one hundred ten

i'm not gonna lie,
and i won't make a fuss,
but i've come down with
quite the case
of wanderlust.

one hundred nine

straight out of a fairy tale:

its christmas eve,
snow flittering down from the midnight sky,
that soft creamy blue streaked with a coat of grey.
the air's crisp and sweet like a peppermint kiss
and although usually convulsing with shivers galore,
i am perfectly warm when wrapped in his arms.
i know i'm steadily falling more and more
with every active thought attempting to convince myself otherwise,
but getting lost in those green eyes,
fingers laced within eachother,
he nuzzles in to smell my hair.
as a single snowflake lands on my nose,
he grazes my lips
and gives me the cutest,
most perfect single kiss
of my life.

[merry.christmas.indeed!]

one hundred eight

i could write a song about every little thing that goes wrong,
and i could write a song about every time that i fall.
but today i choose to forget it all-
i'm grateful for this day that i have to live
and for my health and for each breath i have to take in.
i'm grateful,
yeah i'm thankful,
and i'm grateful.
some days i'm not so great,
and nothing seems to go my way,
then i remember,
i remember,
that i have no right to complain,
it'd be a foolish thing to say
cuz i've been blessed.
and i'm grateful.
i'm grateful for the freedom that my country brings
and for the choice i have to sing what i want to sing.
i'm grateful for these worn out shoes that i wear
and i'm thankful cuz at least i have a pair.
and i'm grateful for the struggles in my life that i've had,
cuz its times like these that make me who i am.
i'm grateful,
yeah i'm thankful,
and i'm grateful.
-bianca merkley

one hundred seven

everyone who knows me knows that i am all for using made up otomatopia-esque and flippantly abreviated words. i am actually very amused and intruigued to hear people throw their own made up words into convos due to the fact that they seem to perfectly describe whatever they are trying to talk about. however, i have truly been in a fit of giggles tonight after seeing the term "frigtard" show up as a noun in brie's comment on whit's latest post! what the?! haha wow. its not my style, but very creative, and so very brie! therefore i love it! :) peace out homies!

one hundred six

jax and i stayed home and played while alisa took alexander to school for a few hours and as you can see, he is an absolute doll! really, could this kid be any cuter?! :)

one hundred five

i've decided that i need a break.
any one have some extras they'd like to pass my way?
no, but for real!

here's a little update:
-today i cut my hair.
-i met with alice and had the first productive session in who knows how long.
-i've been told to reconsider going back to nicole and am so confused.
-apparently seeing melissa today went great...
-she told me to go get a massage.
-but by the end of the theraputic day i've never felt more detached, apathetic, or impassive in my life.
-all that i know is that i'm sick of it all.

to be perfectly honest here-
honestly, i'm just a bit worn out.
honestly, i don't have a single drug in my system.
honestly, i haven't been drinking.
(although honestly, a bit of water from time to time would probably help)
honestly, i'm not being too reckless, too impulsive, or too unmeditative.
honestly, i'm not suicidal.
because honestly,
i'm not one to give up.

but i am going to take a break. really, i'm just going to take some space. i'm totally still around so don't worry, but i'm done with the whole group thing for a while. no more IOP, no more myspace, facebook, cfc alumni board, any of it. i'll still post on here so if you really want to know what's going on feel free to stop by. otherwise, here's your heads up. don't feel neglected, or abandoned, or forgotten, and for goodness' sake, PLEASE don't feel offended by my lack of communication. don't worry your pretty little head. don't wonder where i am. i'm sure at some point i'll resurface, and hopefully things will be better!

ciao bellas...

one hundred four

12:04
for blue skies...
lips chapped,
skin tight,
fingers thoroughly numb.
those cracks in sidewalks,
running away from the streets i know.
pounding, pounding,
blinked away
alongside every exhale.
ipod fully loaded,
literally running in circles
but disappearing for hours
even if only in my mind.

[i'm not missing you at all]

one hundred three

[quote of the day]

i forced my family to be festive and get a christmas tree tonight. upon having the tree continue to topple as my dad continuously rearranged the tree in its stand, he suddenly stood back, looked at the tree for the hundredth time within a minute and proclaimed, "Hmm...this thing's frickin' weird!"

haha i love him!!!

one hundred two

good news:
i am officially done with fall semester 2007!

cheeyeah baby!!! i can honestly say that i wasn't sure if this semester would ever come to an end. honestly, there were a few moments that i thought it would all be the end of me! but it feel so freaking fantastic to be finished!!! here's to a fabulous break, fun times with friends, and lots and lots of christmas shopping!!!

have a great night! :)

one hundred one

again.
same old story
but today 3 up.
why?
i must be a glutton for punishment
because there's no escape to be found.
the screaming
over and over.
again.
same lines.
same excuses.
same threats.
just follow through for once.
dripping wet hair.
water now cold as ice.
but it still doesn't stop.
so i get out,
blast some music,
to get on with my day.
i let it slide,
just brush it off,
but i know its with me for the rest of my day.
again.

one hundred

the only thing harder
than looking perfect
is the effort required
to look flawlessly
"thrown together."

ninety nine

i know i just posted a poem, but things are on my mind so i figured i should just write about them... so i've kinda been having a hard time with some things, but don't want to be, since its christmas time and chanukah time and kwanza time! anyway, i finally dragged my butt out of my house and went out with two of my besties last night and felt so much better! i am so grateful to have them in my life! it makes me sad to read other friend's blogs and such and hear that they are having a hard time dealing with life too, its all just kinda depressing! so back to last night... we went shopping, hit costco, to dinner, and just chilled and it was SO great! we ended up watching Crash, which i still hadn't seen and as much as i know it was meant to open our eyes to the disgusting episodes of prejudice, racial profiling, and ethnocentrism that is still so rampant today, it made me sick to watch it! it made me wonder if our world is really becoming as bad a place as these movies portray. that someone will gun you don't if they take your joke the wrong way, that a woman only assumes you are a gang banger and are going to sell her out to your gang banger buddies, that a man is willing to show up and try to kill you over someone else breaking into his store. these things happen so frequently that it doesn't even phase us, and i think that's what scares me the most. i honestly do not understand why we can't all just respect each other, agree to disagree on our differences and just get along!!! the world is going to hell at this rate, and i don't want to be a part of that! i feel so vulnerable and i hate it. this game sucks... i quit!

ninety eight

if i could,
now'd be the time.
but i gave my word
so it'd better shine.
autonomous but seeming
to go hand in hand,
its pointless to argue
this deviation in plan.
one vote for,
but so many against
i try not to realize
that the stakes are intense.
prodding eyes knowing,
that all encompassing grin,
to supress for an instant
before you know what's within.
that foretale zing,
so-called magic potions,
ingnoring the fact
it will lead to explosion.
is that what this is really about?
walking that line
till my wick has burned out?
experience is a killer,
to live with or without...
i can't make up my mind
but don't blow me out.
don't think you know
more than i do.
you think you know the real me-
but i act this way for you.
a facade or becoming?
is that who i will be?
as detatched as i feel,
its still up to me.
so what would YOU choose?
REALLY commit?
tell me when
instead of living this life
waiting for it to end.

ninety seven

get.
out.
my space.
my deal.
leave me alone.
call me selfish-
but stop messing with my head!
everytime i think i've gotten over you
you apparate once more
engulfing my mind, my desires, my soul.
you become a pseudo passion
with which i simultaneously
yet desperately,
fuse and despise.
quirky,
kinky,
twisted,
i know.
priorities shattered like stemware
on a hard wood floor.
denial and guilt
cuz i've been here so many times before.
will i learn?
am i done?
the thrill is still there.
and that terrifies me.
these seconds i'm shaking
leave me
shuddering
for days.

ninety six

it is absolutely amazing how much better i feel after actually getting a decent night's sleep! i have just 3 classes, 2 study sessions, and 3 finals to go and then i'm done for fall 2007. heck yes. last night i finally said screw it and slept for more than 4 or 5 hours, took a nice lonnnnngggg shower, and actually got dressed for the first time in weeks as i listened to keith urban's greatest hits cd. it's a winner- let me know if you need a copy. so i'm going to do a bit more studying before hitting my 10:45 bio class and it feels good to not be so scatterbrained and frenzied! yay!

i was reading brie's blog about feeling like she's going through her days just waiting to die and therefore never really living, and it made me start to think about my life. i thought of the line dumbledore says in the first harry potter movie (yeah, i know that's totally dorky, but oh well!) when he tells harry that "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." how true is that! i'm always planning for this and that. trying to put the present on pause in order to adaquately prepare for the future. aspiring to plan, and do, and look back on perfection. but dude, it just doesn't work like that!

as much as i feel like i'm falling apart at times, i pretty much have things together in my life. and i have a great life at that! i have a family that loves me, the best dog in the world, the most amazing best friends i could have ever hoped for(even though everyone's spread all over the place from cali to vegas and as far as florida at times!), i love my job, i'm in school to do something that i love, i have enough money to cover my car payment(most months!), and for the most part i'm happy. i'm obviously not perfect- no one is- so what more could i ask for in my life? well, i could ask for a 2008 SC 430 to be sitting in my driveway from my ridiculously hot billionare husband that's desperately in love with me, but i'm trying to be realistic here :)

so i'm setting a new goal to live in the moment. to live for today, not in anticipation of the future. to not live with so much guilt. so what if i maxed out my nordstrom card? i love the stuff i got, right?! so what if i'm blogging instead of studying my brains out for my vocab test that's in an hour? its an optional test, why would i want to take it?!

okay well i'm going to study a just a little bit, so i'm out, but i hope whoever's reading this has a fabulous day!

ninety five

you know how people complain of writer's block?
i think i just have block-
like an all around life block.
really its just like an emotional block
in combination with writer's block, student's block, daughter's block, sister's block, friend's block, etc...
pretty much anything block-ish.
i know i'm just stressed with finals,
but it's like everything i do and say comes through this little screened filter before i am able to proceed with it.
and everything big, everything small, and everything in between has clogged it up.
i can't even think anymore
i feel paralyzed.
like an auto pilot that can't be turned off
so you just hope and pray it doesn't decide to crash.
i miss people but can never say it.
not in a serious way at least.
but i miss her.
a lot.
things are different and that's freaking me out!
remember how i'm totally NOT falling apart?!
okay good! haha
i find it intriguing how my mind is spinning so fast i can't keep up enough to form a complete strand of thought.
it's like i'm on speed-
but don't worry, i'm not.
i'm exhausted.
i'm out.
ciao.

ps...happy channukah!
(not a fan of matzo ball soup)

ninety four

im pretty sure the insomnia is just getting worse
as the apprehension builds in knowing i need to be up in a few hours.

i'm telling ya-
depression is going around like the flu
and so i'm wondering where to get vaccinated?

my head is spinning...
am i really going to show up to see alice tomorrow?
why? what will i say?
i'm so sick of the drive,
all alone in my head.
if melissa asks too many questions i may just have a meltdown
but as much as that scares me
it'd be such a relief.

where is all this disatisfaction coming from?
i'm a happy person.
i'm a happy person.
i'm a happy person.
rinse and repeat.

it was my choice-
i think i said the right words
i keep looking down to see if i'm bleeding
i didn't realize it was possible
to rip out your own heart.

i really AM a happy person!
.rinse.and.repeat.

ninety three

i love days like today-
snug and warm inside,
watching the snow flakes fall,
reading a good book,
resigned to lounge for the remainder of the day.
i'm a fan of hot apple cider,
of plesantly scented aromas diffusing out of candles
and into the surrounding air,
red flannel pjs-
reindeer printed in white,
and for just an instant in time,
not a worry in sight.

what is it about the holidays that automatically put me in a good mood? if anyone figures it out and finds a way to bottle it, please let me know where to place my order! :)

ninety two

don't sneeze.
don't cough.
as a matter of fact...
would you just not breathe?
don't shake my hand,
don't touch me please.
count to ten-
nod your head.
freaking out,
i know its strange
i just can't make it stop.

i'll.hold.my.breath

obviously my ocd is a bit crazy today.
pass the purell or something.

ninety one

the first snow of the season hit harder than i would have liked.
good thing my pops insisted i get snow tires put on TODAY, huh?!
he still ended up driving me to class because even in a top rated SUV we were sliding down the hill and i was freaking out!
i've come a long way but sometimes i still wonder if i will ever overcome certain things, anxiety being one of them.
anyway, it's oakley's first snow and she loved it! half the time she was running so fast she just looked like a blur! she was just shivering uncontrollably after 10 minutes in it, but still didn't want to come inside!


of course jenna is already making snowballs and planning to ambush logan with them on their walk home from school!


hooray for playing in the snow! :)

ninety

today i'm thinking...
-there is absolutely no way i am going to get my paper AND 70 pages of biology read tonight, so why stress out by attmepting it?
-alisa needs to come home cuz i miss the boys too too much and am craving a hot fudge malted concrete but have no one to go with.
-i need to work on the concept of intuitive peeing because as i sit here typing away i feel the urge to pee my pants.
-way too many people have suddenly started asking me if i'd ever work want to work at brighton again and its making me consider applying- especially now that i know who the directors and PDs are!
-my dad is such a sweetheart for getting christmas lights and putting them up all on the out side of my house in the dark, just for them to not work and to find out that they aren't the right ones. he only let out one curse word as his fingers were numb from the cold, unable to figure it out, and i thought it was hilarious! my famiy isn't very festive in the first place, and it just makes me so happy that he was willing to go through such a hassle for me!
-could i be any more excited for the holidays?! i mean really- could i?!
-i bought a pink christmas tree for my room, and it has pink lights and everything, and i love love loveeee it!!!
-i finally decided with my mom last night that i wasn't going to work at nordy's next month and then my boss called today to say he had my schedule ready and damn it, i said okay!
-extra crunchy apples are the only kind i'll eat, therefore there is a perfectly sanitary but wrapped up half of a semi crunchy apple in the fridge.
-melissa taylor is really good for me, but i totally miss nicole.
-i think i should get a cute new boy friend for the holidays. cute dates with christmas lights, kissing in the snow and another reason to buy presents sounds fantastic!!!!
-i am so ready for the semester to be done it is out of control and unfortunately its causing me to not want to go to the last two weeks of classes...oops.
-i'm super excited for customer rewards night and pretty much already know most of the stuff i wanna buy! hooray!
-i go through about 1 pink highlighter every week and i interpret that to mean that i am required to read too much for classes.
-i want to make a video blog and post it on youtube, but before i do, maybe i will try posting it here... one day!
-okay, i feel bad for not studying.

peace out yo!

eighty nine

a string of lights here,
some tinsel there,
the ornaments all begin making their holiday debut.
and little by little,
seemingly quiet neighborhoods
start to show hints of Times Square.
cheer gathers steam,
and there's very little
that can stop the festive momentum.
smiles outshine trees,
jingles prompt a choir of commuters,
and even the scroog-iest citizens
look forward to a rousing cup of egg nog
with their fellow merrymakers.

i don't like egg nog in the slightest,
but thought it sounded more whimsically romantic than anything else! haha
anyone in for some holiday shopping?! :)

eighty eight

so i spent black friday shopping, chilling, and making some blocks! i love it! laura wanted hers to say SUPER(star) and they turned out so cute! she loves them and i figured i'd post them! logan's say LAX (its short for lacrosse) 4 LIFE cuz he is such a good lacrosse player it is insane! hooray for theraputic crafts! haha! and now...back to the reality of a weekend of studying! love you all!

eighty seven

first of all-
happy thanksgiving!!!
yeah, i know its 1:00 am and therefore feels more like wednesday night than thursday morning, but nevertheless i felt the need to address the present holiday!

i've been reflecting on all of the things i'm grateful for in my life and i am just astounded at how richly my life has been blessed. there is truly not a single area of my life that i don't think has been fostered by the love and care of my heavenly father, and that is the greatest blessing of all. i have a darling family, parents that would do anything for me, the best friends in the world, the opportunity for a great education that will eventually enable me to help make a difference in the lives of those around me, a darling dog, an absolutely rewarding and enjoyable job, and more than just the necessities of material posessions in life. i am not by any means saying that life is perfect, but i am happy to give thanks for the fact that everything could be a WHOLE LOT worse!

i, for the most part, am an optimistic, joyful, and happy person. i know that a lot of that is due to the contentment i feel due to the blessings of interactions and support of friends in my life. i want them to know that each one of them really have made a difference in my life and that each example of generosity, love, and compassion has molded me day by day into the best person i know how to be. thank you thank you thank you!

as i continued to ponder (wow, that's such a CB word!) about these friendships that continue to enrich my life, i thought about what makes a relationship grow, what causes that shift between an aquaintance that casually walks into, then out of your life, and what cements those friendships into ones that you will truly cherish forever?

my conclusion is that it boils down to trust. trust of knowing you won't be judged, trusting that disappointment or anger won't be the result of your pure honesty, trust in the fact that they really are just looking out for you- no matter how bluntly it comes across. trust that they won't leave you, trust that regardless of your actions you will still be loved, trust that sharing painful pasts won't be construed into haunting ghosts in your future, and trust that once your walls come down that they will not take advantage of your vulnerability.

trust is an active process of seeking and building, and i think the gateway to that process is through the act of love. to love someone enough to listen to them, to spend time with them, to desire to know who they are inside, regardless of the facade they show to the world, and to truly accept them for who they are is to love them. no judgements, no grudges, no holding back.

so i guess what i'm thinking is that i want to really know YOU. i know that you're fun (or we probably wouldn't be friends and you probably wouldn't have my blog address!) but i want to know MORE about you, the REAL you.

so my loves, if you're down with it-
tell me:
-something personal about you that i may not already know
-something that worries or scares you
-where do you see yourself in ten years?
-realistically, where do you WANT to see yourself in ten years?
-who is a tv/movie character that you truly feel like describes you/your life/your relationships in the world
-is there any way you see to make our relationship better?

okay well i am going to try to get some sleep and snuggle up with my little rockstar!!
i love you all from the bottom of my heart!

ps...feel free to email me your answers if that's easier for you than posting them as a comment- lanagirl87@yahoo.com

eighty six

i got tagged by loni k, so...
The Rules
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
3. Do it. ;)

5 THINGS I WAS DOING 10 YEARS AGO:
1. on student council at lehua
2. running track, playing bball & volleyball
3. helping mom take care of baby logan
4. went to camp timberline
5. the best tree climber EVER!

5 THINGS ON MY TO-DO LIST TODAY:
1. study biology
2. play with alexander and jax
3. go to my math review
4. go tanning
5. play with roxy

5 SNACKS I ENJOY:
1. cupcake with rainbow chip frosting
2. craisans
3. 5/7/12/200 layer dip
4. chocolate malt
5. carrots and ranch

5 THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE A BILLIONAIRE:
1. buy a house
2. travel with friends
3. found a charity
4. go shopping
5. shop some more! :)

3 OF MY BAD HABITS:
1. sometimes i'm not assertive enough
2. loooong showers
3. picking at split ends

5 PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
1. pearl city, hawaii
2. salt lake city, utah
3. 1790 n. state st, orem, utah
4. provo, utah
5. pretty much in bountiful, utah right now

5 JOBS I'VE HAD:
1. alex and jaxon's nanny
2. sales in the rail @ nordy's
3. KD @ brighton girls camp
4. teacher/secretary/everything in between @ elite dance
5. i don't think i've had any other jobs! sad! haha

5 THINGS PEOPLE PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME:
1. my teeth went through my lip when i wiggled out of my stroller at age 3 and i still have the scar from it
2. i'm stoked for one tree hill to start this season
3. shirley temple was my idol growing up
4. i'm actually kinda dreading going back to the rail next month
5. i totally love surveys and stuff like this! i'm a dork! haha

5 PEOPLE TAGGED
1. rachel
2. ash
3. brooke
4. ducky
5. whit

eighty five

my body is his weakness
but his eyes are mine.
why is he such a downfall for me?

remember how i'm not just for dessert?!
i wish he would make up his mind.
i say that it doesn't matter,
but if he truly didn't matter
i wouldn't still be
thinking.about.him

i wish i could just chill,
so i play it cool even though
in my head i'm going crazy.
i used to think the only time i could breathe
was when i was with him,
but really i just can't find the words to say-
that when i'm in his arms i can't breathe at all.

it feels so fake sometimes,
like part of a dream,
simultaneously loving the moment
but screaming to wake up.
a jolt, that rush, playing with fire.
maybe regardless of him i just
live for the thrill.

i hate the vulnerability of the whole game
i'm not willing to let him in,
so why go through the motions?
i don't want to play anymore,
i'm too tangled in all the rules.

in too deep, i'm addicted.
it's funny how i seem in a constant
battle to trade one for the other,
and yet i say i don't want one at all.

maybe i'm the one that needs to make up my mind,
his input would absolutely tip the scales.

maybe if i could find my voice-
maybe if i could mean what i say-
maybe if i could take that risk-
maybe if i could catch my breath...

isn't this how its all supposed to go down??

eighty four

my friends are hilarious.
they are the kind of girls
who would rush over if my house was on fire-
to roast s'mores and flirt with the firemen!
i just laugh cuz i'd do the same thing!

eighty three

eighty two

every day of our lives is a gift, and to me gifts and celebration go hand in hand. so i have decided to make every day a celebration of some attribute of my life.

to discover that i AM the one i've been waiting for.

[celebrate self-reliance]

eighty one

whoa, two posts in one day. i must be reallllyyy bored. the ironic thing is that i am insanely busy. i think posting helps me to relax. anyway, it has been suggested that i start journalling again. apparently i have a hard time expressing myself. who would have guessed?! so i went out to a darling boutique called posh frippery and bought this adorable book full of affirmations about being a woman in the world and being okay with who you are. as soon as i saw it i thought it would be a rad journal so i'm actually really excited to start it. maybe i'll start posting some of my favorite quotes... we'll see how things go...

eighty

its how i feel,
read my lips,
i'm so over it.

seventy nine

boys make me crazy.
i just want to put that out there!
like when a guy goes out of town and doesn't call you to say he's back.
or when he finally calls to say he's going out with his ex-girlfriend on halloween and hopes you have a fun night.
lame!
how about all the cute boys in your classes that you won't even make eye contact with?
and the fact that even if you wanted to make friends with them, they are usually already busy chatting with some other cute girl.
it's been observed that i don't easily let people into my "inner circle."
of course i have yet to meet a boy worthy of inclusion.
i love how i act like its a privilege for them to know what's truly going on with me,
when its really just that i'm afraid they will knock down my walls, leaving me vulnerable to the world.
is it really so bad to keep everything inside if you have the tools to process with?
is there really a benefit to letting people in?
emotional isolation may keep me cut off from truly intimate relationships,
but it also keeps me safe.

[chalk it up to insecurity]

seventy eight

i can't help but try to find a little perspective in my life.

i'm sitting stressing over the communications paper thats due in like a half hour (of course i've yet to start it), but then i think about people like mitch's 4 year old boy who suddenly doesn't have his daddy anymore. is my dumb paper really that big of a deal in life?

mitch sieverts died thursday of an "accidental overdose." i'm not really sure what to think about it all so i tried to not think about it at all. obviously that doesn't work too well. the term accidental OD is given to anything that's not a known or suspected suicide and it casts people in a bad light. i know mitch was all about having a good time, and a little reckless at times, but i know that he had a good heart. i know he dreamed of going back to the temple. i know that he adored his son. i know that he LOVED just to be living every single day. i'm sad, but at the same time i'm kinda mad at him. to party it up is just fine, but when you have kids you have an added responsibility to stay alive to take care of them. how are they going to explain to a 4 year old that daddy got a little too loaded one night and just didn't wake up?!

i'm so relieved that i wouldn't help him out with any more of the ativan that he "needed just until seeing the doctor later in the week." i would feel responsible and in part, i would be. i don't think i could handle that. so thank god nicole made me do another contract and included no more selling meds. i don't know what i was thinking. i genuinely thought that he needed them. i feel bad that in the weeks leading up to his death he kept calling and saying that he needed someone to talk to and that i would just ignore his messages and not return his calls. i know he was a good guy, i definitely don't think i'm any better than him. i just thought it would be best to distance myself from him. i was sick of getting caught up in all the crap. i'd like to say that i hope he knew that i loved him as a person, but i know that he didn't know. he thought i looked down on him and hated him, and that sucks.

it's all just made me think of how recklessly we live our lives. how many times do we pop a pill that we may or may not actually need, because psychologically we associate that pill with "feeling better?" i didn't realize how many people actually die from the wrong combo of meds in their system at a given time. to take a week's worth of high ephedra diet pills in one sitting so that i can wake up in the morning may leave me a little sick, but it certainly can't kill me, right? wrong. why the hell do we think we are so invincible? cliche, i know, but life truly is a gift and i need to remember that every day of my life.

rest in peace mitch...

seventy seven

trial and error
has led me to find
i can see best
when i

.close.my.eyes.

seventy six

playing hide and seek.
yes we are stuffed under the bathroom sink,
but no, i have no idea why i have a wooden hanger in there with us!
good times!

seventy five

i had no idea what he was doing! we were trying to send a video to my little sis and all of a sudden he starts singing his rendition of the plain white t's! i love it!!!

seventy four

so my friend has been sending me some pretty hilarious jokes lately and my biggest chuckle today was due to the following story:

A woman stopped by her recently married son's house. She rang the
doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
lying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma
of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for your son to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"Your son loves me to wear this dress," daughter-in-law explained.

"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and it goes on for hours. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

BAHA! sad, but very funny in my opinion! have a good night! :)

seventy three

everyone has their share of problems.
some are big, some are small, but they're still problems.
how great is it that in the midst of our own struggles we can still help others who are struggling through theirs?
a few humanitarian projects are up and coming in salt lake and i am grateful to be able to help to participate in support of them.
check them out, find something that inspires YOU, make a difference!

one world cafe




http://www.oneworldeverybodyeats.com
One World Everybody Eats asks guests to pay what they feel the meal warranted. This requires guests use their fairest judgement. Although the kitchen is a non-profit establishment, it still must meet regular business expenses.

The motto of owner Denise Cerreta is "a hand up, not a hand out," meaning, anyone can eat. If a guest finds they don't have enough money to pay for their meal, they can volunteer to wash dishes, clean or work in the garden. The kitchen also serves complimentary "Dal and Rice", an traditional meal from the Indian subcontinent, absolutely free to all guests. Along with our bread, dal and rice provides a healthy, high-protein meal that truly lets everybody eat.


www.oneitygoods.com


ONEiTY is out to save the world, one onesie at a time. With each and every purchase you make, ONEiTY sees to it that some of your money is replanted in communities where the clothing was manufactured. It has delivered things like vitamins and computers to third-world countries, has installed water wells and has employed non-working mothers in Madagascar. It also contributes to local non-profits in our backyard like the Utah Food Bank, YWCA women’s shelter and the Salvation Army.

how cool is that?!

seventy two

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MESSAGEES...

seventy one

apparently the vid didn't load. bummer dude! but here's oakley for real this time, with her mama!

seventy

i am so excited to introduce the newest member of my familia! oakley ann yuen (like annie oakley, but not! haha) is 4 months old and a whole 3 1/2 pounds. laura is so excited to be her mommy and roxy is going to have to get over the whole jealousy thing. every day is getting better and better and i know they'll end up being best friends so i'm excited! i love my roxyroo and oakley too!!!

sixty nine

its 40 degrees, rainy, and windy to boot.
i'm the retard that goes to school wearing flips flops, a long sleeve shirt, and a mini skirt...
what was i thinking?!

sixty eight

i love when jaxon mimics different facial expressions. he cracks me up! we had some fun with the camera today while alexander slept and alisa ran into the market...
good times!

sixty seven

my trip to NoCal was a blast!

we got to release ladybugs to eat the aphids at an organic farm and they were all over me! it was so fun and of course the boys were freaking out- heck, i was freaking out!
we went to the world famous monterey bay aqauarium where alex loved taking pics with his very own digital camera
we hit the beach in carmel and it was gorgeous! the weather was perfect as long as you didn't get in the water- it was freezing!
we caught a catterpillar in nana's garden and jax thought it was the coolest thing he's ever seen. we even got out poppi's magnifying glass so he could see it up close!
and jaxon has a new found love of makeup. every morning he did his as i did mine!

what silly boys!

sixty six

today was jenna's first soccer game and she rocked it!

she was so embarassed when she came home from her first practice and said she was the only one on the team that hadn't played before, but it sure didn't look like it out on the field! she's a natural!

not only did she score the first goal of the game, but continued to score another two before the game was done! way to go jen!

her favorite part about soccer is getting to be on the same team with her best friend bailey, and she loves that under those big black socks are light pink shin guards!

a girl after my own heart!

sixty five

i was meeting with my academic advisors and came to the conclusion that by double majoring, the soonest i can graduate would be 2011. that's if i go to school year round.

yikes!

i am still so excited. i love knowing that i have the potential to accomplish absolutely anything i set my heart on doing. i know that psych and nursing are two things i would love to do. right now i think to incorporate the trauma aspect of nursing like working in an ER sounds like what i'd like to work towards, even though a lot of people think its weird that i'd like to be in a stressful environment like that. i figure i was practically raised in chaos so the ER sounds like a nice fit! haha

anyway, happy birthday to annatjie, and to steve-o! i think its way cool that two of my favorite people both turn 21 on the exact same day! i've decided that i was supposed to turn 21 today too, but i was just born exactly 11 months late! oh well! :)

i better finish packing so i don't miss my flight...
i heart san fransisco!
(not to be confused with "i left my heart in san fransisco." i kinda like keeping my heart with me!)

piccies to follow!
ciao!

sixty four

getting a little loven from the oven!

ashley, whit and i met up with nichole at brick oven yesterday to catch up and chill before nicole moves to alaska with her fam. little macy was a doll and nichole looked about ready to pop! she's hoping to have little girl #2 before the big move... any day now! :)

hooray for CFCers!

sixty three

a little devo for today...
F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.

sixty two

today, i leave here better than when i came.
today, i believe in myself.
today, i walk ahead into my own outstanding possibility.
today, i am one with every person on this earth.
i'm going to be something remarkable...in my own special way.
this world will see...i'm on my way...and i'm going to make it.
make it great.
make it strong.
make it powerful.

///here goes round two///

sixty one

trace moved back to cali today and i'm so bummed! although it does give me a new reason to go play down in SoCal! hooray! i think she made the right choice since she really missed her family and has the chance to get free schooling through cal-grants down there, but i'm really gonna miss her! i wish we had time to play before she left! anyway, good luck to t. just eat okay silly?! haha

...suda sa suda sa suda sa sa suda sa!...

sixty

today i got to go up to brighton with loni and marcea to start filming our documentary, and i was shocked at how good it felt just to be up there again. i really didn't want to leave! we saw pika and had snacks in the kitchen and everything! it was AWESOME! it was really weird to have everyone talking about me, but the way everything played out was really through the hand of heavenly father, so i think its important to share our story. and ED prevention and awareness is SO needed in our society today so i wanna do whatever i can to help. i wish i could tell my story now and say that i'm all better. i actually felt kinda bad for not being able to. but realistically, thats just not how recovery works and i need to be okay with that. i'm still trying to find the balance between working hard but expecting perfectionism, and just saying screw it if i can't be perfect... i'm sure i'll get there one day, but it's hard to be patient when you know today is not that day.

[nothing is better than brighton rain]

fifty nine

like most little kids, alexander loves photo booth! he especially likes putting random things in the picture with him, ie...his feet! our "serious" picture was an ode to a line from his favorite show, the wonderpets! the little duck always says "this is serious!" before rushing off to save the baby animals so this is our "this is serious!" picture! haha! rock on dude!

fifty eight

i speak with my tongue tied,
i know that i'm tired
but i never quite know
where i want to go,
sometimes i'm sad, but I’m not weak,
this situation looks bleak
and puffy eyes never lie,
so tears only flow inside.

until when?
i'll be waiting for an answer
i guess that yesterday’s never good enough for you,
you know that i hate this part of me,
you know that i hate this part of me
stuck not knowing what i'm to do.

drown all fears,
use me.
i just feel so sorry
these glossy eyes don’t need
the sadness they have seen
continue a plunge too deep to swim
but usually back up again.
somehow I can’t grasp
the moment i'll say goodbye

i know its a problem, it sucks, it’s unfair
but somehow those words-
the way that I hear them is haunting me,
its under my skin
once again breaking in,
and the tasteless fights that fill my nights
have started to cave in,
its under my skin
insists to break me in
if stubborn's what it takes to prove,
but there's so much more to lose...

fifty seven

meet my best friend anna.

she's been my "other half" since what, junior high, and tonight i've been thinking about how funny our relationship is. the title "other half" pretty much correlates to the symbolism of opposing sides, yin and yang, and the balancing of one another, because aside from our mutual love of country music, dancing, and theatre, we're really nothing alike!

she's the good girl that flirts but won't kiss and is so close with her family that a chisel couldn't break them apart. she's always happy, just naturally, as unbelievable as that seems, and is the ultimate combo of confidence and humility. not to mention she's absolutely gorgeous. she's amazing! i, on the other hand, tend to be the rebellious one, stubborn to the death, anxious, uncertain, impulsive, too analytical, and practically begging for any break from my crazy fam! she's open and outgoing, but when it comes to stuff that really matters, i'm generally pretty closed. as far as social situations, i'm big on the whole "fake it till you make it" cliche. anna falls head over heels and sticks with a boy, while i play the game of "chase me" and can never seem to make up my mind!

its funny that i talk to her like once a month instead of once a day and yet we still count on the fact that we're each other's BFF. every few months we'll get together and sit at kneader's for french toast, chatting about the latest true religions and juicy couture for hours, or we'll stay on a table long after everything's closed and the lights go out at iceberg as our shakes melt and just get thrown away, because there's just too much to talk about. its funny to think that you can be so jealous yet so proud of someone at the same time! half the time she's driving me nuts cuz we're both so dang competitive with each other and who's doing more in their lives, but at the end of it all i'm just so happy to have her! i know she's my best friend, we know we only want the best for each other, and i hope she knows that i'll always be there for her too.

so here's to you annatjie- to hot cuban boys, crazy florida nights, days with our kids at the park, and many memories to come...

love ya chickadee!

fifty six

we went to lagoon last week and had so much fun! alexander loved all the rides and jaxon loved the ones that didn't go too fast-he hated when the force of going forward pushed his head up against his seat. it freaked him out a bit but by the end of the night he was all smiles! my favorite is the one of alex wearing his conductor hat on the train. he's adorable! :)

fifty five

[don't]
stop in the middle of an intersection, even if you have a green light, just because traffic has backed up... be surprised at the bruises after falling down a flight of concrete stairs... park and leave your car in the middle of a drive thru banking lane... hold grudges... work two jobs while doing full time school... assume that the man having a full diabetic seizure is just your stupid big brother trying to wake everyone up... let your phone continue to ring in the middle of the night and be too lazy to get up an turn it off, its just bad etiquette... assume that your skin NEVER burns in the sun... let a 1 year old hold on to his own slurpee in your car... honk randomly at people on the street just to be obnoxious... let your kids zoom around in golf carts if they aren't of legal age to operate a motorized vehicle... wear a white tank top to a muddy day of white water rafting... attempt to rent the bourne identity or the bourne supremacy the week its sequel comes out in theatres... assume a guy's too old for you... tell yourself he's not attracted to you just because he doesn't try to take advantage of you... take sides with anyone unless you're willing to defend that opinion to the death... tell yourself that nothing really matters. its always a lie.

fifty four

[what a great day]
i
went to class,
met dad for lunch,
went to the spa,
got to chat with steve,
played at the park,
stopped by nordies,
noelle did my makeup,
went to dinner with friends,
drove home feeling happy

between the texts, calls, hugs, and emails, i have seriously never felt so loved in my life! its crazy, but so awesome! i'd have to say that the best part by far was getting to chat with steve. i am so incredibly excited for him to come home! he is so flipping cute!!! 56 days to go...

good night! :)

fifty three

tomorrow night
8:30
gateway
see you there!

fifty two

marilyn monroe.

wise women kiss but don't fall in love, listen but don't believe and leave before they are left.

summed up pretty simply.

no matter the intentions, i still wind up running on empty

fifty one

[i love]
being able to see the lights all across the valley at night...
seeing the moon peak through the branches of a pine tree...
the smell of rain...
warm towels, just out of the dryer...
hitting molca salsa at 3 am...
star gazing and snugging at the same time...
pedis at the end of spring...
campfires and brighton songs...
graham crackers and chocolate frosting...
white powerade...
when a friend leaves an unexpected message just to say hello...
lounging around and being perfectly content to do so...
[the important things in life]

fifty

really, i am so happy to be onto my fiftieth post because i hate spelling the number forty. i always want to put a "u" in it, like in the number four! lame, i know, but whatev!

the last few days have been insanely busy, but hopefully i'll get an awesome comission out of it, so i'm trying to stay optimistic! :) i'm actually trying to stay optimistic that my check covers my purchases made in the last few days! i sure hope so. i'm like a shopping addict, i can't stop!

tomorrow i have to give a presentation on communism to my history class and my 2 partners both dropped the class so i'm flying solo and i'm so nervous! yikes! hopefully it'll go alright!

tonight i'm glad we closed at 7 so i can try to get some studying in and prepare for my psych midterm for tomorrow. and i'm happy to be with my rockstar! i love her, even though she always falls asleep before all the homework is done! haha



good night!

forty nine

tomorrow is gonna be crazy and i feel like if i try go to bed now i may not wake up on time cuz i'll still be so tired and that would not be good! so here i am blogging it up... lately i've been thinking:

-hooray for summer semester coming to a end!
-i'm SO stoked for steve to come home in just 67 days!
-life is crazy and sometimes frustrating, but i really do love it.
-tonight was set-up for the anniversary sale and i actually thought it was fun
-my dog is so freaking cute!
-i wish people were a lot less judgemental and assuming
-i got back in contact with hailey and it makes me so happy!
-if i never want to go back to cfc i need to work harder
-jared and i are NOT getting back together, so he can save his smooth talking charm for his clients at work
-it was so fun having lunch with chris today and kristen is darling. i'm so glad they're together!
-i don't know if that party's going to work out for the 24th but i really hope it does
-apparently everyone at cfc thinks i'm doing crappy and to be perfectly honest, it makes me feel bad
-why does everyone constantly assume that you are the company you keep? does individuality and character count for nothing?
-there's a super cute new guy in our department and nick and i agree that i should date him. or at least take him for a test drive
-my nordie card is ready to go tomorrow at 3pm! hooray for new clothes!!!
-mitch is supposed to stop by around 3...who knows if it'll actually happen
-is there ever a loophole in "families are forever?" i hope not, but i want to make sure my bases are covered
-i really need to get out of my house
-will pam hurry up and finish her house so i can move into it?!
-why is it that there's always so much i want to say to certain people, but for the life of me i can't ever just say it?
-i love the fact that tomorrow's always a new day. thank goodness! :)

forty eight

Every single day
I walk down the street
I hear people say,
"Baby" so sweet
Every since puberty
Everybody stares at me
Boys/girls
I can't help it baby
So be kind
Don't lose your mind
Just remember that I'm your baby
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
Take me baby or leave me
A tiger in a cage
Can never see the sun
This diva needs her stage
Baby - let's have fun!
You are the one I choose
Folks'd kill to fill your shoes
You love the limelight too, baby
So be mine or don't waste my time
Cryin' - "Honeybear - Are you still my baby?"
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
No way - Can I be what I'm not
But hey - Don't you want your girl hot!
Don't fight - Don't lose your head
Cause every night- Who's in your bed?
Who's in your bed, baby?
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
Take me baby
Or leave me
Guess I'm leavin'
I'm gone!

forty seven

Why do people commit suicide?



Why do people cut themselves?



Why do girls become anorexic and bulimic? Why do kids bring guns to school?



Why do kids get so depressed...that they start needing meds, and end up abusing them?



Why do girls feel the need to act like sluts to impress guys? Why cant people show their sexuality freely, without worrying about being judged? WHY AS A COUNTRY DO WE KICK A 26 YEAR OLD LOST GIRL WHEN SHES AT HER LOWEST POINT? DO WE WANT TO TURN ON THE TV ONE DAY AND SEE SOMEONE WHO JUST COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE, AND AT 26 YRS OLD TOOK HER OWN LIFE?In the Bill Of Rights, it says we have FREEDOM OF SPEECH So why are we so afraid to speak up for ourselves?



I KNOW WHY

Cliques

"Gangstas"

"Preps"

"Nerds"

"Goths"

"Emos"

"Scene//Hardcore kids"

"Punks"


THATS NOT EVEN HALF OF THEM

Society in general


We live in a world where if you're not skinny, not beautiful, not sexy, not straight...you're tortured, abused, and humiliated. We say that we are all equal but there is still racism, sexism, and people judging others based on their religion, color, size, heritage, ect...

IS THIS AMERICAN?




IS THIS THE NATION WE LIVE IN AND FIGHT WARS TO SUPPORT?



I AM SICK OF IT!
Stereotypes and everything else.
I want to live in a good place, without suicide, rape, murder, and
JUDGEMENT!



I want to stop the madness.
If I only reached out to 1 or 2 people thats fine.
At least MY concience is clear...
HOW ABOUT YOURS?
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