when I think of time just ticking down and graduation deadlines looming and all of that anxiety inducing, imminent death producing dread. I've been praying a lot and trying to plan to the best of my ability, but still felt so uneasy about it all. Its a sucky feeling which prompted many notions of wanting to simply drop out and call it good.

I know that there is more than one path I can take in my life that will lead to success, and happiness, and self actualization, and all other earthly joy imaginable. I'm sure HF would support a number of my options. But it'd be so much easier to receive an solid answer that says "go to PA school" or "do the DNP program" or even "don't finish your BSN because you'll hate getting your doctorate in nursing." But no answer came. I was feeling fairly hopeless and wanting to make no progress for myself so that I could just wait for HF's prompting to knock me in the head in the direction of my perfect destiny. But no such revelation came...

Instead, I made appointments with 4 different advisors in my multiple I'm-a-psycho-who-has-a thousand-majors-but-doesnt-know-what-to-do-with-them departments and prayed lots before going into them, and miracle of all miracles, things are finally beginning to make a slight bit of sense! :) Wanna know the plan of attack? I'm thrilled to have one! I will continue with my psych major next semester and apply for the traditional BSN program in january. I find out if I'm in by the first week of may. If I'm in the program I will start in the fall and graduate with a bachelor of science degree in both psychology and nursing before going on to get my masters in psychiatric nursing or doctorate in acute care. Thankfully I do not need to decide which one yet! If I don't get in to the traditional BSN program I will graduate with my psych degree in the summer and apply for PA school in the fall and get my masters that way.

Things may change, but I can't think about this any more right now. My head feels about to explode. But this seems like a good plan- at least for now! ;)

two hundred fifty

{flat on the floor with my head down low}

to have never tried-

so that you'll never have to deal with the possibility of failure...
some claim its "having the backbone to not run away from responsibilities."
i say it takes having a backbone to actually lead the life you want to live.
and I say it takes even more backbone to go face-to-face with the things you've dreamed of for years but destroyed in the matter of just 60 little minutes.
i'm just not ready yet...

{hiding from the storm till the damage is done}

two hundred forty nine

Maybe I just don't get it,
But what is it about boys that makes them feel so compelled to make all vehicles sound like diesel run busses? Does the excess noise make them feel superior? I'd be personally embarrassed if anything. Explain this to me!

two hundred forty eight

[a post of substance]

i know my posts are often vague. but they say what i need to say and can be applied to whatever i need them for. this one's not so cryptic. it is simply what it is and i'm okay with that.

in order to reestablish a smidgin of accountability in my life, n has me doing a food log in which i need to be signed off by whoever witnesses me eat. it pretty much sucks. but she didn't think i'd be able to do it, so here i am getting my meals signed off on an (almost) daily basis. super embarrassing. especially at work. fml.

i've also been going to group more often- as in making the 40 minute drive like 3 times a week. killer on the gas tank. last night i was sick of making the drive and paying the money that doesn't seem to be giving tangible progress, and thinking of all of the incredible clothes, and shoes, and handbags that could have been enjoyed with all of the dough that's been dumped into treatment of my "condition." the hospitalizations, inpatient treatment, residential treatment, day patient, intensive outpatient, normal outpatient sessions, group therapy, individual therapy, dietary sessions, blah blah blah... so sherla drove me down in order to make sure i went to process group last night and it was surprisingly good to be there. it's good to be around other people who get it, and who are back in forth and just honest in not being 100% committed 100% of the time.

most of the girls in group are struggling to find out why they do the things they do and have these periods of encouragement for change as they are enlightened with the motivation behind their behaviors. it's a pretty rad feeling. i've been there. but i have been in treatment for the past 7 years and know exactly why i do things, but can't quite figure out why i'd still rather do them than risk the anxiety of failure when i try to get better for good and simply can't do it. so i go through the motions and know all the right lines, i have been better and i have most definitely been worse, and now i'm just here. not going forward, but not really going backward. just not going anywhere.

sherla always asks so enthusiastically "was group good tonight?!" and of course i say yes, because all she can do to help is be sure that i actually show up and i don't want her any more frustrated or discouraged with me. the worst thing possible would be for your own mother to give up on you. group really was good so shouldn't things be getting better? but every time i attempt to explain why things are still so hard she kind of shoots a wall up and just says "okay honey, well just keep going to therapy and group." it's kind of weird because i'm so used to being the one who shoots up the wall whenever i don't want to let a conversation in. thanks anyway, mom.

so i guess at this point i'll go to group, show up to see n, and continue to wait for a miracle that will suddenly make recovery seem worth fighting for again.

two hundred forty seven

i lurrrv storms.

for reals.

the dark sky,

cold wind,

thunder,

lightning,

all of it.

it leads to hot chocolate,

classic novels,

comfy sweats,

and snuggling by the fireplace while looking out a large picture window.

all of my favorite things!

happy sunday to all!

two hundred forty six

i love listening to a good rumor

especially when it involves myself

more than anything, i love making those rumors

t.r.u.e.

[itWILLalwaysGETbackTOme]

quiet people are s k e t c h y. i don't buy that "i'm shy" crap. don't come to dinner with us, not say a word, and then fill your dreary therapy sessions with gossip inferred by the conversation joined by everyone BUT you... don't you have enough of your own stuff to work on during those precious 50 minutes?!

wow.

classy.

[iAMsoOVERyou]

two hundred forty five

the highlight of my entire WEEK:

we've all seen the beyonce video for single ladies.

we've seen the drama that all too frequently occurs whenever kanye is invited to an awards show.

we've even enjoyed the SNL spoof featuring the deliciousness that is justin timberlake.

today i was telling my little sibs about the SNL spoof and logged on to pull it up on youtube.

they started telling me about the spoof the saw and showed me this:

not gonna lie, the man can dance! they thought it was so funny, but i was seriously impressed!

then i went to pull up the JT version.

instead, i was equally shocked and disgusted by the hilarity of discovering this little ditty!

you KNOW this guy was serious.

OMG.

go ahead and watch it again.

talk about a guilty pleasure, i have seriously watched it at least a half dozen times!

the best part?

i laugh JUST as hard with each subsequent viewing!

two hundred forty four

"you're not starting over.

the foundation's still there,

perhaps a little cracked,

but definitely still there.

umm, you did burn the house down to the ground though..."

what a gem

two hundred forty three

My concern is in my comfort.
With the way my head whirls every time I stand.
The way my thoughts no longer feel muddled,
But in an instant feel crisp & pristine.
Logically I should probably be alarmed at the ease in which the past has become the present,
But instead I feel calm.
Like I've finally found home again.

two hundred forty two

It's simple-
Just tell me the truth.

I used to live by it
And I need to live that way again.

You know what's so good about the truth?
Everyone knows what it is,
No matter how long they've lived without it.
No one forgets the truth-
They just get better at lying.
So tell me.
Because all I know is what I feel.
And if you can't...

Then I guess there isn't much more to say, is there???

two hundred forty one

I am going to make an effort to post more regularly, because let's be honest, I have lots to say! ;)

First of all,
I still know more than my proffesor and walked out of his lecture today because I could have explained everything about his shotty powerpoint way better than he could even hope to. I was so embarassed for him. Who gave his man a PhD, and can they PLEASE take it back?! It really feels like what I imagine a community college class to be like...

Second,
I'm required to take a nutrition intervention class for my major. I took it online because years of seeing a dietitian and desperately searching for ways to rationalize an eating disorder make me quite the knowledge bank when it comes to the function of macronutrients in the human body. The unexpected part was having to go into a room and get weighed, measured, and analyzed in order to procure my assignments for the course. I kind of freaked out and didn't show up to my first scheduled appointment, but didn't want to fail the class so I went today. It ended up just being 2 grad students in the room conducting the tests, so it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated it being, but the numbers and percentages part still sucked big time. at least there was a hottie doing my blood panels. Apparently I'm an abnormally slow bleeder... He said it was because my hands were so cold, I say he just wanted to hold my hand! ;) totally kidding. I'm just glad to be done with it.

Lastly (for today),
I went to a new primary care doc today (I'm sick of having to drive 45 minutes away every month just to pick up a stupid script) and I really like her! She's young(er), seems to know what she's talking about, and is really nice! At the end of my appointment she mentioned me having my records sent from my old doc, who has been my ED doc since the CFC days... No doubt that stuff will be in there, so I casually said "yeah, okay, well it may say stuff about heart problems and having an eating disorder, but I don't have that stuff any more so just disregard it!" She was chill and was like "that's okay, I have a bunch of ED patients so we can talk about it later." Ummm, sure, whatevvvs! So I peaced out, but it was great. But I like that I liked her. Its hard to find docs that I like. Most of them are scary or mean or don't listen to what I'm trying to say, but she was great. So hooray! :)

two hundred forty

Can someone explain to me why we pay thousands every semester to take class from someone who has no idea what they're talking about?! I mean really. I'm taking this class called drugs & behavior through the psych department. Obviously, we need to understand the basic anatomy of the brain in order to understand how these specific substances affect normal brain functioning, but this professor has no idea what he's talking about and it drives me crazyyyyy! Granted, I recognize that psych majors don't need to understand neuron function to the degree that I do as a nursing student, but that shouldn't mean that its okay to just make up answers to questions the professor doesn't know the answer to! I wanna raise my hand and say "excuse me sir, you seem like a nice guy but I think you're full of it..." Whatevvvs. I just needed to vent a little because academic credit aside, this class feels like a waste of time and I think that's LAME. Here's to getting an easy A this semester!

two hundred thirty nine

I I went to group therapy tonight for the first time in, I don't know, 3 years? I was soooo nervous. I didn't go see N this week so I thought I'd be proactive and go to group instead of doing nothing at all. Especially since its the first week of fall semester and I'm already freaking out (story.of.my.life). Mom was so sweet and drove me down because she knew I wouldn't have gone down if I had to drive down there by myself. So she and L and j came down and just hung out while I went to group. I was sooo anxious but felt a lot better when I saw jen and britta and allison there! I didn't know the therapist facillitating the group but he ended being awesome. I think allison's doing okay, but britta's struggling and I feel bad for not being more of a support for her. She's always been so kind to me. She has lost a visible amount of weight, but not too, too much. It's the saddness in her eyes that show how hard she's been fighting lately. I know that seems silly to say, but it's so true. It's noticeable when someone usually so vibrant suddenly isn't anymore... I'm sad that she's so sad. There were these day patients that were so vocal about the magic of being in recovery and part of me wanted to say "sorry to burst your recovery bubble, but it doesn't actually get any better as the years go on..." Of course, I refrained. I think it's great for them to feel so enthusiastic, but they're in for a rude awakening the first time they fall flat on their faces. The whole point is learning to pick yourself back up. But if you never fall, you have no opportunity to learn. I absolutely remember the days of feeling so excited about recovery. But they're long gone... After years of back and forth and going in circles, it just gets exhausting. Uhhh, good group, huh?

two hundred thirty eight

As much as it sucks to have to manage your time and learn without being face to face with a professor in lecture, I'm quickly coming to the realization that online classes are a god send. No stares as you walk in the room. No uncomfort as you walk past a group of friends in the hall and are walking by alone as they look at you. No awkward urges to make friends with a stranger on the first day of class just so that you don't need to sit alone for the rest of the semester. No false impressions that you're a frigid little snot because you walk in, take copious notes without acknowledging a single person, and then leave as soon as it would be deemed polite to do so.

Yes.

Online classes are the place for me.

Log out.

two hundred thirty seven

I have a great life,
Its truly not bad,
So can someone explain how I can still feel so sad???

two hundred thirty six

I love nordys.
I love the anniversary sale.
I just love shopping.
It sounds cliche,
The muse of pre-teen girls around the world.
But it completes me.
Because when I shop my world gets better.
My world IS better.
And then its when not I know I can go buy something,
Anything-
And suddenly (even for a moment),
The world is okay again.

two hundred thirty five

knowing what you've got. 

knowing what you need. 

knowing what you can do without. 

[inventory control]

two hundred thirty four

take a look at yourself in a mirror.

who do you see looking back?

is it the person you want to be?

or is there someone else you were meant to be,

but fell short of?

is there someone telling you that you can't?

or that you won't?

because you can.

and i believe that.

i believe that love is out there.

somewhere.

i believe that sometimes happiness doesn't come from money,

or from fame,

or from power.

i believe that sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family,

and even from the quiet nobility of simply living a good life.

so take a look into that mirror and remind yourself to be happy.

because you deserve that.

and believe that dreams come true every single day.

because they do.

two hundred thirty three

There comes a time in every child's life when they reach the inevitable conclusion that their parents may potentially be even more screwed up than they are...

And as disturbing as this realization is,
I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of the notion that one day my kids may be thinking the exact same thing about me...

And perhaps they too, will discover they're right...

two hundred thirty two

Ever wondered how many anorexic nurses work at the u? Probably not...

But if you were to ever find yourself curious, just take a peek at how many svelte girls are walking up and down 6 flights of stairs during their lunch break...

Interesting indeed...

two hundred thirty one

and in classic alana fashion,

i show up 45 minutes late to my last final,

finish the exam with another 20 minutes on the clock,

and promptly head home-

thrilled that i now have justifiable time

to reorganize my bookshelf,

vacuum every dusty bunny from the corners they sought to occupy,

and do the inconceivably massive amount of laundry that has accumulated throughout the course of an entire semester of not having time to wash my dirty clothes.

my linen closet door can now close without piles of color coordinated filth spilling out

and i am thrilled!

not just about the abundance of clean clothes,

some of which i had forgotten i owned,

but also about the fact that the sun is shining and

i actually have enough time to enjoy it

without having to pry my face away from a textbook!  

hooray for summer!

:)

two hundred thirty

make a wish and place it in your heart.

anything you want.

and everything you want.

do you have it?

good.

now believe it can come true.

you never know where the next miracle is going to come from.

the next smile.

the next wish come true.

but if you believe that its right around the corner,

you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it,

to the certainty of it,

you might just get the thing you're wishing for.

the world is full of magic,

you just need to believe in it.

so make your wish.

do you have it?

good.

now believe in it.

with all your heart.

two hundred twenty nine

"What big eyes you have," said little red riding hood to her grandmother. "The better to see you with," said grandmother as she lay in her bed.

"What big sunglasses you have," they say to me. "The better to hide from you with," is my reply as I slowly disappear from this world.

Doing it in style.
And looking looking doing it.

two hundred twenty eight

a little update on my life:

i'm still sick of school.  this is inevitably what happens when i attempt to study.

i'm less physically sick than last week.

thank god.

in between my naps nick and i just played our guitars.  good times.

i'm still in love with the fox boys.

cute as ever, and getting bigger every day!!!

i want them to stay little, for even just a little longer!

i went to rascal flatts with anna last week.

i'll love them till the day i die!

i cried when they played Stand.  i think i always will.  anna said she thinks of me every time she 

hears it play, and that made me cry even harder!

we like it, 

we love it, 

we want some more of it!!!

(yeah i know that's tim, but country love is country love, right?!)

two hundred twenty seven

to find personal truths through the secrets of strangers...

i just can't get enough.

two hundred twenty six

its yucky weather today.  and i love it.

here are some other things i love:

- spending quality time with the little bro

-chilling with rockstar, yes, she will ALWAYS top my list!

-getting together with friends you haven't seen in a while and realizing that some relationships will never change.

-the goo goo dolls

-adele's new cd

-doing well on a dreaded anatomy exam

-getting enough sleep

-staying warm when its cold outside

-pink blackberrys

-snugging with cute boys

-hanging out with my siblings and not wanting to be anywhere out in the world

have a fabulous day!  :)

two hundred twenty five

it was the world's best friday the 13th!

it's 6:30 am on friday, feburary 13, 2009 and i get a call from alisa.  her water broke and she couldn't get ahold of her mom.  i went straight up to watch alexander and jaxon and we could barely contain our excitement!  they were so stoked to have a new baby in their family!  the hardest part was keeping them distracted until mom delivered!  all they wanted to do was go see "their baby" at the hospital.  it was adorable!

to pass the time we hung out at home and played for a while, ran some errands, and hit up starbucks for "milkshakes."  we even stopped by sherla's house to play for a bit with rockstar and oakley!  they were thrilled to see the boys!  we were eating lunch on the train at shivers when jason finally called to say that baby fox had arrived!

introducing dayne xavier fox.  19.25 inches, and just 6 pounds, 4 ounces!  he is so little, but just perfect!!!  the boys and i jumped back in the car so that they could finally meet their baby brother.  they were so cute and were able to give baby d his first bath!  

i had to work that afternoon but was lucky enough to be working just one floor up in the same hospital!  i delighted in stopping in throughout the day and after my shift to spend some time with the fox family.  congrats on their new addition!  what a perfect little family!

two hundred twenty four

dear meg,

if i was invisible,

i would just watch you in your room!

hahaha

dear _____,

something always brings me back to you.

it never takes too long.

no matter what i say or do,

i still feel you here

till the moment i'm gone.

i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity,

but you're on to me-

and all over me.

dear everyone else,

i'm totally a zombie today.

i'm blogging in class in order to attempt staying awake after working a killer grave shift.

i got everything done and the charge nurse told me to go take a nap at 5am,

so i did.

too bad she forgot to wake me up and a patient's family was sent back to the room to find me sleeping in their bed!

i was seriously SO embarrassed.

and startled, and insanely disoriented.

but mainly just really embarassed.

so i was stoked to get outta there

assoonaspossible

yikes.

in other news, 

i had to get a restraining order against a crazy man who wouldn't leave me alone.

super fun.

not.

icky.

boys are bad news.

except for the fox boys.

alex, jax, and xavier to the rescue!

i heart them.

in even better news,

i went bowling with the fox familia and rob,

and my dad and my sisters came too

and it was uber fun!

i am definitely not a bowler by any stretch of the imagination,

but i bowled a 141!

bom chicka wah wah!

and yes, 

the bumpers WERE on.

:)

you know you love me!

xoxo

two hundred twenty three

since interest rates are so low, a few months ago i refi-ed my car.

when the original loan was paid off i apparently i sent in a little too much, so i received this nifty cool check in the mail...

preeeetttty sure it cost them more to print and mail me the check than the amount the check is actually good for!

i'm blown away and naturally needed to snap a pic!  

hahahahahahahahaha

two hundred twenty two

Its funny how just when you need it, you are reminded of exactly what you've known all along-

"That sometimes in life you're gonna fall,
Lose your grip,
Trip and fall.
When you can't lean on no one else,
That's when you find yourself.
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walking's easy when the road is flat
But dang those hills'll get you every time.
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we can learn how to CLIMB."

Strength for the climb 2oo4,
And going the distance,
And one step at a time.

And regardless of the outcome,
You do what you can do,
And in the end that's all that's asked of you.

two hundred twenty one

Let the breakdown continue.
He's a jerk.
I'm a baby.
I finally cracked and called her.
She said she was thrilled.
She said she wasn't disappointed.
And I finally started to cry.
Like 3 big crocodile tears,
But lots of sniffles,
And head nods,
And "okay"s.
And I felt a little better.
And it had nothing to do with the fact that I'd just bought a pair of $300 boots.
But I'm still exhausted.
And frustrated.
And sad.
And I hate that.
But at least I'm willing to admit it.
This time...

two hundred twenty

so she says she doesn't understand why i don't understand,

because apparently i understand it all a little too well...

i just can't won't take a step.

i'm frustrated.

(she's frustrated.)

she brings up the term

"mentally masturbating"

and it makes me mad.

because what does that even mean???!!!

then she dares to mention

BPD

and it makes me furious.

so upset in fact that i spit out the truth.

i almost start to cry.

and she calls it a breakthrough.

what do i do?

...shut down...

ever so naturally.

because i'm sick of working in circles.

sick of wondering why i lack the motivation to act,

opposed to torturing myself with the cyclical analysis of it all.

at the end she casually says

thank you for your honesty

and tells me to

embrace my weaknesses.

she has no idea how piercing that honesty feels as it courses out of me

as unfiltered as it was in that impulsive instant of pure truth.

i feel bad that i've cracked.

that she's seen that i'm broken.

and that the facade can never be resurrected.

she tells me to come back next week-

i say i'll see her in like, a month, maybe.

she says to call if i need anything.

and i simply smile as i

walk.out.the.door

because i'm bored, and stuck, and exhausted.

and i really just need a diet coke

and a few other things

and a break from it all.

two hundred nineteen

Its me again, be excited! :) well team, life's been good. Busy and sleep deprived as usual, but good. And I can't complain. And I feel grateful. What I'm not grateful for is the fact that I've spent over $400 US dollars on textbooks for just one of my multiple classes for this upcoming semester. Remember how I'm a poor starving college student?! Okay so the starving part doesn't apply as much anymore, but the poor college student part is totally applicable! I am getting totally ripped off here! And yet I pay it. Because I'm a pleaser to the system, because its cheaper to buy the books in the first place than have to retake the class later, because all I want to do is get my freaking degree and be done with escuela! I took last semester off and I loved it, but all of a sudden spring 09 is commencing at 8:30 am on monday morning and I'm panicking already! School is so stressful and I hate that! But I don't want to keep delaying it either. So I'm going to suck it up, try my best, and call it good (This vote of confidence brought to you by the lovely creators of ativan). Wish me luck!
Xoxo

two hundred eighteen

Hi friends.

Just a quick update, I survived the last hour of church yesterday (barely) and ended up having a pleasant afternoon/evening with the familia.

Also, get well soon wishes to loni, my dear little sickie who deserves every bit of tlc the boy bestows on her! Especially becuase she is the very one who has taught him to be such a good bf! So cute. Defy gravity meeks, in more ways than one (you know what I'm saying)!

Welcome back whitters! You thought you were getting away from the arctic tundra huh?! Surprise! Haha rr soonsies?

Loves to you all!

two hundred seventeen

So I make this goal to be happy and balanced in my life. And I wake up this morning, happy and content with the sun shining and rockstar snugging on my pillow, and jenna makes us brunch, and I hang out with my uber adorable sibs, and I feel prompted to go to church. Weird, but fine. Nothing's ever easy with my family so of course we show up 20 minutes late (better late than never, right?) And of course there is no where to sit except for the very FRONT row. And of course my heart starts pounding and I think I should just turn around and go home instead of walking through a packed chapel full of people I don't know. And of course my madre proceeds to walk right down the middle of the chapel with my family in tow. At this point I really don't have an option but to follow, so I do. But of course I'm terrified becuase I'm convinced that everyone is staring in horror at how big my ass is and how un-washboard like my abs have become under my banana republic sweater. So the meeting ends and I slip out before feeling obligated to make eye contact with anyone and end up following my sibs to their new primary classes for 2009. And sherla stops to observe all of our kids classes and insists on questioning the answers of any primary leader trying to giving direction to the unruly bunch of hellions. At the end of it all I politely ask if we could just sit in the back for sunday school and fly under the radar becuase I'm feeling so anxious and she rolls her eyes and tells me I'm being ridiculous. Understanding and supportive as always, right? And so we go to our adult class and of course by the time we get there (after micromanaging the primary) the only seats left are in the very front again. I said I couldn't walk through a whole congregation of strangers again and so she just STANDS in the doorway drawing attention to us as she attempts to come up with a plan of action. She finally suggests that we just stand in the back since I don't want to have to walk to the front. That's gotta be the worst plan ever! So I am now just sitting on a couch in the foyer waiting for it to finish because I've convinced myself that I will somehow sit in this church for the whole 3 hour block. Sherla is sitting next to me, resenting the fact that I have now made HER self conscious of walking to the front when there is no reason for that and she says I shouldn't feel that way. And I feel like a jerk. And I have no desire to smile or mingle or introduce myself to my parents new ward members. And I'm sure it looks like I'm just a total bitch but I really don't care right now. I still have another hour to go. And all I want to do is run away. To anywhere, anywhere but here.

two hundred sixteen

I can't believe its 2009 already. Where did 'o8 go?! I ended up having a low key but fantastically satisfying new years eve. The morning after I thought to myself of how dorky I must be to choose to spend my night at home with my little sister while everyone else was out being crazy. But then I realized why this chill, uneventful evening was so appealing to me. I'm exhausted by the cumulative consequences of a lifetime of hasty choices and chaotic passions, often from passions for chaos itself. And its silly. And I set a resolution, to find more enjoyment, and peace, and balance in my life. To take the time for a pedi, or to get a massage. To feel no guilt for taking care of my body, and my mind, and my soul. And to indulge in things that truly make me happy. Becuase life's too short not to.

Happy 2009 to each and everyone of you!

Kalos kai agathos
xoxo